Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

Timothy sniffed. “We love you, Pandora. Now, beyond the questions, you are going to have to do your hair and your makeup and pick out a perfect outfit. Those are the things that really matter. If you aren’t visually appealing, no one is going to listen to what you’re saying. We want you to come out looking like a beautiful woman who also happens to have the skin of an angel and the body of a kick-ass demon slayer. Not too scary, not too frilly.”

  Katie started to panic. “That is not a good enough description of what I’m supposed to be doing here. How do I portray that with a pallet and some concealer?”

  Timothy waved his hand, crossing his legs. “Girl, please. You have two of the most fashion-forward and amazing women in the world here to help you with anything you need. And when the moment comes, if you need help, you just Skype Stephanie and me and we will walk you right through, down to the last blot of your lips.”

  Katie sighed. “Thank you. I knew I could count on you.”

  Timothy smacked his lips. “The whole country will either want to fuck you, friend you, or fucking be you.”

  Juntto put his hands out, staring at the camera. “What you have to remember is, when the fish bites, you want to snag them on your hook and then slowly pull them in. If you are using a homemade fishing rod, you pull the line in with your hands, keeping really good control. If you are using the new rods with a spool, wind them in slowly, stopping to snag them between roll-ins until you are able to net them or pick them up.”

  Juntto flipped to a picture of a rabbit. He then launched into a complete explanation of how to catch a rabbit the warrior way, which was basically creating your own trap and then spearing the rabbit when it was caught. When he was done with that, he finished up with a description of how to properly butcher a lamb. “I was going to show you step by step with a lamb, but my girlfriend told me it was not a good idea.”

  Juntto took a break from the video, pausing and bringing up his main screen with music while he prepared for the next section. He whistled, closing the notes in front of him and pulling out the ingredients he needed. Angie flinched as he dropped a rack of lamb on the table in front of him.

  Juntto looked at her, concerned. “Are you okay?”

  Angie burped with a closed mouth and rubbed her stomach. “That was good. You know, you really let them know every…last detail. But maybe next time you could not go so in depth? I don’t think people needed the visual of the lamb.”

  Juntto looked at her, puzzled, and then smiled. “I forgot what weak stomachs humans have. I will go easier on them next time.”

  Angie nodded and sat up as Juntto turned the video back on. “Welcome back to Cooking with Juntto. The next thing we will be doing, now that we know how to butcher that lamb, is cooking it up for a nice winter meal before a day of slaughtering warriors.”

  Juntto spent the next hour or so cooking the lamb, attempting to bake rye bread, and showing the audience how to pickle a fish. People definitely didn’t see those three things a lot on cooking shows, and there was probably a reason for that. Angie couldn’t think of too many demographics of viewers who would be excited to know how to pickle a fish, much less eat it. Nonetheless, Juntto had a niche of his own. Whether anyone else had the same interests was yet to be known.

  Angie propped her head on her hands and watched him the whole time, fascinated that he knew how to do all those things. It kind of gave her a look into what his life had been like in his dimension. They were true Vikings, hunting and eating off the land. He even struggled with the oven because he was used to wood-fired everything, including when it came to baking bread. It was obvious, though, that someone else had baked his bread in his homeland. He struggled more with that than anything else. In the end, the recipe was right, but the bread came out flat and slightly burned.

  The lamb actually looked amazing, and the smells that wafted through the condo were unlike anything Angie had ever smelled before, and not in a bad way. She was starting to hope he cooked on a regular basis, maybe leaving out the whole pickling part—especially when it came to fish.

  Juntto picked up his glass and threw back a shot of tequila, letting out a deep breath afterward. He smiled into the camera as he cut into his roasted lamb. “Sometimes, in order to really get the ideas flowing, you have to have a little sip of the good stuff. Or, as I have shown throughout the video, half of a bottle of tequila.”

