Shameless

by Storm, Zee Shine

  I never felt any kind of connection or spark. They admired me for my looks, brains or talent but none of them ever really cared about me as a person. None of those girls made me want to care about them either.

  The next weekend, Jacob invited me over to their place for his mother's birthday celebration. He said it was nothing big, just a family BBQ thing with a cake and some presents. Abbu and aunt Jasmine were invited too, along with Aaliyah but Abbu was the only person who decided to go. He took me with him. I found it rude to say no to both him and my best friend so I agreed.

  The entire dinner, I stayed as far away from Mrs. Sawyer and Izzy as possible. It was awkward for me after the last conversation I had had in this house and all the feelings that had resulted from it. And it made me feel depressed as the evening progressed because I hated being so rude or making people feel like they weren't important.

  I was in their hallway, studying one of the paintings hanging there when her lemony scent reached me. It made me close my eyes as my whole body started to thrum with anticipation. That feeling of wanting something to happen but knowing that you shouldn't want it crept up on me. It was heady. Addictive.

  "Mrs. Sawyer," I said quietly without turning to face her. I just knew she was there.

  "What is this?" she asked me just as quietly.

  I finally turned to face her. The lighting was dim in the hallway and everyone else was in the kitchen it seemed. She looked amazing in just blue jeans and a tight, black t-shirt. I could see her curves and womanliness in that simple outfit and her hair was down, those long, flowing blond locks...

  I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to kiss her.

  Given the way I was feeling, maybe I would have tried to do exactly that and gotten a slap for it but she was hugging a heavy box against her chest with a questioning expression on her face.

  "I bought you a present," I told her, feeling strangely pleased to see her after so long. To talk to her.

  Mrs. Sawyer frowned at me. "Why? You didn't have to get me anything, Zi."

  I shrugged and then shoved my hands in my pockets. "You and Mr. Sawyer got me a present for my birthday," I said in as normal a voice as possible.

  Her closeness was starting to affect me again. In all the years I had known her, I'd never noticed her this way before. Well, obviously not when I was a kid but even after I entered my teens, I didn't really think of her as someone...sexy. It only started the moment she looked at me in her kitchen. As though she saw me differently all of a sudden. That was what had triggered my own interest and turned it into some sort of forbidden attraction fueled by burning curiosity to know her in ways only her husband was allowed to.

  I'd tried for a whole week and couldn't get her out of my mind.

  "It's not something...inappropriate, is it?" she asked me slowly.

  This time, I frowned at her in confusion. What did she mean by that? Why would I...?

  When I realised exactly what she meant, my mouth fell open a little. She hadn't opened the present in front of the others because she was...afraid? That it might be something that I, as a teenager, was not supposed to give her? My heartbeats started to accelerate then.

  Was it possible that Mrs. Sawyer was aware that I was starting to find her attractive? And that's what had her so worried.

  "It's...not inappropriate," I said in a whisper.

  Mrs. Sawyer just regarded me with wide eyes. And then she put the box down because it was pretty heavy and tore off the wrapping. I'd gone to the hardware store before coming here when Abbu had asked me to accompany him to the dinner invitation. I just thought she could use a nail gun.

  She opened the box and peered into it for a while before glancing up at me. Her lips twitched a little as though she wanted to laugh. I wished she would. God, if I made her laugh even once, I knew it would be a memory I would always hold close to my heart.

  "Do you like it?" I asked her in a low, husky voice. Just for her. It was crazy and hopeless but I really wanted her to find my voice sexy.

  She cleared her throat and got to her feet. "It's very thoughtful of you. Thanks."

  I resisted the impulse to reach out and touch her cheek, to graze it with my fingers but instead, I kept my hands stuffed in my pockets.

  "You know how to use it, right?" I asked her.

  She rolled her eyes at me. "Yes, Zi. I know. We did have one here in the house but I couldn't find it that day so..."

  She trailed off and I smiled at her. "Well, this one's especially for you. Nobody else gets to touch it," I told her. "Don't hurt yourself again."

