The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Goddamn it all!

  The Seer of the Mists began to laugh as the hood over his face slipped away, revealing that his eyes had grown back in. With the holes in his face filled, I realized with no small degree of horror that he looked disturbingly familiar.

  That’s when it hit home. He was in the vision Calibra had shown me, the one whose neglect had caused the accident that had created her.

  That meant he was old, older than everything here save her, which made him far faster and more powerful than I’d have ever guessed. This was driven home as the bearded creep launched himself at both Zyra and another Drac in the time it took me to process all of this.

  Calibra let out a long, hearty laugh. “I should thank you, Macedonian. I may be the First, but you have unwittingly returned my second to me after all these long years.”

  Son of a bitch. Alex had explained to me a while back that the cave sages were a holdover from the time of Ib, but I figured he meant they were groupies who somehow managed to plea bargain their way down from an immediate dusting. If what I was hearing was correct, at least some of them – this guy definitely – were present at Calibra’s rebirth. The first vampires ... the true First Coven, if you would.

  There came a flash of light and the unnamed Drac was dusted. Then it was Zyra’s turn. The Seer powered her to her knees and slit her throat with his dagger, taking her head clean off.

  Three of the Draculas gone in the space of a minute. That left seven, including Alex and James. Almost down to half strength. There were no doubt gonna be some vamps who woke up tomorrow surprised to learn they’d just gotten the mother of all promotions.

  That was assuming there would even be a First Coven tomorrow, something that was now sorely in doubt.

  But not if I had any say in it ... or something like that anyway.

  I launched myself forward, closing the distance faster than most people could blink. Calibra heard me coming, but turned too late to do anything about it. She caught my shoulder in the back, enough force behind it to tip over a semi. That sent her stumbling forward, where Gaius and two other members of the Dracs awaited her.

  Unfortunately, in my rush to do something, I’d left myself open for third eye not-so-blind guy. He socked me good on the side of the jaw, knocking me down. It wasn’t enough to keep me there, though. I rolled to my feet just in time to catch his wrist before he could slice my face off.

  Ugh!

  Talk about strong. But I was currently no lightweight myself. Besides, this guy’s biceps didn’t hold a candle to mine. It would be plain embarrassing for a buff hunk like me to lose to this emaciated asshole.

  After a few moments of back and forth struggle, it became clear we were pretty evenly matched with regard to power, which didn’t help much since he had a massive edge in experience ... even if most of that experience involved huffing paint fumes in a cave.

  I contemplated my options. A solid punch to the nuts? Always a classic, but not nearly as effective against ancient zealots.

  Throwing dirt in his face? Nah. It was probably safe to say his blind-fighting skills were off the charts.

  Wait! This guy wasn’t used to seeing, which meant maybe ... err ... I could stick my tongue out at him?

  While I was busy contemplating whether funny faces were an effective combat tactic, he stepped back and drove a kick to my chest, knocking me on my ass.

  Sadly, he wasn’t the type to quip one-liners before finishing off his foe. He straddled me – answering the question of whether he and his buddies wore anything under their robes, eww – then raised the dagger above his head, preparing to add a fourth kill to his record this day.

  I was quick to defend myself, but someone else was quicker. Thunder, or something like it, rang out in the cavern before he could bring the blade down, and the seer’s stomach exploded, spraying me with intestinal goo.

  He’d been hit by something of a large caliber, almost like the bullets found in a...

  “I can’t leave you alone for five fucking minutes.”

  I leaned back and saw the upside down, from my vantage point anyway, form of Sally striding my way, a comically large gun in her hand.

  The seer leapt back to his feet to face her. Unfortunately, Desert Eagle or not, she was dealing with a vampire who would be healed in seconds at most.

  Or would have healed, if I didn’t pick that moment to punch skyward with everything I had, smashing my fist into his ancient nuts and sending him careening off me. Before I could make my next move, though, I realized Sally had brought reinforcements. A red lance of magic cut through the air from the same direction she had come. It hit the asshole midflight, bisecting him. He came crashing back to the ground in two pieces, his lower half quickly turning to dust.

  Sally stepped in and offered a hand to help me up. “Get your ass moving and let’s see if we can’t unfuck up this mess you caused.”

  It was so nice to have friends who cared.

  Pit Stop

  First thing on my list was to ensure that number two got eighty-sixed.

  I grabbed hold of the formerly eyeless, now dickless, weirdo by the back of his robes. His body had been cauterized below the waist. Fine by me – I didn’t fancy being showered in crazy guy innards.

  As for what to do with the still-cackling fucker, that was easy, especially since Calibra was having a grand old time zapping people with my best friend.

  “Sorry to break it to you, number two, but you’re a piece of shit.” Still holding the nutball, I spun, built up some momentum, then let him fly.

  Calibra looked up at the last moment and let out a scream of outrage, but it was too late. The deadly magic was already flaring out of Tom’s body. I’d never thrown anything so far or straight in my life, but luck was with me. Calibra’s secret weapon slash boyfriend hit the energy blast in much the same way a moth might fly into a bug zapper.

  With a flash of light and crackle of high voltage, number two got erased from the equation.

