Always Love Me: A Standalone Second Chance Romance

by Derrick, Zoey

  “I’m sorry,” I say for about the hundredth time.

  His eyes come back to mine. “I want to be so mad at you.” He sighs, “But I can’t bring myself to feel that way. I’m hurt more than angry.”

  “I never meant to hurt you.”

  He doesn’t respond. He resumes walking, and our hands stay connected as he leads me to the elevator. We wait a few minutes for it to arrive, and around the time the elevator arrives, Jax releases me. He’s asleep.

  The elevator is empty except for us. I take advantage of our solitude and straighten myself up. Redressing and situating Jax in the sling when I’m done. As we arrive on our floor, I bend down to grab the bags I’d put down, but Dirk beats me to it. I hold my hand out, but he just puts them on his shoulder before taking my hand back in his.

  My heart warms. My body feels alive for the first time since walking off that boat.

  “Is it possible for me to take him?” Dirk asks when we step off the elevator.

  I look at him, appraising him a bit. “Of course, is there a reason you want him?”

  “Because I think Randy is going to need you without Jax between you.”

  I nod, understanding.

  Revealing Jax to Xavier has been the distraction I needed to stop me from fretting over Kathleen and her condition.

  Reality slides into place.

  I carefully adjust Jax so his head rests on my shoulder, carefully sliding my hand between him and the sling to hold him. Then I pull the sling up and over my head. “Take him?”

  Dirk’s big, calloused hands wrap around our son as he gently transfers him from my shoulder to his.

  Xavier Tyler looks amazing holding a little one. It makes my heart flutter in my chest even as regret and disappointment slide through me like oil. I blink back the tears threatening while I adjust the sling, making it longer for Dirk’s large chest. When I think I’ve adjusted it enough, I take my bags from his shoulder and set them down before I put the sling over him. He smiles at me. He puts his arm through, and then I help him set up Jax. I have to adjust the sling just a bit, tightening it for him. His eyes are on Jax, who’s sleeping peacefully and blissfully unaware of the transfer. “Good?” I ask.

  “I think so.”

  “It’s not too tight?”

  “Nope, I think it’s good.”

  “Daddy looks good on you, Mr. Tyler,” I say sweetly.

  “Mommy looks great on you, too,” he says absently.

  I shiver. My heart warms. I grab the bags and toss them over my shoulder. “Where we going?” I ask. I need to see Randy and my aunt.

  “This way,” he points to our left. This time, I’m the one reaching out for his hand. He doesn’t hesitate to take it.

  I need the comfort as we walk down the hall. We reach the waiting room and find Randy sitting with his head in his hands. His body shaking as though he’s crying.

  The tears I was holding back spill over as I see one of the strongest men I know crying.

  “You have him?” I ask Dirk, looking at Jax.

  “I do,” he gives me a sad smile.

  I nod and walk into the waiting room.

  I approach Randy, his shoulders shaking with his tears. I set my bags on the chair, and I kneel before him. I grab his wrists gently, and he jumps.

  “Rebel,” he breathes as I wrap my arms around him. He buries his head in my neck and wraps his arms around me. “God, I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “How is she?” I ask.

  “Not good. They shooed me out to do some things.”

  I nod. “What happened?” I ask. I’m hoping to distract him a bit.

  His chest expands as he takes a deep breath, and he pulls back a bit. His eyes meet mine. “She was in an accident. She lost a lot of blood, too much, they think. They’re checking her for any signs of brain activity.” He sucks in a shaky breath. “She lost her left arm. The car severed it, but they…” he pauses, “they couldn’t save it. Her left leg…she may lose that, too. We don’t know yet. But it’s irrelevant if there’s no brain activity…” He looks over to the door and stops abruptly. I follow his eyes, expecting to see the doctor or something and find the grey stormy eyes of Xavier.

  “Rebel?” I look at my uncle who is sitting up straight.

  “Yes,” I say softly.

  “What is he holding?”

  “Your great nephew.”

  His eyes meet mine. “My what?”

  “Your great nephew.” I gesture for Dirk to come over. He nods and moves to join us. He takes a seat next to Randy and shows off Jax.

  “Jesus, Rebs, he’s adorable.” Then his eyes glare at me. “Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” he grouses.