  Her breasts sort of rose and fell as though she had inhaled deeply. I wanted to know what was going through her mind so bad but I also couldn't stop myself from looking at her chest this time.

  "Happy birthday, Mrs. Sawyer," I said to her after I'd lifted my gaze.

  Her tongue darted out to lick her lips a little. My eyes searched hers but I wasn't that experienced with women. I couldn't read her. Did she feel as achy and as curious as I did in that moment?

  I almost took a step towards her. I wasn't sure what I would have done but I knew I couldn't just stand there and keep suffocating in my feelings this way.

  But she was quicker than me, maybe she saw something in my eyes which made her step back and say, "I should get back. Um...thanks for coming. And for the present."

  She turned around and walked off. I didn't stop watching her until she disappeared inside the kitchen. Then I looked back at the painting even though my mind was no longer on it.

  I wanted her. It was wrong and so shameful but I still wanted it. Just for a moment. Just one touch. Something.

  "Skye," I tasted her name on my tongue and took in a deep breath.

  What would she really do if she came to know the things I was starting to feel for her? Would she look at me with disgust? Or would it be the same way she had looked at me when she'd noticed me staring at her boobs?

  As though she'd liked it.

  Damn. I was in so much trouble. Another sleepless night was a guarantee after that particular encounter.

  Why did she have to be so unattainable?

  ****

  Chapter 4

  Cole

  The house was so quiet when I got home one evening. I had had to leave my car at work because my client and his wife had thrown a party upon the successful completion of their home and I might have had a little too much to drink. Their chauffeur had dropped me off instead.

  Actually, I had two glasses of champagne but since I hardly ever drank, the alcohol went to my head straight away. It was wearing off a bit now though. Where was everyone?

  "Skye?" I called out as I trudged upstairs, feeling tired after all that partying and mingling I had done. "Ben, Jacob, Isabelle?"

  There was no answer. I hadn't seen any of them in the morning either because I’d had to rush off to work. Life was just so busy these days. I was glad this project was finally over so I could take a break and spend more time with my family.

  "Hey," I said to my wife as I pushed open the door to my bedroom and saw her leaning against the pillows in bed, reading a book. "Where are the kids?"

  She didn't answer as I put away my stuff and rubbed my face. All I could think about was cuddling in bed with Skye until we both fell asleep.

  "Armaan took them to the carnival," she informed me after a minute.

  I turned to look at her. "He took them all? His kids too? Why didn't you go?"

  Her response was to close the book and raise her eyebrows at me. "You want me to go to the carnival with Armaan?"

  I shook my head. "Not with him. With the kids. He shouldn't have to handle ours as well, baby. I know they like him but-"

  "You're right, Cole. He shouldn't have to. I got home from the city very late though and was busy doing chores, helping Izzy with homework and trying to get some downtime as well so I was tired. There was no one else to take them."

  I let out a sigh and nodded. "Okay, I get it. I just feel bad. My poor babies
."

  They were all so big and quite capable of handling themselves but I still felt sorry for my children, having to go out with the neighbor because their own parents couldn't take them.

  "Maybe if you hadn't been so busy partying and gotten home on time, you wouldn't be feeling so bad right now," Skye said to me in a tight voice. "You realise your children have access to social media right? They saw the pictures your boss's wife uploaded and tagged you in. She seemed to really be enjoying pushing that champagne glass against your lips."

  I was baffled for a moment. I hadn't even checked my social media for hours. But after living with Skye and her trust issues for almost two decades, it wasn't hard to detect the note of suspicion and jealousy in her voice. I would never hurt her like that but I understood that a part of her was damaged forever and she'd never been able to repair it. Things like this just triggered her easily.

  "Honey, I'm so sorry," I began and walked over to her. "I swear Fiona was just being friendly. I mean, they were really happy with their home. They even gave me a bonus cheque at the end of it." I sat down next to her and rubbed her knee with my hand. "They wanted me to celebrate with them."

