Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  Korbin tilted his head back and chuckled loudly, unnerving the hawk on Brock’s arm, which squawked and ruffled its feathers. Brock reached into the small leather bag and took out a piece of meat, tossing it at the bird. It caught it and tilted its head back, swallowing. “I have to say, though, if I lose an eye, me and you are going to have words.”

  They continued walking through the forest the prince’s grandfather had planted on the island. Korbin released his hawk into the air to hunt. He glanced at Brock, who did the same thing, instantly relaxing as the bird left his arm. “So I met you when you were first Damned, but I never really got to ask you about your life. We all know you were a rock star. What was that like?”

  Brock chuckled. “Feels like another lifetime ago. It was fun. You know, I was a wild child, traveling around with too much money in my pocket and too many girls throwing themselves at my feet. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, and that included girls. Actually, it mostly included girls. The only thing I was serious about was my music, and only when I went onstage. I’ve definitely grown up for the better.”

  Korbin smiled. “Oh, to be young again. Actually, this is the best part of my life. The last few years have been really nice. Gardening with my wife, kicking demon ass by her side. It’s been great. Though, before I met her, I had a wild streak of my own. When I was young in the military, I drank it up, took home a different woman every night, and did pretty much whatever I wanted. When I became a Damned I didn’t slow down; not until I became a leader. At that point, I couldn’t afford to fuck up. There were too many lives in my hands. Then I met Stephanie, and I guess you could say that the rest of it is history. She changed me in ways I could have never imagined, and my life has been bliss with her in it.”

  Brock smiled at Korbin and then ducked as the hawk flew over to him and hovered until he put his arm out. It landed, and he gave it another treat. “That sounds like a modern-day merc fairytale, man. I bet one day they make a movie about it.”

  Korbin scoffed. “Lord, I hope not. Stephanie doesn’t need to see my whole past. She might kick my ass for being so young and stupid.”

  Brock looked down as he walked. “Nah, she loves you like that. You know you’ve found that person who is your other half. She will love you forever.”

  Korbin glanced at Brock, who was staring off into the distance, his cheeks a bit red. “It’s probably not surprising, but I do know you and Katie are into each other. It’s not only obvious, but everyone has been whispering about it for months.”

  Brock smiled widely. “Yeah. It’s definitely developing.”

  Korbin reached out and put his hand on Brock, stopping him. “I don’t think I have to tell anyone how important she is to me. Over the years, she has gone from a scared girl to a badass warrior, and the whole time she has looked out for others over herself. She has become like a daughter to me, especially since I never had any of my own. This whole team is my family, but she is just as important to me as Stephanie is on a different level.”

  Brock nodded. “I understand.”

  Korbin looked at him for a second. “Do you? Make sure you treat her right. I know you will, I have confidence in that. But just as a disclaimer? I know you are Damned and a kick-ass fighter, but if you hurt her, nothing in heaven or hell will save you from me, okay?”

  Brock’s smile faded and he stood up straight, slightly freaked out. “Right, okay. Of course.”

  Korbin smiled and slapped him on the shoulder. “Good. Good talk. Now, let’s go out there and try to catch up with the prince before he sends his hawk to get us.”

  Katie took a deep breath, leaning her head back against the arm of the couch and staring at the ceiling. She was back in her PJs, fuzzy robe, and socks, attempting to relax. She had pulled her book back out and gotten through a chapter before her mind started to wander. She didn’t even remember what she had just read. She glanced at Pandora, who was sideways in the chair with her legs over one side, flipping through the pictures in the magazines she had piled up in front of her—everything from Vogue to National Geographic.

  Katie pulled the book back up and tried to refocus her mind, not wanting to waste the day being stressed out. Her phone began to buzz on the coffee table and she picked it up, looking down at the number. Pandora peeked over the top of her magazine as Katie held it up. “It’s the general.”

  Pandora raised the magazine again. “Tell him no one is home.”

