Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  The sculptor ran his finger across his lips and pretended to lock them. “Your secret is safe with my souls and me. Anything for Lucifer. When he sees this glory standing high atop the hills, he will know that my golden sculpting hands caressed every piece of stone into the perfect rendition of his amazingness.”

  Beelzebub lifted an eyebrow, watching him swirl his hands in front of him, his lip twitching, caught in his own world. “Okay. So, call me when we are good to go.”

  11

  Katie was up before the sun was even shining through her window. She had nerves coursing through her like she hadn’t experienced in years. To say she was anxious would be an understatement. This was the day; the day she had her first-ever interview on national television. She already had practice getting her makeup and hair right for her conversation at the coffee shop, so that was the first thing she did.

  Everyone was super supportive, sending texts and notes to let her know that she wasn’t alone and they would all be watching. For some reason, that only made her more nervous. Pandora stayed inside of her to try to calm her nerves, and at the same time quiz her so she wouldn’t lock up on the tough questions. Katie stepped into her knee-length black dress and zipped up the side, then pulled her blazer on, buttoning the buttons in the front.

  Pandora cleared her throat. Are you seeing anyone?

  Katie stared at herself in the mirror. I’m sorry, but that’s a bit personal.

  Pandora was pleased. Missionary, doggy, or cowgirl?

  Katie smirked. Again, personal.

  Spit or swallow?

  She shook her head. Pandora, I love you, but I need to focus.

  Pandora chuckled. Sorry. Sorry. I’m nervous for you.

  Katie pulled the bottom of her jacket straight and nodded at herself in the mirror. I’ll be fine.

  Katie sat in the high-backed cushioned maroon chair, crossing her legs away from the camera and setting her hands in her lap so there would be no accidental peek-a-boo under her skirt. Jasmine Polk sat across from her smiling, her hair and makeup as perfect as always. The cameras spun around them, and Katie tried to ignore it. They had told her before she went on to not look directly into the camera. To keep her eyes on Jasmine, and they would do the rest, so that’s what she did. She stared, almost glaring at the reporter.

  Jasmine smiled, allowed to talk to the camera. “Welcome back to Channel Seven Morning show. I am Jasmine Polk, and today I am here with a very interesting person, probably one of the most famous, followed, and mysterious people today. Katie from Katie’s Killers, angel, demon, and human too, is here in the studio. Welcome, Katie.”

  Katie gave her a sweet smile. “Thank you, Jasmine. It’s good to be here.”

  She looked at Katie, holding a small stack of cards in her hands. “We are just going to roll right in. Katie, everyone wants to know: what was it like to one day wake up and become a force against demons?”

  Katie chuckled nervously. “Well, Jasmine. I wouldn’t say that I am a force or that I just woke up one day, and poof, there I was. It took a lot of training, it took building a relationship with Pandora—”

  “Who is your demon, correct?” Jasmine asked.

  Katie thought about her answer for a moment. “She started out as the demon I was infected with, yes, but now she has been taken back into the covenant of the angels and works for God. She actually has no more of the abilities linked to demons.”

  Jasmine winked at the camera. “We like the way that sounds. A true redemption story by none other than God himself.”

  Jasmine went on to ask more easy questions, cutting small jokes and making pleasant conversation. “Katie, would you be willing to show off your wings? Many of us have been dying to see them.”

  Katie smiled and tilted her head the side. “I would rather not. In my eyes, they are a tool, given to me by the angels—and God of course—and aren’t for show or anything like that. But if you’ve seen me anytime lately, I use them on a daily basis.”

  Jasmine pouted and then laughed. “We totally understand. Modesty is a good thing sometimes. Tell us, Katie, are you seeing anyone special?”

