by Nia Lucas
He tries to pull me away from my hiding place in his armpit, “Little Red? Shit, don't hide love, tha' was fuckin' funny”, he tries to pull me away but I refuse to budge.
I feel him sigh and snort, “Lor, I've got a massive hard-on and if you don't do somethin' wi' it, I'm gonna end up back in hospital wi' a fuckin' exploded dick”, his tone is serious and the words make me laugh.
Slowly, I raise my sheepish eyes and despite my mortification, I grin at the friendly humour I see in his face. His smile fades slowly as he bends his head, pressing a gentle set of butterfly kisses to my lips and cheek as he whispers filth in my ear. His fingers doing knee-trembling things, we fall onto the bed, lips fused and hands roaming wildly, pausing only to grab a condom from my bag.
His words are muffled against my skin, “Lor, ride me, yeah? My gut hurts still, dunno if I can be on top”
I pull back to look at him, “Shay, I've never, er, I've never done that”, I feel daft again, I feel naïve.
Shay however, appears to find it a turn on as he rolls us so he’s beneath me, “Fuckin' wicked, c'mere girl”, and with his guiding hand on my hip, I move so that he slips inside me for the first time and it's bliss. It's perfect. He's perfect.
His strong neck is arched backwards, his mouth open as he groans and I grab his hands, gripping them as a lever, instead of leaning on his poor scarred chest or shoulder. With an ease that I can thank my podium moves for, I begin to writhe and whine my hips sending stupidly-fit O'Driscoll mental as he swears and utters words of agonised filth. Fingers rubbing wildly, he makes me come in a shocked, sharp burst before he hits his own climax and I collapse on him as we chuckle, Shay's grin wide as he gasps for air. I press a wobbly, sweaty kiss to his lips before flopping onto the bed next to him.
He whispers with a sleepy smile, “Tha' was fuckin' hot. Lor you're my girl yeah?”, and with a yawn, his eyes start to flutter shut.
In bed with my big, sleepy, gorgeous boyfriend, we sleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms for a full nine hours, no awareness of the absolute shit-storm about to rain down on us.
27th May 1995
Shay needs to get back as he and Lee are meeting Jock for food. I also have to get back to revise for my exams so we head off after breakfast, having 'christened' both the shower and the dressing table, Shay smirking with cocky pride. As we drive past Jenny's house, I remember that I'd used her as my unwitting alibi last night so I ask Shay if I can just pop in for two minutes to bring her up to speed. The engine still running, I jog up to the front door of her big mock-Georgian house and knock, ready to apologise for embroiling her in my lies. Opening the door, Jenny’s usually pretty peaches-and-cream complexion is blotchy, her eyes red and her expression miserable.
When she sees it's me, her face transforms into a mask of horror as she gasps, “Lorna, oh my God, I'm so, so sorry. Your Mum rang and I didn't know you'd told them you were here”. My blood is suddenly pounding in my ears, making Jenny sound like she's talking from very far away.
“Lorna, Sister Mary-Thomas rang your mum and told her about what you said to her yesterday and about Shay being at school. Your mum rang here last night and Dad told her that you'd gone with Shay in the car after school. She knows you were with him and she sounded so angry. I’m really sorry Lorna”, Jenny's voice cracks and she looks devastated.
I’m too shocked to speak for a second but when I get my lips to work, I hear myself saying, “Jen, it's not your fault, please don't cry, please. I'm so sorry I got you involved, I'll tell your Dad that you didn't know”, I step forward on shaky legs and hug her, a wave of nausea sweeping me and sending prickles of ice down my back.
Jenny's Dad emerges in the hallway behind her, his tall, corduroy-clad frame rigid and his voice clipped, “There's no need, we are aware that Jennifer did not know your plans Lorna. She has always been a pretty terrible liar”, he looks so disapprovingly at me that I think I might throw up.
He adds, “I suggest that you go home immediately. Do you have transport?”, there is absolutely no comfort in his words.
I nod miserably and his eyes narrow, “Well then, I suggest you and your boyfriend go there now”, and with Jenny's agonised face disappearing behind the door, he shuts it on me.
I turn, my legs feeling like they belong to someone else.
I climb in the car and Shay's smile fades, “Wha' was all tha' 'bout?”, he frowns at my sickly pale face and wide eyes.
