A Daring Journey

by Jeanne St. James

  “Trevor, I wasn’t the only one who ever loved you.”

  Trevor fisted his hands in his lap. Now he was getting to the hard part. “I told you my parents were dead... they’re not.”

  Damon’s lips thinned. “You lied to me.”

  The disappointment in Damon’s voice tore at his heart. “About that, yes.”

  “Why?”

  Trevor slowly filled his lungs with air, then just as slowly pushed it back out. He thought back on his group and solo therapy sessions. He used the techniques he was taught to deal with his past. Which was what it was. His past. Something that was over with. A past that he should no longer allow to control him. By dealing with it, he opened himself up to a better and more stable future. He only hoped it could be with the man sitting next to him.

  But even if it wasn’t...

  No, he couldn’t give up. At least not yet.

  “I never knew my father because he split when my mother became pregnant. Since I was an unwanted pregnancy, she blamed me for my father leaving. Because of this, she took it out on me. I grew up thinking what she did was normal behavior since I never knew anything different. I ended up equating love to abuse and pain. In my mind, that was how to show love.”

  “You showed me love without that, Trev. You loved me without hurting me.”

  “I know. And I never did anything to hurt my mother back. I just accepted it, but it turns out I also repressed most of it. It was buried deep inside me, making me seek that behavior and not knowing why.”

  “Do you know why she did it?” Damon asked softly. He grabbed one of Trevor’s balled hands and lifted it to his lips, brushing them along Trevor’s knuckles. Then he dropped them back to his lap, giving his hand a squeeze.

  “I do now. It took a while for that to come to the surface, but it finally did. She was determined to teach me to be a man who would never skip out on a woman. Of course, she went about it the wrong way. Because, the problem was, I became a man who did skip out. Just not on a woman.” He turned his head to meet Damon’s dark gaze. “I skipped out on you. Someone I truly loved. What she thought she was trying to teach me, to instill in me, didn’t work, especially with the fucked up method she used. I ended up doing the opposite.”

  Trevor closed his eyes as his mother’s voice drifted through his head. “I’m doing this for your own good, Trevor. It’s because I love you.”

  “It’s because I love you,” Trevor repeated out loud in a whisper.

  “What?”

  Shit. Trevor shook his head. “Nothing.”

  “I still don’t understand. I loved you, Trevor. Did you not feel that love? Did you only recognize love in the form of pain?”

  “To my fucked-up head, it wasn’t real love unless pain accompanied it. I had been in relationships before you, you know that, but they were fleeting. Once we... With us living together, the more connected we became, the deeper we fell in love... it... it triggered something. I couldn’t figure out what was missing. Now I know.” He hesitated and studied Damon’s face when he said, “And now you know.”

  Damon’s gaze dropped to their hands. He forced Trevor’s fist open and intertwined their fingers, once again giving his a squeeze. “Now I know. I wish we had known back then.”

  “Me, too. I regret everything that happened, Day. But in another way, it’s good it did so I could finally deal with it. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.”

  Damon nodded, still staring at their hands. Seeing him blinking rapidly, brought the sting to Trevor’s own eyes.

  His words caught in his throat, but he forced them out. “Thank you for letting me explain.”

  Damon lifted his head, his nostrils flared, his jaw tight, clearly fighting some sort of emotion. Sadness. Regret. Disappointment. Probably everything that Trevor was feeling, too. He wrapped his hand around the back of Trevor’s head and pulled him forward until their foreheads touched.

  “I’m sorry for everything you had to go through. I’m sorry your mother did that to you. I’m sorry that you went through all of it—from the day your mother began to teach you a lesson you never should’ve been taught, to the day you found your answers—alone. Alone. I would’ve been there for you, Trev. Every step of the fucking way.”

  “No,” Trevor whispered. “No, I’m glad you weren’t there. It was ugly. I needed to do this on my own and come back to you a better man. A healthier man. A man who could love you as you were meant to be loved. A man who could accept your love completely. My only regret now is that it took so long and I’ve lost you forever.”

  Damon’s fingers flexed not only at the back of his head, but around the fingers they had still clasped together in his lap.

  Trevor closed his eyes and waited. Their mouths were so close, Damon’s warm breath sweeping over his lips. He pressed a hand against Damon’s chest, over his heart and could feel it’s strong beat, a little quicker than normal.

  He wasn’t going to make the first move, though he wanted to. He needed Damon to take the first step. Trevor wanted him to be sure, to be totally willing. Trevor didn’t want to pressure him into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with.

  And Trevor also wasn’t sure he could endure the sting of Damon’s rejection.

  However, that sliver of hope returned and his own heart began to thump as hard as Damon’s.

  Damon’s hand dropped from the back of his head, to curl around Trevor’s neck, his thumb pressing against his racing pulse.

  “I never stopped loving you,” Trevor confessed softly.

  “I never stopped loving you, either.”

  That sliver grew larger, into a shard. Then his hope exploded when Damon closed the gap between them and claimed his mouth.

