The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  Each relationship has a different purpose and place in your life. See trust as being segmented into categories to balance your expectations and reduce felt betrayals. Some people can be trusted to show up on time but are irresponsible about money; one person can keep a secret while another would make a better gossip columnist; a deliberate promise is different from a casual “see you later”; and so on, with each area of a relationship.

  This also makes the image in your mirror less horrifying. You do not have to get an A+ in every category to be worthy of trust. The next tool can help you assess and appreciate the overall picture of trust you have with another.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: Trust as a Pie Chart

  Choose a close relationship where you have a good foundation of trust. List all the areas of mutual interest, along with the characteristics that you value in others, such as “timeliness,” “compassion,” “responsibility,” “being a safe driver,” and “similar taste in movies.” If this is a lover, include “sex” and “romance” as categories.

  Be creative and include many topics from major to minor that reflect your unique relationship. Review the list of habits that build trust from earlier in this chapter and include any that are relevant. Read the whole exercise before beginning. Doing this exercise should take about fifteen minutes.

  In your journal:

  Draw a six-inch circle and divide it into a pie chart, with as many segments as you have categories, leaving a couple blank for later inspiration. Do the following steps. If you need help, see figure 2 as an example at the end of the exercise.

  Step 1. Label each segment with a topic.

  Step 2. Measure the trust you feel with this person in each category. Pretend that the center point represents 0 percent and the outer edge is 100 percent. Place a dot inside each pie segment to indicate where your current trust level is about that issue. If he or she forgot your birthday, “thoughtfulness” will be near the center. If he or she borrowed your car and returned it spotless, “responsibility” will have a dot near the outer edge. If he or she is a reckless driver, place the dot in the “being a safe driver” at the center, and so on for each topic. When done, connect the dots to produce a web.

  This is a fascinating way to challenge your assumptions. If you keep the chart current in a long-term relationship, you’ll see some dots move in and out and others remain stationary.

  Step 3. Compare your own trustworthiness on the same chart. Use a different colored pen and rate yourself within each category. Be fair and consider how the other person would rate your driving and helpfulness. This is an exercise in both humility and empathy. Now connect your dots to compare the different aspects.

  Step 4. What have you learned about the trustworthiness in this relationship? Are there any issues you want to address after doing this exercise? If so, you might want to revisit the preparation tools in chapter 8. Having a conversation with your “chart mate” can feel scary, but it is a quick way to build trust.

  What Do You Want to Change?

  We increase self-confidence when we explore what we want to change about ourselves. Considering positive changes helps us find the enthusiasm our Child lost in ambivalence and uncertainty. Ambivalence dulls desire. We no longer ask ourselves, “What would I do if I took charge of my life?”

  Would you consider a new career path, leave or invite a new relationship, or develop a business idea? You might decide to quit an unhealthy habit or begin a new healthy one. Revisit the ideas in chapter 6.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: If You Knew You Couldn’t Fail

  This exercise encourages you to ask yourself what you want from life. Allow yourself the freedom of the playful Child and brainstorm all the dreams you may have been denying.

  In your journal:

  Step 1: Take ten minutes to write down the areas where you want to experience success in the next couple of years. Include healing physical problems or addictions, finishing projects around the house, things you’d like to learn, places you want to travel, and big goals you’d like to achieve. Consider these: Lose twenty pounds, quit smoking, write a novel, adopt a child, learn to play the piano, remodel your home, live in Europe for six months, or learn to speak a foreign language.

  Step 2. Sort your dreams according to what you want to do first, second, and so on. Use your intuition and imagination. Rewrite your dream list, putting the dreams that call loudest to you at the top.

  Step 3. Choose one dream that feels big and important and somewhat daunting and another one that is smaller or more easily accomplished. Recognize your fears as belonging to the Child, feel the Adult’s excitement, and listen for the judgment of the Protector. You’ll be using these choices in the next exercise.

  Inviting the Support You Need

  Adding goals to your life is stressful, and you need to find the time and support to devote to them. You can do it all, but not by yourself. You can have it all, but not at the same time. Positive change requires examination of behaviors and situations that keep you too comfortable to be able to reach for your dreams.

  Assistance from others along with your own positive energy and sharp focus will accomplish big life changes. Make a place for new plans by reducing the clutter of old goals and “shoulds.” You may need to limit contact with people who do not want or know how to support your new choices.