I swallow thickly and my voice shakes, “My mum knows I was with you last night. That Poison Penguin rang her”, I look at him in horror, “Shay, I'm proper fucked, she'll kill me”, I have to close my eyes and swallow to stop myself being sick.
Shay looks puzzled, “Little Red, don' sweat it. I'll tell her tha' no shit went down, just a quiet night. It'll be cool yeah, if we tell her?”, he looks a bit baffled, like I'm panicking over nothing.
I spend time trying to explain why this is such a problem, why I’m so worried but the truth is that for somebody with the life experiences that Shay’s had, it's hard for him to understand. He doesn’t answer to anyone apart from Jock, he never has done. I don’t find the right words to explain the depth of my mother’s dislike of me, of the fear that she can inspire. Shay’s baffled because nobody was stabbed, arrested, made homeless or in hospital last night, so why the panic? I look at him as he tells me to 'chill' and I realise that there are worse things to have to face. Nothing can feel as terrible as Shay and Lee's blood under my hands as they bleed to death in front of me. I smile weakly at him, nodding and leaning in for a kiss, resigned to whatever is likely to come my way.
By the time we pull up on my road, we’ve cobbled together a plan. Shay will meet my parents and tell them that he wanted to take me out, that it was unplanned and ran later than we thought. I'll apologise for lying to them, I'll explain that I will say sorry to Sister Mary-Thomas (I fucking won't) and that I will not do it again (this week anyway). Shay will attempt to charm my mother (absolutely no chance) and it will all be OK (it won’t be, of that I’m certain). I’m so wobbly as we pull up that I forget that Shay's never seen the suburban 1980's housing estate where I live.
He steps out of the car looking shocked, “Wow, Lor this place ain't nothin' like the Farm, eh?”, his upbeat demeanour in total contrast to my silent, shaking despair and I can only smile weakly at him as I grab my stuff and take his hand.
Dan is leaning on the worktop eating cereal when we walk in the back door, his eyes flying comically wide as I gesture at him, silently indicating that I know what’s happened.
Shay appears behind me, making Dan look even more shocked, “Midget, it’s proper hit the fan and you are in deep, deep shit with her, I don’t know how to help you fix this Lor. Hey man, I’m Dan”, Dan's boyish face is racked with worry but he manages to give Shay a tight smile.
Shay gives Dan a nod, his brow furrowed in response to Dan's anxiety but before he can say anything, the storm hits as Dad thunders into the kitchen
“Where the hell have you been young lady? You lied to me Lorna, how dare you bloody lie to me, I’ve never been so angry and I’ve not even started to discuss where you actually were last night”, my Dad's usually disinterested face is as stern as I've ever seen it and I feel mortified by his condemnation.
He turns, “Who the hell are you boy, eh? Are you this Shay? If so, you and I have got problems boy. My daughter and you clearly don't make good decisions together. Lorna, your mother is furious. What has got into you and what the hell are you playing at lad?”, Dad frowns at Shay who has adopted a narrow-eyed, hostile look.
I quickly put the school boxes and bags down and take Shay's load off him. I hold his hand, needing to feel his strength, his pulse elevated where my fingers touch his wrist.
Dad is clipped and dismissive, “You should leave, eh lad. Lorna’ll be busy with her exams now”
Shay jumps in, “Mr. Davies, it weren't Lor's fault. She never knew I was comin'. It just got a bit fuckin' late but there ain't been no trouble
”, I close my eyes as Dad hisses out a breath. Shit.
Dad ignores Shay and turns to me, “Lorna, see Shay out, NOW and then go and catch up with your revision. You won't be seeing each other for a while”, Dad glares at us and walks off to the lounge, slamming the door in his wake.
I’m clutching Shay's hand, my heart hammering. Dan whistles under his breath and walks slowly past
us, patting my arm and looking sympathetic as he goes,
“Bloody hell Midget. Good to meet you Shay, sorry about my old man”
Shay reaches out and turns me to face him, his eyes worried, “Lor, I ain't leavin' you on your own to handle this shit, tha’ bloke’s proper fuckin’ pissed off”, his hands go to my waist as he peers down at me.
