Sacred Skin

by Terra Sinclair

  “Thanks,” I said. “And yeah. He’s the first and… hopefully the last. I think he’s the one, man.” I hadn’t expected to say it out loud but it felt so right to. I couldn’t tell Leo. Not yet. He still had a lot of healing to do and I didn’t want to rush him. The truth was, I was in love with him. Head over fucking heels. He was it for me. “I’m thinking of taking him over to Mom and Kevin’s for lunch. How do you think that’ll go down?”

  “Ha,” Jay laughed softly. “I was meaning to tell you. Mom dropped by to see me.”

  “What?” I asked. She had been in denial about Jay being incarcerated that she hadn’t even wanted to talk about him since it happened. Now, she was apparently okay with it enough that she was visiting him here.

  “Apparently her therapist said she needed to come here and face me. Things were a little tense at first but in the end, I think it was good for both of us.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” I said. “She never mentioned it to me.”

  “It was only a couple of days ago,” Jay shrugged. “Anyway, I think you should definitely take Leo to meet them. Mom will just be happy that one of us actually has the capability of a relationship. I think she thinks we’re all fucked up because we come from a broken home.” Jay laughed. “I mean, I don’t know anyone whose folks are still together these days.”

  It was true. Our mother had been raised with a strong sense of family values. She hadn’t wanted to end things with dad but she also couldn’t continue a relationship with someone who’d lied to her for twenty years. In a way, I felt kind of bad for her. I hoped she was going to be able to accept Leo into the family. I knew it would be important for Leo as well. He didn’t have family, and I hoped that mine could work as some sort of surrogate to him.

  We said our good-byes and instead of heading home, I decided to drop by my parents’ house. I had one last person to come out to and then, I was truly free. I could finally live my life and love whoever I wanted.

  21 Leo

  Brooks and I walked up the brick path between two perfectly manicured lawns with rose bushes on either side. I was surprised to find that Brooks grew up in the nicest part of town, in a house I’d only ever dreamed on being able to live in. We were visiting his parents for lunch, something that was a big deal to Brooks. I didn’t even want to let him know how big of a deal it was to me. I’d never in my life met a boyfriend’s parents. Not that I had much boyfriend experience but this was just not the kind of relationship I’d been in before. I was used to feeling like a dirty little secret. Not the kind of guy that people wanted to bring home to their family’s nice home in a nice part of town and have a civilized meeting over lunch.

  “You ready?” Brooks asked, looking as nervous as I felt as we stood outside the front door.

  “Yeah,” I said, smiling at him. I was putting on a front. I wanted to be strong for the both of us. Coming out to everyone in your life and introducing your very twink-ish boyfriend to your parents all in the space of a few weeks wasn’t an easy feat.

  Brooks rang the doorbell and we waited patiently for someone to open. A moment later, a tall, slender woman with a bob of blond hair opened the door. She looked as manicured as her beautiful front garden. The woman was obviously Brooks’ mother. She had the same radiant silver eyes, and similar strong features.

  “Hello, welcome,” she said, ignoring Brooks and straight away wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so happy to meet you, Leo. I’m Eleanor. Please, come in.”

  I felt smothered instantly, the smell of Chanel No.5 filling my nose and she pulled me in to a surprisingly strong hug. “Thank you so much for having us,” I told her, trying to use my best manners as I remembered the kind of things people said in these situations. “You have a beautiful home.”

  They really did. It was all white and wood, a large bouquet of beautiful flowers sitting in the entrance way. It made sense, given that Eleanor was a florist. Brooks had told me his mother was kind, loving and also tremendously proper. Looking between Brooks in her, there was such a stark contrast. She had on the kind of clothes people wore to the country clubs, a string of pearls around her neck and an ensemble of pastel blues and pinks. Brooks was in his usual all black get up, his tattoos peeking out on every bit of exposed skin. She held Brooks’ hand as she led us through to the dining room, clearly doting on her son.