  Calibra turned toward me. “You killed my second.”

  “Sorry, bitch, but that’s just another name for the first fucking loser.” Then I dove for it as a bolt of energy came flying my way. I had to admit, this new body of mine was mighty handy when it came to dodging after one-liners.

  Thankfully, James and his platoon of vamps picked that moment to appear at Sally’s side and open fire, forcing Calibra back on the defensive.

  We weren’t home free by any stretch of the imagination. Still, every man, woman, and monster was fighting with everything they had. I even saw Grulg, chained up as he was, take out a few Jahabich who’d wandered too close. Bad as his situation looked, even he seemed to know it could only get worse if Calibra won.

  As for the queen bitch herself, she was none too pleased at the arrival of my reinforcements. “KNEEL!!”

  All subtlety was gone from this compulsion. I was pretty sure that if she threw out enough of them, the entire cave would collapse in on itself. That would certainly be a roundabout way of winning, but it wouldn’t leave much left for a victory celebration.

  Once my teeth stopped rattling, I spied many of the combatants – vampires, humans, mages, and even a few other things – down on their knees. James, Sally, and their group, however, remained standing.

  Fuck yeah!

  Judging by the surprised looks on their faces, even they hadn’t expected it.

  Fortunately, Sally was never one to let an opportunity for snark pass. “What is the sound of one hand telling you to go fuck yourself? Oh yeah, this.” She raised her middle finger and flipped Calibra the bird.

  Hah! The first part of Christy’s spell crafting had worked. Now to see if the other had a shot in hell. If so, we could end this.

  Alex’s people once more began to lay the pressure on Calibra, while most of James’s group broke off to engage the other myriad enemies. It gave me a chance to approach my friends.

  James looked me over for a moment and nod
ded in approval. “Most impressive.”

  “At least until he opens his mouth,” Sally replied.

  I let out a derisive snort. “I’ve already had enough fists in mine, thanks.”

  “As well as other things, I’m sure.”

  “Wonderful to see you too,” I said to her. “Where’s Christy and the others?”

  “The shooting gallery is right behind us.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder. Beyond, I could see Calibra’s rock palace, or the remains of it anyway.

  “Looks like you guys rocked the Casbah.”

  “And then some.” She beckoned me to follow. “Let’s go.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I found Kelly and Veronica helping Christy along, although she didn’t seem happy for the assistance. A pair of vamps from James’s crew had stuck around to guard them from any Jahabich who got too close, but from the looks on the younger witches’ faces, they were more than aware they were basically packages of chop meat being guarded by hungry wolves.

  Sally, being the perceptive type, told the bloodsuckers, “Go help James.”

  The two, both probably much older than her, basically scoffed at her order. Even in the face of ultimate evil, some vamps couldn’t stop being assholes. Sadly, thanks to Christy’s workings, I couldn’t compel them to get the fuck out of my face. Oh well. Sometimes you gotta use the carrot instead of the stick.

  “Listen, guys, I appreciate you watching out for my friends, but pissing off The Wanderer’s pal as well as the Freewill isn’t going to win you any brownie points in this mess.” When in doubt, appeal to a vampire’s sense of not wanting to tick off their betters. Remembering my newly buff self, I cracked my knuckles to emphasize the point. They exchanged a quick glance, then took off to join the battle, leaving us alone for the moment.

  “Thanks,” Christy said. “I really didn’t want to have to kill those guys. Will you stop trying to help me! I can walk.”

  “Barely,” Kelly chided before turning to me. “Yeah, thanks. I had a feeling those creeps were about a minute away from breaking out the barbecue sauce.”

  “Don’t blame them,” I said. “Calibra didn’t exactly keep her prisoners well fed. Well, okay, you can probably blame them a little.” I turned toward Christy. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded, then pulled away from her two helpers as if to emphasize the point.

  “Good. Because if you’re going to do that spell of yours, it really should be now.”

  “Meg?” Veronica asked.

  I gave a single shake of my head. “I was too late.”

  Kelly kicked at a small pile of rocks on the ground. “Shit!”

  “Is she...?” Christy asked.

  “Yes and no,” I replied. “They killed her and threw her in. She came back out and...”

  “And what?” she demanded.

  “And I decked her before she could turn. She’s lying back there, out cold. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do or not, but I had to try.”

  “Wait, you punched Meg?” Kelly asked.

  “A couple of times, actually.”

  “Oh, she is going to be pissed.”

  “She’s going to be a slave to her White Mommy if you don’t do something,” Sally said.

  “Don’t call her that,” Christy warned, then addressed everyone. “Go get Meg and bring her back here to me. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do for her, but we can at least ensure she has the same chances as the rest of us when this spell goes off.”

  “Any idea what those chances are?” Sally asked.

  Christy shrugged. “Let’s just say I hope you didn’t make any good plans for tonight.”

  “Nothing quite like going out with a bang,” I remarked.

  Sally laughed. “Closest you’re going to get to the real thing.”

  “Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I look now.” I stepped back and took a deep breath. We could snipe at each other later, if we survived. “Okay, rest break is over. We’ll retrieve Meg and buy you whatever time you need.”

