Sacred Skin

by Terra Sinclair

  “You never told me you could cook,” I said, taking a bite of the risotto before we’d even made it to the table. “Oh damn, that’s good.” It was creamy and comforting with a burst of mushroom flavor exploding in my mouth.

  “I know how to make a few things. One of the few benefits of growing up broke,” Leo laughed. That was the first I’d heard of that. I knew it had just been his mom and him but I didn’t know they’d struggled financially as well.

  Sensing that wasn’t a topic Leo wanted to talk about, I decided to finally ask him what I’d been thinking about all evening. “So, I know we’ve only been seeing each other a little while,” I started. It was eight weeks exactly since I’d met Leo which might not have been that long in the grand scheme of life. It was certainly long enough for me to know that I didn’t want to lose him though. “I was wondering though… What are we? Boyfriends?”

  Leo stopped eating for a moment, stirring his fork through his food like he was suddenly put off it. “Is that what you want?” Leo asked. “To be my boyfriend?” He looked at me with so much doubt, I wondered what I’d done. Had I just ruined everything with my stupid prying?

  “Well, yeah. If I’m being really honest, I do. I’m so happy with you,” I told him, trying to find that middle ground between casual and obsessed. “I never thought I’d have a boyfriend but I’m hoping you’ll be my first.”

  Suddenly, Leo broke down, a sob escaping his mouth. I stood up from my chair and walked over to him, crouching beside his chair. “Hey, what’s wrong? We don’t have to be boyfriends. Forget I said anything.” This was definitely not the response I was hoping for.

  “Sorry,” Leo said, sobbing. I put my arm around him in attempt to comfort him.

  “Don’t be sorry, baby,” I told him.

  “Stop. Stop being so nice. I don’t deserve it.” Leo looked away, wiping the tears from his face.

  I knew Leo had things going on. I knew he might have struggled with feelings of worth given what he’d done to himself. This still caught me off guard. How could this perfect, beautiful, kind man not think he deserved love?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. “Leo, talk to me. Please.”

  “You’re just… saying all these things, all the time. Making me feel all these things. I can’t, Brooks. I can’t let myself fall for you,” this time he turned to me and I could see so much pain in his eyes. What the hell had happened to him?

  “Why not?” I asked, trying to tease him a little but even I knew this wasn’t the right time for humor.

  “Because I’m so damn scared of getting hurt again,” Leo said it like it was all he’d ever known.

  “I’d never hurt you on purpose,” I told him. “It’s the last thing I’d ever want, Leo. I want to be with you so I can make you as happy as you make me. That’s it. There’s no ulterior motive here.” I hoped he believed me. Hoped that he would trust that I wasn’t like whoever the other people were that had left him hurt and afraid. I took him in my arms, squeezing him tight. “We don’t have to rush anything. We can take things at your pace, Leo. I just want to be near you. Often. But if you need more time to figure me out, I get that.”

  Leo sniffed. “I sound like an idiot, don’t I? I know I’m pathetic.”

  “You’re anything but either of those things,” I reassured him. I wanted to ask what had happened to him but I was starting to become dredged in fear myself. I didn’t know what I’d do if I lost Leo now. He had helped me realize so much about myself. He’d unknowingly shown me that love wasn’t just this made up thing. I knew that because I thought I might have loved Leo. That I fell for him the moment he walked into my shop. “You know you can talk to me, right? About anything. I’d never judge you.”

  I didn’t know what Leo could say to me to stop me from feeling the things I felt. I didn’t think there was anything. I was already too far gone. “I think… I think I know that,” Leo said. “It’s just… so hard. I’ve trusted people before and it hasn’t worked out. I want to, though. I want to trust you, Brooks. I like you so much. You have to believe that.”

  “If you feel half as much as I feel for you then I know you do,” I told him, picking up his hands and kissing them. “I’m not going to go anywhere, okay? Not unless you want me too.”

  “Do you promise?” Leo asked. In that moment, he looked so innocent and it broke my heart right in two.