  I flinch. “It’s a long story,” I tell him. “Not a story for right now, okay?” I raise an eyebrow.

  “What’s his name?” Randy asks.

  “Jaxson Randy Tyler.”

  Randy blinks.

  Then blinks again.

  He looks at Jax, Dirk, then me.

  He just blinks and doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Tyler?” he questions.

  I nod. “I found out, mid-April two years ago, that I was pregnant.”

  “How old is he?” he asks.

  “Almost 18 months.”

  “So, when you were…the anniversary?” He narrows his eyes, trying to put everything together.

  “Yeah,” Dirk says for the first time. I notice his hand gently rubbing along Jax’s back.

  Randy turns his ire toward Dirk. “You didn’t think to tell me?”

  Dirk snorts without humor. “I’ve known less than an hour longer than you have,” he says, the anger and irritation in his voice evident.

  “Skylar Rebel McKay, what the hell?”

  “Don’t, please?” I beg Randy.

  He looks at Dirk. “How are you holding up?”

  Fuck.

  “I’m pissed, but I’ll figure it out, one way or another.”

  “I’ll deal with you later,” Randy says sternly to me.

  “I know,” I breathe, “what I did was wrong. Okay? I’ve been beating myself up for two years, nothing you can say to me will be worse than what I’ve done to myself,” I tell Randy. Beg him is more like it.

  The sadness returns to Randy’s eyes. Reality sliding back into his features. He nods, relenting to my request. “Kathleen,” he whispers, “she doesn’t know.” That causes a new wave of tears for him, for me, and even for Dirk.

  If Kathleen survives this, Xavier knows exactly the struggle she’s going to go through. I see that haunted expression creep over Dirk’s face. The one that appears when I know he’s far away from here. The one that tells me he’s remembering something or living in another time and place.

  We don’t say anything for some time. Randy cries, I cry. We hug, I hold his hands. I want to tell him everything is going to be all right, but I can’t. The truth is, I don’t know.

  After Erron died, I clung to Randy for a very long time. Before my mother died, she and I were close enough, but I was always more drawn to my father. Always happy to be fishing and helping him fix things around the house. Sometimes I wondered if my attachment to Erron in my younger years was because he wasn’t around all the time or if it was because I enjoyed getting my hands dirty more than I did playing with dolls.

  I think that’s why I clung so hard to Randy at first. If it ever bothered Kathleen, she never said anything, and she never treated me like I was anything short of her own daughter. They were both always there for me before school, making sure I was fed, dressed and out the door in time to catch the bus. When I would come home, if Kathleen wasn’t there, Randy was and vice versa. They both sat with me to work on homework and school projects.

  I fight the urge to laugh as I remember Randy and my failed volcano attempt. When we added the baking soda mixture, it exploded, everywhere. Miraculously, it missed Randy and me and went straight for Kathleen. The look on her face was priceless.

  I snort and start to laugh.
>
  Both Dirk and Randy look at me like I’ve lost my mind.

  “What’s so funny?” Randy asks angrily.

  “Do you remember the volcano we built and the first time we set it off?”

  Randy narrows his eyes, thinking for a moment, and then the lightbulb goes off and his tears dry up, if only for a moment, and he chuckles softly. “She looked so funny covered in all that foamy mess,” he chortles.

  “The look on her face.”

  “She was positively shocked.” He laughs at the memory.

  It was just enough to distract him for a moment. Just enough that he could catch his breath before we lapse back into companionable silence.

  As time went on, I found myself clinging to both of them for all the emotional support a child needs to grow into a strong, happy and healthy environment. I never wanted for anything and they always came up with creative ways for me to earn the things I wanted so that I had something invested in it.

  Though I never called Randy ‘dad’ or Kathleen ‘mom,’ that’s exactly what they became to me.

  A short time later, a doctor comes into the waiting room. “Mr. Locke?” the doctor says, and Randy moves to stand. “Sit,” the doctor says.

  This isn’t good.

  “Can we talk alone?” the doctor asks.

  “This is my daughter,” my eyes dart to Randy and my heart practically shreds at his title for me. He’s never called me that before, at least not that I know of. “And her boyfriend.” I fight the smirk and the argument. “They can stay.”