  Katie blushed slightly and looked down at her hands. “That’s a bit too personal. Jasmine, the thing is, I want to keep my private life private. It’s not because I begrudge anyone knowing who I am, but because behind closed doors I can, for a certain point in time, even if it’s just an hour, be a normal girl. But I do want to assure the people at home that I am fighting for them every day. Even if it doesn’t directly affect them, each and every demon and criminal I get off the streets will be one fewer we have to face during an incursion. One fewer who could be the attacker of your family or your children. Whether it’s a big fight or a small squabble, I am not doing it for myself.”

  Jasmine smiled. “That is what people want to hear.”

  Katie chuckled. “I do have one request.”

  Jasmine tilted her head to the side. “What’s that?”

  Katie turned, breaking the rules and looking into the camera. They stayed with her, though. She smiled, thinking of all the innocent faces out there watching her. “Be good to one another. I think the masses know more now than ever in history that the world is full of good and bad, and sometimes it can be blurred, showing both sides of the coin. But when you fear, when you lash out at others for their differences, when you judge others, that is dark energy, and the demons feed on that. It makes dark things possible, and allows our world to be overtaken by these beings from hell.”

  She took a deep breath and turned to Jasmine. “Yeah. I think that is the most important thing anyone can get out of watching this interview. Just be good to each other, because that hope and kindness make it a hell of a lot harder for evil to take root and grow between us. If two opposite people like Pandora and me can do it and bring ourselves to halos, then each and every one of you can do it as well.”

  Angie sat on her knees, holding the remote with the sound on high. She had stopped her Twitch game to watch the show. Katie stared at the camera. “…then each and every one of you can do it as well.”

  Angie smiled, nodding her head. “Good girl. Speak the truth.”

  Brushwood locked his office and told the receptionist he wanted no interruptions. He turned on the big screen and put the interview up. As Katie spoke her truth, he smiled, nodding. “Yes. That is what they need. They need to see you telling them to just do better.”

  He chuckled as he tapped the chair, exuding excitement at how well she was doing.

  The streets of New York rarely stood still. Cars were always buzzing by, and Times Square was continuously crazy. On that day, though, the large screen showed Katie’s face, smiling and looking into the camera. New Yorkers stopped and crowded in front of it, listening to her message. Her voice echoed through the narrow streets and off into space with her message of hope.

  Beelzebub sat next to Baal in Baal’s study. He had dismissed all the servants and closed the doors firmly before sitting down. He wanted to have a heart-to-heart with him, no matter how mushy and disgusting it sounded. He was the closest person to Beelzebub, and he wanted to know whether they were on the same side.

  Beelzebub leaned forward. “Can I trust you?”

  Baal smirked. “Of course not. What a silly question.”

  Beelzebub smiled. “What if Lucifer were to venture to Earth? What would happen at that point? Would anyone notice? Would there be fire and brimstone? What would the outcome be?”

  Baal looked down at his drink. “That doesn’t happen. He knows he is not allowed to be there.”

  Beelzebub nodded. “Okay, but what if it happened?”

  Baal raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. “Then the angels would respond in kind. All of them, from Gabriel on.”

  Beelzebub thought about it for a moment. “And what would happen? Would there be a war? Would they kill him? Would they send him back? Could the angels actually defeat him?”

  Baal shrugged. “They would keep the balance, howeve
r that is done. There will always be a hell because not everyone is suited for heaven. Do I know if Lucifer has to be the ruler? I don’t know that answer; only one being does. But the angels will protect the people at all costs. That is what they do.”

  Beelzebub rubbed his chin and chuckled. “So we are talking Armageddon, the final battle. Real apocalyptic shit. The horsemen, fires raging, people dying. The dead battling the living. Everything depicted in those meatsacks’ movies, but worse.”

  Baal nodded. “I suppose so. Sounds like a real party, doesn’t it? I think I might just enjoy it from the telly. I’m not really an apocalyptic fighter, especially when angels can kill you with one blow of their swords. Nonetheless, I would laugh as the locusts wiped out everything.”

