Shameless

by Storm, Zee Shine

  "How was your day, honey?" he asked me.

  “Hopeless," I answered, grabbing some tissues to blot out the stains.

  Cole sat up at once. "Why, what happened?" Taking the tissues from me, he began to clean up the mess himself. "Kids giving you trouble?"

  I sat on the edge of the bed. "Not kids. Kid. You'd think being the eldest, he would have more sense. You wouldn't believe the way he spoke to me today, Cole."

  Coming closer to me, Cole knelt behind me and rubbed my shoulders. "He's just upset."

  "So? Being upset doesn't mean he gets to disrespect me like that. If Jasper was here-"

  "If Jasper was here, we wouldn't be having this conversation," Cole said gently. "The only reason Jacob's acting this way is because Jasper isn't here."

  I rubbed my temples then as Cole added, "I'll talk to him tomorrow. Okay?"

  Letting out a sigh, I nodded and Cole moved away after giving me a kiss on the cheek. When I turned back, he was retrieving his laptop from the bedside table and powering it up.

  "I hate this time difference thing," he said almost to himself. "I haven't spoken to him all week. Either he's busy or sleeping or I am."

  I rolled my eyes and went into the bathroom to throw the tissues in the trash.

  Jasper and I had had a huge argument before he left for Australia a week ago. He had wanted to take Jacob with him and I had put my foot down because my son needed to be in school. I couldn't just allow him to take off halfway across the world for three whole months. Jasper could be so unreasonable sometimes. I'd won the argument because Cole had placated Jasper enough to make him let go of the crazy idea.

  But of course, I was the bad guy now. The no-fun mom. I understood that Australia would have been an exciting experience but there would be time for that in the future. Jacob was only seventeen. And Jasper could be so lenient with him at times, exposing him to things I didn't want my teenage son to be exposed to. Three months in Australia under Jasper's guardianship...I hated to imagine the outcome. My son, who never missed a single day of soccer training, had been willing to hold off playing for an entire season just to be with his dad but because I'd refused to let it happen, both father and son were mad at me now.

  The surprising thing was that Jasper and I hadn't seriously argued in years. Things had been quite good, in fact. He was still pretty fickle with his ways but we somehow made it work because most of the time, my darling husband, the peace-maker, stepped in and saved the day.

  But this time, I didn't want to make peace with that asshole. He had no idea of the damage his impulsive decisions had caused because he was away and I was the one left to deal with Jacob's resentment. Because his father had thought it would be a good idea to promise his son that trip without even consulting me first.

  From the bathroom, I could hear Cole speaking to him via Skype call.

  "I miss you too, baby," he was saying. "That bed looks way too cosy." He let out a laugh when Jasper said something naughty.

  I banged the bathroom door shut and decided to take a shower. My relationship with Jasper was like an antagonistic mismatch but we managed to get along most of the time. However, that was partially due to my romanticism and his long absences from home. The moment those big, hard decisions of life came up, we began to clash and required a mediator.

  Cole and Jasper though, they were like well-oiled parts of a machine. No friction whatsoever. And I'd give my husband credit for that. He knew how to make the best out of a bad situation. He could handle his boyfriend just fine.

  They were still talking when I emerged from the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and towelled myself dry while examining my body critically. It was not at all the same as it had been twenty years ago. I didn't look old expect for a few wrinkles that popped up every now and then and some extra flesh around my waist but I did feel old.

  Keeping three teenage kids in line will do that to you. Sometimes when I heard myself scolding them, I inwardly cringed at how uncool I sounded. As if that was all my life and personality was about. Being a mom. I loved them but it was also really frustrating.

  By the time I finished brushing my hair and putting on my sleep shorts and camisole, Cole was done with the call and was relaxing against the pillows with his phone. I climbed into bed and snuggled with him, putting my head on his chest.

  "Go shower," I said to him as I watched him scroll through his phone.

  "Mm. In a minute," he replied absently.