  “I promise, Leo. I promise I’ll never hurt you,” I said.

  “You can’t promise that,” he said.

  I grabbed his face with both my hands and forced him to look at me. “I just did. Leo, I promise. I promise I won’t ever fucking hurt you like they did.”

  I didn’t know who they were, just that I would do everything I could to prove to him that I was nothing like them. I would never stop fighting for Leo.

  “Okay,” Leo finally said, tears welling in his eyes again. I swiped them away with my thumbs.

  “Okay?” I asked.

  “Okay, Brooks. I’ll be your boyfriend,” he said.

  I stole his mouth with a bruising kiss. “Thank you, baby. You’ve just made me the happiest man alive.”

  19 Leo

  Brooks was my boyfriend now. I had to keep pinching myself to make sure this was all real. Boyfriends. As in we were actually a couple. Brooks and I were boyfriends. I was sure everyone was sick of me saying it, especially Aria who had outright told me to shut up about it more than once. It was just that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the whole thing. My whole life had been a cycle of being chewed up and spat out and for the first time in my life, it felt like maybe things really were going to be different.

  I arrived at nearest subway station to Sacred Skin and walked the short distance to the shop. It had almost become part of my daily routine. If Brooks wasn’t stopping by Inspire after work, then I was coming to visit him. We ate dinner together most nights and I slept in his bed as much as was convenient given my place and work was on the other side of town. We’d fallen into a familiar routine like a normal couple did and it was everything. Just knowing Brooks was there when I needed to talk or when I didn’t want to be alone. Sure, I’d always had Aria or even Evania if I needed to talk but the level of intimacy between Brooks and I was so much more.

  When I got to the shop, Brooks was outside, talking to a burly biker dude. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him, and when I saw them exchange an envelope, my heart stopped. There was definitely something going on between Brooks and the man. When Brooks saw me approach, it was almost as though he hurried the man away. I walked up to Brooks, who usually took me in his arms, but this time he quickly ushered me into the shop. What was that about? I waved to Marlena who appeared to be doing some admin work at her desk. I felt strange. Brooks had told me I could trust him and I didn’t want to let him down by going against what we had. I never wanted to be afraid of this man.

  “Who was that guy?” I asked once we were inside the shop. “What did he want?”

  “He’s just a customer,” Brooks assured me. I looked at Marlena who was clearly eavesdropping on our conversation. She looked away when she caught my eyes, but something on her face made me question everything. I didn’t want to pry. Brooks had given me his word and I needed to at least attempt to believe he wasn’t a liar like the rest of the men in my life had been. “Come to the back, I have something I want to show you.”

  I did as Brooks said, following him to the break room. As soon as we got inside, Brooks pulled me close and kissed me. I nuzzled into his neck, grateful to be back with him. Still, there was this nagging feeling I couldn’t shake. Despite Brooks being out to Marlena and Frankie, it was still a little awkward showing a public display of affection. I’d been an out man since I was a teen and I still got uncomfortable sometimes so I didn’t blame him. People were cruel and the looks from strangers as they watched two same-sex couples hold hands in public was an instant mood killer for anyone. I didn’t hold anything against Brooks, in fact I liked the secretive affecti
on we shared. No one would have known he was so soft behind closed doors. That he liked to cuddle and give sweet kisses. Or stroke my hair until I fell asleep like I was precious to him.

  “What is it you wanted to show me?” I asked.

  Brooks pulled a sheet off a flat canvas on the table, revealing a painting that was obviously one of his. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I could have sworn the painting was of me.

  “What do you think?” Brooks asked.

  I looked at the canvas, inspecting the detail in the oil paint strokes. “Is it… me?” I asked shyly.

  Brooks laughed. “I’m glad you think so. I couldn’t think of anything to paint so Marlena suggested I choose a subject that was something I really liked. It was an easy choice from there.”

