Off the Air

by L.H. Cosway

  “You’ve curated quite the playlist there,” I said, changing the subject. Whatever he’d planned to tell me, I didn’t know if I could handle hearing it right now.

  “Just dance with me,” he said, his voice a soft, quiet caress.

  He’d been wearing me down all night, and that combined with the alcohol in my system propelled me to take his hand. He led me over to a completely empty dance floor and slid his arms around my waist, their warmth familiar. I knew every part of him, his scent, his body language, even his facial expressions. And tonight I’d learned a new one: longing mixed with pain. It had been there all along, I was just too blind to see it.

  Everything we shared together was catalogued in my head, branded into my brain whether I liked it or not. When we’d first broken up, I couldn’t watch any of the TV shows or movies we’d watched together, couldn’t listen to the music or go to the pubs and restaurants that were our favourites. I had to give up so many good things because my broken heart had turned them all to poison.

  I wondered if Cal had given them up too. I tried to convince myself he didn’t hurt over our breakups like I did, but more and more I saw that wasn’t true. An ache built in my chest as I wished the thought away.

  His hands rested at the base of my spine. I stared at his collarbone, overwhelmed by his closeness and a feeling of futile hope. A hope that one day I wouldn’t be so torn apart inside.

  Lifting my gaze, I found him already looking at me. “Cal?”

  His response was a rumble from deep in his throat. “Hmm?”

  “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

  He stared at me for so long I wasn’t sure if he’d answer. “You’re flawed. That doesn’t make you bad.”

  I swallowed back the lump in my throat because I hadn’t realised just how much I needed to hear that.

  Cal studied me, perturbed. “Why would you think you’re a bad person?”

  All of a sudden, my words came pouring out. “Because I feel like everyone else has life figured out and I resent them for it. It’s like they understand some secret formula that I never will,” I trailed off, looking down, then forced myself to look back at him. “But mostly I think I’m a bad person because I pushed you away when you needed me most.”

  His expression changed, like he couldn’t believe I’d actually just admitted that. Hell, I couldn’t believe it myself.

  “You needed me just as much as I needed you,” Cal said, bringing his hand up to touch my cheek. “And nobody has life figured out. We’re all just taking stabs in the dark, learning as we go along. I mean, just look at me. If there ever was a poster boy for fucking things up, I’m him.”

  Unbidden, a tear trickled down my cheek. “Why are you being so nice to me? I’ve been horrible to you all night.”

  “Because I told you, I care about you, Leanne. I care about you more than you know.”

  His words blazed a fire inside me. I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth. It felt like I’d discovered so many new things about him tonight and I just…I just wanted to kiss him. He didn’t deserve what I’d done to him in the past, but I didn’t have the words to describe how sorry I was.

  I hovered close and his eyes grew hooded when he saw my intent. Our breaths mingled, and then…

  “There you are! It took us forever to find this place,” Michaela announced and I immediately pulled away from Cal. She and James came toward us, suspicion written all over their faces. Both of them knew about our contract and it suddenly dawned on me how close we’d come to violating it.

  Them turning up right now saved our bacon.

  So why wasn’t I relieved? My feelings for Cal and my guilt for pushing him away clouded over everything else. I hated what I’d done to him, now more than ever. There were so many things I wished I could go back and alter.

  Unfortunately, no matter how painful, there was no changing the past.

  Fourteen

  Callum

  Three years ago

  I hadn’t seen Leanne in almost a month. Not since she was released from the hospital, and not since she broke up with me at her parents’ house. It was driving me crazy. I needed to talk to her, but all my calls and texts went unanswered. Paul said to give her space, that she needed to rest and come to terms with losing the baby.

  She’s not the only one who lost something, I wanted to yell. Like, was this shit not supposed to affect me too? Was I supposed to just lick my wounds and get over it? I wanted us to do this together, to share the pain and find a way to heal, but she’d completely iced me out.

  We finished up the final week of filming and the show was going to air soon. Things were moving fast. Leanne had been on sick leave, but I heard she was coming back to join us for promos. We had weeks of interviews and appearances lined up and I was eager to see her.

  Who was I fooling? Eager was too tame a word. I was on a knife’s edge.

  Our first press conference was today. Journalists from magazines and news outlets across the country would be there, but all I cared about was seeing Leanne, making sure she was okay. Holding her.

  I showed up with Trev and James and we were led to a green room where a bunch of people involved in the show were waiting. Frantically, I scanned the space. Leanne sat on a couch next to Paul, the two of them deep in chat.

  I resented how close they were, especially now.

  She went to him for comfort when she should’ve been coming to me.

  Well, that shit ended today.

  “Leanne,” I said, my voice strained.

  She looked up, her expression flat. “Hi, Callum.”

  I scratched my jaw. “How have you been?”

  Her gaze lowered. “I’ve been okay.” I hated how she sounded, gone was her usual feistiness. Contrary to what she said, she didn’t sound okay.

  “Can we go somewhere after this? Grab lunch maybe?”

  She hesitated to answer, and Paul jumped in, like he was her protector and I was the villain of the piece. Hell, maybe I was. It was my fault this happened to her. To us. But that didn’t mean I was going to give up on what we had before it all went to shit.