  Angie just blinked, knowing that if she had tried to cook while drinking that much tequila, she would be a little less clothed and a little less conscious, and something would be on fire. But not Juntto. His drinks only made him a little wittier and a lot more concerned with the internal temperatures of meats. “Where I am from, you cook until browned. If you are in the field battling other warriors, you eat whatever you get. Sometimes raw, sometimes burnt, sometimes not even knowing what you are eating. I didn’t die.”

  Juntto went to a break and put down his knife, lowering his head. Angie raised hers and looked at him, concerned. “What’s wrong? Is it the tequila?”

  He shook his head, pointing at the laptop. “No one, not a single person, is watching my cooking show.”

  Angie poked her head over and then sat down. “Juntto, you have to understand that people need time to find out about it. They need to see marketing, see you post it on Facebook maybe, and develop word of mouth, even. You need to make sure that you give this some time. Don’t get frustrated.”

  Juntto pouted. “You had followers fast.”

  Angie shook her head. “It’s Twitch, and I’m a chick who is good at video games. I’m not famous by any account. I still have to be patient.”

  He pursed his lips. “Maybe I need celebrity guests.”

  He transformed, putting on a high voice and standing in front of Angie like Julia Child. Angie wrinkled her nose. “I’m pretty sure she’s dead, so that would be really weird. It would confuse a whole lot of people.”

  Juntto nodded, changing back to himself and thinking about it. “How about Martha Stewart?”

  He changed to Martha, holding up the lamb and smiling. Then he morphed into Emeril and stood there wiggling his eyebrows at Angie. When she sneered, he changed to Bobby Flay, then Rachael Ray, then Paula Dean.

  Angie’s eyes went big and she shook her head. “Not Paula Dean. She has racist tendencies.”

  Juntto morphed into the Cookie Monster. “Me bake cookies. Yum, yum, yum, yum.”

  Angie put her hand over her mouth as she laughed. Juntto reached his furry arm across the island. “Me eat your cookies. Num, num, num, num.”

  Angie rubbed her face and shook her head with a smile. “Juntto, I think that you should stick to being you. You don’t need any famous chefs. You are enough. You are the wonderful and amazing Juntto. Besides, there is a really good chance that if you did that, you would get sued. No one wants that kind of publicity, trust me.”

  Juntto transformed back into himself and smiled. “Thanks for taking the time to watch me. I missed you.”

  Angie got up and walked around, giving him a kiss. “You’re welcome. But just so you know, the next time you pickle fish in this condo, you’re sleeping on the balcony.”

  8

  Katie pulled down on the sides of her black pencil skirt as she walked toward the coffee shop. On top, she wore a modest white blouse, only two buttons undone, and a short black dress blazer. Her hair was down and done in soft curls, and her makeup was professional but softened her normal tough look. She didn’t want to scare anyone, so Stephanie and Timothy had walked her through everything.

  She was meeting with reporter Jasmine Polk to have coffee and pastries and talk about her upcoming interview with Channel 7. When she walked into the shop, the recognizable television face stood up and smiled, waving her over. She was tall, blond, and perfectly poised, as usual.

  Jasmine shook Katie’s hand. “It’s so good to meet you, Katie! We were thrilled that you wanted to come on Channel 7 and talk to us. Please, have a seat. They are going to bring over some coffee and Danishes.�
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  Katie smiled. “Thank you. And thank you for agreeing to do the interview. I was told that it was important to start letting the public in my life a little. Let them get to know who I am.”

  Jasmine nodded. “Oh, I agree. You are very important to the country, and everyone is constantly questioning who you are—besides a badass, of course.”

  Katie chuckled as Jasmine giggled. “Just this morning I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife Elaine and our two daughters talking about how many people you’ve saved over the years. My daughters are obsessed. They have your posters and your dolls, and they just love watching your clips on YouTube.”

  Katie turned her head to the side. “I have a doll?”

  Jasmine smiled. “Mmhmm. Sure do. It’s a wonderful representation of you, but here in that suit, I almost didn’t recognize you.”

