Off the Air

by L.H. Cosway

  One minute everything was normal and the next, chaos. A man threw a punch at another, and then the entire group started in on each other. Before I could react, Cal grabbed my hand and started dragging me away from the crowd.

  Other people had the same idea, and we got caught up in a horde. I looked around for the others, but I couldn’t see anyone. After a few minutes, the group dispersed in different directions, and Cal and I were alone.

  I realised I was still holding his hand and let go immediately. “What the hell was that?” I asked, breathless.

  “I have no idea. Looked like two blokes were fighting over a girl, and then a bunch of other people got involved.”

  “Fuck, it escalated quick. We need to find the others.”

  “I’ll call James,” Cal said, pulling out his phone.

  We kept walking. This place was gigantic, and we were never going to find our way out on our own. I pulled my phone out to call for a taxi. It seemed like the best option. When I looked at my screen, I already had a text from Isaac.

  Isaac: Are you okay? I’m with Jimbo and Autumn. We’re going to hang out at my uncle’s house for a bit.

  Leanne: I’m with Cal. We’re okay. Gonna get a taxi back to the house.

  Isaac: Good. I’m sorry about the fight. That doesn’t usually happen. Have you heard from James or Michaela?

  Leanne: No, Cal’s calling James now. Will keep you updated. What happened back there?

  Isaac: A girl cheated on her boyfriend, and the boyfriend confronted the guy she cheated with. Usual stupid drama. Text me as soon as you hear from the others.

  Leanne: Will do.

  After ordering a taxi, I put my phone back in my pocket. Cal was still trying to get through to James with no success. I tried Michaela’s phone but got no answer either.

  “Hopefully they’re together,” I said, chewing worriedly on my lip.

  “I’m sure they are,” Cal reassured.

  A minute later the taxi pulled up, and we climbed into the back. It was full dark out now, and other than the radio playing low, Cal and I were quiet on the drive. A thick atmosphere pervaded the space, just like it always did when we were alone. I really needed a drink. When I saw a bar up ahead, I leaned toward the driver.

  “Could you stop here?” I asked.

  “What are you doing?” Cal frowned.

  “I’m getting out here for a little bit. You can head back to the house though.”

  He looked out the window and saw we’d stopped at a bar. “You think I’m letting you go in there alone? Do I need to remind you what happened the last time you went drinking in this city on your own?”

  “I’ll be fine.” I climbed out of the taxi.

  “I’m coming with you.” Cal handed the driver some money. The guy looked a little disgruntled that we’d decided not to go all the way to the house, which would’ve been a much larger fare.

  I ignored Cal as I went inside, headed straight to the bar and asked for a gin and tonic.

  “Make that two,” Cal said over my shoulder.

  The bar wasn’t too crowded, with just a few patrons sitting at tables or playing pool in the back. The woman behind the counter placed two gin and tonics in front of us. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but Cal was faster.

  Fine. If he wanted to bother me with his presence, then the least he could do was buy my drink. I was distracted when my phone buzzed with a text from Michaela and I sighed in relief.

  Michaela: Hey! The signal on my phone is patchy out here. I’m with James. We’re safe.

  I held the screen up for Cal to see and texted Isaac to let him know they were okay. Then I texted Michaela the name of the bar, inviting her and James to come join us, mainly because I could do with some buffers.

  “My dad’s been trying to get in touch,” Cal confessed as I slid my phone back in my pocket. His expression showed a rare flash of vulnerability, which made me automatically lower my defences.

  I knew a little about Cal’s dad, how he left him and his mum to fend for themselves when he was barely two years old. Cal always swore he’d never turn out like him, so I guessed he wasn’t someone he wanted in his life now that he was grown. It reminded me of something cruel I’d said to him a long time ago, and my stomach twisted.

  “When’s the last time you spoke to him?”