  “The details incredible,” I told him, looking at the strokes of yellows and gold in my hair. The whole canvas glowed in shades of blue and gold, like the brightest summer day.

  “I was thinking about what we talked about, about doing some pieces for the gallery,” Brooks said.

  “Oh yeah, Evania is going to love this!” I said, sure she would want to display it proudly in the main gallery at Inspire. Brooks looked so pleased with himself and my heart swelled knowing he was so happy. That crazy as it was, I had something to do with that. “I forgot to tell you but Creed’s having a party this Saturday. Do you wanna go with me?” I asked.

  “Creed knows about us?” Brooks asked, raising an eyebrow. Aria had already told Brooks how Creed was going to be heartbroken over him being with me and he found the whole thing amusing. I had declared that I couldn’t deal with Creed finding out but he unexpectedly heard me talking about Brooks with some other friends. He didn’t seem as cut up as he’d initially made out he would be.

  “Yeah, he heard us talking about you so the truth came out,” I laughed. “He’s fine. I mean, be prepared for some possible groping but other than that, he’ll be cool.”

  Brooks snorted. “Unfortunately, I already have plans this weekend. I’m going to visit my brother.”

  Brooks hadn’t mentioned it before and we talked every day so hearing he already had plans for Saturday, when I’d assumed we’d be spending it together, came as a surprise. I took a deep breath, knowing it wasn’t a big deal but as usual it felt like one to me. All my irrational fears were surfacing. We were boyfriends now. Boyfriends made their plans together or at least let the other one know in advance. Or so I thought. It’s not a big deal, Leo. Get it together.

  “Oh, another time then.” I said. “My friends would love to meet you again and hang out. They won’t shut up about you.”

  “So would I,” Brooks said, rubbing my arm. “You’re not mad are you? My brother… He’s going through a really tough time and as much as I would love to spend this weekend hanging out with you and your friends, I feel like I’ve got to be there for him.”

  “Not at all,” I said, quickly. I wanted Brooks at the party but if he had family matters to attend to, I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. Besides, I found it sweet that Brooks cared so much about people. It was one of things that made me want to be with him. It was just another reason I knew I should let myself trust him.

  “Good. Thank you. My family haven’t always been easy but they’re important to me,” Brooks told me. “I want to tell them about you, Leo. About us.”

  As always, he was there at my side, his large body so close to mine. So strong and protective. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Brooks was ready to share with his family our relationship. He was moving at an impressive pace for someone who’d been in the closet only a couple of months ago.

  “I’ll support you whatever you do. I hope you know that,” I assured him.

  “I know. Thank you,” Brooks held me close to him. “I’ll never get over how lucky I am to have you.”

  I smiled at him and Brooks mouth came close to mine, placing an intimate kiss on my lips. We held that moment for a while and I wished that it was possible to make time stand still for a moment.

  “Now, I better get to my last client. You need anything?” he asked me.

  I shook my head, and took my laptop out of my bag. I was going to do a couple of hours work in the break room while Brooks finished work for the night. We had dinner plans together. I was working on setting up my photography blog and I found it easy to get work done when Brooks was nearby.

  “Good luck,” I told him, sharing a final kiss before Brooks went back to the studio.

  20 Brooks

  On the two-hour drive to the county jail, I was left with plenty of time to think. I wasn’t sure exactly what part of my brother being in prison made me scared to tell Leo. I’d felt compelled to lie about the whole thing with Pyro, especially after we’d had our big talk. Leo needed to be able to trust me, I knew that, but could he trust a man whose brother had done work for the Outlaw Angels. Who had debt collectors showing up at his work just to make sure his brother survived his time inside? Maybe I’d lied to Leo about all that but I did it to protect him. I couldn’t risk him getting caught up in my mess. Even if the whole thing felt wrong, I had to do what I knew was best for both of us. Losing Leo was something I didn’t want to even think about right now. Not when things were finally right where I wanted them to be.

  I arrived at the corrections center and did the usual routine of signing in and being patted down before I was escorted to the visitation room. It wasn’t long before Jay was brought over to me. As soon as I saw him, I noticed a black eye.

