The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  Challenging the fear of being alone takes willingness to trust in other people during the first phase of separation. It helps to write about the times that you have survived leaving or being left.

  The Child has little recall of the joys that followed escaping a bad situation. The Child focuses on the memory of the pain of early separations. It will help you immensely if you turn to others for support the moment you decide to leave an unhealthy dependency. Lean on friends, family, and trustworthy professionals for the reassurance that you’ll survive this hard time. There is no shame in admitting you need assistance to take the steps from abuse to freedom.

  Assessing If It’s Time to Leave

  You both felt the joy of connection when starting out and threw off the shame and limits of past relationships. You showed each other your finest selves as you had endless conversations searching for similarities and positive reflection. You not only adored each other, you felt lovable and worthwhile to yourself.

  No relationship can stay for long in this first phase of adoration. You’ll need to make room after the initial thrill for returning to a more separate sense of self. The Adult wants time alone, and your Protector starts looking for signs of rejection.

  This signals the entry into the second phase, where you begin to explore the deeper parts of the relationship. You start to recognize the impact of your differences and find yourselves in conflict. Old habits reappear. Less time is spent sharing thoughts and ideas, and more time is spent talking about problems. Your individual unhealthy trust patterns from long before you met reassert themselves. This can create disappointments and misunderstandings:

  Tender revelations diminish, and the need for privacy is reasserted.

  The ease of saying no to bad habits is gone, and cravings are back, despite promises.

  Fascination and blind acceptance are replaced by the impulse to blame and assume.

  Fear of rejection shuts down the easy flow of opinions, desire, and playfulness.

  Once-attractive habits and appearances are cause for complaint.

  The Benefits from These Cycles

  Every meaningful relationship goes through several cycles, and the second phase is a necessary part. A cycle is triggered when there is a felt betrayal. The shock of feeling disconnected provides a chance to ask each other if it’s time to let go. A return to honest sharing makes leaving unnecessary. Each cycle is an opportunity to understand more about each other and to resolve healthy conflicts. You form new trust patterns each time, and intimacy deepens.

  Your relationship is in serious difficulty if you cling to distrust and assumptions rather than talk things through. Nothing can replace trust as proof of love. You may believe that letting go of the whole relationship is the only available choice when things feel rocky. It isn’t. There is a final part of the cycle, and that is when the two of you assess the relationship.

  Assessing the Relationship Together

  Assessment means that you both examine your feelings and assumptions about each other and the relationship. To your Child selves, looking closely at the pros and cons of staying together will feel almost as scary as leaving. It is essential to go about this in a manner that is fair and respectful. “Five Steps toward Honesty” in chapter 8 gives you a tool that you can use together. You may need to dedicate time and money for couples counseling, self-help books, or personal retreats. The reward can be in the rediscovery of your mutual compassion and understanding. The risk is that you’ll find out that you’re not equally invested in improving the relationship. This knowledge will help you maintain your integrity, so be kind and caring if you face the pain of separation.

  When They Refuse to Talk Things Over

  Making any relationship work is a shared responsibility. The root of “relationship” is relate, which means to tell. You’re enmeshed with someone who is unable to tolerate intimacy if he or she won’t talk or admit to a problem. Do any of these statements sound familiar?

  “Things are fine. We get along better than a lot of other couples.”

  “I’m doing my best. I’m not good with words like you.”

  “I’m not listening to you complain about our friendship. You’re just selfish.”

  “Therapy is a waste. You just want someone to take your side.”

  “I’m sick of listening to your whining about feelings. You’re crazy, not me.”

  “Talking only makes us fight. Let’s just have more sex, vacations, or fun.”

  When someone refuses to talk, tells you that the problems are all your fault, or becomes angry when you ask for closeness, stop asking. Walk away for a specified time. The relationship may be beyond saving if he or she doesn’t want to resolve painful issues. This is especially true when you see that the other person doesn’t want to support your needs and hear your feelings.

  Separation Can Help in Assessment

  Sometimes separating is the only way to see what’s not working in a relationship. The other person may be as scared as you have been, perhaps even more so, since you’re the one who’s reading this book and asking yourself these hard questions.

  A well-crafted separation agreement can bring both parties to a greater awareness of what to work on. Living apart will help you learn what you want individually as well as together. It’s often the only way to escape enmeshment.

  The Joy after Leaving

  After you finally decide to trust yourself to survive being alone, you will experience a reawakening of your true self. One story of a reawakening is told in a letter from Serafina. She had tried everything she could to reconnect with her husband.

  Serafina had been married to George for ten years and had adapted to his depression and dependence. George often told her that he loved her, but he was critical and sullen much of the time. Serafina’s friends asked why she stayed and her reply was, “We’re soul mates, and we’ll work it out.” When she had a miscarriage, George refused do the housework or physically care for her as she recovered. He grew impatient when she was cried, and questioned why she was grieving. That awoke her Adult to the fact that he didn’t understand her or want to care for her the way she did for him.