  “Kevin,” she called out. “The boys are here.” Brooks looked back at me with a knowing smile as his mother referred to us as boys. I instantly felt warm and welcomed in their family home. “Take a seat at the table,” Elanour insisted. “Can I get you a drink?”

  She walked over to a bar cart at the side of the room. The bottom was filled with various bottles of spirits and wines. “Anything’s fine for me,” I said. I didn’t have a particular favorite liquor since I wasn’t a huge drinker.

  “I’ll take a beer,” Brooks said.

  “I’m having a vodka tonic,” she said. “Does that suit you too, Leo?”

  “Sure,” I nodded. I liked her already. She was a very classy woman but she had this hint of sass to her.

  Eleanor made our drinks and we sat at the table sipping away as Brooks recapped our drive across town. It all felt very formal. I couldn’t remember any time in my life where my mother had sat and ate at a dining table. I didn’t think we ever even had one at any of our homes while I was growing up. It was TV dinners or take out on the floor, straight from the carton. They were some of my fondest memories, though.

  A few minutes later, an energetic middle-aged man joined us. He was shorter than Elanor, with a full head of curly dark hair and a crooked nose.

  “Hello!” the man announced as he walked into the room. “Sorry, I want out in the garage.”

  “Kevin’s into classic cars,” Brooks said. “He’s fixing up an old Thunderbird.”

  “Wow, really? I’d like to see,” I said. I knew nothing about cars but even I happened to know what a Thunderbird was.

  “I’ll show you after we eat,” Kevin said. “You must be Leo.” He wiped his hand on his trousers and held it out to me.

  “Kevin! Go and wash your hands,” Eleanor said. “I’m sorry, Leo. He’s so into those damn cars that he sometimes forgets his manners.”

  I laughed. “It’s fine,” I said, not finding it a big deal at all. Brooks gave me an apologetic look. I found the dynamic between the three of them interesting. They were all so different but I could feel the love and respect that radiated between them. I wondered how Brooks’ brother fitted in with them.

  “Brooks, did Jay tell you I visited him?” She said, looking over at her son.

  Brooks had become relaxed over the last few minutes but I suddenly sensed tension again. “He did,” Brooks said. “I went to see him just the other day. He was really happy you decided to finally go and see him.”

  I sat there, quietly listening. I didn’t know what they were talking about so there wasn’t room for me to join in the conversation. All I knew is that Brooks had gone to see his brother on the weekend and that he was going through a hard time. I didn’t pry too much, figuring if Brooks wanted to talk about it, he would.

  “Visiting your son in prison is hardly something a mother ever wants to do,” Eleanor said. “He did look alright though. He told me how he’s hoping to get back with Marlena once he’s released.”

  Prison? Brooks brother was in prison. How come he’d never told me that before? Brooks looked uncomfortable, shuffling in his seat. “Can we talk about this some other time, mom,” Brooks insisted.

  “Ha. You’re always trying to get me to talk about Jay, but when I do, you want me to be quiet,” Eleanor said, looking slightly annoyed as she took a sip of her vodka tonic.

  “I thought you only had one brother,” I said, looking at Brooks. “One who lived out of town and worked on a farm.”

  Brooks face dropped. I’d caught him in a lie. I knew I had. Maybe it wasn’t the worst kind of lie but why did it hurt so much still?

  “Yes. It’s just the
two of them,” Mom confirmed. “Brooks and Jay. My beautiful boys.”

  “Leo, I’ll explain later,” Brooks said, reaching his hand over to rest on mine. He gave it a squeeze but I was so used to retreating that my involuntary response was to pull away. Thankfully, no one noticed. Brooks just went on acting like everything was fine.

  Kevin walked into the room, carrying a large plate with a roast chicken surrounded by vegetables. He placed it in the center of the table. Like everything in their home, the food was beautifully presented.

