The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Calibra raised an eyebrow at my idle threats, then smiled. All at once, the heat from before returned, this time set to broil. Behind her, the Magi and the Jahabich engaged Alex’s forces.

  If I was destined to join Sheila, then at least I had one solace: despite the power of Calibra’s forces, it appeared they were fighting a losing battle.

  Dozens of Alex’s vamps had brought sledgehammers, flails, or maces to the party, which they used to split open rocky heads left and right. As for the Magi, between the chunk my friends had taken out of their considerable numbers and the shock of still trying to figure out what to make of their so-called goddess, they didn’t appear to have their full hearts in the fight. Pity for them, because Alex had seemingly given orders to take no prisoners. Hell, from the looks of things, Druaga’s forces had free rein to eat whoever the fuck they wanted to.

  It was fitting that The Source bathed this cave in a glow not unlike that of blood, because soon it was going to be drenched in it. For perhaps the first time since becoming a vampire, I didn’t mind that thought at all.

  My hair burst aflame and my skin charred, but still, I held on. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, not if there was a chance I could still have my pound of flesh. I let the anger that was Dr. Death feed me, using Sheila’s death as a fuel source. The only question now was which was stronger – my rage or Calibra’s magic? Powerful as I was, I had limits. I just had to hope not to hit them before...

  And then I was free. In an instant, the heat evaporated and I fell to the ground. The fuck?

  I looked up and, as my eyeballs stopped steaming, saw that Calibra’s body was covered in multiple spots of blood, including a hole just above her right eyelid. The wound closed almost immediately, such was her ability to heal, but the bullet had been enough for her to lose concentration.

  With any luck, I would live long enough to thank the shooter. For now, it was time to add some bloody icing to this cake.

  I launched myself at her, using everything my still healing body possessed. It would have been enough to plow through a concrete wall and keep going.

  That was assuming I connected, which I didn’t. It was almost unreal how fast she was.

  A backhand caught me midair, shattering my jaw and sending me flying away, over the still prone form of Meg and into a platoon of Jahabich. Shit! I’d forgotten about her. I was failing friends left and right this day.

  Well, no more!

  Okay, fine. No more, just as soon as several tons of rock monster finished shit-stomping me. I was a lot stronger and tougher than them, but flat on my face with a bunch of them pounding my backside – and yes, that sounded wrong to me, too – didn’t leave a lot of leverage for a counterattack.

  My flesh parted, then healed again with every blow, but my senses were still keen enough to hear the sounds of battle around me. Fists, guns, blades, magic – all of it rang out in a cacophony of chaos.

  Then it all became muffled as a club fist slammed into my back and became lodged in my flesh. I was dragged to my feet, where my head was immediately engulfed by the mouth of a Jahabich.

  Ewww.

  Fucking gross. Useless, too. Had I been my normal self, this fucker would have bitten my noggin clean off. Instead, it was a minor effort on my part to send the top of its head sailing off into the distance.

  I was still being swarmed, but the asshole had stupidly given me a fighting chance and I used it to pulverize those nearest me.

  Much as I hated to admit it, there were different degrees of evil in this hellhole, and it was probably wise to align myself with the asshole who was the lesser one in the grand scheme of things. I needed to get to where Alex and his buddies were battling it out.

  Another explosion rattled the cavern. Shit! Make that I needed to get to them before they accidentally blew the cave up around us.

  My claws extended and I started shredding my way through Jahabich like they were made of lettuce instead of rock. As if I already wasn’t particularly fond of salads.

  Now where was ... of course. In the center of things. I caught sight of Alex as he twisted a mage’s head clean off, discarding the pieces as if they were nothing.

  To Alex’s left, Gaius, Zyra, and a few other members of the First whose names I didn’t catch were taking apart everything they could get their hands on.

  To the other side stood Yehoshua, Kathryn, eyeless freak, and Druaga. The sage had that shit-eating grin on his face again, but otherwise wasn’t doing much, save throwing out the occasional creepy old man hiss at anything that got close. Druaga looked bored, but then most everything seemed to be giving him a wide berth. Can’t say I blamed them. All of a sudden, Calibra felt like only the second scariest thing in the room.

