Searching for Someday

by Jennifer Probst

  "No, silly girl, about you. I dreamt you denied the touch with Slade and your entire life was ruined. One bad choice and you never recovered. What happened after I left?"

  Unease shot through her. Great, she'd be the cat lady and she'd always been more of a dog person. Kate sighed. "I don't want you to worry. Slade isn't meant for me. Simply put, he doesn't believe in love, marriage, or forever. He believes in oxytocin."

  Her mother shook her slightly with impatience. "I don't care what he says he believes. I want to know about you and your actions. Have you told him you love him? That you want to fight for him? That you believe enough for the both of you?"

  Panic flared. She broke the grip and stepped back, needing the distance. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not. Women don't do those things today. Besides, I'm sure it's for the best."

  Her heart shattered and screamed her a liar. Her body ached and punished her. And her mother let out a shriek of frustration Kate had never heard before. Madeline was a river, she flowed and melted, becoming one with every challenge in life and rarely fought against the tide. The woman before her quaked, her aura vibrating so wildly Kate would've shoved a joint in her hands if she had one. "Mom, what's wrong?"

  "What's happened to you?" Madeline whispered. "When did you stop believing in yourself? In your gift? In what you deserve?"

  Emotion choked her. She couldn't handle this; it was too close to home. "I tried. He knows I care about him, and he's been honest about what he can and can't handle. He thinks I've screwed up his sister and that I'm a liar. And as for my gift? I didn't want to tell you, but it's gone. And I don't think it's coming back. I need you to drop this."

  "No. You're going to listen to me, darling, and don't interrupt. Now, sit." Her mother pointed to the chair. Kate trudged over, sat down, and waited. She'd learned long ago not to argue when her mother wanted to have an open discussion. "It's time to stop running, Kate. You say you lost your gift. When did this happen?"

  "After I discovered Slade and I connected. That was the last time I felt anything. I've been numb, even around couples who are married and have a connection, I get nothing."

  "But you still feel the touch with Slade?"

  She nodded. "I thought I was blocking myself by denying our attraction. So I slept with him. I figured I'd get it back, but that didn't help either. My gift is gone."

  Madeline pursed her lips. "Your gift is being denied, my darling girl. You are the first one in generations to feel this with other people. Most of the women who own the touch can only sense it with her true mate. You have been blessed to spread your knowledge to the world. But when confronted by your own truth, you chose to run and hide. Wrapping it up in sex, having rational conversations about how things can't work between you. You've lost your way."

  Kate rubbed her temples. God, when her mother waxed poetic it got hairy. Like a bad acid trip, she supposed. "I don't get it. I didn't hide. I told Slade I believed in love and wanted forever. He said he can't give that to me. We went our separate ways. Over and out."

  "Did you tell him you're in love with him?"

  Kate froze. "N-n-no. There's no point."

  Her mother squinted with intensity. "No point in confessing the truth to the man you love? Have I raised a coward?"

  Kate flinched. "Why? So he could say thanks very much, but it's not going to work out? So he can take the last shred of my pride and leave me broken and bleeding? No thanks."

  "There is no halfway, no safe place to hide when it comes to love. You are luckier than most to be guided to the man meant for you. By denying the truth, or making light of the connection, you deny the gift, yourself, and are no longer worthy of it."

  The words hit her hard, like brutal jabs in the ring, and Kate felt something inside begin to break. Hadn't she been clear enough about how she felt? Hadn't she fought enough? Or was her mother right? She'd rationalized and pushed him away and only allowed him into her bed, not her heart. She'd never stood her ground and challenged his ridiculous beliefs.

  "I don't know what to do, Mom," she choked out. "He can break my heart and I'm scared."

  "How does he make you feel?"

  She dragged in a breath. "Like my better self. He lights up my body, and satisfies my soul. He makes me laugh. He loves Robert and wants to take care of him. He's everything I've ever wanted and I've never been so terrified."

  Madeline moved over, took her hand, and squeezed it tight. "You must be fierce and admit to love, my dear girl. It is the only way to win. And if you do lose, well, at least you lose fairly, with your head high and with no regrets. How could you possibly feel shame for leading with your heart? It is simply the bravest thing anyone can do in this world. It is what you based your business on, and your livelihood."

