The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  “I’m afraid I am Tawny,” Mike said sadly.” In my recent history, and by recent, I mean in the last hundred years, two thirds of the world started killing each other to gain land or territory. Everyone on Earth put the blame of the beginning of the war on the killing of an irrelevant Arch Duke. But really the planet had been itching for a reason to fight each other for quite some time.”

  “Why,” Tawny asked.

  “I have no idea,” Mike said. “Hundreds of little reasons I guess. Maybe because it had been a few decades since there had been a real large bloodletting. Anyway, after that war was over one of the losing countries lost control of quite a bit of their territory. So they built up a military in secret for 10 or 20 years and then went through a series of ruses to make it look like they were in fact invaded by another country. After that they went on an all-out attack to regain all of the territory they had lost in the previous war. “

  “Can I interrupt you one more time?” Tawny asked.

  “Of course,” Mike said politely

  “Are you saying that this group of people invaded a certain region of the planet because they once had some type of control over that area in the past, and now they wanted it back?”

  “That pretty much sums it up, I guess,” Mike said more than just a little embarrassed.

  “You mean that all of the people, or the majority of people in this one region, wanted to take over the other region.”

  “Not exactly,” Mike said. “The people that governed that certain region kind of whipped the general population into a frenzy and made them feel as though they had been slighted by the outcome of the last war. After that, those same people started the war.”

  “So, you mean that not everyone actually fighting in this war wanted control of this region.”

  “Unfortunately, that’s exactly right. One of Earths’ poets summed it up pretty good in the beginning of the 20th century. He wrote ‘those that I fight I do not hate. Those that I guard I do not love’.”

  “And yet they were actively killing people that they had never met, never talked to, and bore no individual ill will towar,d because a leader or group of leaders told them to,” Tawny said amazed.

  “Yeah,” Mike said, “that’s pretty much true.”

  “How do these groups of people actually go about making this war happen?”

  “War,” Mike said, starting slowly. He realized the ignorance of the words that were about to fall out of his mouth like so much puss from an infected wound. But he had come this far and there was no turning back now, “is an ongoing act of attrition.”

  “In what way?” Tawny asked.

  “Each side has spent quite a lot of time, money and manpower developing new ways to kill people. The idea is to keep the technological cutting edge. To stay one step ahead of your enemies. And if you don’t have any enemies at the present time, then you must stay ahead of enemies that you might have in the future.

  “When two armies meet,” Mikes lip was starting to quiver just a little. “The idea is for each group to kill as many of the other group as is humanly possible before they have a chance to kill too many of the people in your group…”

  Mike hesitated. He felt dirty. He felt like he was walking around a beautiful pasture smashing baby chicks with his bare feet with every step.

  “Kill how?” Tawny asked.

  “Oh Jesus,” Mike thought. “Don’t ask me that. Don’t ask me the one question that not even humans can stand to ask themselves. Soldiers are simply lost or they gave their lives or whatever. No one tells the truth. No one says a fellow human being was blown apart, or a child died clawing at her lungs as poison gas ripped her beautiful tiny body apart from the inside out. Or that a young man was forced to beat a fellow human being to death with an empty rifle. Don’t make me explain these things. And please for the love of God don’t make me tell you how we justify it.”

  “Killing,” Mike said. He was leaning forward with his forearms resting on his legs. His head hung as he starred at the floor. “Killing is done in whatever way it takes to do away with a person in an opposing army. Artillery was developed that flings explosives into groups of people blowing them apart. Guns have come quite a way as well. These things are small pieces of artillery that are able to be easily carried by a man. They discharge small metal pellets at very high rates of speed. These guns are directed at other armies. They tear flesh apart, dismember people, or worse, wound them, or disfigure them for the rest of their lives. Leaving the survivors to carry around incredible pain until they finally can die of their wounds or old age,” Mike was sobbing “when armies get to close together and the long-distance weapons are no longer of use people wade into each other and murder every one they can get their hands on in any way possible. They stab each other with knives, or beat each other to death with rocks,” he was shaking now. “They bite, and punch, and claw, each other to death because someone told them they had to do it to show how much of a patriot they were. Or prove how ready they were to defend their way of life…”

  He stopped and looked up at Tawny. His eyes were red and swollen and tears freely streamed down both cheeks.

  “I am so sorry,” he crooked out. “Jesus Christ, I am just so…sorry.”

  “That’s ok,” Tawny said. Her cheeks were flushed and she was clearly horrified. But there was also a deep look of pity on her face for Mike. “Why don’t we take a break. Or just stop this all together if it’s too much for you.”

  “No,” mike said as he rubbed his face. “No, I’m good. Let’s go on.”

  “Are you sure?” she asked. “We certainly don’t have too.”

  “No,” Mike said. “Let’s do this. I’m ok…really.”

  “OK,” Tawny said “but just let me know if you want to stop.

  “I will, thanks.”

