Karma

by Sandrine Gasq-Dion

  “I’ll always be here for you.” Josh smiled in Paul’s chest.

  Josh turned in the seat. The dream kept going and he remembered when he went to Paul after months of having his mother’s boyfriend Rick touching him. He couldn’t take it anymore, and his mother had laughed in his face when he told her what was happening. He didn’t want to tell his dad; he didn’t want the same reaction from him as well. He found himself at Paul’s front door, He had walked all the way over, crying the whole way. Paul answered the door to a very sweaty, very teary Josh.

  “Oh my God, what’s wrong?” Paul grabbed him and held him tight. Josh shook in his arms. “Please, Josh, tell me what’s wrong. You’re scaring me.”

  Paul brought him inside, gave him a glass of water and took his hand.

  “Please talk to me, Josh.”

  Josh blurted everything out —how his mother’s boyfriend came into his room every time he was there and touched Josh. The man knew Mira would never believe her son if he ever told on him. He had free reign to molest Josh whenever he wanted, and he took full advantage of it.

  Paul’s anger began to boil. “What has he done, Josh?”

  Josh looked down at his hands; he was so ashamed. “He’s touched my dick, made me touch his. And he’s kissed me. I fight him off but he keeps coming back, Paul. Now he’s trying to do things with Jay.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Josh?”

  “I didn’t know what you would say. I let him … I tried to stop him.”

  “You didn’t let him do shit!”

  Paul stood up and paced the kitchen floor. He wanted this asshole dead. His heart ached for Josh. He couldn’t believe the anger he felt right now. He grabbed Josh’s hand and pulled him up.

  “Look at me.” Paul lifted Josh’s face to his own. “You didn’t do anything wrong! Do you understand?”

  Josh broke down crying and Paul held him, he held him until the tears subsided and then he took his hand.

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “Your house.”

  “Paul, he’s still there.”

  “Good.” Paul pulled his hand and Josh stood back. “I won’t let him near you.”

  They got to Josh’s house and Paul pulled out his cell phone. “Call your father, now.”

  “What if he doesn’t believe me?”

  “Then you and Jay move in with me and my parents, I will not have you in this house another night. Now, call your dad.”

  Paul left Josh in the car and went inside the house. He found Rick drinking coffee at the kitchen table. He looked up when Paul walked in and smiled.

  “Where’s Josh?”

  “Outside on the phone with his father — you know, the lawyer. He’s telling him that you’ve been molesting him.”

  Rick stood up. “That little liar!”

  Paul crossed the room and took Rick by the neck. “Say one more word about Josh and I will snap your neck.” Paul pushed him into the wall. “You have two choices: You can stay here and let me tear you apart, or you can leave now and never come back. I really hope you take door number one. I need my exercise.” Paul smiled wide.

  “I want to talk to Mira,” he managed to squeeze out.

  “If you don’t leave now, I can promise you’ll leave in a body bag. Or a few body bags.”

  Rick took in Paul’s size. He was a grown man. Paul was a teenager.

  Paul smiled. “Oh please, make a move.”

  Rick grabbed his keys. “This ain’t worth it.”

  Paul followed him out and made sure he left. He got in the car and listened as Josh talked to his father.

  “Thanks, Dad, I know. I love you, too.” Josh hung up and looked at Paul. “He’s coming today. He will be here tonight.”

  “Good.” Paul hugged him hard.

  “Thanks, Paul.” Josh smiled.

  “I would do anything for you, Josh.”

  Josh had wanted to kiss him then. He wanted to tell Paul he was in love with him, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

  Josh woke when the wheels hit the runway and he sat up. He couldn’t believe he had slept the whole way. They taxied in and Josh grabbed his bag. He got off the plane and immediately spotted his father.

  “Josh!” Jeremy ran and hugged his son. “What is it, son?” Jeremy looked in his son’s eyes.

  “Can we just go home and talk?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  They got back to the apartment and when Josh went into the kitchen, he was shocked to see Greg and Kyle’s father sitting at the table.