  Katie glanced around the coffee shop. “I don’t think anyone else does either. I’m so used to it now that I didn’t even realize it. That’s a good thing, though. We won’t be interrupted.”

  Jasmine pulled out a notepad. “Now, a little about me. I have been in the business for fifteen years. I have interviewed celebrities, dignitaries, and even presidents. I am known for being fair when I am reporting. Tough, of course, but fair. So, not all the questions will be sugar-coated, and we will try to dig to the bottom of some of the more negative things to shine a positive light on it if we can.”

  Katie nodded. “All right. There will be exceptions, though. Not everything I do can be talked about on national television.”

  Jasmine agreed. “Understandable. We aren’t dealing with another country here. We are dealing with dark demon forces. We can’t take the chance of giving away any secrets they might find interesting. We don’t want this to start another incursion by any means.”

  Katie smiled at the waitress as she set her coffee in front of her, then took a long sip and set it down. Pandora was inside her, not keeping her comments to herself as usual. Good lord, don’t gulp it down like you just left the Sahara. Remind me never to let you go to tea with the queen.

  Katie took a deep breath, reminding herself to keep her facial expressions straight. I don’t think this is the time to poke at me on how I am drinking my goddamned coffee, okay?

  Pandora snorted. Don’t do that on television, please.

  Katie tried to tune her out, but whenever she did, Pandora would up her heart rate and bring sweat to her forehead. Stop doing that. Seriously, it is not funny.

  Pandora laughed. Then stop trying to tune me out. If I can’t be on television, I will at least be in your head. I am not someone you can just throw to the side when you get a little bit of fame.

  Katie couldn’t concentrate on what Jasmine was saying. This is not fame. I have to answer uncomfortable questions about myself and you on national television, while the world watches. Trust me, this is not my idea of a fun time.

  Pandora sniffed. I really want to know about Jasmine’s relationship. I’ve never met a full-on lesbian before. Oh, ask her if she has a white couch.

  Katie was confused. Uh, why?

  Pandora giggled. Because every lesbian porn you ever watch where they are on a couch, it’s always white and leather. I thought maybe that was a lesbian thing. Like a shining beacon showing their sexual preference.

  Katie picked up a pastry and shoved a bite in her mouth. I am not asking this reporter to talk about her private sex life with her wife. Have you lost your goddamned mind? Please be quiet so I can get through this without looking like a complete idiot.

  “Katie?” Jasmine said smiling.

  Katie shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear what you said.”

  Jasmine repeated pleasantly. “What are you trying to accomplish with this newscast or interview?”

  Katie thought about the question for a moment. “I would like to communicate to everyone that I’m not a danger to anyone who isn’t from hell. I know it scares people that I was Damned and now my demon and I have become angels, but we both want the best for the world, and we would never do intentional harm to anyone we could save or anyone who is not infected. We are soldiers for the world. Also, there is one other thing I have heard going around online and other places. I am not in this for financial gain. It is true that I get paid by the government, but I do that to have the tools and people necessary to fight this war. I am in no way, shape, or form in this for the money or the fame.”

  Angie patted the seat on the couch next to her and smiled as Juntto walked over and sat down. He was reading some pages he had printed out on how to get more YouTube viewers. “I think that if I put some of these into action, I could have just as many followers as you do.”

  Angie smiled at him, taking the papers from his hands and setting them on the table. “I know that this is important to you, but I feel like you have been killing yourself trying to compete with me when it comes to this whole video and followers thing. You are constantly comparing numbers and getting upset when I’ve gained and you haven’t, and I feel like it’s taking over our lives.”

  Juntto sat up straight. Angie reached over and took his hand. “I want you to understand that we don’t have to compete. We can have our own things and be who we want without making it a competition. I know that’s natural for you, but it could really start to hurt our relationship if we let this come between us. I just want to see that you are enjoying what you’re doing, and that you have found something that makes you happy.”