  “Not for years. Ever since I’ve been on TV, he’s tried calling at least once a year. A sniff of money in the air and all the rats come out of the woodwork.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Cal lifted a shoulder and took a sip of his drink. “Don’t be. It’s not difficult to ignore a call. I just wish he’d get the message and fuck off.”

  I drew in a breath for courage. “No, I mean, I’m sorry for something I said to you once. About your dad. I don’t think I ever apologised.”

  Cal’s expression was questioning. My voice was tiny. “After the…the miscarriage, I told you you’d probably just end up like your dad and abandon us anyway.”

  The muscles in his face moved in a way that showed I’d touched a nerve. Man, I was an idiot for bringing this up. Old wounds should be left in the past where they belonged.

  “I won’t lie,” Cal spoke finally. “It fucking hurt when you said that, but you were grieving.”

  “I was awful to you back then.”

  “Yeah well, I forgave you, didn’t I?”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have.” I remembered how he’d visited me every day at the hospital, and when I was finally able to go home, I broke up with him. It was a callous, selfish thing to do, but I’d been in a very dark head space at the time.

  Cal stared at his glass, then lifted his gaze to me, his expression troubled, “When it comes to you, Leanne, there’s not much I wouldn’t forgive.”

  Emotion caught in my throat. “That’s seriously fucked up.”

  Cal didn’t respond, just continued staring at me, his eyes beautiful and sad. I had to change the subject, otherwise, I was liable to drown in past regrets. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to your dad?”

  Just like that, his features hardened and he sat up straighter. “Hundred percent. I made it this far without him. And I definitely don’t need him now that my life’s finally on the up-and-up.”

  I turned my attention to my drink, downing it in just a few gulps. I gestured to the bartender for another. It had been a long day and one of the main reasons I needed a drink was sitting right next to me.

  We sat in silence for a while. Every time I ordered a drink, Cal did too. He was breaking his two-drink rule, but I didn’t call him out on it. I had a feeling the last few weeks had been just as rough for him as they’d been for me.

  “Can I ask you something?” Cal said, breaking the silence. His tone got my back up because I sensed whatever he wanted to ask would require more than a simple yes or no answer.

  “Seems you have me cornered here, so go ahead,” I replied.

  “You’re not cornered. You could sit here and not talk to me if you wanted.”

  “Just ask your question, Cal.”

  There was a beat of quiet and then, “When we were together the first time, why didn’t you ever want anyone to know?”

  I caught the eye of the woman behind the bar. “Can we have a round of shots? Tequila if you have it.”

  She nodded and went about lining up the glasses before pouring out the liquor.

  “Leanne, what are you—”

  I held up a finger, silencing Cal, and he watched as I knocked back both shots, his expression tense. “Okay,” I began, exhaling heavily. “Now I’m tipsy enough to answer that question. So, let’s cast our minds back a couple of years. I’m twenty-one, a nobody, and I get a part in a reality TV show that has the potential to change my life. But I’m silly enough to start sleeping with one of my co-stars before the show even goes to air. I’m the only girl in a cast and crew that’s mostly men. If we were completely open about our relationship, what would people think?”

  Cal opened his m
outh, but I cut him off again. “I’ll tell you what they’d think. They’d think I’d only gotten the job because I was sleeping with one of the guys.”

  “But us being together had nothing to do with you getting the part,” Cal argued, his intense eyes searing me.

  “That doesn’t matter. It’s what people think that matters, and people would think I’d slept my way in. I wanted to be judged based on my skill as a freerunner. I didn’t want people gossiping about my sex life.”

  Ironically though, my effort to keep us secret had all been for nothing. We couldn’t hide the truth from the cameras, and those pesky lenses picked up on what was between us right from the beginning. By the time we started filming Season 2, everyone knew about mine and Cal’s personal relationship.

  “You have no idea, have you?” he said, still looking at me way too closely.

  I glanced at him. “No idea of what?”

  “That when you’re on-screen, nobody can doubt your talent. The reason you’re on the show shines through, no matter what gossips want to think. When they watch you, it’s undeniable. I knew it from the moment you auditioned for us.”