  “Mr. Farrelli?”

  “Hi, Josh.” Anthony smiled. “I think you can call me Anthony now.”

  “You’re the secret boyfriend?” Josh asked in astonishment.

  “The one and only. Are you okay with it?”

  “You were like another dad to me. Of course I’m okay with it.” Josh hugged him.

  “Hey the actual dad needs hugs, too.” Jeremy grinned.

  Josh hugged him and they sat down. Jeremy eyed his son. He could tell something was wrong.

  “Spit it out, Josh.”

  Josh sighed and told his father and Anthony what had happened — everything. When he was finished, he dared a look at his father.

  “Why are you smiling?”

  “I’m just wondering why it took you so long to say it. I knew you were in love with Paul when you were twelve. It was so obvious, the way you two were always together.”

  Anthony smiled. “How does Paul feel?”

  “He said he loves me.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “It’s complicated, Dad. Paul’s married and I’m in love with Tanner.”

  Jeremy took his hand. “It will be okay, Josh.”

  *~~~*

  Mark finally called Paul and they agreed to meet at Mark’s. They faced each other across the kitchen table, neither speaking. After a very long time, Mark spoke.

  “I think you need to follow through with this, Paul.”

  “You want an annulment, don’t you?”

  “No. Not right now. I think we need a separation; you need to find out if this thing with Josh is real. I can’t make you stay with me. I have issues of my own. When we got together, it was right after I split with Tanner. I still have feelings for him, pretty strong ones. You and I can’t trust each other, and that doesn’t make for a good marriage.”

  “Something did happen that night, didn’t it?” Paul asked.

  “It doesn’t matter. I love you, Paul. And that means I love you enough to let you go. You need to make up your mind, and so do I.”

  “I do love you, Mark, and if you feel something for Tanner then I have to follow it through, too. I’m not going to lie. I don’t like it. Look, I love Josh, but I am in love with you. I’m married to you. Can’t we just get counseling?”

  “My mind is made up, Paul. You need to go to Josh and try and make it work. I won’t sit here and ‘hope’ that you get over your feelings, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t care about Tanner.”

  Paul loved Mark, he really did. This was going to kill him.” I don’t think I can watch you with Tanner, Mark.”

  “Then don’t. We need to keep our distance for a while.”

  “I — but I need you.” Paul reached for Mark’s hand.

  “Right now, you need Josh.” Mark pulled away.

  Paul couldn’t stop the tears that suddenly filled his eyes. “I love you, Mark; more than you will ever know.”

  Mark watched him walk out the door and dropped his head onto his folded arms. The guilt he felt for what had happened was astronomical. Arms enveloped him and he reached for the hands.

  “You okay?”

  Mark turned toward Tanner. “I don’t know.”

  Tanner held him tight. “We’ll figure this out, I promise.”

  “I don’t know what’s worse — they didn’t sleep together but they are in love. I still have feelings for you and I don’t know what to do now.”<
br />
  Tanner held his face. “We will work this out, together.”

  ~*~

  Paul went to Josh’s house and rang the doorbell. Greg let him in watched quietly as he checked around the house.

  “Where’s Josh?”

  “Gone.”

  “What do you mean gone?” Paul panicked. Josh said he’d never leave him. He had promised.

  “Went to New York that night you came over.”

  “What?” Paul relaxed a little bit.

  “I don’t know, he came home and said he wasn’t going to be the reason you and Mark split. He wanted you to be happy.”

  Paul ran a hand through his hair. “Damn him.”

  “Paul, just go to him now.” Greg looked at him. “You love him.”

  “I love Mark, too.”

  “What is your heart telling you to do?”

  Paul sighed. “I’m going to New York. Ask Jay not to tell Josh.”

  “On it. Good luck, Paul.”

  ~*~

  Josh had been in Brooklyn all day. He went to work at the firm for a few hours and then decided to eat at Grimaldi’s pizza. He walked aimlessly; after an hour or so he found himself in Central Park in front of the Bethesda fountain. He pulled a penny out and tossed it in.