  Chapter 10

  Damon’s head spun as he pressed his lips to Trevor’s. The urge to kiss him had been too strong to fight. He knew he shouldn’t. He should let Trevor leave now that he’d explained.

  But he wasn’t sure he could let the man go.

  He was torn between his love for Trevor—to a man who hurt him badly, who deserted him without a word—and a woman he’d just met, who he could see having a future with. He hadn’t lied to Trevor, there was a spark, a connection, between him and MacKenzie that was real.

  He didn’t want to throw that away. He also wasn’t sure what to do with Trevor, a man who had held his heart for years. Even if his heart had been damaged for most of those years.

  Damon couldn’t deny he still felt something for him. He had tried to tamp it down for so long, that hearing Trevor’s heartbreaking story just had his emotions and his thoughts in a jumbled mess.

  He had missed Trevor more than he realized. This kiss was almost like the first time they kissed all those years ago. The night they first met. When they were young and eager to satisfy their sexual desire, even though they hardly knew one another. Their relationship had developed quickly, like a runaway train, from the moment they met until the day they moved in together. Then that train jumped the tracks when Trevor disappeared.

  Damon could feel Trevor’s pain and regret as he told him about his journey. And he wanted nothing more than to soothe some of that pain away.

  Damon thought he’d never forgive him. But right now, that’s exactly what he was doing. Maybe not forgetting, but forgiving the man.

  Even so, he wasn’t sure he wanted to give Trevor a second chance.

  He also wasn’t sure that he didn’t want to, either.

  They were exploring each other’s mouth, their tongues touching tentatively. Relearning their tastes, letting the feelings that had been repressed for so long bloom all over again.

  His chest ached as the feelings he once had began to resurface, along with the urge to let himself forget those last five years, if only temporarily. Did he really want to reconnect with Trevor? Did he want to open himself up to heartache all over again?

  Or did he want to continue on the path of pursuing MacKenzie? They had a couple of dates, they had sex once. Or one night was mor
e like it.

  They clicked in bed. They were compatible when it came to conversation and intelligence. It had been a long time since he’d found that.

  He thought he had that with Trevor.

  He didn’t have to choose one or the other at this point. He could explore what he and Trevor had now to see if what they had before still existed. And if it didn’t? If things had changed?

  Then...

  He shook himself mentally. That wasn’t right for Trevor or MacKenzie. It was selfish on his part. Date both people and figure out who was best for him?

  They’d never go for that. And he wouldn’t blame them.

  He doubted Trevor would want to share him with Mac. And he figured Mac wouldn’t want to do the same.

  A love triangle could get messy and someone could get hurt. Or a couple of someones. Including himself.

  And while his head was trying to make sense of it all, his body was doing something different. It was reacting to Trevor as if he’d never left. As if everything was still the same.

  Trevor had grabbed his face and held Damon in place as he frantically returned the kiss. As he encouraged Damon not to stop, to keep going, to keep exploring his mouth, tangling their tongues together.

  A groan rose up from Damon at the same time one came from Trevor. Damon’s cock was pressing against the damp towel, throbbing. He silently hoped Trevor would touch him, remove the towel, fall to his knees and take Damon into his mouth.

  Trevor dropped a hand from Damon’s cheek and he tugged at the knot, loosening the towel and letting it fall open. His fingers trailed over his stomach and then down. Long fingers wrapped tightly around Damon’s length and he couldn’t fight another groan from escaping him.

  The kiss became more intense, more frantic, as Trevor began to stroke him. Then with every downward stroke, Trevor would cup Damon’s balls, squeeze them lightly, then circle his root again and sweep his palm back up. His thumb would brush the crown, gathering any precum collected at the tip.

  Trevor had always been good with his hands. He was a certified massage therapist and his fingers were strong and skilled. Damon wondered if he still did that kind of work. He missed the man’s hands on him, whether sexually or therapeutically. Both had made him feel good in different ways. Trevor knew how to turn Damon to mush whether on the massage table or in bed.

  But right now, they were on a bed, even if it was just sitting. And once again, Trevor’s hands were turning him inside out. Especially when his fingers flitted over Damon’s nipples as his other hand continued its onslaught on his now-throbbing erection.

  He’d just had sex in his bed not long ago with Mac. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about doing the same thing with Trevor.

  It was wrong. So wrong.

  It wasn’t fair to Trevor. It wasn’t fair to Mac.

  He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t do this.

  To her.

  No, because as much as he wanted Trevor in that very moment, he wanted MacKenzie just as much.

  He didn’t want to destroy something that was only just budding and could develop into something good. Something great.

  He needed to give them a chance. To see where they would go. And as much as he wanted to fuck Trevor, he needed to keep his head on straight and realize Trevor might see it as something more than simply fucking.

  He might see it as Damon taking him back. Letting him back into his life.

  And right now, he wasn’t sure if he could do that.

  Yes, he could forgive him. But no, he couldn’t hand Trevor back his heart and his love. Not that easily.

  He’d be a fool to do so.

  The hardest thing he ever did in his life was break the kiss, pull away, and stop Trevor’s hands from continuing on their paths.