  Yehoshua dispatched two Jahabich, then looked my way, one brow raised questioningly, but then he gave me a brief nod. Note to self: team up with that guy if possible.

  Things were looking promising. What Alex’s forces lacked in magic, they made up for with guns ... lots of them. Several of the Magi had managed to get shields up, but many more lay dead or dying. The Jahabich definitely had the numbers advantage, something they were using with brutal efficiency. But the more Jahabich that joined the fray, the less were left to act as prison walls, which meant more reinforcements for our side, even if they were sickly and beaten down.

  A beam of red-hot magic caught my attention, lancing out and reducing at least three of the vampire elite to ash. It was Calibra. Despite her forces being slowly driven back, she was holding her ground, her back to The Source and a disturbingly calm look on her face. Either she was planning something or she was an idiot.

  I really hoped for the latter, but I wasn’t about to bet my life savings on it. Nevertheless, if she was distracted enough, then maybe I had a chance to step in and do something useful, like extract her fucking spine and shank her with it.

  Yeah, that might be ever so slightly satisfying.

  Her eyes found and locked on Alex in the fray. “Die, Macedonian!” A lance of power flowed out from The Source to her, igniting her body in a red glow that made even Christy’s bad moods seem tame in comparison. She released the spell, a supernova compared to the run-of-the-mill death rays everyone else was throwing around. Ten feet wide and hot enough that it singed my eyebrows from where I stood, it burned a path toward Alex, instantly disintegrating everything in its path – both friend and foe.

  Alex saw it coming. He stopped fighting and held his arms wide open as if he’d just spotted an old college buddy. Holy shit! This was it. Calibra was going to do half of our job for us. Sadly, it was the half we’d been hoping to save for last.

  Instead of turning him into a pile of crispy critters, though, the spell stopped about two feet from him as if hitting an invisible barrier. The tremendous bolt of power continued to push ineffectively toward the vampire leader until it finally fizzled away to nothing.

  Surprise shone on Calibra’s face for a moment, but she quickly covered it up. She nodded ever so slightly, a knowing look appearing upon her face as Druaga stepped in front of Alex.

  “Did you think I would not be prepared for you?” Alex shouted over the din.

  A buzzing noise began to sound inside my head, as if a million cockroaches were nesting in my frontal lobe. A moment later, Druaga’s voice filled my mind and presumably the minds of everyone here.

  Well done, vampire. You promised me worthy sport. It is not often that my allies are able to deliver upon such boasts.

  Color me gobsmacked. For all the planning and fretting I’d done with my friends, I never once thought to ask a death god for help. Who’d have guessed all Alex had to do was convince one insanely powerful immortal to kill another?

  Much as I despised him with every fiber of my being, I had to give him kudos. There was a fucker who thought ahead.

  Come, witch. See if you are worthy to face one who has conquered countless worlds, enslaved billions, and been witness to the very act of creation itse
lf.

  At the very least, it looked like Dru had brought enough ego to this fight. The self-absorbed monstrosity probably called out his own name during sex.

  Two of Druaga’s four eyes swiveled in their sockets toward me.

  Ah, Freewill. I am glad you remember your offer to mate with my kind. Perhaps once I dispatch this nuisance, you may fulfill your vow.

  Shit!

  I was just about to yell out that I was kinda already married, but Calibra spared me the indignity as her voice echoed throughout the chamber. “You are a fool to waste your allies so carelessly, Macedonian. Or did you think I would not be prepared for you?” she mocked.

  Again she reached out to The Source and let loose with a spell of such tremendous power that it caused the very ground beneath us to rumble. It was so bright as to almost be painful to look at. Bitch had pulled out all the stops and fired her own version of the wave motion cannon at Druaga.

  This one didn’t appear to be as easily dismissed as her last blast, but the gecko from Hell wasn’t exactly a lightweight. He held his arms out wide and his eyes glowed. A crackle of power appeared before him, stopping Calibra’s spell in its tracks.