  The truth took root, shook her to the core, and grew. In that moment, she realized every step in her journey had been halfhearted. But no longer. She was worthy of more.

  Kate reached up and hugged her mother tight. "I love you, Mom. Thank you."

  "Welcome. Now go get your man."

  "WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM."

  Slade studied his boss, who perched behind the sprawling teak desk with a look of concern on his face. Shit. First, his personal life, now his career. Was he upset he'd left early those few days? No, Bob usually let his employees run their own schedules, confident they'd get the job done. Had he realized his relationship with Kate was a big fat lie? Had Melody gotten nailed for the speeding ticket? Slade adjusted his cuffs. "What is it, Bob?" he asked calmly.

  His boss pointed toward his computer. "Billing hours came in for approval. Yours doesn't add up. Want to tell me what's going on?"

  Relief loosened his chest. That he could handle. "I had a client who wants to pay on the back end once I win the case. Forgot to tell you. I'll send you the details as soon as I get back in my office."

  Bob shook his head. "Can't do it. I told the associates you bill up front now. Too many pro bono and cases lost in the firm."

  Annoyance surged through him. "Have I ever cost you money on a case? I need some leeway on this one. Guy's wife froze the accounts and he's in a hell of a fix. Needs custody rights. I'll win."

  "I don't doubt it. But no more bleeding hearts. His story is no different than a million others coming through those doors. Look, I understand you want to do good by him, but he's got to pay the bill. If I didn't want to make money, I'd be working for the district attorney's office or be a not-for-profit lawyer."

  Slade swallowed his frustration and tried to look at the big picture. But God, he was so tired of it. He wanted to do one thing for a person who needed it, and his hands were always tied. "Fine. I'll pay for this one out of my salary. Dock my pay."

  Bob lifted a brow. "A bit extreme for someone you don't know. What's going on with you lately? I'm deciding on partner soon, and I need a closer. This is a brutal business--eats you up and spits you out. If you can't handle it, I think Samuel may have the edge."

  His boss's gaze was razor sharp and Slade knew it was a test. Did he have what it took? The goal of partnership had been his sole focus for the last five years, but suddenly his future flashed before him and it was all more of the same. More work, more stress, and less satisfaction. The challenge was on the table for him to pick up. Cut the client loose and gain Bob's respect. He sensed he had an edge over Samuel. One tiny agreement and it was all over.

  "I lied, Bob."

  His boss stared at him hard. "About?"

  "Kate. We never had a relationship. I hired her from a matchmaking agency to pose as my girlfriend because I knew you favored executives who are settled. She's not an accountant, her father's no court judge, and she owns a company called Kinnections."

  Bob frowned and shook his head. "Wasn't that the name of her accounting firm?"

  "No, she's the owner of a matchmaking agency. I set the whole thing up because I wanted to beat Samuel. I've wanted that damn partnership for years, and I wasn't about to let not having a relationship stop me from getting it."


  Silence fell. A lightness filled his chest, and he waited for the fallout. Would Bob fire him? Maybe. Throw him out as a contender? Probably. At least he didn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't.

  Bob threw back his head and laughed. "I've seen creative moves before to climb to the top, but this is a first. We had no idea. In fact, my wife was so crazy about Kate, we were going to invite her to dinner this week. You got us good. And though I'm pissed you lied, I have to give you credit for ambition. That's the type of man we want, Slade. You saw the problem, thought of a solution, and went for it. Too bad, though. Melody's gonna get nailed for that ticket."

  Slade managed to catch his surprised gasp and turn it into a badass grin. "I'm glad you're not upset. And I'm sorry if I put you in an awkward position."

  Bob cut his hand through the air. "Nothing I can't handle. Appreciate you coming clean before I made my decision."

  "I'm not giving up this case, Bob. It won't affect my caseload or billing hours, but I want it."

  His boss let out a breath. "Fine, take it. You've always been a stubborn son a bitch. Just make sure you win."

  "I will. Thanks." He got up and headed toward the door when he heard his name. "Yeah?"