  He warred with himself. Eventually forcing himself to think straight, to see reason.

  Taking Trevor on a bed that was still a mess from him and Mac was just... wrong.

  “Damon,” Trevor whispered roughly.

  Damon shook his head, trying to clear the passion-induced fog. “No, Trevor. We can’t.”

  “Because of her?”

  “Because of us. Having sex isn’t going to fix us. It’s only going to make a mess of my life once again. I can’t let you do that. Hell, I can’t do that to myself.”

  Damon quickly pulled the towel over his lap and tried to knot it again. But his erection was still raging so it was about impossible to contain.

  “Do you feel that you’d be cheating?”

  Damon thought carefully about that. “No, not cheating because we’re not at the point of being exclusive. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong, Trevor. Before you showed up here this morning, she was the only thing I could think about since I met her. I can’t get her out of my head. There’s something to that and I want to explore it.”

  “So, I am too late.”

  “I don’t know, Trev. I honestly don’t know. I need to think about the things you told me. I need to talk to Mac. You’ve muddled my mind and I need to clear it first before deciding anything. Having sex with you isn’t going to help that. I couldn’t keep that from Mac, anyway, so that could destroy any chances she and I would have before it really begins.”

  “But if you’re unsure, then wouldn’t it be best to end it before it really begins?’”

  Damon frowned. “You said you wanted me to be happy and that if she makes me happy that would make you happy. Was that another lie?”

  Trevor’s eyes shuttered. “No. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. With me or without me. That wasn’t a lie. It’s just hard to swallow if I’m not included in that.”

  “I’m not shutting you out completely, Trev. I just need some time. I need to...” Damon dropped his head and scrubbed a hand over his hair. “Fuck. I need to talk to Mac.” Get a sense of where they were at. What Mac’s expectations were, where she saw them going, if anywhere.

  “No matter what, if you decide there’s no chance of us getting back together, I’d like to remain friends, Day. I would still like you in my life.”

  Could that even be possible? Could Damon remain friends with Trevor if he moved things forward with Mac and, quite possibly, Trevor remained in Boston and met someone else?

  Could they meet for dinner as two separate couples? Could they go to a movie as a group of friends? Would jealousy not bite Damon in the ass?

  Would Trevor be fine with Damon being with Mac?

  Could exes simply be friends?

  That was something else he’d have to think about. He needed to decide first whether he wanted to take Trevor back and give them a second shot at being a couple. If not, then he needed to figure out if they could remain friends.

  He also needed to get Trevor off his bed and out of his bedroom while he only wore a towel. None of that was helping Damon think straight.

  “I can see you struggling, Day. I’ll leave and make it easier on you. But I only ask that you give all this serious thought. And then not leave me hanging.”

  “Are you back in Boston permanently?”

  Trevor nodded. “Yes, I rented a small apartment in the city. I also renewed my massage license with the state and I’ve begun to take on clients again. Some of my previous clients are making appointments already and they’re referring their friends.”

  “You were always good with your hands.”

  “Anytime you want a massage...”

  That was too tempting. And they both knew how that would end. Like it ended every other time Trevor practiced his techniques on him in the past. With them both breathless, covered in massage oil and cum, only wearing satisfied smiles.

  A sharp pain shot through Damon’s chest. He missed that.

  Fuck. He missed Trevor.

  But any impulsive decision he made right now, he’d end up regretting.

  “I’ll go,” Trevor said softly, rising to his feet. Damon couldn’t miss the erection he sported, too. Their attraction to each other hadn’t
waned one bit.

  Damon stood, adjusting the towel and securing the knot better.

  “I can see myself out,” Trevor said as he turned toward the door.

  “Trev...”

  Trevor stopped and glanced over his shoulder. Damon snagged his phone off the nightstand and hit the power button.

  “Give me your number.”

  Trevor held out his hand and Damon placed his cell in it. A few moments later, he handed it back. “Please use it. Even if it’s to tell me to get lost.”

  Damon pressed his lips together and nodded. “I will. Hey...” He moved around Trevor until he was facing him.

  Trevor eyebrows furrowed, waiting.

  Damon reached out and cupped his chin before leaning in to give him a light kiss. When he pulled away he said, “No matter what happens, just remember I love you. However, I need to love myself, too, and do what’s best for me. And you might not be it anymore.”

  Trevor fought to keep his expression neutral, but Damon could read the hurt in his eyes and his face. Hell, even his body language.

  He didn’t want to hurt the man. But he also needed to protect his own heart.

  Mac jumped when her cell phone rang. She didn’t get a lot of calls unless it had to do with her job, but it was late afternoon on a Saturday. It wasn’t work.

  She’d been sitting at her desk in her small home office, catching up on said work. She didn’t have to, but she needed to get her mind off this morning and when she tried to read earlier, her mind kept wandering. At least doing work, she had to concentrate.

  Apparently she’d been concentrating so hard, her phone ringing scared the bejesus out of her. With one hand to her thumping heart, she swiped her finger across the screen and put her phone to her ear.