  George ignored her requests to talk. He said she was crazy and needy. Serafina went into therapy and worked hard on her own guilt and fears of abandonment. She recognized that for years she hadn’t really trusted George. She gave him a choice of talking honestly or leaving. Here is her letter to a best friend:

  George finally moved out on Thursday. He came by and was critical of our wonderful supportive friends and family, said I looked bad, and wasn’t interested in hearing about my new job. It was awful. I didn’t engage him in talk, just carried a few things out to his car and wished him well. I was emotionally exhausted and deflated when he drove away, but also more clear than I’ve been in months! This is the man I had been living with, denying the damage it had on my self-trust. I was buried under his fearful negativity. I carefully created a defense against it, which was to shut down. I was grateful for seeing this and felt sad for him. Yesterday I moved our wedding photos to the table of pictures of my friends and family. They fit there, with those whom I love. Last night I had dinner with friends. We played Pictionary and laughed so much and so hard, we were rolling on the floor. I went to bed giggling. I never thought I could feel this lightness and joy again. I realized that living with George was killing my life force, and my love and care could not help us. This is so big. I’m alive. I’ve made it.

  When Trust Is No Longer an Option

  Trust can be destroyed no matter how much you love someone. You lose trust each day if you are in a situation where you are frequently lied to, betrayed, or taken for granted. Asking for what you want is a courageous act. People who will not listen or respond to your request are not trustworthy. Two serious categories make trust no longer an option, addiction, and violence.

  Addictions Destroy Trust

  Chemical dependency and other addictions are perhaps the most common and lethal barriers
to trust. Honest dialogue is impossible. Part of the cycle of addiction is lying and hiding true feelings. Addicts have to minimize the problem to themselves. Denial controls the relationship.

  If you care about people whose addictions or compulsions are breaking all connection with you, their children, and life-enhancing activities, don’t wait for them to admit they have a problem. It is a loving gift to say you will separate unless they seek help. Leave if they don’t get support and guidance. This courageous act of trust is the only one that can give back meaningful lives to both of you.

  Abuse and Violence

  You are responsible to ensure your own emotional and physical survival. Saying you trust someone who consistently hurts you, even if they claim to be sorry later, is a betrayal of yourself. If you are terrified of being alone, your Child’s fears may be so strong that you put up with abuse rather than leave. It’s too difficult to address the fears of abandonment by yourself. Connect with someone who understands and will walk with you down the road to liberty.

  Contact an agency or counselor who specializes in domestic violence immediately if physical, financial, sexual, or verbal abuse is repeated. Even if you haven’t been physically abused but have been violated or hurt in other ways, their services are right for you.

  Preparing for the Next Chapter

  By now, you have gained self-awareness about how your Child, Protector, and Adult vie for control of whom, how, and when to trust. You have learned that the reactions of the Child are always worth your attention. They provide essential information for quickly identifying and changing unhealthy trust patterns.

  In chapter 10 you’ll be introduced to ways to increase intimacy with yourself and open to new dreams and possibilities.

  Chapter 10

  Trusting Yourself More Each Day

  My past doesn’t control my future!

  No matter how many betrayals you have suffered or have committed yourself, you can refuse to let them limit your potential. Turn the hurts from past betrayals into lessons, and make the decision to trust yourself.

  Julia Cameron describes the rewards from increasing self-trust: “When we trust ourselves, we become more humble and more daring. When we trust ourselves, we move surely. There is no unnecessary strain in our grasp as we reach out to meet life. There is no snatching at people and events, trying to force them to give us what we think we want. We become what we are meant to be. It is that simple. We become what we are, and we do it by being who we are, not who we strive to be” (2004, 112).

  Believing in yourself means opening to your inner wisdom and giving tenderness to the Child. You have learned the hardest truth in the healing of trust: security and self-love don’t result from other people loving you or being reliable.

  Self-trust is based on self-reliance. When you strengthen your Adult, you can dare to seek intimacy with another. The confidence you need to survive a rejection grows with every promise you keep with yourself and every time you overcome a self-betrayal.

  In Sofia Coppola’s film Lost in Translation (2003), one character says, “The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” Finding out who you really are increases your courage to trust.

  Increasing Self-Reliance

  The exercises in the first nine chapters asked you to explore your feelings and acknowledge your needs along with your fears. You’ll have the opportunity in this last chapter to answer questions about where you want to increase your self-reliance. It’s also the time to apply your skills in reaching out to include those you want to trust. You’ll reflect on what you’ve learned and have already changed about unhealthy patterns of trust.