  He was going through Jasper's Instagram profile and looking at the videos and pictures he had posted today.

  "Aww. Did you see this? That looks so amazing," Cole breathed out. "He went there yesterday."

  Jasper was frolicking in the ocean near the Gold Coast with dolphins, wearing a diving suit. He had matured so well. One of those men who only seemed to get sexier with age in a totally dignified sort of way. I wondered who else he was frolicking with in Australia along with those dolphins when he wasn't busy with his photography.

  I mean, three whole months. I wasn't going to fool myself into believing he was going to remain celibate the entire time. Not that it mattered anymore. Cole didn't care and I wasn't in any kind of serious relationship with Jasper. All these years and we still hadn't given what we had a label. Neither of us brought it up. We hooked up occasionally and spent time together but kept it all casual because I still didn't want Jacob to get the wrong idea. As far as my son was aware, his father and I were not intimately involved and that was for the best.

  I'd never been able to rebuild my faith in Jasper. Didn't think I'd ever be able to.

  "I envy him his freedom sometimes," I grumbled. "He does whatever he wants, goes wherever he wants and doesn't give a damn about consequences. Also, the only person he feels responsible for is Jacob. Doesn't he realise that I need to look after all three of my kids the same way? Why does he have to make it so hard for me?"

  Cole hugged me tight with one arm while still looking at the pictures. "Come on, Skye. Don't be mad at him," he said softly. "I mean, look at him, he's so happy. He was asking about you."

  With an exhale, I disentangled myself from Cole's embrace. "I envy you too. Your mantra is life is so simple. 'If Jasper's happy then I'm happy'. You'd let him get away with murder."

  Cole was regarding me with a speculative expression. "What's with the snarkiness?" he asked me. "And all this envy bullshit. We're perfect just the way we are. As soon as I'm done with my latest project, we can all go to Australia."

  My husband and I exchanged a long look and slowly, I brought up my hand to caress his jaw. "You still think I'm sexy right?"

  My question caught him off-guard. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and let out a laugh. "Whoa. What's going on with you, Skye? You never talk like this. Don't tell me you're having some sort of mid-life crisis?" he teased.

  I narrowed my eyes at him because his words sort of stung. "I'm forty-one. That's hardly old," I snapped at him.

  Cole laughed some more and for some reason, I found it irritating. Like he was making fun of me.

  "Baby, I think you're very sexy and so, so beautiful," he finally said, his eyes twinkling at me. "I love you. And honestly, forty is like the new twenty these days. Numbers hardly matter. It's how you feel inside that counts."

  Well, I felt old. And I didn't feel very sexy these days either. But I didn't tell him that. He was a man. I didn't think he would understand a woman's insecurities about ageing.

  "Tell you what?" Cole said smartly. "I'm going to go for my shower and when I get back, I will spend the rest of the night showing you exactly how sexy I think you are." He shot me one of his wicked smiles.

  I couldn't help but smile back at him a little because he was charming when he went into flirt mode.

  "Fine," I said quietly. "Let me just check on the kids. I'll be right back."

  When I went downstairs, I heard sounds coming from the game room so I walked into it without thinking twice about my attire. My two sons weren't there but my daughte
r was. She was giggling and letting out shrieks while playing some video game with Ziad.

  The room was dark except for the light coming from the TV screen and it was just the two of them alone on the couch.

  "Isabelle," I snapped loudly and she twisted around to look at me, pausing in her laughter.

  "Hey, Mom," she said, her eyes shining with delight or excitement, I wasn't sure. "What's up?"

  I folded my arms and looked at them both seriously. "You should be in bed," I said to her. Ziad had paused the game and was now watching me as well.

  Izzy let out a groan. "It's only nine. Are you kidding me?"

  "Go upstairs," I told her firmly and she let out a sigh, said goodnight to Zi and stalked off.

  "You shouldn't encourage her," I addressed Ziad after my daughter had left the room.

  He gave me an apologetic smile. "I'm really sorry," he said, getting up from the couch. "We lost track of time."