  Juntto squeezed her hand and sat back on the couch. “I am not competing with you. I want you to be successful even if I am not at this venture. I am happy for you when you get more followers. The truth is, I didn’t do this for that reason. I started this cooking show because I wanted to show you a piece of my home and my heritage. I wanted to bring a piece of it right into our own kitchen as something that you would enjoy. It’s not a competition as much as it is me giving you a look at why I am who I am through food.”

  Angie’s mouth dropped slightly open, and she leaned her head against Juntto’s arm. “That’s so sweet. I love it. I want to know everything about you and your life back there. Of course, I do.”

  Juntto smiled. “I figured you would, but I was trying to find a piece that you might like. Not combat or wars or Viking stories. Something that was an everyday thing. There are actually a lot of things like that. The amount of time we spent fighting was tiny compared to what we did in our daily lives—everything from cooking to building, and even weaving cloth to make clothing for our people.”

  Angie kissed him on the cheek. “I love that you want me to be a part of it. I wish we could one day go visit there. And who knows, that might actually happen. But for now, I think this is a wonderful way to show me part of your culture.”

  Juntto was happy. “Plus, I will admit that I need something productive to do that I enjoyed when I was not out winning battles. Otherwise, I really do think I would have driven you crazy.”

  Angie laughed. “I appreciate that, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I do know, though, that if you don’t have that thing, you will drive yourself crazy, and no one wants to see that frustration come out again. I want you to like your life outside of fighting because there is so much more to it that you can explore.”

  Juntto raised his chin proudly. “Here’s a bit of information you don’t know about me. I am actually very well-respected back home for my cooking skills. Every cycle of our moons, the people would gather, and I would cook a huge feast for everyone. They would watch me cook, learn from me, and enjoy the food. It was a nice break from all the fighting, no matter how much I love it.”

  Angie tilted her head to the side with a gleam in her eye. “That is so sweet. I can totally imagine that too, especially now that I’ve watched you cooking for your show. You put a lot of care and love into it, and that is amazing. You also know how to do things that people here don’t know how to do, like pickling fish. That is wild.”

  Juntto laughed. “And it is yummy t
oo. Wait ‘til you try it. I know it freaks you out now, but you will be shocked.”

  Angie thought about it for a second. “I have an idea. Why don’t I volunteer to come on your show? That way I can bring you in some viewers. I bet there are plenty of people on Twitch who would really like watching you cook, especially with the amount of alcohol you consume.”

  Juntto pumped his fist. “That would be great.”

  Angie jumped up and went over to the computer, turning on her camera. She greeted her fans and started talking about the next game she was waiting to start. “And by the way, I will be making a guest appearance on one of the coolest new cooking shows on YouTube. Cooking with Juntto explores all kinds of different meats and veggies, and shows you how to cook them easily and deliciously. Stay tuned for that. When I have the video release date, I will post it on here and remind you guys.”

  Juntto, in giant blue frost giant form, walked over and leaned down, looking in the camera. He smiled and waved before standing up and hitting his head on the ceiling. Dust fluttered down over Angie and she laughed. “This is one of those things that you experience when dating a frost giant—a lot of head injuries and cracked ceilings. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  Juntto grinned and shrank to a smaller version of himself. He grabbed his notes and started creating his next show with guest cooking star, Angie. He wanted to make sure their first show together was absolutely perfect.

  Brock and Korbin sat across from each other, stirring their drinks. After a long day of hawking with the prince, they had to settle into their project. They decided to head out to one of the hotel restaurants to have a few drinks. Drinking was banned in most of Bahrain, but exceptions were given to the hotels in order to foster a better time for the tourists who brought so much money to the island.

  On top of that, both of them were starving, and neither wanted to cook at the house. They ordered steak and shrimp and a couple of scotches and sat in the hotel dining room talking and reflecting on the day, as well as beginning plans for the next fort.