  Moving forward and deepening trust with yourself requires that you

  become more trustworthy in your associations with others

  invite healthy and supportive relationships and reduce your dependence on associations that don’t support you

  nurture yourself by acknowledging what you want to improve while loving yourself as you are

  Becoming Trustworthy

  It is more important to be trusted for years than to be liked for a few minutes. Your Child self focuses on trusting others. Your Adult needs to work on becoming trustworthy and maintaining a balance among the three types of trust.

  It’s hard to deny the panicked cry of the Child who fears disappointing others and is always seeking acceptance. Responding to the Child’s fears supports the habits of making assumptions and hiding your truth. The Adult must gently insist on taking the wiser path of compassionate honesty. This will result in developing habits for a healthy trust pattern and will increase your faith in coping with the uncertainty of life and all your relationships.

  Habits That Build Trust with Yourself and Others

  Healthy habits are built by frequent, conscious practice. The following behaviors will heal the small cracks in trust and intimacy in your relationships, especially with yourself. As you practice these behaviors, your self-love and self-confidence will grow. Imagine how wonderful it would be to be part of a work scene, friendship, and family who are committed to these behaviors:

  Speak with compassionate honesty. Wait until you can speak with the authentic voice of your Adult self. Remember that everyone is confused and suffering at times. Don’t lie or speak harshly about yourself any more than you would of someone else.

  Express gratitude and courtesy to everyone. Never trust someone who is deliberately rude to a child, partner, or waiter. Say “please, thank you, nice to see you, excuse me” to those you love as much as you do to strangers.

  Make promises only if you intend to keep them. A casual remark can be taken as a promise. Consider it a compliment when someone takes you at your word.

  Put the people you love ahead of others. Ignore the telephone and turn off the television if you have a chance at real conversation. Write down friends’ birthdays in your calendar. Initiate loving exchanges.

  Say “I’m sorry” and mean it every time you hurt someone’s feelings. Apologize even if the betrayal was unintentional. “But I never intended to be critical” shows no compassion and compounds the hurt. Minimizing or shifting blame destroys trust more than the original mistake does.

  Clear up assumptions immediately. Assuming what others are thinking erodes trust. Speak directly to and not about others if you are in a conflict. Gossip feeds assumptions. Prepare alone and then invite them to talk.

  Make the commitment to lead your life with these habits, and others may want to join in. If they don’t, there can still be greater ease between you and other people. You are in charge of the depth of the trust you want to offer. If you are working hard to adopt these habits, and someone else is not, it is kinder to move him or her to a less intimate place in your circles of belonging than insist that they change.

  Choosing How Much to Reveal

  Many of us pretend to be more trusting of others and confident in ourselves than we actually feel. It’s part of our protective coloration to appear confident, regardless of our inner turmoil. Even if we have an abundance of confidence in some areas of our lives, we don’t feel it everywhere. People who know us well would be surprised to learn that we have as many doubts as we do. We’re quite good at pretending to be in our Adult selves more than we are. This can be a positive quality, unless it stops us from asking for what we want and need from those who trust us to be honest.

  You might want to review the “Five Steps toward Honesty” (chapter 8). Revealing your feelings and needs, including fear and hurt, increases the trust and intimacy.

  Among my personal heroes are people who spoke honestly of their doubts and failures, then overcame them. For inspiration, read the biographies of the strong and confident people you admire. Mine include Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mahatma Gandhi, Maya Angelou, Buckminster Fuller, Oprah Winfrey, Willie Nelson, and Albert Einstein. All had periods of self-doubt brought on by abuse and humiliation.

  What makes these lives worth studying is that these
people weren’t superheroes. After being betrayed and rejected, they all collapsed. They could not simply brush off tragedy and betrayal any more than you could. What they lost and found again, however, was the courage to trust in themselves. They forgave but didn’t pretend to trust who those betrayed them. They redefined relationships in their own circles of belonging. They spoke of finding a greater perspective to support them through their darkest hours and pull them into the light.

  Trusting Is Never All or Nothing

  Trusting someone is not an all-or-nothing experience. Many of us viewed our parents as the measure of perfection and felt betrayed when we learned that they couldn’t be trusted completely. Then we tried having perfect trust in a best friend or first love, telling them our dreams and most embarrassing fears. These relationships were in serious jeopardy if they voiced the slightest disapproval.

  This was confusing love with trust, and both love and trust were expected to be perfect. It follows that if someone disappointed us, the trust and love were either gone or never there, which was another profound betrayal.

  You have figured out by now that people are not to be universally trusted, nor are relationships to be measured by how long they last. It is the Child’s desire to have perfect trust about all things, all the time, in every relationship. To prevent a constant feeling of betrayal, your Adult needs a more moderate expectation of relationships. This means you can love those you can’t trust absolutely, but intimacy and belonging are limited.