  Skye went back to her book and flipped a page. "Awesome."

  With a small sigh, I took out my phone and started to scroll through it. "I'm going to call Jacob. See if they need us to pick them up. Can you drive? I think I'm still reeling from the alcohol in my system. God, I hate drinking."

  "They'll be back soon. Jacob just texted me."

  Oh.

  "I guess I'd better take a shower then," I said and glanced at her. "Are you going to the city tomorrow? We could do something. I'm free for almost two weeks now."

  Skye shook her head and focused on the book.

  "Fiona didn't try anything with me, you know," I assured her again. "It was nothing like that. I mean, she's so young. I'm fucking forty-seven."

  My wife let out a snort. "What does that have to do with anything? Some girls like older men. I mean, if I was her, I'd definitely be attracted."

  It was a sensitive topic, I knew that. But when she said those words to me, it made me smile. It made me feel as though she would have found me and loved me no matter when or where. Even if I'd met her at forty-seven.

  "Of course you would be," I murmured and leaned forward to kiss her.

  She stopped me with a hand on my chest. "Not in the mood, Mr. Sawyer."

  We stayed that way for a heartbeat as I studied her tense features and the unhappiness in her eyes.

  "Baby, you're the only woman for me. I could look at a hundred Fionas and it wouldn't make a damn difference to me, Skye."

  She gave a nod. "Good to know. But honestly, I just want to be alone right now." She looked back at me calmly. "Is it wrong for me to ask that? Jasper's been gone for a month. That's the longest he has been away in over three years. I guess I just got used to some quiet nights on my own when you went to sleep over at his place."

  It wasn't wrong of her to ask for space. I understood what she was saying but it still hurt. Out of our trio, I was probably the one who got needy or emotional more quickly. I missed Jasper like hell and it made me want to replace all that missing affection with Skye. It was wrong of me. I didn't want to be like this. So clingy.

  "I'll sleep in one of the spare rooms," I told her quietly even though I didn't want to sleep alone. Jasper and Skye could do it but me, I had gotten used to holding one or the other at night. Sometimes, even both.

  "Don't make me feel guilty about it," she said as I got up slowly.

  "I'm not. I just...really wanted to spend the night with you. Maybe even the whole day tomorrow. I know I've been really busy."

  "Yeah. With Fiona."

  "Okay, seriously? I just told you that there was nothing going on, Skye," I bit out, feeling irritated.

  "Fine. I don't want to argue with you. It's been a stressful day," she replied.

  "It's been stressful for me too," I snapped. "I wasn't partying the entire day. We had to wrap up things. I woke up at fucking four! Why can't you just be more understanding instead of bitching about it?!"

  The words slipped out without me even giving them a second thought. It was my anger talking. Or sleep-deprivation. I hadn't yelled at my wife in years.

  "I'm sorry," I said almost at once as her expression closed up.

  "Cole, just go please," she said to me in a low voice. "I want to read for a while and then sleep."

  I stood there for a moment and frowned at her. "Are you okay? You've been acting so strange lately. I really don't know what's going on with you."

  My wife just shot me a cold look. "Don't make this about me," she issued in a warning voice. "Don't you dare act like him and try to make me feel like I'm being dramatic."

  I narrowed my eyes at her. "You realise he's not mad at you anymore, right? He asks about you every day. Can't you at least answer one of his texts? He's missing you too, Skye."

  She shook her head at me. "Now is not the time to be defending your precious boyfriend in front of me. I won't melt simply because he is feeling a little guilty for putting me in an awkward position with Jacob. That's just classic Jasper Wells. He can't ever think of the consequences before."

  I stayed quiet because I knew she was right. I didn't want to argue with her either. But then she crossed a line that night, my wife. She hurt me in a way I never would have thought of hurting her.