  “I’m taking Leanne home after the conference,” Paul said.

  I turned to him irritably. “Are you her bodyguard?”

  He didn’t back down. “I’m her friend.”

  Before I could respond, our press agent interrupted to say it was time for us to go out to the conference hall. We all shuffled out of the room and I met Leanne’s gaze, but she quickly looked away. If she thought she could just avoid and ignore me and I’d give up, she had another thing coming.

  Quickly zipping by Paul, I made sure to grab the seat next to hers at the long table. There were fifty to sixty journalists in the room, alongside a bunch of photographers up front snapping pictures. This was it, the fifteen minutes of fame I’d been working for. I needed to make as much money as I could before those minutes ran out, but all I could think about was the woman sitting beside me and where we stood.

  “I miss you,” I said quietly and her posture stiffened as she stared dead ahead. “Jesus, are you not even going to look at me now?”

  She cast me a quick side glance. “Can you just stop? This is already hard enough, you don’t need to make things worse.”

  “You’ve been ignoring me for weeks. Do you even give a shit what I’ve been going through?”

  Now she turned to me, her eyes fierce. “What you’ve been going through?”

  “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re so pleased you could all join us today to meet the cast of Channel 4’s up-and-coming reality show, Running on Air,” our press agent began, introducing us one by one.

  Trev answered most of the questions. This whole thing was his brainchild. I always knew I wanted to do something big with my life, better mine and Mum’s situation. I just never knew what that was until I found parkour. Then I met Trev and he never shut up about his idea for a reality show. It captured my imagination and his dream became my dream. We spent years working towards
this moment right here, but the precipice of success we were currently standing on didn’t taste as sweet as I anticipated.

  I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if Leanne would just give me the time of day.

  “This sounds like a pretty risky concept. Were there any accidents on set?” a journalist asked and I swear every single one of us froze. Barry wanted to use the footage of that day on the docks to add drama to the show. We all said fuck that and threatened to stage a walkout. In the end, they relented and agreed to cut the entire day of filming from the final edit.

  “We’ve been practicing for years,” Trev replied. “Sure, there are accidents from time to time, but so far we’ve been lucky.”

  I shot him a grateful look and he gave a small nod. It was nice to know he had our backs. When I looked at Leanne, she seemed to have retreated in on herself. I reached out to squeeze her hand, but she pulled it from my grasp.

  “Please don’t touch me,” she said, her voice quiet but firm, cutting me to the quick.

  When the conference ended, Leanne stood immediately and hurried from the room. I ran after her and she was already at the end of the long corridor by the time I caught up.

  “Leanne, wait. Can we please just talk for a minute?”

  She stopped but didn’t turn around to face me, her shoulders slumped. “I already told you I can’t be with you anymore, Cal. Just accept it.”

  Oh, hell no.

  I stepped in front of her, glaring down. “Running away is for cowards.”

  She exhaled tiredly, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Didn’t she realise that all I wanted was to relieve some of the load? When her blue eyes met mine, she looked infinitely sad, infinitely broken. I wanted to pull her into my arms and sweep her away from all the pain.

  “Come here,” I whispered, arms open.

  For a second, I thought she would, but then her expression flattened. “I meant it when I said I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.”

  With that, she turned and walked away. She might as well have had my heart right under her shoes.

  For the next few weeks, every time I saw her, she gave me the silent treatment. It was maddening, but I accepted it. I respected that she needed space and kept my distance. I knew she only did it because she was hurting, but did hurting me back make her feel better somehow? I didn’t get it. And I was a fireball of rage, just barely holding it together. Anytime anyone said something even remotely annoying I was biting their head off. I was irritable, snappish, and grouchy. All because Leanne was freezing me out.

  Tonight was the launch party for the show and I honestly would rather be anywhere else. Normally, I loved parties, but if I had to see Leanne and pretend like we never happened, I was liable to finally lose my shit. For real this time.

  The party was being held in a swanky venue in Soho and lots of important TV people were there. I wore a suit (at Mum’s behest) and determined to be on my best behaviour. Only problem was, there was free flowing booze and I’d partaken in a little too much. When I spotted Leanne, Paul was by her side as per fucking usual. Seriously, if the bloke wasn’t my friend, I’d have punched his lights out by now.

  A tall brunette walked by, looking me up and down. I could tell she was interested, but my libido was flatlining these days. I was too depressed to get hard, and that was a serious travesty. Not to mention embarrassing.

  Leanne wore a sleeveless, backless black top, exposing her smooth, flawless skin. Was she trying to torture me? She and Paul stood with our agent, Tanya, while I knocked back a shot of whiskey and summoned up the courage to approach them.

  “Hey! You lot enjoying yourselves?” I said, my voice too loud, too boisterous.

  “Hi, Callum,” Tanya greeted. “We’re having a good time. And you?”

  From Leanne’s expression, she knew I was already steaming drunk and well on my way to blackout levels. Her pink lips flattened to a thin line as she folded her arms and gave a faint shake of her head like I was some kind of scumbag.

