Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  She glanced at the cameramen. “Get her a chair.”

  Pandora sniffed, putting her hands up. “Not necessary.”

  Jasmine slowly turned back, at that point not knowing what to say or where to go from there. She had been in a lot of bad spots in her career, but never to a point where she was at a loss for words. The producer rolled his hand, telling her to keep going. They had just come back from a break, and couldn’t go again at that moment.

  Jasmine shook her hair back and sat up straight, taking a mic from the producer and handing it to Pandora. “Um, now that you’re here, Pandora—”

  Pandora gave her a deadpan stare. “Now that I’m here, why don’t you ask that question again and let me answer it?”

  Jasmine shuffled through her cards uncomfortably, becoming flustered. “The uh, the question was, how can the public be assured that you are indeed an ally and no longer with the demons?”

  Pandora nodded and chuckled. “Humans are so strange. I know this because I used to be one. I know, shocking. It was a long freaking time ago, though, so don’t be too worried, I won’t be popping up on any family trees. But seriously, how can humans be that blind? I know stuff is scary right now—demons, giant beasts, lava—but you have watched me day in and day out helping Katie to save the people of not just this city, not just this country, but this entire world. Yet you still question my loyalty? If I had a heart, I would be hurt by that, Jasmine. Luckily for you, it’s very tiny, at least when it comes to my own feelings.”

  Katie tried to reach out to her, but Pandora swatted her away. Katie put her hand over her mouth and stared at the floor. She could tell Pandora was trying not to get riled up, but how could she not when she was slapped in the face by that question?

  Pandora put her hands out. “You want to know the truth? Yes, I used to be a demon. In fact, I was a very powerful one. Not like these little bastards running around during incursions but an actual demon with power both magical and political. When I was thrown into Katie, I was tricked. I was tricked to Earth so I could be killed. Immediately I knew of the betrayal. I might be an angel now, but I have not always been.”

  Jasmine looked nervous, but the cameras just kept rolling. Pandora groaned, looking distraught. “Even when I was still a demon, I showed my loyalty. I’ve earned the damn right for people to stop asking me this question. Do you know what I did when I was still a demon, inside of Katie? I helped her kill Moloch. I helped her kill T’Chezz. I helped her kill about a billion other little cocksucker demons. We were saving asses left and right all over America.”

  Pandora flicked her hair, laughing angrily. “Hell, even before Katie could exorcise someone, I was pulling demons out of infected so that they could live their lives. That includes old people, young people; even a five-year-old girl one time. Katie didn’t make me do it, but she showed me why I should. She taught me, and reminded me who I really was on the inside. I didn’t start out a demon, and I won’t go down one, either.”

  She breathed heavily, shaking her head. “I swear, you people are going to make me stroke out one day in frustration. Yes. Yes. YES. One hundred times, yes, I love this country. Yes, I love humans, you weirdo fucks. I just want everyone to start taking yes for an answer instead of always thinking the worst. Always thinking that for some reason I am bullshitting you. That I am lying. I save all these lives, but deep down I got the beady red eyes. I’m tired of reading that people can’t change. I am not some normal douchebag. You have no education or factual basis to put that statement on, so stop spreading BS.”

  Pandora looked at Jasmine. “Let me ask you a question, Jasmine. What is it that people want? Do they only want to be saved if the person is a hundred percent palatable?”

  Jasmine stopped being nervous and looked at Pandora. “I guess I can’t speak for everyone, but in my opinion, they are looking for a hero. Someone they know they can trust to always be there and never turn their backs on them. Never feed them to the wolves to save their own hides. They want to sleep well at night knowing that their hero is out there protecting them in every way they can. I think that’s it. And you have to understand that while we see you saving the world, the people closest to the incursions are still terrified of demons. They are terrified of anything to do with them. And you were the alpha, the big dog, the one inside Katie. That was scary for them.”