  “This looks delicious, Eleanor,” I said, wanting to change the subject. I might have suddenly been annoyed at Brooks but I wasn’t going to show Eleanor and Kevin that there was any tension there. This day was important to Brooks, and it was important to me too. Plus, Brooks said he’d explain later. For now, I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  Brooks carved up the roast chicken and I made small talk with Kevin about the gallery. I tried to act cherry and normal, but my heart suddenly wasn’t as in the situation as before. My anxieties were rearing their ugly head. My irrational fears. I had been doing so well lately, too. I thought I might have finally buried those feeling of doubt and despair.

  We ate our meal and I answered every single question Eleanor and Kevin threw at me, hoping I did alright. Brooks looked over at me every now and again to check how I was coping which I appreciated. He talked me up an awful lot too. Talking about my photography and my work at the gallery.

  After lunch, Eleanor gave me a tour of their home and Brooks showed me his childhood bedroom. Eleanor left us to make coffee and once we were left alone, Brooks was putting his hands all over me. I wasn’t in the mood though, still confused by why he’d lied to me about his brother. Brooks finally caught on when he asked me what was wrong. I felt like I was ruining everything. Like I should have never came to his house to meet his parents. Like maybe I should have never agreed to be his boyfriend. It wasn’t just me who ran the risk of getting hurt there. It was obvious that Brooks had already invested so much in me. I was bound to disappoint.

  “Why’d you lie to me about your brother?” I asked him.

  Brooks sighed, taking a seat on the single bed that had Batman sheets. “Why do you think? It’s not exactly something to be proud of. I love my bro but he’s been in trouble all his life. I didn’t want to lay all that on you when we were just starting to get to know each other.”

  I understood where he was coming from but there were other things that didn’t add up. “You said you wouldn’t lie to me, Brooks. But you did. How do I know you aren’t lying about other stuff?” I knew I was being dramatic. Brooks had been nothing but sweet and caring. He’d always gone above and beyond to make sure I was comfortable and taken care of. I was angry about something so small and yet I felt so justified to. I didn’t want any excuses for why he lied. I just wanted it to never happen.

  “Believe me, Leo, I’m not. Would I have taken you here if I wasn’t serious about you?” Brooks let out a long breath. “Fuck, Leo. I care about you so much. I was an idiot for not telling you the truth about my bro. I guess I was just terrified that it would scare you off.”

  I went and sat beside him on the bed. I wanted to forgive and forget. I knew I needed to do that. To any outsider looking in, they’d think I was the biggest idiot in the world for getting so worked up over nothing.

  “What happened to your brother?” I asked. I wanted to know why he felt he couldn’t tell me the truth.

  “He’s always been kind of mixed up, I guess,” Brooks said. “Our parents split when he was pretty young. My dad wasn’t the greatest guy. He worked as a money launderer for a motorcycle gang. We didn’t know that at the time, of course. He lied to all of us and it was pretty devastating when we found out what he’d been up to.” Brooks looked at me and I put my hand on his leg to comfort him. I had no idea that he’d gone through any of this. “Mom filed for divorce and dad just disappeared. We didn’t really hear from him after he left. Jay took it hard. He got mixed up with the wrong kids at school. He was always getting into fights. Always getting himself into trouble. Mom and I hoped he’d grow out of it but after high school, things only escalated. Our dad came back to town. I didn’t want anything to do with the guy. I was still full of resentment that he’d walked out and never bothered to call, Jay was ecstatic.”

  Things were starting to make sense now. His dad had a criminal side and his brother took after that. “So what happened?” I asked.

  “He introduced Jay to some of the people he worked with. Jay wanted to be closer to our dad or get his approval or whatever so he started doing stupid shit. It started with carjacking and he ended up doing time for that. Mom was heartbroken. Dad disappeared again. When he got out the first time, he tried to make a clean run but he found it hard to get a job with his record. The plan now is when he gets out, he’s gonna come work in the shop with me. He wants to try things again with Marlena, they used to be together. I’m not so sure if that’ll work out though. It would be hard on all of us if he gave up again,” Brooks said. He sounded sad. Like he’d lost someone close to him. His brother sounded like he was lucky to have him.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know.”