  My eyes narrowed as I looked him up and down. Looked at him the way a fourteen year old girl might. He was an attractive boy. I had heard my daughter telling her friends about her brother's hot best friend. But I hadn't thought much about it then. This was actually the first time I had come across them in such a situation.

  "Is something going on with you two?" I asked in a no-nonsense tone.

  Ziad was giving me a confused look. We stared at each other for a while and then his gaze shifted towards the couch and then behind me before coming back to rest on me.

  "She's fourteen years old," he said to me, sounding a little offended. "She's like a sister to me. We were just playing."

  I didn't let up. That's how everything started in the first place. Teenagers and their hormones. You could never trust them.

  "Maybe you don't feel like it's a big deal, Ziad, but Izzy might get the wrong idea," I said staidly. "Try to see it from my point of view. Or hers."

  He appeared disturbed by my words and his brows furrowed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm really sorry if I upset you," he said again and this time, I detected a hint of anger in his tone. Like it pissed him off that I would even suggest he was up to something with my daughter.

  I started to feel bad then. Out of all the kids here, he was the most sensible and well-behaved. He'd always looked out for my children in a big brother kind of way. In fact, I had never heard a single complaint about him from either Armaan, any of the neighbours or his teachers. People sang his praises for being the poster child for goodness.

  "I didn't mean to accuse you of anything," I said in a softer tone. "It just...looks bad."

  He finally let out a breath and nodded. "I understand." He started to walk out then. "You can trust me, you know. I'd never take advantage of Izzy that way."

  Yeah. Me and my trust issues. If only he knew...

  And his voice. He sounded all choked up and hurt. Had I really managed to do that to him by implying he could get inappropriately involved with my daughter?

  "Ziad." I stopped him with a hand on his arm. "I'm her mother, okay, it's my job to protect her. Don't take it personally."

  He looked at me gravely and seemed to be studying my expression before he replied, "They're lucky to have you."

  My response was to laugh. "Really? They don't seem to share your opinion," I said flippantly.

  He smiled sadly. "People just take things for granted. I barely even remember my own mother. I wish..." He paused and took a deep breath. "Anyway, they're just being teenagers. Don't take it personally."

  He was throwing my words back at me and it made me smile in amusement. "You're not much older than them, you know. Maybe try teaching them some things."

  He grinned at me then. "I'm afraid I don't have that kind of power," he answered good-naturedly.

  We didn't move for a few more seconds but it was long enough for me to be aware of how quiet the house suddenly was, how little I was wearing and how close he was standing.

  He was just looking at my face, not checking out my body or anything. I resisted the impulse to roll my eyes. Why would he even want to? I was old. And more to the point, why was I even thinking about that? I was a married woman who had the company of two very attractive men for the rest of her life. They thought I was worth checking out so what did it matter if some hot, young-

  I halted my wayward thoughts before they went any further.

  "Goodnight, Zi," I said to him with a friendly smile. "Get home safe."

  He stepped away from me, his hands still in his pockets and nodded. "Good night, Mrs. Sawyer," he said in a low voice that sounded sleepy. "And I'm very sorry about this. Won't happen again."

  I inclined my head in understanding and watched him walk away and out the front door before locking up and making my way upstairs.

  I was going crazy. Maybe Cole was right. Maybe it was some sort of mid-life crisis. All these inappropriate, unwelcome thoughts that were suddenly forming in my head. It was shocking. Ever since my first pregnancy, I'd always felt a little insecure about my body but never in the sense that I began to wish other men would find me sexy or beautiful. It was always Cole for me. Jasper cared about me but he had wandering eye syndrome when it came to females. Not to mention, wandering dick syndrome.

  But Cole loved me completely. He just wanted us to be happy and I hated letting my issues get in the way of our marital bliss. I mean, the first two years had been hell but after that, we'd had so much success as a couple. He always adored me, sexy or not.