  Bob's eyes twinkled. "Let's just say I think you'll be happy with my final decision on partnership by the end of the week."

  The meaning was clear. As Slade left the office, his head spun. Damn. He'd snagged the position. But as he strode down the hallway, a giant emptiness pulsed in his gut, a need for a woman he'd pushed away, and a question if he'd ever feel satisfied again.

  KATE WAITED ON HIS front steps. She glanced at her watch again and hoped he wasn't working too late. She'd already been sitting for an hour, and with every minute that ticked by, she'd been tempted to dump the plan and hurry back home. Nothing like a big love confession to freak a woman out.

  "Kate?"

  She turned her head to the right and her heart leaped. He was so beautiful. His towering length and lean muscles filled out the navy blue Prada suit, his snowy white shirt and red tie cutting a sharp image. He'd probably gone to court. Lines bracketed his mouth and his eyes, hinting at his fatigue. The gold-rimmed glasses gave him the scholarly look that only made him sexier. She stood up and drank him in with her gaze, her body already alight with the need to touch him, push back his hair, caress his hard cheek. She swallowed. "I need to talk to you."

  He nodded. "Come inside."

  They climbed the steps and entered his apartment. The silence of the empty rooms pulsed with a hunger for noise and laughter and mess. Why hadn't she seen this before? The way he controlled his life and kept people at a safe distance so he'd never be tempted to fail? Just like her.

  "Can I get you something to drink? Eat?"

  "No."

  "Do you want to sit down? I'm sorry I'm late, I had a court date."

  "I love you."

  He stiffened. Ah, crap, leave it to her to blurt something out with no finesse. She completely sucked at good love confessions so she'd better backtrack. Was that horror, shock, or pleasure on his face? He looked as if he'd gotten hit over the head with a brick.

  His voice broke. "Kate, I--"

  "No, please listen to me first." She wiped her palms on her jeans and closed the distance between them. His delicious scent swamped her senses, spice and a hint of citrus. She curled her hands into tight fists to keep from reaching out. "I accused you of being a coward, but I'm the one who's been holding back. From the moment we touched, I sensed you were the man for me. But it's so much more than physical. I hid behind your conceptions of relationships and your refusal to believe we could work long-term. But I believe enough for both of us, Slade."

  She surrendered to impulse and touched him. Her fingers closed over his shoulders. The heat pulsed and danced between them, confirming her heart's choice. "I want you to give us a chance. I've seen the man you are. How you protect and take care of your sister. Your gentleness with Robert. How you fight for your clients and try to make them hurt a little less. And the way you look at me when we make love." She stood on tiptoes and cupped his cheeks, staring into his beloved face. His green eyes swirled with desire, confusion, fear. "I love every damn part of you, your body and heart and soul. I love your mind and your stubbornness and your humor. Give us a chance to be more. Give me a chance to love you in the way you deserve."

  She didn't hesitate, just pulled his head down to hers and kissed him with all her pent-up longing and emotion. He groaned and opened his lips, his tongue sweeping inside and drinking deeply. He kissed her for a long time, conquering every part of her mouth until there was nothing left to give. When he ripped his mouth from hers, a mad light gleamed in his eyes.

  A joyous laugh broke from her chest. She had won. He was hers.

  Kate reached up for more, but he staggered back. Stark regret carved out the lines of his face, even as she noted his full erection and the hot need in his gaze. "I can't, Kate. Dear God, I can't do this to you, won't hurt you and break your heart. I love you too, I do, but I can't follow this road. Eventually, we'll hurt each other, and I'd rather die."

  Red-hot anger misted her vision. She trembled with a rage of emotion. "You'll deny both of us our happiness for a future we know nothing about? What about the relationships that do work? Don't you want to take the chance on us? The chance to be a family and wake up in each other's arms every morning? Or are you afraid to settle with me in case there's a better option later?"

  He snapped his jaw closed. "Don't. That has nothing to do with it. I'm crazy about you. Since the moment we met I've been trying to catch up and I've never felt like this before."

  "Then why are you doing this?"

  "Because you want everything!"