  The flashback came fast …

  “You know that never works.” Paul sat down and laughed.

  “I love this fountain, I always did. Something about the angel brings me some kind of peace.”

  “You’re a romantic, Josh; you always were.”

  “Well, you’re an asshole.” Josh smiled at Paul.

  “Ha ha. Hey, thanks for letting me come with you this summer. I needed to get away from my aunt. I’m sick of being called a fag.”

  “You can always stay with me and Jay.”

  “And deal with your homophobe mother? Yeah thanks, but no thanks.” Paul laughed, he grabbed a penny from his pocket and stood up, closed his eyes and threw it in.

  “I thought you said it doesn’t work.” Josh looked at Paul; his eyes were still closed.

  “Well, I’m trying anyway.” Paul wanted to tell Josh what he wished for — for Josh to tell him he felt the same way, that maybe someday they could be together.

  Josh smiled and threw another penny in. “Maybe that will help.”

  Now Josh stood at the same fountain years later, the memories of his summer in New York with Paul fading.

  “I hope it was a good wish.”

  Josh froze. He turned slowly. Paul was standing there with his hands in his pockets.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Paul approached Josh. “Looking for you.”

  “How did you know I’d be here?”

  Paul tilted his head and smiled. “Really, you have to ask that?”

  “Paul …”

  “Why did you run away, Josh?”

  “I didn’t run away. I removed myself from the situation; there’s a difference. I want you to be happy. I can’t ruin your marriage. You love Mark.”

  Paul took his hand and pulled him in. “I love you. I want to try.”

  “What if it doesn’t work, Paul? I can’t see my life without you,” Josh whispered.

  “I know you’re scared. I am, too — but I can’t not try. Do you want me?”

  “I’ve always wanted you, Paul.”

  Paul pulled him in and kissed him. Their tongues tangled and Josh moaned. Paul left light kisses on his lips and then they moved apart.

  “We have to try, Josh. I hid my feelings for you for a long time. I won’t do it anymore.”

  “My dad’s home. He’d love to see you.”

  “Let’s go.”

  They went back to the apartment and Jeremy was making dinner. Anthony was at the counter, kissing his neck.

  “Mr. Farrelli?” Paul looked from one man to the other.

  “Paul, good to see you!” Anthony shook his hand.

  “Wow. Didn’t see that coming!”

  Anthony smiled at Jeremy. “Neither did we.”

  “You two work things out?” Jeremy asked casually.

  Paul looked at Josh. “We’re going to try. I love your son.”

  “Well, duh.” Jeremy laughed.

  They ate dinner and Anthony and Jeremy filled Josh and Paul in on how they met and how they had gotten together. Paul laughed when Anthony told them how he had pretended not to have been with a man.

  “That was so not funny.” Jeremy laughed and squeezed Anthony’s hand.

  “I would really appreciate it if you guys don’t tell my boys. Jeremy and I are going to Fort Worth tomorrow to tell to them in person.”

  “We won’t say a word. I promise.”

  Jeremy glanced at Josh. “You and Paul can have some alone time to talk.”

  “I think we need that,” Paul admitted.

  They cleaned up after dinner and Jeremy and Anthony said goodnight. Paul sat on the couch with Josh and watched the fire in the fireplace. He pulled Josh against him.

  “You okay?” Paul nuzzled his neck.

  “I’m more than okay.”

  Josh looked up and Paul caught his lips. He palmed his face and pulled him around so he could deepen the kiss.

  “I always wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you,” Paul whispered.

  “Me too.”

  “So, was it what you thought it would be?”

  “Not even close. It’s so much better.”

  Paul smiled. “I know what you mean.”

  They sat together for a long time, neither speaking. Finally Josh got up and took Paul’s hand. They went to the bedroom and Josh undressed down to his boxers. He was very aware of Paul watching him. Paul undressed slowly, his eyes locked on Josh’s. Paul walked over to Josh, put his hand on his chest and caressed it.

  “If it’s okay, I just want to hold you tonight.”

  Josh smiled. “It’s perfect.”