  “OK, Mike,” Tawny went back into the interview. “I know something of national imagery from my time I’ve spent on your planet. Could you explain that for our viewers?”

  “I think,” Mike said “what about national imagery do you want to know about specifically?”

  “Well,” Tawny said as she tapped her pen on her chin, “flags for example. I’ve always found that concept fascinating.”

  “Flags,” Mike said. He had never actually thought about flags before. “Each country has its own flag. A flag is a piece of cloth that has been designed to represent specific things about that country. It’s used to make those people feel unified and make them act as one. For example, the flag that represents my country has a blue square in one corner of it, and the blue square contains white stars. The rest of the flag has red and white stripes. Each thing on that flag has a specific meaning. The blue square stands for one thing, the stars stand for another, and even the color and number of stripes stand for something else.”

  “We start teaching our children at a very young age to pledge their very lives to this flag, and to protect it against other people that are being taught to do the same thing for their flags.”

  “Why would you teach your children to die for a piece of cloth?” Tawny asked.

  “Because that piece of cloth represents your country. And letting anything bad happen to that piece of cloth is the same thing as letting something bad happen to your country. We write poems about our flag, and songs about it.”

  “You write songs about a colored piece of cloth?” Tawny asked.

  “Yes,” Mike said. He was pushing through the stupidity of human nature now. “Eventually a group of people with a national flag pick one of these songs to be representative of that nation and that nations flag. That song is called the national anthem.”

  “All countries have this?” Tawny asked.

  “As far as I know,” Mike said. “At least all of the bigger countries do.”

  “This song,” Mike went on ,“is played whenever the flag is presented in public.”

  “Any time?” Tawny asked.

  “Well, yeah,” Mike said. “Like at the beginning of sportin
g events.”

  “Yes,” Tawny said, “I want to be sure and get back to sporting events later.”

  She made a note on her pad.

  “Anyway,” Mike went on “at the beginning of, say…a football game, a giant flag is brought out onto the field. The national anthem is played and people are expected to stand up and sing along with the music.”

  “And what if they don’t?” Tawny asked.

  “If they don’t they are usually subject to public scorn and hatred. They are labeled as radicals, or unpatriotic. Sometimes fights break out because someone sits during the playing of this song, or even worse turns their back on the flag.”

  “If someone turns their back on this piece of cloth,” Tawny asked, “people might attack them?”

  “I’m afraid so,” mike said “we spend quite a lot of time in my country yelling at each other about how they should be reverent about…the cloth.”

  “I’d like to go back to something you said before if you don’t mind,” Tawny said.

  “Certainly,” Mike said.

  “You said that sometimes religion is a thing that could make two different groups of people go to war. Could you explain religion to me?”

  “I have to assume you personally know something of religion from your deep space work,” Mike said “is there anything here that correlates, or am I starting with s blank canvas here?”

  “I’m afraid you’re starting from zero,” she said.

  “OK,” Mike said as he searched the ceiling for the right words, “on Earth most people are searching for the reason they are on that planet in the first place. Also, they need the security of knowing that someone or something is in actual control of daily events.”

  “Why would that bring security?” she asked.

  “If an entity is actually in control, then there has to be a grand scheme to things. If your mother dies of cancer it wasn’t just some random act. Some other entity took her life for a purpose.”

  Tawny just raised one eye brow.

  “All civilizations on earth,” Mike said “well, at least all of them I can think of, have some sort of a belief system as to how the world came to be, what controls daily events, and where life is going eventually.”

  “Some people are something called pagans. That word actually started out as a derogatory term used by early Christians to describe anyone that wasn’t them, Jews, or Muslims. But that would take way too long to explain.

  “Pagans usually are polytheists. That means that they have many Gods…”

  “Could you explain Gods for the viewers?”

  “Sure,” Mike said. “A god is an unseen entity that people believe controls everything there is to do with whatever people think they are in charge of. For example, there might be a god of trees and plants. This god would be responsible for everything that has to do with vegetation, including crops. If a farmer is growing a specific crop they might pray to that god to ensure that they would be blessed with a good harvest.”

  “I’m sorry Mike,” Tawny cut in, “could you explain praying?”

  “Ah, I think so. Praying is something that you do…kind of like thinking…but directing that thought at a specific thing. You would think toward this god. Usually, at some point you have to tell this particular god how awesome they are, and in turn how pretty much worthless you are, and that you would be thrilled if that god could give you the thing you were asking for.”

  “Why is it important that you tell this god how great they are?” Tawny asked.

  “I guess the best way I can explain that is to talk about the religion that I was brought up in,” Mike said. “We are monotheists that worship a single god.”

  Tawny started to say something but Mike cut her off with a rise of a finger. He knew she was going to ask what worshiping was all about.

  “Our god, as far as we’re concerned created everything.”

  “Everything?” Tawny said.

  “Yeah. He created the planet Earth and the seas, then he created all of the animals and plants. Then he created humans. Well, he created a male, then he created a woman so the man would have someone to talk to. I guess the man got tired of talking to the animals.”