  It was pretty goddamned impressive, kinda like that time Thanos took on Odin.

  Despite looking like something that could have blasted its way through a mountain, little by little, Druaga started to force Calibra’s spell back.

  Oh yeah! Bitch should have watched more movies. She might’ve learned the painful lesson the Japanese knew: you do not fuck with Godzilla!

  Sweat stood out on Calibra’s brow, evident even in the near blinding light of the spell pouring off of her, but despite The Source backing her up, it looked to be a losing battle on her part. Now, if only Druaga would do us all the favor of killing Alex next, then my job here would be so much fucking easier.

  However, rather than slump down in defeat or beg for mercy, like someone sane might do when clearly outclassed, Calibra actually smiled.

  What the...?

  She disengaged one hand from her spell and began gesturing with it.

  What the hell was she doing?

  A bright flash of light appeared about twenty feet over her head like a miniature sun, brilliant enough so as to overpower the perpetual red gloominess that hung over everything.

  A bolt of what looked to be lightning lanced from it toward Calibra. Rather than vaporize her, though, it wrapped itself around her body as if tethering itself to her.

  Then, without warning, a much larger blast of energy shot out from it and struck Druaga. His voice snarled inside my head and he raised a hand to attempt to fend it off.

  It was a mistake.

  His attention divided, his counter-spell could no longer hold against Calibra’s. Before he could mount a defense against both, the monstrous cascade of power emanating from her slammed into him and engulfed him whole.

  The snarl in my head turned into a scream, so loud I was certain I’d pop a blood vessel, then Druaga’s body exploded in a blinding blast of multicolored light.

  I had no way of knowing if he’d actually been vaporized or just banished back to the land of the lost, but when the light cleared, he was gone.

  Apparently, my thought process was in need of correction. You didn’t fuck with Godzilla, not unless you brought the Oxygen Destroyer with you, which Calibra seemingly had.

  All around the cavern, a keening hiss rose up. With Druaga gone, so too was whatever tether kept his forces here. The lizard men who’d come charging in alongside the vampires all abruptly began to melt.

  Gross to watch, but probably not particularly fun to experience either.

  Calibra had just done the impossible. She’d defeated a god and, in doing so, probably us as well. But how?

  The answer came a moment later in the worst possible way imaginable.

  The energy attack, which had come out of the miniature sun, dissipated and the light emanating from it dimmed considerably, allowing me to see the source of the power.

  It was Tom.

  Playing to a Packed House

  Tom was still wearing his human glamour. It looked intact, save for an ugly gash in his chest from which power appeared to be crackling forth.

  Shit! Calibra had somehow tapped into the Apollo’s Prism and was using it, and my friend, as a weapon of mass destruction.

  “Fuck you, bitch!” he shouted down to her.

  Or maybe that was weapon of ass destruction. Whatever the case, I’d lost track of him when we’d arrived and foolishly let myself hope that he was okay. I couldn’t have been more wrong had I tried. And that made yet another friend of mine this bitch had victimized.

  Enough was enough, but how? She’d defeated a fucking god, for Christ’s sake. Even worse, her victory seemed to rally her troops and they began fighting back in earnest.

  She wasn’t finished yet, though. That lance of energy was still present between her and Tom. More than ever, I began to suspect I was right – that it was a tether between them, a way for her to control the massive power sustaining his body.

  Calibra herself looked winded from the amount of magic she’d just expended. The glow around her had faded away to nothing. Using Tom as her personal Death Star seemed to be her fallback, though. More bolts of energy flew from the gash in his chest, utterly vaporizing any of Alex’s troops unlucky enough to be hit.

  She wasn’t finished with the surprises yet either. She had at least one more party favor up her sleeve. “SERVE ME, YOUR TRUE MASTER!!”

  The compulsion went out wide. It washed over me, doubling my vision for a moment, but fortunately, this new Dr. Death physique of mine seemed to be a bit more durable when it came to not getting my head psychically blown off. That was a plus.