  Pandora shook her head and let out a deep breath. “You know, there are a lot of times in my life that I look back and regret what I’ve done. And standing here today, looking back at all the demons I’ve killed, I don’t regret a single moment of it. I don’t regret saving a single life. Even if you want to villainize me, even if you want to fear me, you won’t break me. I’m too fucking tough for that shit.”

  Katie jerked her thumb at Pandora. “She’s pretty amazing, and a much better person than a huge majority of the people in this world. Don’t be jealous.”

  Pandora held the mic to her lips. “The world wants a hero? Well, here you go.”

  She handed Jasmine the mic and took a deep breath. Raising her arms slowly into the air, she clapped them hard. The staff screamed as a bright flash of light filled the entire room. When it cleared, Pandora stood tall, wearing her armor. Her silver and black wings were spread wide, and her chin was tilted toward the sky.

  Jasmine slowly stood up, absolutely stunned by the beauty of her wings and her armor. “I don’t know if you can see this at home, but I have to say, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Pandora has wings; angel wings. We have all heard about them, and some have caught a glimpse, but standing here…it’s so…”

  Tears filled Jasmine’s eyes as she was overwhelmed by the angel energy spilling from Pandora. It seemed to roll off her like waves of light radiating through the space. She reached out, a stream of energy curling around her hand and seeping into her skin. You could see the calm overcome the reporter and she plopped back down in her chair with a smile on her lips.

  Katie grinned at Pandora. “That was one way to do it, I guess.”

  Pandora rubbed her nose. “I couldn’t hold back any longer. The arrogance just snapped me.”

  Katie took a deep breath and nodded toward the camera. “Why don’t you tell them what’s up?”

  Pandora leaned forward and took the mic back, turning and staring into the camera. “You want a hero? I’m the hero you fuckers deserve.”

  It was a cold wintery Chicago day, and people were packed into a local bar, watching the interview on television. It had already been deemed the most watched newscast in America’s history, including the unfolding events on 9/11.

  They held their beers in their hands, the volume all the way up in the room. Pandora reached down and took the mic from the journalist. As she turned toward the camera, her eyes flashed a bright and beautiful blue, calming anyone who watched. “You want a hero? I’m the hero you fuckers deserve.”

  The whole bar erupted into cheers, clapping, and shouts. They seemed to like Pandora even more than Katie.

  Pandora stood behind the chairs, her wings tucked so they wouldn’t knock anything over. They had gone to break, and Jasmine refreshed her makeup and was trying to keep her composure. When the camera turned to her, she put a wild smile on her face. “Welcome back. If you are just tuning in, we heard an emotional response from Pandora and Katie, letting the country know Pandora is the hero they want.”

  Jasmine turned back to them and put out her hands. “I’ll be completely honest here. I think we covered everything that we could within government guides. I don’t have any more questions. Katie, is there something you would like to say?”

  Katie sat up straight and nodded. She turned and found the camera lurking behind her. She stepped forward, framing herself by the reflection in the lens. She swallowed, glancing at Pandora, who smiled and gave her an encouraging nod. She thought about Brock. She thought about Stephanie and Korbin. About Calvin and Sofia. About Timothy, Sean, Turner, Eddie, Joshua. She thought about everyone she knew and loved who h
ad put their lives at stake to help the people watching that day.

  She smiled slightly. “Believe your eyes. There are demons in the world, and there are Damned folks trying to help you all. You have to learn to trust us. I know it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, but you’ve got to do it. Believe me, trust was not on my priority list when the mercs brought me back and told me I had a demon in me. But when I finally opened up, when I finally let them in, I realized there is no one else in this world I would trust more than my team and the people I work with on a daily basis. We have had your back this long. It’s time to let us take you under our wings.”

  Katie stood up and spread her wings, nodding to Pandora. They walked off of the stage and headed straight for the exit doors from the studio. As soon as they were clear, they took off, flying straight up to the roof. They wanted to get the hell out of there so they weren’t asked any more questions.