  “What happened?” I asked, feeling a slight nagging of rage. This is what I was paying all that money for. So I knew Jay was safe inside.

  “Nothing man,” Jay said, rolling his eyes.

  “It doesn’t look like nothing,” I said. “What the hell happened?”

  Jay sighed. “Bro, trust me, this is nothing. You should see the other guy,” he tried to make some humor, but I wasn’t having any of it. Jay might have been an adult at twenty-four but I still saw him as my baby bro and the protectiveness of being his older brother was still there.

  “Quit playing around, Jay. I paid Pyro on time so why the fuck do you look like you’ve been in a fist fight?”

  “Don’t worry, bro. Just got into a scrap with my new roomie. No one could have protected me anyway, it was at lock up. Outlaws got him back the next day,” Jay said, shrugging. “They are protecting me. That guy knows not to mess with me anymore.”

  It was my turn to sigh. I hated that physical violence was just an everyday thing in there. I hated that I had to worry about Jay being safe from even the person he was sharing a room with.

  “Alright,” I said, dropping it. I knew that Jay would only get pissed if I kept pressing him. This was our time to talk about the outside, not remind him of how shit of a situation he was currently in.

  “So what’s new bro? You still seeing that chick?” Jay asked, grinning at me. It was nice to see him smile.

  “Actually, I have to talk to you about that,” I said, taking a deep breath. “There’s something you don’t know about me and I have to get it off my chest. I’ve been lying to you about something…”

  Jay looked at me, his grey eyes focused intently on what I was about to say. “What is it man?” Jay asked.

  Shit. I was faltering, unable to find my words. Would this ever get any easier. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m just trying to find the right words. This isn’t easy for me to do.”

  Jay looked around to see if anyone could be listening in. The other inmates were busy talking to their own families. “I think I already know,” Jay said.

  My eye widened as a reflex. “I’m not sure…” Could Jay know? How? I’d never done anything to suggest my attraction to men before. Not that I’d known of anyway.

  “Is this about… you not liking women?” Jay asked, looking like he was trying to get the words right. I was glad he didn’t outright drop the g-bomb but I was taken back that Jay had even a remote idea.

  “How did you know
?” I asked, trying to think back to any specific instance that I’d let myself be known.

  “You’re my brother. I notice these things,” Jay smiled. “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me since we were teens, dude.”

  I was complete gob-smacked. Jay had picked up on a part of me that I hadn’t even been sure about myself and he’d known since we were fucking kids. “Well, now you know for sure,” I shrugged. “What does it mean for us?” There was still that part of me that feared the worst. That things would change.

  “Fuck do I care,” Jay laughed. “I just want you to be happy man. So, what? You got a… boyfriend?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I thought about Leo. It was still hard to wrap my head around the fact I was in a relationship with another man. That I was in a relationship at all really. Being with him felt unreal. It was honestly the first time in my life that I felt like I belonged. If Leo was by my side, I was going to be okay. I never knew that before him, I wasn’t. “His names Leo. He’s amazing.”

  “Tell me about him,” Jay said. “I’m so happy for you.”

  “He’s kind. You’d like him. He’s the kind of person others want to be around,” I said. “He’s a photographer actually. That’s part of how we got together. He took some portraits of me for a project. First, we met at the shop though when he came in for a tattoo.”

  “That’s awesome,” Jay said. He seemed genuinely happy for me which filled me with so much relief. “So, this is the first time you’ve been with a guy? I always knew you were holding something back. That must have been hard. I wish you’d felt like you could have told me before. You’ll always be my brother, Brooks. No matter what.”

  I didn’t want to cry. Not there. Not in front of him. I took a deep breath. Knowing I had so much support through this made me realize just how much of myself had been hidden and how much that had affected me. I wouldn’t say I was unhappy in the past but I could never be truly happy either. It was only now that for the first time in my life, I felt free.