  Beelzebub sat back and crossed his peg leg over the other one, holding onto it with his hands. Baal narrowed his eyes at him, knowing he was up to something. “Why, may I ask, are you so interested in this concept? Lucifer knows these rules, and I doubt he will break them anytime soon. There is fear in him when he has mentioned the angels in the past. He was put down here by the hand of God, and he would be stupid to think that same hand wouldn’t crush him if he were to break the rules.”

  Beelzebub smirked. “But while he was away, you know, fighting in the last days, someone would need to run hell in his absence. It doesn’t just self-sustain. If it did, Lucifer would not be needed.”

  Baal thought about that for a moment, rubbing his chin. “I suppose you’re right, but I would assume that would be the council’s job. I’m not quite sure how that would work. I guess, yes, there would have to be some sort of interim leader.”

  Beelzebub grinned. “Why not me?”

  Baal didn’t say a word, just stared at him. Beelzebub put out his arms to the sides. “I am an elder. I have been around hell for a very long time. I know how the systems work, what is needed, and how to keep everyone content. It would only make sense for me to take over his duties and keep hell in proper functioning order. And if I was on the throne, why not just close all of the portals back? Keep Lucifer down there on Earth, either continuing to fight the angels or dying on the sword of Gabriel? His sword is lost, and he would be incapable of retrieving it at the depths it sits. Lucifer would literally be a sitting duck.”

  Beelzebub glanced out the window, where one of the demon servants was cleaning the glass. “Do you honestly think that a single demon wouldn’t think about offing him when he is vulnerable in hell? Please. They worship out of fear, not out of loyalty. And if they don’t attack you, let a host of angels fuck him up.”

  Baal turned his head to the side, putting his elbow on his leg and his chin in his hand. He crossed his fingers over his snout. “I’m listening. Go on.”

  Beelzebub shrugged. “Just seems like the right thing to do.”

  Baal took a deep breath, showing little emotion. “What about supporters of this cause? Have you seen interest from anyone else?”

  Beelzebub shook his head. “No. Not yet, but like you said, friends on the council are better than enemies. This is all a matter of stepping stones here. They need proof that I know what I am doing. Right now, they think I am a bumbling idiot. Once Rio de Janeiro is fucked up, they’ll see that I’m the guy for the job. I will be the next leader of hell.”

  Katie lifted her chin as the makeup person quickly blotted the oil off her face before disappearing. Jasmine straightened her mic and smiled as the music came back on. “If you are just tuning in, we are here today with an exclusive interview with Katie from Katie’s Killers. She has been candid with us, talking about her hopes for the people of this world. She spoke of her beginnings as a young college student thrust into a world she had to learn to maneuver, a demon she had to bond with, and a life she had to let go of.”

  Katie smiled as Jasmine turned to her. “Now you are Katie, leader of the Killers, ally of the government, the police… Everyone, really. You are an ally of the world’s people, and so is Pandora.”

  Katie nodded. “Yes, that’s a great way to put it. We are allies of the world’s people.”

  Jasmine looked at her cards. “You have your own business, too. Tell us about that.”

  Katie remembered the words she practiced. “I own the company that sells special metal bullets at a discount to both the public and the private sectors.”

  Jasmine looked surprised. “So you are the mysterious owner behind that company. With a corner on the market, why do you discount them?”

  Katie furrowed her brow. “Why would I not? These bullets save people’s lives. If you are face to face with a demon, you will die without them. I could never make a profit off of humanity’s death while speaking about saving lives. That would be immoral and hypocritical of me at the deepest level. I’ll say it again: I am not in this to make a profit. I just need to support people in their effort to protect themselves and their families from the terrors in the night.”

  Jasmine pointed something else out. “And the police and government.”

  Katie nodded. “Yes, of course. We are the only manufacturers, not because we are holding the market, but because we are the only ones with the…power to do so. That may sound vague, but it is just that. No one else could produce these. And yes, I help out the military whenever I can, both with strategies and materials, as well as being on call for any incursions that take place or when any otherworldly situations happen. We work together now with technology and resources. We have found it is much better to do that than to let one or the other perish.”