  Katie landed and folded her wings, walking across the roof with her hands to her head. Pandora landed too, stepping up on the edge of the building and stretching both her arms and her wings at the same time. They looked down at the street below, where people were starting to gather outside of the studio. Pandora slapped her hands together and turned toward Katie. “That was fun. Donuts?”

  She lifted her eyebrows, watching Katie pace nervously, her hands still clutching her head. She was freaking out. “Oh, God. Oh, God. This was... Oh, God. The general is going to be so pissed.”

  Pandora pursed her lips and shook her head, hurrying over to Katie and putting her arms around her. “Nah. Nah. Just take a deep breath. I think it all went really well. We both got stuff off our chests and appealed to humanity, and now we are free. There doesn’t seem to be any rioting happening down there, so that’s a good sign, right?”

  Katie looked at her and sighed. “I am never doing one of these again.”

  Pandora wrinkled her nose. “You kind of promised that you would. Besides, another one would give you a chance to explain our constant monologues during the interview. We really got everything we wanted to say just right out there in the open. Whoop. No fucking secrets.”

  “Can I have your autographs?” Gabriel appeared on the roof, smiling at the two of them.

  They whirled and stared at him in shock. Pandora glanced at Katie. “Did he…” She turned and looked at Gabriel. “Did you…”

  Katie patted Pandora on the hand. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath. We are all in a little bit of shock here. There were words. They might have been put together in a way that someone would portray as humorous, but we are probably just jumping to conclusions here.”

  Pandora snapped her head up and narrowed her eyes at Gabriel. She yelled out as she exhaled, “Holy fucking shit, Gabe! Did you just make a joke?”

  Gabriel chuckled and walked over to them, pulling off a pair of white gloves. He pressed his thumb to Pandora’s arm and she calmed down immediately, her body relaxing. “Thank you; that is much better. Now, did you just say something humorous? Because I want to log that in my memory forever. Like forever-forever. I wish I had been taping right then. Why is it that there are hundreds of UFO sightings in the middle of the night when someone randomly happened to be recording the black sky, but this? No proof.”

  Katie nodded at Gabriel. “Did you come to give us a hard time? I know how guys like to race to the finish.”

  Pandora covered her mouth and Katie stuck her hand up, keeping a straight face and staring at Gabriel. Pandora gave her a high five, impressed. Gabriel shook his head. “I came to tell you that I took care of your mother.”

  Katie blinked. “You did what to my mother?”

  Gabriel stared at her. “I took care of your mother so that she would have no concept of who you are.”

  Katie got it, and she pointed at him. “That was a good move. I didn’t even think about it. It would be very difficult for her at this point if suddenly she saw me on the news and I was an angel mercenary.”

  Gabriel snapped his fingers. “Yep. When things start to stabilize both in the war and in your life, we can talk about revisiting your mother and restoring her memories of you and reconnecting. For now, though, I just feel like it would be too much on her, and she might sustain damage to her heart or something.”

  Katie crossed her arms over her chest. “Yeah, I don’t want to give her a… Wait, did you say restore my mom’s heart?”

  Gabriel glanced around. “Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you that when you went to see her that time, after you left, I wiped the memory. She still believes you were killed. You inadvertently made her a target, so I did you a favor and took care of that.”

  Katie winced. “Never even thought about that kind of danger. I was still pretty new to the whole Damned thing at that point. But yeah, now is definitely not the time to tackle that. I don’t want to put her through any more pain than she has already been through. Losing me, finding me, losing me all over. It would just be too much to bear to have that conversation again with her and then leave. If this was over and I could be around her without putting her in danger, I would jump on it. It’s been many years since I’ve spoken to her.”

  Gabriel looked out at the scenery. “Well, this is a nice spot. A little chilly, but pretty good, I’d say.”

  Pandora rolled her eyes. “Is that a puzzle?”

  Gabriel stared at her. “No.”

  Pandora lifted her brow. “Is that a puzzle?”

  Gabriel lowered his eyelids and began to walk toward the edge, waving. “Have a good day, ladies.”