I press a kiss to his lips and shake my head, “No, it'll be OK, I'll sort it”, and I smile at him as I roll my eyes, trying to lighten the mood.
Shay smirks and nods towards the door, “Your Dad, he fuckin' loves me, eh?”, and we both snort.
I moan in frustration and Shay, leaning against the worktop in my mum’s dated kitchen, pulls me into the cradle of his legs and cuddles me, his chin resting on my head, “Thursday yeah?”, he smirks.
I look up at him and smile, “Yup, they'll be at work and I’ll be studying here all day”, I lead him by the hand out of the back door.
At the car, Shay leans against the door, pulling me in for another hug as we say our goodbyes. He kisses me with a softness that makes me sigh soppily as he winks and turns to unlock the door. Movement catches my eye as my mum pulls round the corner in her silver Citroen, her fury palpable before she even gets out the car.
I turn and push Shay towards the now open car door, “Oh shit, oh fuck Shay, that's my mum, you should go, you should really go. I love you, please go”
I'm trying to manhandle him into the car but he's laughing at me and refusing to budge, “Chill woman, she's here now, let me stay here wi' you and we'll sort this. Fuck Lor, will you stop fuckin' pushin' me?”, he thinks this is funny, he has no idea. My blood runs cold.
I can tell, from the moment Linda exits her car, that we’re entering new territory. There is raw hatred in the glacial glare she gives me, she’s almost vibrating with anger as she slams the car door. As she approaches me, I feel the familiar reaction to my mum's temper, something I've felt my whole life. I’m frightened of her. I'm scared of what she might do now that she has justifiable cause. She ignores Shay completely, storming up to me so that she’s peering down at me from less than a foot away, I'm a good five inches shorter than her and she always uses her height against me. Her mouth is pursed so tight that it looks like she has no lips and it's her cold, grey eyes though that get me scared. She looks at me like she wants to hurt me.
Her eyes icy, she spits out, “I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve a shameless, lying little slut for a daughter but you continue to disappoint me at every turn, you deceitful little whore”, her voice is so tight with fury that it doesn’t sound like her, you can feel the air around her vibrating and I can’t work out where this is going to go.
Shay, hearing her call me a ‘whore’ has stepped forward frowning in surprise, “Look, this weren't Lor's....”, but he doesn't get to finish.
She turns on Shay, her eyes blazing and I can tell he's shocked by the malice that drips from her words,
“YOU! Well, here you are, the latest boyfriend but you've been around a while, hey? Bassoon delivery was it? This brazen little tramp is just sixteen and yet I've learnt that this devious little bitch”, Shay steps in with an 'oi!' but she ignores him, “... not only lied to us all and spent the night with some boyfriend but she has also brought shame on me by telling a nun, bold as brass, what she gets up to. Sister had quite a few things to tell me, quite a few school rumours and stories to highlight just what you are. Well, at least your father sees you for what you really are now, eh? Not such a clever little girl now are you? Did you stay last night with this boy? Did you?”, she is so close, she's spitting flecks of her fury into my face but I don't flinch.
Shay's hand in mine, I raise my chin and look her in the eye, “Mum, I stayed with Shay, he's my boyfriend, I'm sorry if.......”, but I don't get to finish.
My mum's hand connects with my face using a force that makes my head swivel and my eye feel like it got punched out of my body, I can see nothing but stars.
As my whole head rings and my vision sparkles, I hear Shay shout in fury, “FUCKIN' LEAVE HER ALONE! Fuck, Lor, Little Red. YOU HIT HER? Jesus fuckin' Christ! Bitch, wha's your problem?”, Shay's arms are now wrapped around me and he's moving me, putting himself between me and my attacker.
My mum just hit me in the face in front of somebody. This is new. Shay bends down as he scans my face, looking worried. Tears are pouring down my cheeks but not with emotion, just from the impact of the blow. I can taste blood on my tongue and my lip and eye are throbbing.
Mum carries on, “You will sit your exams, you will go to work and that is IT. You will never, EVER see him again. You will go nowhere. Get to your room and stay out of my sight”, and she strides off towards the house, not a backwards glance.
If this wasn't so serious, if it didn't hurt so much, I'd be laughing at the way that Shay's mouth is hanging open but nothing about this is funny.