  Paul fell asleep fast. He was so comfortable with Josh; sleep came quickly.

  His dreams took him to the night of his parents’ death. The police appeared on his porch and, as through a fog, heard them say his parents were dead. He had gone to the morgue and identified them, returned home and collapsed on the couch. He was in a daze. It seemed so unreal. He picked up the phone and called Josh.

  “I need you.”

  Within minutes Josh was on his doorstep.

  “What’s wrong, Paul?” Josh searched Paul’s haggard face.

  “My parents …” Paul couldn’t say it.

  “What? Oh God, Paul, what?” Josh hugged him hard.

  “They’re dead, Josh! They’re dead.” Paul’s whole body shook with his sobs.

  “Oh God, no!” Josh held him as tightly as he could. He cried, not only for Paul but for the loss of such wonderful people. Phoebe and Colin Greystone had treated him as a son.

  “Will you stay with me tonight? Paul sobbed.

  “You know I will.” Josh continued to hold him.

  They finally went to bed, where Josh held Paul, trying to soothe him.

  “Please don’t leave me, Josh.”

  “I will never leave you. I promise.”

  Josh had held him the entire night. He stayed awake, even after Paul had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He threaded his fingers in Paul’s hair and kissed his forehead. His heart hurt. Paul was all alone. Paul stirred in his sleep and he pulled him in closer.

  “I’m here Paul. I’ll always be here.”

  Paul awoke slowly, felt a warm body next to him and smiled. He tugged Josh in closer and whispered in his ear. Josh stirred and then he whispered back.

  “You remembered.” Paul smiled.

  “You did teach me Italian.”

  “I know — and you speak it so well.” Paul pulled Josh’s face up. “Good morning.”

  “Morning. I thought maybe I was dreaming.” Josh put his arms around Paul.

  “No, I’m here with you.” Paul ran his lips across Josh’s and then nuzzled his face.

  They hear
d noises in the kitchen and Josh laughed.

  “I don’t think they left yet.”

  Paul rolled off Josh and pulled him out of bed and into his arms. He kissed him hard.

  “Come on, let’s go say bye.”

  *~~~*

  Mark finally called Greg and Jay. Now, he and Tanner faced the two in their living room. Jay watched them together.

  “So, you two …” Jay began.

  “I know what you’re going to say, Jay,” Mark interrupted him.

  “No you don’t, Mark. You’re my friend and all I want for you is to be happy, whatever that is — whether it be with Paul or Tanner. I’m here for you.”

  “You knew, didn’t you?” Mark eyed Jay.

  “I’ve seen them over the years.”

  Mark eyed Greg. “You’re awfully quiet.”

  “I’m not getting involved. I like you guys and I’m not taking sides.”

  “There are no sides. I’ve given Paul the choice to be with Josh; if they’re meant to be, then I’ll accept that. But I won’t make someone stay with me. It’s selfish. I’d rather know for sure that he chooses me of his own free will.”

  They stayed for another hour and made plans to go out to the club that night. Jay hugged Mark on his way out the door.

  “You’re one of my closest friends, Mark. I want it to stay that way.”

  “I’ll always be your friend, Munchkin.” Mark smiled and winked at him.

  Mark headed to the car and Tanner pulled him back and dropped a light kiss on his mouth.

  “What was that for?” Mark asked.

  “I need to be honest. That night at the club? You know, when you told Paul you loved him?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I was going to tell you …” Tanner palmed his face. “I wanted you to know I was falling for you, but then when you told me you loved Paul, I convinced myself I was wrong. Before that, when I was at the club with Heather and I tried to talk to you — I wanted to fix it. Then I was going to beg for forgiveness, but you left with Paul and I knew I had lost my chance.”

  “Jesus, Tanner. This is all kinds of fucked up.”

  “I know I made mistakes. When you broke up with me I was hurt. I mean it hurt bad. I did what I always do when I’m hurt; I found comfort with someone. I know that’s bad. I’m an asshole. But the night of the frat party you told me you loved me.”