  This softer side to Cal, the one who was free and easy with his compliments, really was making it harder and harder to resist him. If Paul or Trev could see us now, sitting at a bar getting drunk and talking about our past, they’d probably smack us both across the face for being so stupid. Technically, we were risking our jobs every time we were alone together.

  I schooled my expression and tried to kill the intimate vibes. “Stop trying to butter me up. It won’t work.”

  “I’m just telling you the truth, Leanne.”

  There he went again with the longing gaze. Resist, resist, resist!

  “Yeah well, you should just go back to toying with me. It’s what I’m used to. This nice version of you is weird.”

  “I was never as bad as you like to imagine. I only acted the way I did because you kept pushing me away.”

  “That doesn’t mean you weren’t pretty fucking cruel sometimes,” I countered.

  “Okay, give me an example.” He wasn’t backing down. Good. Arguing would definitely kill any intimacy between us.

  I twisted in my stool to face him. “All right then. How about that night, a few weeks after we…” my voice cracked for a second before I forced myself to continue, “…after we lost the baby. We had to attend the launch party for the show, and you kissed that girl. That was definitely cruel given the timing.”

  Cal dragged a hand through his hair. “The only reason I kissed her was because you’d been pushing me away for weeks. You hurt me, so I hurt you back. I never even slept with her. I was using her to get back at you.”

  My stomach clenched as I remembered just how much he’d hurt me, but he was right, I had pushed him away. “Isn’t tit for tat a little immature?”

  “Not as immature as ignoring a shared traumatic experience and pretending it never happened,” Cal countered.

  His bullet hit home and emotion clogged in my throat. Arguing with him had definitely backfired because now I was genuinely upset. He had no idea how depressed I was back then, how my guilt ate at me worse each day. It had taken months to feel even a tiny bit like myself again.

  I stood from my stool, turned around to leave, took a few steps, changed my mind, then walked back. “I was dying inside and you know it.” I hated how my voice held all my pain right there on the surface.

  Cal reached out to grab my wrist, his touch gentle. “We both were.”

  I glared at him. “At least I didn’t resort to using other guys to make you jealous.”

  “You do now.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “You’re deluded.”

  “So, the way you’re nice to every bloke you meet and cold with me, that doesn’t count?”

  I gaped at him. “I’m sorry if I’m nice to people who are nice to me.”

  Cal eyed me pointedly. “It’s not about you being nice to people who are nice to you. It’s about you purposely being cold with me to keep me at a constant distance.”

  Refusing to continue this discussion any longer, I turned to the bar and ordered another shot of tequila.

  “Gin and tequila? Are you trying to make yourself sick?” Cal grunted, his voice tight.

  “What I’m doing is none of your business.”

  He swore under his breath and nodded to the bartender. “Double that order.”

  The bartender didn’t argue, but she did eye us warily. I knew what she was thinking: I hope these two nutjobs don’t cause a scene. Well, any more of a scene than what we were causing already.

  Cal picked up a shot glass at the same time I did. I glared at him when I knocked it back. He returned my glare with one of his own. He really was going to drive me crazy tonight, taking everything I gave and giving it right back to me. There would always be a part of me that admired his stubbornness, no matter how much it irritated me because I was stubborn too.

  In fact, I’m not sure there ever existed two more aggravating humans. Perhaps we deserved each other.

  Cal polished off his shot then strode across the bar to the jukebox. It was a relief to have a moment alone. But then, when I heard “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore come through the speakers, I knew he’d decided to play dirty. This was our song. It made me think of the short periods of time when we’d been happy. Well, the periods where I’d deluded myself into believing we were. Maybe I just didn’t have that gene, the one that let you hold onto something good. Instead I was gifted with the gene for destruction.

  Cal returned to his stool. I didn’t comment on the song because I knew he wanted me to.

  “So, if I’m such an awful person for you to be with, tell me what sort of man you’re looking for?” he said.