  But I was really in the mood tonight to prove something to myself. It just felt important. Urgent. I needed to feel feminine. Forget mommy mode. I was ready to emerge myself into the role of seductress and temptress.

  Smiling, I opened the door to my bedroom, thinking he must have finished his shower by then. I paused in the doorway.

  He hadn't even gotten out of bed. He'd fallen asleep with his glasses on, still in his work clothes. I didn't have the heart to wake him.

  ~~~

  Zi

  I entered my room that night only to find Jacob sitting on my bed, making out with his girlfriend.

  "Holy f-" I stopped myself from swearing and just waited for him to lift his head from his girlfriend's boobs and look at me. "Seriously?" I threw at him. "You couldn't find someplace else?"

  He didn't appear to be embarrassed by my intrusion. "I can't take her home," he said to me. "You said I can hang out in your room anytime."

  "Not for this," I hissed at him. Was he for real? I was going to sleep there, for God's sake.

  "Sorry, Zi." The girl, Giselle, climbed off his lap and straightened her clothes as though she got caught during such moments all the time.

  I couldn't believe this. So his mother was strict and he couldn't get his own car but that didn't mean he could have sex with girls in my bed.

  "Did anyone see you?" I asked him as Giselle brushed past me and exited the room.

  Jacob shook his head, adjusted his jeans and then followed her out with a disgruntled look on his face. "Cock-blocker," he muttered to me before leaving.

  I closed the door and blew out a long, frustrated breath. When had he even sneaked out of his place, anyway? I had thought he had gone up to his room to crash for the night. If Mrs. Sawyer found out about this particular scenario...

  I didn't want to think about what she would say to me, didn't want to imagine the disappointment in her eyes. There she was expecting me to be a good influence on her kids while I got myself mixed up in awkward situations. This was bad. Very bad. I bit into the sandwich I'd carried with me upstairs, feeling extremely hungry. A minute later, there was a knock on my door and when I answered it, I saw Abbu standing there in the hallway.

  He gave me a brief smile. "I was just heading off to bed. Thought I'd say goodnight."

  I smiled back at him. I had no idea how he always seemed to know when I was in the house or out somewhere else without me even informing him. "Goodnight, Abbu."

  He inclined his head at me. "You doing okay?" he asked me gently.


  I nodded. "Yup. I'm doing great. Thanks for checking."

  He left then. He'd go to Aaliyah's room next. Repeat the same words. They never felt old though. He loved us.

  After finishing my sandwich, I jumped in the shower before getting ready for bed. My head was a little sore from focusing on the game for hours and I just wanted to close my eyes for a minute.

  But when I did close them, I saw her face.

  It made me sit up abruptly. For a moment, I just stared into the darkness, unblinking. Then slowly, I lay down again and played some music on my phone to help me relax a little. It was one of my favourite songs and always helped to calm me down but it didn't help this time. I felt ashamed of my thoughts but in the dark of the night when nobody saw me, I could admit things to myself.

  That I'd liked it when she had stared at me. I'd liked that she hadn't moved away in the kitchen. I'd liked it when she had touched my arm.

  I'd liked seeing the soft look in her eyes when she realised she had hurt my feelings.

  Also, when she had been talking about how inappropriate it was for me to hang out with Izzy at night, I'd felt uncomfortable because Izzy wasn't the one I was having inappropriate thoughts about.

  And when we had stood so close in that semi-dark game room, it had been very hard for me to keep my eyes on just her face. She looked so beautiful, so graceful. I had wanted to run my gaze over every inch of her.

  I hoped she hadn't detected that desire in my voice when I had said goodnight to her. She'd kick me out of her house for good.

  Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea. Considering how shamelessly I was starting to behave with her in my head.

  ****

  Chapter 3

  Zi

  The highly inappropriate thoughts I had started to have about my best friend's mom scared me so much, I didn't go back to their place for a week. Maybe I just needed to get laid. Or at the very least, start dating someone. I mean, girls at my school asked me out all the time; I even made out with a few of them over the years but that kind of attention grew exhausting.