  Katie rolled her eyes and sat up. “Hey, General. How’s it going?”

  Brushwood didn’t sound as stressed as normal. “Katie. It’s going. Not terrible today. No wild incursions to speak of, knock on wood.”

  Katie smiled. “Good. That’s a good thing.”

  He paused for a moment. “But I did just finish watching that video posted online of your little speech to the protestors. How did you figure out the link between the Halos, the Friends of the Devil, and the Fuck Angels?”

  Katie sighed. “We followed some clues. They led us to a t-shirt shop, where we were told he was the only person ordering marketing material for all three groups. Then we paid him a visit. He didn’t give up much, but the boxes of merch in his office told the story well. He gave no shits about them. He just wanted their money.”

  The general chuckled. “You are quite the sleuth. I’m assuming releasing that info has calmed them down?”

  Katie raised an eyebrow. “First of all, there is no direct evidence to show that we had anything to do with leaking that information.”

  She could almost hear the general smirk as he said, “Mmmhmm.”

  Katie fought back a smile. “Secondly, it helped, but it helped more because I stood out there with them, answered some questions about myself, and just generally calmed people down. They seemed to really respond to understanding that I was a normal person before all of this.”

  “It got me thinking,” Brushwood said. “I believe it is time that you guys start doing mainstream interviews on major stations.”

  Katie scoffed, glancing up at Pandora. “Uh…us?”

  The general shook his head. “Well, you. Not Pandora, please. No offense, but I don’t know if the public is ready for her antics, language, and constant talk of dicks. It might scare off quite a few people, including the person interviewing you.”

  Katie pressed her lips together. “I can’t argue with you on that. I feel like it wouldn’t make sense to have her on a show, because everything would have to be censored. It would be a big pixilated box with only words like ‘she’ and ‘the’ coming from the speakers.”

  He laughed. “It would be entertaining, just not the kind of entertainment I’m looking for at this point.”

  Katie ran her hand through her hair, wrinkling her nose. “But me? Really? Can’t you send like Calvin or the guys? You know how much I hate being the center of attention. Doing an interview is like putting a sign up and saying, ‘Everyone, look at me!’”

  The general smirked. “Katie, this is about you. That is something you are going to have to get used to. The people who fear you only do so because they don’t know you. This would be an opportunity to allow the world to get to know you better. That is becoming vital at this point. Yours might be the only words of wisdom and calming for feuding groups in the future. They need to know you now.”

  Katie groaned. “I don’t know. Why do they need to know me?”

  Brushwood gave it to her point-blank. “Because they need to be able to trust you. You are the one saving their asses, and the fear needs to be squashed.”

  Katie understood, but she really didn’t want to give in. She tilted her head back, fighting her fears until at last she grumped, “Fine. I’ll do the interviews, but dammit, there has to be some sort of parameters. We can’t give the demons too much ammunition, since I am their main target and always have been. Well, me and Pandora.”

  The general was pleased. “The people don’t need to know every intimate detail of your life. What they want is to understand you. You are
something new to this world, and they want to trust that you are good. Besides, angels have only been stories for so long, and they can see a real one now. That is beyond amazing for them.”

  Katie wrinkled her nose. “They may see me and not like me.”

  He belted out a laugh. “I very highly doubt that. Just be you. I like you, and your friends love you, and it’s because we know you. I’ll pick somebody good that we can trust with boundaries, and set up an interview with them. In the meantime, ask around and see if there is anyone you would like to talk to.”

  Katie nodded. “All right. Thanks for calling, General.”

  “Pick your head up, Katie. Everything is going to be good,” he said before hanging up.

  Katie put the phone in her lap and looked at Pandora, who put out her bottom lip. “What, I can’t be on tv? I’m fucking great on tv, bitches.”

  Katie lifted both eyebrows. “I think you just answered your own question there. We want them to like us, not want to crucify us.”