  Christy nodded. “Keep them off of us. We need to get near The Source, set up the spell right on its shore for this to work.”

  “Isn’t that a little too close?” Sally asked.

  “If this backfires, then everywhere on the planet could be a little too close.”

  “Point taken.”

  “Good. After you get Meg, I need you two to find everyone you can and get them here.”

  I glanced at the chaos behind us. Magic, gunfire, and screams of pain echoed all around. “Easier said than done.”

  “Try. Even if this works perfectly, I don’t know what will happen. We may need to send ourselves out of here in a hurry.”

  “I don’t think there’s going to be a second bus, if you get my drift,” Kelly added. “Get your roommates, find Sheila, and get your asses back here ... oh shit! How are we gonna get out of here with her?”

  I looked down at my feet, unable to tell them that wasn’t going to be a concern any longer, when Sally said, “Don’t worry about Xena Warrior Templar for now. We’ll figure it all out after we find her.”

  “Listen, guys,” I said. “I have bad news.”

  “Tom!” Christy gasped.

  “No. It’s Sheila, she...”

  “Tom,” she repeated. That’s when I realized she was looking over my shoulder at the battle behind us. Oh no!

  “TOM!”

  She pushed past me. I tried to grab hold of her arm but quickly jerked my hand back as a red glow enveloped her, making touching her akin to sticking my hand on a hotplate.

  “Don’t,” I warned. “We’ll save him. I promise...”

  “You fucking whore,” Christy snarled, her eyes focused on Calibra, who was still using her boyfriend as the world’s deadliest piñata. “You goddamned bitch!” She let loose a scream of rage that rivaled anything that could come out of even Gan’s mouth.

  I was at a loss what to do, but thankfully, Sally wasn’t. She stepped forward and raised the butt of her oversized gun. “Sorry about this.”

  Christy, still facing away from us, made the barest of gestures with her hand and a bright blue surge of power nailed both Sally and me, knocking us to the ground.

  “Oh shit!” Kelly cried out, but she was a second too late.

  With a flash of light and a snarl of anger, Christy vanished from in front of us.

  Total Fucking Chaos

  The stun spell didn’t have much effect on me, other than putting me on my ass. I recovered in time to see Christy reappear in the middle of the battle.

  “Goddamnit!” I cried, slamming my fist into the rocky ground and gouging a good chunk out of it.

  I glanced over to find Sally still twitching. She’d be okay, but I couldn’t afford to wait for her. I turned to Kelly and Veronica, standing there with their mouths hanging open. “You two, make sure Sally’s fine and then start that fucking spell. I’m gonna go get Christy.”

  “We can’t,” Veronica said, her voice near panic.

  I so didn’t need this right now. Fine, comfort giver it was. “Sure you can. I believe in you guys. You can do anything you set your minds to.”

  “It’s not that, idiot,” Kelly snapped. “We literally can’t do it. We only know part of the spell. Christy’s the only one who knows how to complete it. Harry did too, but he’s...”

  “Not going to be able to help much,” I finished. Fuck! “Why didn’t she teach you the rest?”

  “Sorry, there hasn’t been much time for study hall lately.”

  Well, if that wasn’t the croutons in this shit salad, I didn’t know what was. “Just fucking great! What do we do now?”

  Kelly put her hands on her hips. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe keep Christy from dying?”

  She had a good point and, of all of us, I was currently the best candidate for the job.

  “Lay down some covering fire, but stay back.” Kelly nodded
, then I added, “And try not to hit me.”

  “No promises,” she replied with a grin.

  I turned back to the battle, debating how best to fuck up everyone’s day. As tired and beaten down as Christy was, she was throwing some serious magic Calibra’s way and not being too careful about it. I watched as two of Alex’s men got ashed when they tried to flank Calibra and got hit instead.

  “Cocksucking bitch!” All the while, Tom continued to curse in midair, sending out blasts of energy at Calibra’s command. It was only a matter of time before one of them was headed Christy’s way. I needed to...

  “What the hell is that?”

  “Huh?” I glanced back over my shoulder to find Kelly pointing toward The Source. I was about to tell her to stop gawking at the giant spooge pool when the light in the cavern changed ever so slightly, the red hue becoming a bit softer.

  What the...?

  I turned toward The Source and what I saw caused me to momentarily forget my mission. A brilliant white glow shined right below the surface, growing brighter as whatever was causing it moved toward the shore. A moment later, a dome of blinding white energy broke the surface, seeming to push the magical orange goo away on all sides.

  No way. It wasn’t possible.

  Yet somehow, it was.

  “What the fuck is she doing in there?” Kelly asked from behind me.

  I was at a complete loss of words as Sheila became visible from within the aura. Not only was she standing, somehow whole again, but she looked pissed. The energy pouring off of her was easily the most powerful I’d seen it, so intense that she was somehow able to keep the primal energies of The Source at bay around her.

  “Is she one of them?” Veronica asked nervously.

  “I don’t think so,” I replied. The Jahabich possessed the forms, but not the powers of their former hosts. Decker hadn’t been able to perform magic, and I doubted Starlight needed blood to survive now. If Sheila’s powers were intact, then that meant she was, too, or so I had to hope.