  I blinked at him. “Who said I’m looking?”

  He arched an eyebrow. “We’re all looking, even when we say we aren’t.”

  I fingered the rim of my almost empty gin glass, feeling drunk enough to speak openly. “Just someone who’s kind, and who takes my feelings into consideration. Someone who makes me laugh and supports me.”

  Cal nodded, eyes on the shelves of booze behind the bar. He didn’t look at me and I couldn’t help asking, “How about you?”

  He glanced at me, shook his head and stared at the shelves again. “Nah, you don’t want to know.”

  “Try me.”

  He swivelled on his stool to face me, piercing me with his stare. We were so close his thighs were on either side of mine, almost touching. “You.”

  I scoffed. “Okay.”

  “I’m not lying.”

  “I thought you liked tall, beautiful blondes who play tennis,” I shot back cuttingly. I knew it was petty to bring up Mia Popov, but Cal was wearing me down and this was one of the last weapons left in my arsenal.

  Cal’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you still think I was with her? Didn’t you hear the story about her claiming she had a one-night stand with a footballer? His wife almost divorced him until she found out he and Mia weren’t even in the same country on the night it was supposed to have happened. The woman is a pathological liar.”

  I frowned, my chest deflating. “No, I never heard that.” Cal had always been adamant there was nothing between him and Mia, but I’d jumped to conclusions, let my paranoia get the best of me. I’d believed rumours over what he claimed was the truth. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “You can look up the story for yourself,” he said gently. “It happened about a month ago.”

  My gaze flashed to his. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You’d already hung, drawn, and quartered me, Leanne. What’s the point in coming back to you almost a year later for a re-trial?”

  I turned away, a million self-recriminations building up inside me. Was I actually the bad person in our relationship? I always thought we fell apart because Cal was so immature, preferring to fight than talk things through. But maybe he wasn’t the problem at all.

&
nbsp; Maybe it was me.

  Cal’s voice drew me from my thoughts. “Just to make things clear, my perfect woman is short, cranky, and sexy as fuck.”

  My pulse pounded, cheeks heating at the compliment and the gravelly way he spoke. My plan to argue with him had completely backfired. Cal was far too much of a worthy opponent.

  “And where is your perfect man? Does he exist?” Cal went on, leaning in close. I got a whiff of his cologne, intoxicating as ever.

  “I don’t know yet.” Try as I might, I couldn’t look away. His eyes held mine captive.

  Cal plucked an ice cube from his glass, lifted my arm and ran the ice from the inside of my wrist, all the way up to the crease of my elbow. I shivered and he spoke low, “You think you want some nice guy, but when it comes down to it, the man you want in the day isn’t the same man you want at night. You can’t have it both ways.”

  “Are you saying the man I want in the streets isn’t the same man I want in the sheets?” I said, making a joke to lighten the mood.

  Cal’s lips twitched and I could tell he was trying not to smile. A second passed, our eyes still held, “You’ve never had better than me. Say it.”

  “In bed? Yes. When it comes to my mental health, that’s a whole other story.”

  Immediately, he withdrew, and I suspected I’d pissed him off again. He ran a hand down his face as he let out a tired laugh. “You have no idea.”

  “No idea of what?”

  His look was fiery intensity. “You have no idea that nobody’s ever cared about you like I do.”

  My entire body stilled. Was it just me or had the bar gotten significantly hotter? “You’re just saying that because you’re trying to win our bet,” I refuted.

  “Is that what you think tonight has been about? Fuck the bet. I only came up with it in the first place because…” He stopped himself, like he hadn’t meant to say that.

  My chest thrummed. “You only came up with it because of what?”

  “Never mind. You wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

  “Try me.”

  Cal stared at me for so long, so many emotions flashing behind his eyes that I was afraid of what his answer might be. “We Don’t Talk Anymore” by Charlie Puth came on and I wondered if he’d chosen this one specifically for the lyrics. Ironically, we’d done a whole lot of talking tonight.