  “I know. Now you do, though,” Brooks shrugged. “There’s still a lot we need to find out about each other, Leo. I promise I’ll be honest with you now.”

  I nodded. “I want that. There’s stuff I want to tell you too. I just… I need more time. Opening up isn’t easy for me,” I told him, truthfully. I wanted to tell Brooks everything so he could understand why I was the way I was.

  “Come ‘ere,” Brooks said, wrapping his big arms around my body and pulling me into him. “Mom’s probably wondering where we are.”

  Shit. I had forgotten we’d left Eleanor and Kevin waiting. “They probably just think we’re up here boning,” I teased.

  “I wish,” Brooks said, giving me a seductive look. He stood up, though. “But yeah… Let’s not let them think that.” He laughed and pulled me up off the bed.

  Everything was going to be okay. I repeated it like a mantra in my head, hoping it was true. But if it was, why did it feel like everything was suddenly so fractured.

  22 Brooks

  Leo said he had to work early, so we spent the night apart after lunch with my mom and Kevin. It might have been true that he needed to work early, but there was something that didn’t feel quite right when we left each other. I thought after our talk in my old bedroom, Leo had come to understand why I hadn’t been completely honest about my brother, but then we’d spent the car ride back home in silence. I felt like he was punishing me and I didn’t know what I could do to fix things, so I let him go.

  I was cranky from the moment I woke up. I’d slept terribly, worrying about Leo and when my morning client pulled a no-show on me, I sat at the coffee shop down the street from Sacred Skin and tried to work on some designs. Attempted to, at least. My head was all over the place. After I finally got over my nerves, I decided to make a call to Leo and see if he wanted to meet for lunch. I didn’t want to go the rest of the day feeling like things weren’t right between us. Leo told me he’d meet me at Sacred Skin and I waited patiently, counting the hours and hoping that when we finally got together, things would be back to how they were before the incident at my parents house. It was becoming clear as day to me that my relationship with Leo was more important than anything else. It was grounding me. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I had my shit together. Even if it wasn’t entirely true. I couldn’t bare to lose him now. I couldn’t bare to even think about life before Leo Cooper came into it.

  When I got back to work, I sat in the break room waiting for lunch time to roll around. Marlena came in to make coffee and instantly sensed something was up but I didn’t feel like talking about it. When the bell on the door to Sacred Skin chimed, I stood up, rushing to greet Leo but when I arrived at the shop entrance the last person I wanted to see was there instead. Pyro
. What the fuck was he doing here?

  “I wasn’t expecting you today,” I said, curtly. I couldn’t even be bothered to play nice and hide the annoyance in my voice. I just wasn’t in the mood for any more games. I’d paid Pyro early last time he asked. I’d never been late before or missed a payment. I just wanted to be left alone.

  “I’m here to collect. Didn’t you talk to your brother?” Pyro said. He looked particularly thuggish today.

  “What are you talking about?” I turned back to see Marlena was back at her desk and watching us. Normally, she wouldn’t stick around if Pyro or one of the other guys came by but today she was holding her own. Glaring at the bald-headed man in motorcycle leathers like he was a despicable creature. I didn’t want her to hear any of this but I knew I couldn’t keep protecting her from the truth. She knew why Pyro was here and she still cared deeply about Jay even if she refused to talk about it.

  “He got into a fight with his cellmate. Our guys sorted him out. He won’t be bothering Jay again. Now we’re here to collect payment,” Pyro said, like I was supposed to know these things. Apparently all the money I was giving the Outlaws every month was only the start of what they expected.

  “I pay you to look out for him. Your guys didn’t do a very good job when I came to visit him and his face was busted up. Since when did I have to pay extra for them actually doing shit?” That was not the agreement we’d gone into when Jay had told me about the pay off. I gave them the money each month and they made sure my brother was safe. That was it.

  “One of my guys got put in the SHU because your brother didn’t want to play nice with his new cellmate,” Pyro said. “That ain’t free.”

  I’d had enough of it all but I couldn’t turn on Jay right now. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, my only option to pay up.