  7

  “And that, ladies and gentlemen is how you lose horribly at Fortnite,” Angie said, laughing as another player’s character danced over her.

  She laughed and typed into the chat, answering some of her viewers’ questions. They were really starting to get active on her Twitch channel, and her followers had skyrocketed. She was enjoying not being a merc assistant for a little while each day.

  Juntto walked up and put his hand on her shoulder, leaning down into the view of the camera and smiling. He was wearing his new apron that said Kiss Frosty, and a tall chef’s hat. She looked at him and giggled.

  Staring oddly into the camera, he gave his best shot at a friendly smile that came out more creepy than anything else. “Tune in later for Juntto’s Joy of Cooking!”

  Angie shook her head and laughed it off, speaking into her mic. “That is my main squeeze and a new culinary genius, ladies and gentlemen. He puts up with my constant chattering into a microphone all day. Don’t be fooled, though. He is one hell of a gamer when he sits down to do it.”

  Juntto walked off, Angie watching him walking away curiously. He went straight into the kitchen and pulled his camera up to the height he needed to broadcast his cooking show. Next to it he hooked up his laptop and plugged in the cords. The laptop projected his image on the screen and he stood in position, making sure that everything was centered and correct. He also took the empty bags of Cheetos off the counter behind him and dumped them into the trash can.

  Angie wrinkled her forehead, glancing between the screen and the kitchen. She had no idea what he was up to. Pulling the microphone down, she smiled into the camera. “Okay, guys, sorry. I’m going to take a little break, but I’ll be back. Make sure to follow my channel, and send me a request to guest-play on your team. I’ll be doing that every Wednesday!”

  Angie turned the camera and mic off and put the stuff down on her desk, then pushed back her chair and gingerly walked to the kitchen door. “Whatcha doing?”

  Juntto grinned. “You have your show, I think I will have my own. I will cook classic Earth dishes. Hearty dishes for warriors like me and Katie and the other mercs, but anyone can enjoy them.”

  Angie smiled, crossing her arms. “That’s great, Juntto. So, you want to have your own cooking show? What are you going to do on the show?”

  Juntto gestured at the ingredients. “I’m going to make stuff. I have a list of the different foods I’ll be preparing, and I’ll tell them how to make it as I go.”

  Angie nodded. “Who is your audience?”

  Juntto pointed at the camera. “YouTube people.”

  Angie chuckled. “I know that, but is there an age group? A demographic? You know, the specific people you want to target to watch it?”

  Juntto blinked at her. “Not really sure on that one. I guess whoever is excited to cook with Juntto!”

  Angie bit her bottom lip, not wanting to say anything negative about his idea. It was obvious, though, that he had no idea what he was doing. No script, no marketing, just jumping on live and hoping that people randomly came across his show. She knew, unfortunately, that making a show successful, especially on YouTube, took a lot more work than that.

  Timothy yawned, then reached over and grabbed a handful of M&Ms from the bowl by his desk. He had a serious sweet tooth today. Sean noticed it, and Timothy glanced at him. “What? I’m craving chocolate, okay? Sue me. It must be my time of the month.”

  Sean chuckled as he reached over and picked up the ringing phone. “This is Sean.”

  “Hey, it’s Katie. Can I talk to Timothy?”

  Sean handed the phone to him. “It’s our fearless leader.”

  Timothy dusted his hands off. “Mm. Good. Hello there, sexy Viking warrior lady.”

  Katie laughed. “I definitely do not feel like any of the above, but thank you, and hello to you too.”

  Timothy sat down in his chair, noting her tone was calm, which meant there was no immediate emergency. “What can I do for you today?”

  Katie groaned. “Brushwood wants me to start doing interviews. He thinks the world is interested in knowing more about me.”

  Timothy clapped his hands excitedly. “That will be so much fun!”