  "You shouldn't believe every word that comes out of his mouth, you know," Skye said as I turned to walk into the bathroom. "I mean, I've learned to live with it but I feel sorry for you sometimes. Did you ever think that if he did care that much, maybe he wouldn't need his space from you? He's gone so much of the time and you never say a word. I only asked for a night of peace and you want to blow it out of proportion."

  I closed my eyes then, my jaw tight with anger and suppressed emotions. She didn't understand. Just because she could never believe in him again...

  "He doesn't need his space from me, Skye," I informed her. "If I didn't have you or the kids or my job to worry about, I would be with him in Australia right now. And that's the only reason he didn't ask me to go with him."

  Fuck. How could she say that to me? Try to make me feel that Jasper liked to leave me behind. He didn't. She had no idea just how much he wanted me there. But he understood I had responsibilities too.

  I wasn't going to break down in front of her. Not tonight. I didn't feel like she deserved to see my tears or my pain.

  So I just walked out of the room because the thought of spending another minute with her was unbearable now.

  ~~~

  Skye

  Bitching about it. He couldn't have used a more fitting phrase. I was being a bitch. My husband had been nothing but sweet to me these past couple of weeks. Busy, tired, sad because he was missing Jasper but nothing less than kind to me. And what was I doing? Lusting over some teenager.

  The guilt was unbearable and so was Cole's unwavering loyalty and attention. I couldn't find one single excuse for my behaviour. Not one place where I could maybe stop blaming myself and fault him instead. Until tonight. But then, I was basically projecting because I didn't know how else to release my own frustration. I wanted to go to him and comfort him but after my cutting words, I knew Cole wouldn't want me anywhere near him for quite a while.

  It was for the best. I didn't want him near me either. Every time I saw his face, I was reminded of what I had done just a few nights ago. How would Cole look at me then once he found out what a hypocrite I was?

  I hadn't meant to. I'd just been feeling a little restless. Jacob had talked back to me again after I had only been trying to ask him about his schoolwork and why he wasn't making good grades like before and I'd gone upstairs to find Cole asleep earlier than usual. Izzy and Ben were already in bed after having finished their homework. The house had started to feel suffocating. And then I'd seen Jasper's post where he was mingling with some new people at the place where he was working on his latest
assignment. Those people had included some very pretty, very young girls.

  Why did I envy them? Why did I miss being young so much? To take a selfie and not have to worry about wrinkles or fine lines showing. To have that kind of enthusiasm for life again instead of feeling jaded.

  I'd taken a walk, just needing some fresh air and to clear my head a bit. For a few minutes, I didn't want to be anyone's mother or wife. I just wanted to be me, Skye Madison. Figure out who I was these days. Just for a few minutes.

  So I went out by myself. On one side, there were a few houses down the road towards the village but on the other side, it was just Armaan's huge mansion with his maze hedges, tree boundaries and soccer field. It had been a peaceful, moonlit night with a chill hanging in the air. I'd found myself enjoying the solitude, slowly starting to smile as I strolled across the grass. For those few minutes, all my stress seemed to fade away. Nobody needed me to be anything for them. I was free.

  My feet carried me over the well-worn path between our two houses. It was almost ten p.m and hardly anyone was around. I knew I'd be safe here. For some reason, despite Armaan's place being so huge and him being filthy rich, there weren't any break-ins in the area. It was nice knowing my kids were growing up in a safe neighbourhood.

  We had some broken down cathedrals further up the dirt road, lakes and bridges nearby. The old church ruins were where a lot of young people liked to hang out much to the displeasure of us parents. God only knew what they got up to in those spots.

  Youth. What a time that was. Unforgettable and angsty but full of blind hope for the future. It was sad how we never got a chance to relive it. If I could go back, I'd maybe do it better instead of letting things like the way my adoptive parents treated me get in the way of my enjoyment.

  Some kids got lucky on that front. They were adopted and never made to feel like an outsider. But no matter which way you saw it, the desire to know where you came from was so strong. I'd tried in vain to find out but I'd only reached dead ends. It made me happy to see the way Armaan treated Zi and Aaliyah. They were lucky to have him as a father.