Shay pulls me into a trembling cuddle and kisses my head furiously, “You gotta come back with me now Lor, I ain't leavin' you here, she's fuckin' mental. This is my fuckin' fault”, he's trying to kiss my face but it hurts, it really hurts and my hiss of pain makes him swear more and smack the roof of the car in frustration.
I swallow slowly, “Shay, it's not your fault and I can't leave, I need to do my exams”, I hold his arm, wincing as I taste more blood in my mouth, “It's only a few weeks until my exams are done and I don't have any choice, she's always been like this. I should have kept my mouth shut when the Poison Penguin had a go yesterday”, I feel like the ground is shaky under my feet.
We argue for a while longer before Shay begrudgingly agrees to go back to London, although he’s clear that nothing short of nuclear war will stop him and Lee coming on Thursday. He asks me to ring them every night, to call them any time to come and get me if I need them. After a protracted goodbye, I wave him off and I walk back inside, straight to my room where I stay for the rest of the day, not even emerging for food. Dan sees my face as I walk past, shaking my head to prevent him saying or doing anything that will make me collapse. I think I hear the sound of him sobbing through the wall a few minutes later. I can't call Lee like I promised, I'm denied the phone and placed under house arrest. I’m trapped. The phone rings repeatedly downstairs but it’s slammed down upon answering. I’m too rattled to even cry as a sense of inevitability sits on me like a fire blanket, dampening down any flames of distress or outrage.
This was always how it was going to play out, the last sixteen years of coexistence with my mother have long held a sense of unsatisfied menace. I feel an odd sense of release, I know where I stand now, which lines have been crossed. Han and Dan can’t protect me now, nobody can. I'm on a journey that I can’t stop. Sleep claims me with little fuss until nightmares find me and my midnight screams go unacknowledged. It is hours before I realise that my Dad, his protection, his reaction to Mum's behaviour or indeed his opinion, have not even entered my thoughts.
Sunday 28th May 1995
Gill gasps when she sees my bruised and swollen face upon my arrival at work. She asks me what happened and I tell her, I have no reason to hide it. When she eventually lets me go from her hug, she has tears on her face and fury in her eyes. She takes me up to her flat at the top of the pub and gives me bruise creams and an ice pack. My lunchtime shift ends at 3pm by which time Lee has already called the pub four times. I ring him back and spend thirty minutes convincing him not to come down and murder my mother, his anger so fierce that I pity Shay having to calm him down later. Thursday cannot come soon enough. Dad walks into my room at 8pm, the first time he’s engaged with me sin
ce yesterday morning. He tonelessly informs me that I will be studying every day at his office, unless I have an exam. Disappointment isn't the only reason that Dad looks at the floor and not at me. My cut lip, my purple cheek and my black-eye have a part to play too.
Dan comes in once Dad has left and silently wraps his arms around me. We stand there, wordlessly hugging for ages, his familiar lanky form like an anchor in troubled waters. I miss Dan, absorbed by my own dramas in recent weeks I have neglected my brother. We both feel it I think, this need to keep each other close and his back shakes with what I suspect are tears. We both know that we’re in darker, uncharted territory now. We sit, whispering for hours as we perch on my bed. I tell him that I love Shay and that Lee is my good friend, wincing at the necessary deception. Dan brings me up to speed on his life and dramas and I finally tell him about the stabbings. Shocked and drained, Dan falls asleep on my bed, top’n’tailed like when we were kids, his hand patting my foot in hollow reassurance.
Monday 29th May 1995
At school, Dan tells Han what happened with Mum, Han tells Rosa, Rosa tells Nico and he turned up at my house tonight forcefully asking to see me, turned away with a flea in his ear by my mother. I hear him shouting my name from the footpath outside my house but my mother stands on the landing, preventing me from speaking to him. I hear Nico bellowing instructions for me to call him if I need him. You’re too nice for my shitty life Nico.
Wednesday 31st May 1995
After a day revising in isolation in the cold meeting room at Dad's office, Han, Rosa and Nico are waiting for me when I get to the pub for work and they look so genuinely horrified when they see my bruises that I burst into tears, hugging my friends.
Nico growls as he strokes my back, “Where the fuck’s your boyfriend eh Davies? Why’s he not here looking out for you?”