  Katie grumbled. “For anyone other than me. I was calling to see if you knew any good reporters, newscasters, or whoever. Who do you think would be fair while interviewing me? I don’t want to have to spill all my secrets.”

  Timothy leaned forward and rubbed his chin. “Hmmm. Well, I would definitely stay away from the daytime type of shows. They are going to want juicy intimate details. Definitely go more for news-anchor-type people. But you want to make sure those are on your side, or they will chew you up and spit you right the fuck out. I’m picturing someone more Dan Rather than Tomi Lahren, that feisty little bitch. Though I would pay to watch you kick her ass.”

  Katie laughed. “I am pretty sure that is exactly what Brushwood wants to avoid at all costs. No fighting, no vulgarity, no tits popping out. You know, just words, and positive ones at that. I’m good at the spur-of-the-moment ones, but terrible when it’s scripted and I’m on the spot.”

  Timothy brightened up. “You know what you could do? You could do a confessional-type interview. You know, the ones where you sit down in a comfortable place and you talk right to the camera? Like how they do on the reality television shows. Then you edit it and put it out there to whoever you want. That way you only have to answer the questions that you feel comfortable with, and no one is pressing you for answers to stuff that is none of their damn business to begin with. People are tricky; they want the juice, and they will squeeze the shit out of you to get it.”

  Katie was feeling even more nervous now. “Yeah, I can’t do that. Number one, the general wants face to face. Number two, I would feel stupid sitting there talking to the camera like that. Seriously. I would feel like a complete and total idiot. No, I am going to stick to what he wants.”

  Timothy lifted his eyebrows. “Did he say what that is?”

  Katie was exasperated. “No. He just said he would set something up, then told me to shop around to see who I would feel comfortable with. I get this feeling he is looking for something like Dateline or a show where I sit in a comfortable chair across from Diane Sawyer and am forced to shed a tear at one point.”

  Timothy giggled. “Do you have tear ducts?”

  Katie rolled her eyes. “Yes, asshole, and I do cry from time to time. But it rarely achieves anything, now does it?”

  Timothy shrugged. “Do it on national television, and it will make you look more human and less like a winged and glowing angel from the heavens. Might help people relate to you better.”

  Katie thought about that for a moment. “No, definitely not. I’m not selling out on national television.”

  Timothy popped another candy in his mouth. “I knew you would say that. Is Pandora going to be doing interviews too? I mean, don’t get me wrong, Miss Pandora, you are wonderful, but I think you might want to s
it this one out. I don’t know if the population at large is ready for that much fabulousness at one time. Their televisions might short out, or they might have strokes. It could be a dark day for the country.”

  Katie put the phone on speaker. Pandora pouted. “I think it’s bullshit I can’t be on television. I used to be great on film. People loved me.”

  Timothy furrowed his brow. “You were in the movies?”

  Pandora cleared her throat. “More like the straight-to-tape kind of movies. You know, the ones with red tape.”

  Timothy tilted his head back. “Ohhhh. So, they saw a lot of you then.”

  Pandora was indignant. “They saw what I wanted them to see. I showed them my talents, and then I blew them…away with my amazing acting abilities. I should have gotten awards, but you know that no one was ready for that back then.”

  Timothy pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh. He knew very well that putting Pandora up there for an interview would be a total disaster, and he knew Katie was thinking that too. “Oh, sweetie. It is nothing like the old days. It’s hot. You are sweating, the makeup itches, and you have to sit there even when they aren’t filming your good side.”

  Katie coughed. “That’s right. And we won’t be talking about anything interesting. It’ll be a boring-ass hour of taping, and then we get the hell out of there. Really, it’s not going to be much fun at all.”

  Pandora huffed. “You guys are just saying that so I won’t insist, but don’t worry, I won’t. I can tell when I’m not wanted. But let me say this to you right now: you are going to regret it. They would fall in love with me in two seconds.”

  Katie gasped and took the phone off speaker. “She jumped back into me. She’s pretty upset.”