  Jasmine licked her lips, looking down at her cards. “That is very noble of you. Now, to move on in another direction. It was recently leaked that a sector of the government, one that has not been named, in recent months found you to be a threat to the world. How was that handled?”

  Katie stared at her for a moment. “It was a misunderstanding perpetuated by a demon-infected human. Through a thorough vetting and a deep conversation as well as identifying the culprit, they cleared my name, and we continue to work together to this day.”

  Katie was getting uncomfortable with Jasmine’s line of questioning. It was becoming more personal, and more aggressive. Jasmine flipped her card. “And what about the claims that Damned are used like rag dolls, forced to be mercenaries without their consent?”

  Kate shook her head. “I would say that is complete and utter nonsense. We never do anything without the person’s consent. These are vicious rumors perpetrated by the same people with red eyes whispering on Capitol Hill. I think it’s important that everyone knows the laws of their country. When war strikes, it can really destabilize the system, and you want to be prepared.”

  Jasmine smiled again, this time with a layer of malice under it. “There is one question that has been floating around, over the web, and whispered at least once by everyone’s lips. It was a concern in the beginning, and seems to still be a concern to specific groups in the last few weeks.”

  Katie laughed. “Are you going to ask me? The suspense!”

  Jasmine gave a fake laugh, her lips and cheeks going straight. “You are a Damned. You were tied up and a demon, Pandora, was put into your body. From what has been related, your demon is supposedly very, very powerful. So powerful, in fact, that most humans and all demons are scared of her.”

  Katie gritted her teeth. “What is your point? Or question? Because I believe she has done more than enough to show that she is an ally of this world.”

  Jasmine narrowed her eyes. “But do you really know that? How can we be sure that she is safe enough to allow to walk freely? To move without restriction through the world, flying under her own power, no passport necessary. Can you guarantee her morality?”

  Katie pursed her lips and gave Jasmine an oh-shit look. Pandora burst out of her, growing big and then shrinking to normal size. “Did someone call me?”

  The general reached over and picked up his cigar from the ashtray. He rolled it over the glass pieces, knocking the excess ash off of it, and leaned forward as Jasmine asked
her question. “To move without restriction through the world, flying under her own power, no passport necessary. Can you guarantee her morality?”

  Suddenly Pandora burst out of Katie’s chest, growing large and then quickly shrinking back down before she could hit anything inside the studio. The general leaned forward and covered his mouth as she narrowed her eyes.

  He shook his head. “Oh, fuck.”

  12

  Calvin walked into the living area, putting his coat down on the back of a chair. Immediately his eyes were glued to Katie’s face on the television. She looked distraught, and Calvin’s stomach dropped. He put his hand on Stephanie’s shoulder and sat down next to her. “How is she doing?”

  Stephanie took a deep breath and pressed her lips together. “Well, it was going really well, but things got tricky. And now Pandora is out, and she’s not wearing a bra.”

  The camera panned to Pandora. “Oh, fuck.”

  Sean chuckled, looking at Carmen, who crossed her eyes and made a funny face. They had the television on in the training area, letting the soldiers watch the interview with Katie. It was a momentous occasion; the first mercenary to ever be interviewed on the television. The questions were all really great, and she was doing so well.

  One of the soldiers scooted forward in his seat. “Uh oh. The tone is changing.”

  As the reporter talked, questioning Pandora’s allegiance, everyone fell silent. The camera zoomed in on Katie’s face and then, pow, Pandora leapt out of her. As soon as she did, the whole room erupted in cheers. Sean just sat there, unsure whether that was a good thing or a very bad thing.

  Jasmine leaned back in her chair as Pandora got her footing. Katie put her hand to her chest and looked at Pandora with both pleading and anger. The reporter cleared her throat and sat forward again, her smile fading in and out. “And look who we have now: the infamous Pandora. We weren’t aware that you would be…uh…joining us today, but welcome to the studio.”