  When you start something new, you are in an excited and fragile state of mind. Your Adult hasn’t done this new thing before, and your Child fears rejection if you fail. Embrace the habits and people who help you maintain your courage, and cut down on old behaviors and social contacts that slow you down on your new path.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: Creating a Magic Circle

  The purpose of this exercise is to support your success with a project or area of self-improvement. You can do this by asking specifically for the support you need. This exercise will take about thirty minutes and can be done all at once or in steps.

  In your journal:

  Draw a circle about six inches in diameter. Write one of the goals from the previous exercise in bold letters at the center. Read the rest of this exercise and look at the model (see figure 3) before you proceed.

  Step 1. Write inside the circle the names of people already in your life whom you want to ask for support. If you want to learn a new skill, think of anyone in your current circles of belonging who is adept in this area. Include acquaintances you admire. You’ll deepen your level of belonging when you invite them to support you.

  Step 2. Add categories of people who could serve as inspiration. Write down types of people you want to emulate, such as writers, artists, meditators, nonsmokers, the business-savvy, and so on. Don’t worry about where you’ll find them. Write down any name that occurs to you, even if you doubt this person has the time to help. Talented and disciplined people often enjoy sharing their passion with those who are serious about learning.

  Step 3. Add positive habits and disciplines to the circle that can support your goal. These might include walking, drinking more water, getting up early, or keeping a journal. List the books, classes, or study programs you’ll need.

  Step 4. On the outside of the circle, list the people, activities, and habits that could distract or discourage you. It may surprise you to see that people whom you love and trust in other ways need to be outside until you are further along. This means seeing less of companions who are not as focused on their own self-improvement. Get rid of the numbing activities that will take time from your goal. Include excesses such as television, junk food, alcohol, or reading every catalog and page in the newspaper.

  When I decided I was ready to write a book, I didn’t tell some close friends and family at first. I imagined them being overly concerned about missing me or that they would worry about me “doing too much.” Some, I feared, would question my ability to do this, and I needed no extra help in that regard. I decided to reach out to other writers, asking them for advice and counsel about how to proceed.

  I n
eeded to go to bed early, which meant limiting television, casual events, and late-night reading. I woke very early to write while feeling fresh. I added more meditation and exercise to the circle because of the increased stress. I still wanted to keep close contact with friends, so into the circle went “walking lunches” and gym dates. I needed to be obsessed and to have people around who understood and encouraged me to do this hard thing. My life changed. Many of my feared naysayers have turned out to be constant supporters because I was clear and focused. I also met and attracted new people, especially other writers who have become intimates.

  I learned that you can’t add unlimited people and activities to your life. This exhausts your enthusiasm and encourages failure. Having to “do it all right now, by yourself,” harms your chances at growth and is another example of self-betrayal.

  Nurturing Yourself

  Many of us were taught that taking care of ourselves was more about punishing ourselves into perfection. “I have to take better care of myself” is usually expressed with a sigh while helplessly looking in the mirror.

  “Nurturing yourself” should call up a very different image. You might be terrific at nurturing others but have been omitting yourself. How good are you at

  feeding and protecting your family?

  encouraging others to develop their potential?

  giving up your limited spare time for loved ones’ happiness?

  paying for treatment for friends because you love them?

  How high you are on the list of people whom you consider important and loved enough to be nurtured by you?

  Becoming Your Own Best Friend

  Eleanor Roosevelt believed in self-nurturing. She wrote, “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” A terrific way to increase trust with yourself is to put your name first on the list whenever you dare. It is also important to avoid activities that harm you or are the opposite of nurturing.

  What would you think of someone who prevented friends from feeding themselves well, spending time developing their talents, or denying their healthy pleasures and self-care?

  Imagine that an old friend comes to stay with you for a few months. She takes total control of your life, choosing your daily behaviors, arranging your schedule, and reordering your priorities. To keep her happy, you

  overeat with her, bingeing on sweets and avoiding vegetables

  keep the television on “for company,” constantly surfing for the least awful show

  avoid the little tasks that could keep you organized, like putting things away

  skip daily disciplines, like writing in a journal and exercising because they are boring

  never buy flowers or clean the house except for company

  spend your money without a plan, because she says saving a little each week is pointless

  sacrifice your big life goals so you can take care of other people first

  settle for a life of routine and sigh a lot

  Find out the kind of friend you are to yourself with the following questionnaire.

  Self-Discovery Questionnaire: How Do You Rate as Your Own Friend?