  She sucked in her breath. He jerked back, pushing his hand through his hair. The silence squeezed with merciless tension, and Kate finally realized she had come here to win, but he had already made his choice. Raw pain rose from her gut and choked, but she managed to wrestle out her last words.

  "You're right. I do want everything. I'm sorry that's too much to ask, but I believe we're both worth it. I'm sorry you don't."

  "Kate."

  Her name was a good-bye, a plea, a prayer. Her eyes were bone dry as she stared at him. "Good-bye, Slade."

  This time he didn't stop her. She walked out of his apartment for the last time and knew he had chosen.

  fifteen

  YOU OKAY?"

  Kate forced a smile and looked up as Kennedy strolled into her office. "Sure. Is Jane coming in today?"

  "Should be here in a minute. She's ready to go back out there, so I wanted to sit down with her for a one-on-one. Too bad Brian ended up being a jerk."

  "Yeah, occupational hazard, I guess. Still, I'm proud of her. She seems much stronger in who she is and didn't let this affect her inner core."

  "I had good teachers."

  Kate laughed as Jane appeared behind Ken and gave her a hug. Jane had definitely blossomed. She accepted the breakup and her emotions, and healed. Now she was excited about the possibility of a new journey, and this time Ken would probably screen even more carefully.

  "How are you, Kate?" Jane asked.

  "Fine."

  The two women shared a look. Kate fought a sigh. She'd been asked that question every day for the past two weeks and her answer never changed. Still, her friends knew it was a big, fat lie. Since that day she lost Slade, she walked around empty, caught between massive pain and a strange numbness. She buried herself in work, stayed home with Robert, and tried to believe it would get better. Someday.

  Jane had become a close friend of the group and now joined them for Friday nights at Mugs. Kate was glad she never mentioned her brother or asked any questions. "Anyone want to catch a drink after work today?" Jane asked. "I finished my research paper and would love to celebrate."

  Ken gave a whoop. "You go, girl. Of course we'll go. But first come into my chamber so we can go over a few things. I think I have a great guy fo
r you to meet."

  Their heels clicked down the hallway, and Kate stared at the stack of folders on her desk. Funny, the last few months her client list had almost doubled. The expo probably helped, and everyone had adjusted well to double their efforts now that she had lost her gift. Not that she tried it out anymore; most of her time was spent with Robert and the television.

  She wondered if Slade missed her. Wondered if he got the partnership. Wondered if he ever thought of calling her or had already moved on.

  The bell tinkled and there was a knock on her door. She smiled as Tim peeked in. "Hey, Kate, do you have a minute for me?"

  "Of course." She waved him in. "How did Friday night's date go?"

  Tim sat in the chair and shrugged. He was one of her favorite clients and really wished she'd be able to match him correctly. Slightly overweight, he had gorgeous golden eyes and thick brown hair, and his wicked sense of humor always made her laugh. He wasn't flashy, or broody, or a bad boy. He was just literally nice, with a great personality. Time to work harder.

  "She was sweet, but I don't think we were a good fit. She's a gym rat, and though we had a great conversation, I kind of caught her looking at the hot waiter."

  Kate shook her head, remembering her own date from hell that she'd hooked up with the busboy. "Sometimes this sucks, huh? But don't quit on me, Tim. I think I have a better idea of who to match you with."

  "I'm no quitter. Hey, at least I get to date a bunch of cool women and eat out. My television remote was getting too much of a workout before I came to Kinnections."

  Point taken.

  The door flung open. "Kate, I'm headed out. I'll see you at Mugs--oh, I'm sorry to interrupt." Jane smiled at Tim. "Hi, Tim, good to see you again."

  Tim grinned. "You too. Getting hooked up again?"

  Jane laughed. "I guess we're two peas in a pod, huh?"

  Kate rose from the chair and her friend walked into the room. "Did Ken take care of you?"

  "Yep. We may try a mixer. I may be ready."

  "Sounds good."

  Tim stood and paused in front of her. "I'm sorry the last guy didn't work out for you," he said. He stared at her hard, a smile curving his lips. "He must've been stupid."

  "Aww, thanks. Same with you, not sure why you'd be in here again."