  Katie jumped and put out her hand. “Oh. Wait! Gabriel!”

  He stepped over the side of the building but just hovered there, turning around. “Yes?”

  Pandora grumbled, “Showoff.”

  Katie ignored Pandora. “How were we?”

  Gabriel smiled. “Your heart was in the right place.”

  Gabriel disappeared. Pandora looked down. “Shit. Did I look fat?”

  13

  Timothy winced, shrugging his shoulders. “I mean, I don’t know. This one is up in the air. It really depends what spin they put on it, you know? It could be the end of her public appearances, or everyone could absolutely love them. Of course, it was so them, so I loved it. Though I do not know what Pandora was thinking with that weird, white peasant top tucked into the black pants with combat boots.”

  Carmen shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought she looked hot in an I-don’t-give-a-fuck kind of way. Not everyone can just pull that off.”

  Carmen leaned forward as she pushed Sean’s chair. “What do you think?”

  Sean tapped his finger on his cheek and put his thumb up, a smile emerging. “I totally give them five stars. That performance was like something out of an awkward John Cusack movie, only without the cool hair pull and no throwback music.”

  Carmen slapped him on the shoulder. “You’re a John Cusack fan? No way! I love him. Say Anything. High Fidelity. Serendipity. Being John Malkovich. I could go on.”

  Sean put up his hand, and they all stopped. “Hello? Sixteen Candles.”

  Carmen rolled her eyes. “Goes without saying. Anyway, I think they were brilliant, and the beauty of it is, neither Katie nor Pandora were acting. That was raw frustration, anxiety, and anger just spilling out like an uncorked dam.”

  They walked up to the door of the dungeon and stopped. Carmen handed Sean off to Timothy. “This is where my journey ends, my friends. I am unfortunately not permitted to go beyond this point, although I’ve always wondered what is behind Door Number 666.”

  Timothy slid his card key and kicked open the door. “Just dead prostitutes and barrels full of babies.”

  Sean looked at her, laughing. “Why can’t you come in?”

  Carmen held up her badge and pouted. “I am just a lowly trainee working with the Gestapo brothers out in the courtyard, training my ass off day in and day out. I didn’t need to have the secret FBI, CIA, Men in Black clearance for that, so I didn’t even request it. Who knew I would end up b
eing friends with the Geek Patrol down in Tech? It’s a crazy world we live in.”

  Timothy stood up, frowning. “Is that what they call us? Do they call us the Geek Patrol? Are you fucking serious? With this motherfucking fashion and these high cheekbones? If I’m a geek, then so is Mila Jovovich, and I’m pretty sure those taped-down Leeloo titties will live in infamy, thank you very much.”

  Carmen just stood there staring at him before taking a deep breath and moving to Sean’s side. “Yeah, well, I have to get back to the top before Timothy blows a nut and glitter flies everywhere. You two have fun playing with the flashy buttons and screens I can see in there. Don’t forget to put lime on the dead prostitutes and throw a steak or two to the babies. They tend to get hungry when you don’t feed them.”

  She bent down and kissed Sean on the head before standing up and blowing Timothy a dramatic one with her foot kicked up and her eyes closed. “Ta ta, Geek Squad.”

  Sean laughed the whole time, but Timothy did not find the geek label funny in the least. He rolled Sean inside and closed the door with a grunt. “Geek. Really? Because I’m not an idiot and can type on a computer? What morons. Whatever. Can’t let it get me down, not with my girls in possible peril or facing potential stardom. It’s really a see-saw. Could go either way.”

  Timothy rolled Sean over to the computer and put on his brakes, stopping halfway through. “Why on earth am I doing this for you? You are more than capable, Cripple Bob.”

  Sean chuckled. “Hey, you didn’t ask, and I wasn’t going to give up the free ride. Carmen likes to push me around, so I don’t try to stop her. Besides, she fucking makes me laugh. She comes off all shy at first, but once she is comfortable, it’s like she just lets it all fly. That’s awesome.”