  Grade yourself from A to F on your performance as a friend to yourself:

  __ I honor personal resolutions as I would a promise to a friend.

  __ I wouldn’t delay important plans for the convenience of others.

  __ I check my health and emotional well-being often, making changes to improve them.

  __ When I make an honest mistake, I tell myself, “No one is perfect, I’ll learn from this.”

  __ I actively seek solutions for problems and pay for the resources to help me solve them.

  __ I speak as supportively and kindly to myself as I do to those I love.

  __ I anticipate and take care of my special needs when I’m faced with big tasks.

  __ I’m as careful about my money as I would be with a friend’s.

  __ I look for ways to express my creativity.

  __ I schedule small steps in big tasks and don’t procrastinate.

  __ I seek help if I am emotionally or physically in pain and without unnecessary delay.

  Scoring: This is completely subjective. The grades are clues to where you might want to focus on becoming a better friend to yourself.

  Your Self-Reliance Frees Others

  Being compassionate doesn’t mean limiting yourself because your partner, family, or boss can’t keep up with your dreams and goals. Claiming your authentic self will free you from the old idea that love is proven by constant self-sacrifice. In fact, your ability to help others greatly improves when you detach from their limits and work on loving and trusting yourself.

  As Marianne Williamson puts it in A Return to Love,

  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (1992, 190–191)

  It scares us to think we may leave everyone behind if we reach for the excellence that these lines promise. You encourage others by speaking your truth, asking for what you truly want, and expecting them to be honest in return. This builds the deep and lasting relationships that have room for everyone’s success.

  The Courage to Go Deeper

  You’ve been on a hero’s journey and faced many fears, some of them long buried. You’ve learned you don’t have to make all your desired changes at once, nor do you have to accomplish them alone. Knowing when and how to trust others comes from knowing you can trust yourself. No one should trust other people completely. It is a betrayal to them to expect they’ll anticipate your needs and never be selfish or break a promise. Certainty is an illusion. You also need to cultivate faith as an antidote to your old stories of being flawed. Faith comes to you as a reward for trusting in your own experience.

  This is a small book, and the tools and stories are presented to help you discover your truth. It has taken you on a journey where you were asked to confront destructive beliefs. This journey has validated the reasons for your fears and helped you untangle the web of lies that made you doubt yourself. Trusting yourself is easier when you know that you are strong, worthwhile, smart, brave, and capable of taking care of yourself.

  It takes courage to want to trust. Those who have been deeply betrayed may need to work with a therapist or counselor, who is dedicated to building a trusting relationship with you.

  The goal of this book has not been to deny the reasons for your fears. They are real and you’ll find more as you take on new challenges. Pay attention to your Child’s fears and Protector’s warnings as you form new relationships, and consider leaving those that haven’t passed the test of trust. The goal is to increase your confidence in handling the feelings, doubts, and betrayals that arise every day.

  Any relationship worth having must be risked by being honest—including your relationship with yourself. Telling the truth is possible only when you trust your own feelings and perceptions now, in this moment.

  Recommended Reading

  Anderson, Susan. 2000. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. New York: Berkley Books.

  Beattie, Melody. 1990. The Language of Letting Go. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden.

  Borysenko, Joan. 1990. Guilt Is the Teacher, Love Is the Lesson. New York: Warner Books.

  Brown, Nina. 2003. Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Part
ner. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.

  Carmin, Cheryl N., with Teresa Flynn, Barbara G. Markway, and Alec Pollard. 1992. Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety and Phobia. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.

  Cooper, Robert K. 2001. The Other 90 Percent: How to Unlock Your Vast Untapped Potential for Leadership and Life. New York: Crown Business.

  Crum, Thomas. 1987. The Magic of Conflict: Turning a Life of Work into a Work of Art. New York: Touchstone.

  Evans, Patricia. 1996. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. 2d. edition. Avon, Mass.: Adams Media Corporation.

  Ford, Debbie. 2002. The Secret of the Shadow: The Power of Owning Your Whole Story. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco.

  Gorski, Terrence T. 1993. Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery. Independence, Mo.: Herald House/Independent Press.

  Hendricks, Gay, and Kathlyn Hendricks. 1992. Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-commitment. New York: Bantam Books.

  Hendrix, Harville. 1990. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York: Harper Perennial.

  Horn, Sam. 1996. Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict. New York: St. Martin’s Press.

  Huber, Cheri. 2001. There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate. Murphys, Calif.: Keep It Simple Books.

  Katie, Byron. 2002. Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. New York: Harmony Books.

  Matsakis, Aphrodite. 1998. Trust after Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.

  Mellody, Pia, and Lawrence Freundlich. 2003. The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco.

  Psaris, Jett, and Marlena S. Lyons. 2000. Undefended Love: The Way That You Felt about Yourself When You First Fell in Love Is the Way You Can Feel All the Time. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.