  He could sense the beginnings of a smirk crossing Tawny’s perfect mouth.

  “Yeah,” Mike said pressing on, “God actually created light and dark.”

  “What?” Tawny said.

  “Ah, daylight and subsequent darkness,” Mike said. “God created that. There was an incident with a talking snake, but that’s too much to get into right now. Anyhow, God created free will.”

  “God created free will,” Tawny said.

  Mike shot her an apologetic half grin, “yeah,” he said.

  “So,” Mike continued “the reason that God created man was to worship him…”

  “Hang on,” Tawny said “This god created human beings simply to have something living on a planet…that this thing also created…that would spend the day telling this god how terrific it was?”

  “And how worthless they were. Apparently, that makes God happy somehow.”

  “Does everyone on Earth believe some form of this?” she asked.

  “Well no,” he said, “there are some people that don’t agree with any of the theologies. These people are called atheists.”

  “What do these atheists believe?” she said.

  “Different things. They don’t really have a unified thought process. About the only thing they do have in common is that they think the entire God concept is pretty childish. They think humans are a biological happening on the planet, and that their only reason for being there in the first place is to provide comfort to their fellow humans and make their life a little more comfortable.”

  “How do others take this group?”

  “Not very well I must say. Atheists are pretty much universally discredited by every religion on the planet.”

  “Why is that?” She asked.

  “Basically, what they believe spits in the face of what religious people have been taught ever since they had been potty-trained. Religion relies on faith. You have to have faith that something that you have never seen, and no one you know has ever seen, controls things in a way you can’t see or begin to understand.”

  “What do religious people think happens if you stop having faith, or if you bring disfavor on to this entity.”

  “Ahhhhhhhh,” Mike wasn’t looking forward to fielding this question. “If you sin, and before you ask, sinning is basically acting in a way that you know in your heart is wrong in the first place. Like murder, of theft, abusing another person. If you do that, or if you don’t believe in that god, or if even worse you live your life in a way that angers this god…then he…this god…sends your soul to a horrible place to spend the rest of eternity being tortured by evil beings.”

  “What the…” Tawny started and the regained her professional air. “Why does god do that?”

  “Because he loves you?” Mike said weakly.

  “You mean…wait…this god…torments the essence of your being…for eternity, because he loves you?” Tawny stumbled over her words.

  “Pretty much,” Mike shrugged.

  “And adults believe this?” Tawny asked. “We’re not talking about children here. We’re talking about adults.”

  “Yes,” Mike said “our entire civilization is based on some form of this ideology. I guess this leads into the subject of wars for religion, doesn’t it.”

  Tawny was just looking at him.

  “A very long time ago the majority of the world was controlled by two major religions, Christians and Muslims. Both of these groups laid claim to a region that was historically significant to them, and they both wanted control of it.”

  “Control for what purpose?” Tawny asked.

  That was actually an outstanding question. What was the purpose?

  “It’s hard for us to understand the concept of control here,” Tawny explained. “Why couldn’t both groups exist in the same place
at the same time? I mean, let’s say that this certain spot had…I don’t know… 100,000 people living in it. And let’s say half of them were Muslims and half were Christians. Why couldn’t they both live in the same place at the same time if that place was that important to them?”

  “These two groups of people hated each other because they each viewed the other’s religious beliefs as going against God. They both felt that if they allowed the other to stay in their most sacred land that it would infuriate God, and there would be consequences.”

  “Consequences?”

  “Yes,” Mike said. “Like pestilence and plague. Things like that.”

  “These people believed that this entity, that created them, would bring horrible suffering because they allowed people to live in an area that they thought was sacred?”

  “That’s about right,” Mike said. “These wars were known as the crusades. Kings, or Popes, they were rulers of the Christians, would get armies together and travel thousands of miles to toss the Muslims out of the holy land. The wars were horrible and cost hundreds of thousands of lives. They lasted for around 200 years.”

  “200 years?” Tawny said in surprise.

  Mike just nodded.

  “Certainly people in modern times can see the ignorance of this slaughter?” Tawny said.

  “You would think that,” Mike said. “But today that area is still being fought over by Jews, original Christians, and Muslims. People are killed constantly there. Homes are destroyed and families are displaced. It’s all pretty horrible, and it’s almost 1000 years later.”

  “But people understand the futility there, don’t they?”

  “Far from it, I’m afraid. In this day and age, people expect leaders of the free world to choose sides in that conflict. Even though that country doesn’t actually have a stake in that fight. The Crusader Christians and the Muslims that fight them still exist today, and still kill each other after all that time. Of course, everyone says it’s for other reasons now. But it really all comes down to the same thing. Pick a god and fight to the death. The sad part is that they are both fighting over the same god.”

  “I guess I wasn’t ready for that one,” Tawny said. “They both believe in the same god? So why fight?”