  That sent me over the edge and I couldn’t contain the poison that spewed from my lips. “Try smiling, babe. You’ll give yourself wrinkles if you keep scowling like that all the time.”

  “Cal, don’t start,” Paul interjected, and I turned to face him.

  “Who asked you?”

  Now Paul was giving me the scumbag headshake too. He draped his arm around Leanne’s shoulders and led her away. “Oh, so you’re both too good for me, huh? Whatever. Like I give a shit.”

  “Callum,” Tanya spoke quietly. “Maybe you should go grab a glass of water. Try sobering up a little.”

  I scoffed, arched a derisive eyebrow and scanned the room for the brunette who’d given me a come-hither look. If Leanne didn’t want me, then I’d show her that someone else did.

  It didn’t take too long to find her, and she was all too willing to keep me company. I threw my arm around her waist and we talked about some bullshit, how she’d love to go out sometime, etc, etc. When I spotted Leanne watching me, I didn’t waste any time pulling the brunette in for a quick, sloppy kiss. I broke away only to see Leanne storming out of the party.

  A sobering moment pimp slapped me right across the face. I’d really gone and screwed up now.

  “Hey, come back,” the brunette called, but I was already on the move, chasing after Leanne. I found her outside trying to flag down a taxi. It was a busy time of night, though, and nobody was stopping for her.

  “I’m sorry,” I said and her shoulders stiffened. Quick as a flash she turned around and came at me, pushing me in the chest.

  “You’re a dickhead.”

  I caught her wrists. Leanne was small, but she hit hard. “You’ve been freezing me out for weeks and it’s driving me crazy.”

  Tears started to run down her cheeks and my chest deflated. “I’m here, don’t cry.” I tried pulling her into my arms, but she pushed me off.

  “No! Don’t you dare!”

  Now I got angry. “You said we were over. So why do you care if I kiss someone else?”

  “I don’t care. Kiss whoever you want.”

  “You’re a terrible liar.”

  “I’m not lying.” Her face reddened, her features drawn in rage, and somehow I knew the next blow was going to hurt. “You know what, Cal? What happened is probably for the best. If we had a kid together, you’d just end up stepping out on it the same as your dad did.”

  The punch hit home. K-fucking-O. I swallowed down my fury like bile in my throat. “That was a low blow.”

  Instantly, she looked remorseful, but I wouldn’t let her take back what she said. All I wanted was to comfort her, share our pain so that it wasn’t such a heavy burden. But she just wanted to ignore it and pretend we never existed.

  Now she reached out, her hand at my elbow. “Cal, I—"

  This time I was the one to pull away. “Don’t bother. Message received. You don’t want me. You don’t need to worry about me bothering you anymore. We can work together for the sake of the show, but that’s it. I’m done trying.”

  I turned and walked back into the party, leaving Leanne standing alone on the busy city street. Inside I was met with Paul’s disapproving frown.

  “Whatever lecture you plan to give me, don’t bother. You win. I’m done,” I said, shoving past him.

  He caught up to me and got in my face. “Why can’t you just give her space? You’re both hurting right now and you need to sort through what you’re feeling. Leanne will find her way back to you eventually.”

  “Oh yeah, and how long’s that going to take?”

  “As long as she needs.” A pause as he eyed me meaningfully. “As long as you both need.” Well, he was wrong on that front. I didn’t need any time without Leanne. The last few weeks had already been long enough, thank you very much.

  Still, his pleading, sad eyes knocked my temper down a notch. I dragged a hand through my hair and swore loudly. “Fuuuck! I’ve screwed everything up.”

  There was a flicke
r of sympathy on his face. “No, you haven’t. If you can just figure out a way to be the bigger person, she’ll come back to you.”

  I stared at him, hopeless. “What if I can’t do that? What if it isn’t in me?”

  Paul settled a hand on my shoulder. “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”

  I blew out a breath. That was some profound shit. “Where do you come up with this stuff?”

  Paul gave a small smile. “Don’t credit me. It’s a Nietzsche quote. Sometimes life is rough, but if you keep your focus on the end goal, you’ll make it through.”

  “So you’re saying I need to wait things out?”

  “Yes. Leanne has feelings, big feelings. I can tell. But she’s grieving right now. She’s not herself.”

  What he said made me feel a little less angry about her saying I’d end up the same as my old man. I was no delicate flower, but that comment hurt.

  “Come on. Let’s go back inside and do the rounds. Those bigwig TV people aren’t going to flatter themselves.”

  I took one last look outside, but Leanne was gone. Following Paul inside, I determined to stay the course. Before all this happened, I’d been falling for her, and I suspected she’d been falling for me too.

  Leanne had my heart and I wouldn’t let her sabotage us. She could throw everything at me she had in her arsenal. I wasn’t giving up on her.

  I wasn’t giving up on us.

  Fifteen

  Leanne

  Present

  I woke to a steady knock on my door. “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine,” Neil called cheerfully.

  I groaned and looked at the clock next to my bed. I’d officially gotten less than three hours sleep and every muscle in my body screamed. After we got back to the house last night, I’d tossed and turned, unable to nod off. My conversation with Cal had been too raw, my mind on alert, running through all the ways I wished we’d both kept our mouths shut.