  But it was a small plus at best, as a portion of Alex’s men opened fire on their own number. Even more were rooted to the spot, making them easy prey for mage and Jahabich alike.

  “THE WILL OF THE FIRST IS YOUR WILL!! REMEMBER WHERE YOUR LOYALTY LIES AND RESIST!!”

  Whereas Calibra’s compulsions had an odd grace about them, Alex’s were raw, unadulterated power. Dust fell from the cavern rooftop as his counter-command blasted through the place. He and the rest of his coven had no doubt been hard at work insulating their people as best they could, and the results showed. Many of those who Calibra managed to ensnare shook her off. As a nice side effect, several mages in my line of sight fell to the ground clutching their heads, knocked for a loop.

  Calibra pointed Alex’s way and more energy flew from Tom’s body, but it had been anticipated. By the time it struck, there was nothing standing in the spot she was aiming for save the rocky floor.

  Most of the First Coven regrouped, this time closer to Calibra. Even the blind weirdo somehow stayed in step with them.

  It was high time for me to follow their lead.

  The battle between lizard god and White Mother over, the Jahabich resumed trying to ruin my day, necessitating me returning the favor several times over.

  As I smashed heads and tore arms off, working my way back in her direction, I spared the occasional glance to check on how things were going. The game of cat and mouse continued – Calibra using my roommate against the First Coven with them scattering, then regrouping slightly closer than before.

  If this kept up, they’d be within striking distance soon and that seemed to be the plan. I couldn’t help but notice the majority of Alex’s troops were busy dividing their time between creating rock gardens and planting Magi corpses in them. The big guns themselves were reserved for Calibra.

  Strong as she was, I doubted she could fend off all of them. So much the better if I got there in time. Hell, I’d happily hold her down while the Dracs took turns shitting in her mouth, if that’s the way they wanted to play it.

  First things first, though. Meg started to stir from where she lay. I still had no idea if we could save her, but that didn’t mean I should stop trying. I’d already faile
d Sheila in the worst way possible, something I would need to live with for the rest of my life. Tom was in serious need of saving, too, but first I needed to keep the former witch from turning.

  I changed direction slightly as I continued to press forward, leaving a trail of dead or dismembered Jahabich in my wake.

  Meg sat up just as I cleared their ranks. Calibra was still preoccupied trying to flash fry the Dracs, so that left me with a clear shot to her.

  “Huh? What happ...” was all Meg managed to get out before I clobbered her again. I really hoped Christy was able to help her, because I was starting to feel kinda bad about continually punching her lights out.

  Speaking of Christy, with any luck she was making good progress on her spells. She’d asked me to keep Calibra occupied and, well, if this wasn’t a hell of a distraction, I didn’t know what was. With any luck, she’d show up on the scene soon and make with the Jahabich-ending magic.

  For now, though, I definitely had enough to keep me occupied.

  There! Another missed blast from Tom – still cursing out Calibra midair – and Alex’s minions were within striking range.

  “You miscalculated, witch,” Yehoshua said, stepping into flank with Gaius.

  Alex stepped forward and drew his sword as the rest, crazed sage included, spread out to surround her. “Indeed. Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This time, however, the First shall ensure you do not slip away like a thief in the night upon your defeat.”

  Calibra merely laughed. “For all your vaunted leadership, you truly are blind, Macedonian, even more so than the sages you keep locked up in your caves. For they see the truth. No matter how long you have kept them under your thumb, they have never stopped knowing where their true loyalty lies. Is that not right, my love?”

  There came a sudden black blur of motion, then Yehoshua let out a gasp as the blind weirdo appeared behind him and stabbed him through the back with his double-tipped dagger.

  The elder vamp’s eyes opened wide in surprise as the sage revealed himself to be a Judas in disguise. To his credit, Yehoshua refused to cry out and give his attacker the satisfaction. Instead, he simply put his hands together as if in prayer before bursting aflame from within and turning to dust. The only other member of the Dracs, aside from James, that I considered to be worth a damn was gone.