  The doctor nods, and I move to sit next to Randy, and I take his hand in both of mine. He squeezes them gently.

  “We ran some tests. I’m so sorry, Mr. Locke, but we were unable to find any signs your wife has any brain activity.”

  “Oh god,” I cry.

  “What does this mean?” Dirk asks, stepping up.

  “Her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long. The blood loss was too much to keep her brain functioning. Her brain is swollen, we had to put a couple of burr holes to help relieve the pressure during surgery, but the reality is, without life support, she will die.”

  “She’s gone?” I breathe.

  “Her body is still here, but unfortunately…”

  “Can she recover from this?” Randy asks.

  The doctor takes a deep breath. “Not in my medical opinion.”

  “How long?” Dirk asks. Randy is stoic, I’m not sure he’s processing anything the doctor has to say.

  “The ventilator is breathing for her. If we disconnect that, it would likely be a matter of minutes before she would stop breathing.”

  “Is she in pain?” I ask.

  The doctor gives me a small smile. “No. We don’t believe so.”

  I nod. My eyes find Xavier’s; they’re pained.

  “Is there anything else we need to know?” I ask the doctor.

  “We had to remove her left kidney, her spleen, and a portion of her intestines. She has five broken ribs on the left and four on the right. One of the ribs punctured her lung. We were able to repair it, but she continued to lose blood faster than we could pump it into her. She’d lost a considerable amount, over half, we believe, before they were able to get her out of the car.”

  “How long do we have to decide what to do next?” I manage to ask.

  “As much time as you need. We will continue to provide her with the best possible care and make sure she’s comfortable.”

  “Thank you,” Xavier breathes.

  Randy stares absently at the doctor. He’s physically here, but his mind is a million miles away. I don’t blame him.

  “Can we see her?”

  “Absolutely,” the doctor says, “let us know if you need anything.” The doctor takes his leave, and I kneel in front of Randy.

  “Look at me, Uncle.” His vacant eyes turn to me. “Do you understand what he just said?” I ask softly.

  He nods. “She’s gone,” he breathes.

  Tears fall from my eyes. “Yeah, Uncle Randy, she is. Her body is here, but she’s not.”

  “I want to see her,” he whispers. The anguish in his eyes, his voice, tears me in two.

  “Will you take me to her?” I ask, giving him a purpose, and he nods. I stand, offering him my hand, and he takes it as he stands.

  I reach for Dirk who comes with us. As much as I’m glad I don’t have Jax in my arms, I need him more. However, I can see Dirk is taking his own comfort from our son. He hasn’t stopped rubbing his back since he sat down. Randy needs me, and I let that guide me forward.

  We go down the hall and around a corner. I make note of the room number for later as we enter the room. I get my first look at Kathleen, and I gasp softly and nearly stop dead in my tracks as I take in her bruised, bandaged, and tattered body. The only place I can see that isn’t covered by bandages is her face, which is bruised on the left side and her right hand, though, it’s full of tubes and needles. There’s a tick and hum of the ventilator as it makes her chest rise and fall. As much as the simple action appears to give her life and makes her appear to be doing it on her own, the accompanying noises remind me that she’s not.

  My vision of her swims as tears fill my eyes.

  Seeing her like this, she doesn’t even look like herself. She’s torn down and broken. It hurts my heart. I release Randy’s hand and turn around, putting my head in Dirk’s chest, next to Jax. Dirk wraps his arms around me, and I come apart.

  Seeing the sweetest, kindest woman I’ve ever known, who’s been more of a mother to me than my own, laying there like, this rips me into a million pieces.

  I can’t help remembering the first time she really proved to me just how much I meant to her.

  It was only a few months after moving to Portland and I was adjusting to my new school when every 12-year-old girl’s worst nightmare came to me. I remember running, crying to Kathleen because I didn’t fully understand what was happening. With tears in my eyes, I explained to her I was bleeding from ‘down there.’ She smiled so sweetly at me and told me it was okay and it was normal. She explained what was happening to me and then took me to her bathroom. She patiently showed me how to use a panty liner.

  The next day, I begged and pleaded with her to let me stay home from school. It hurt so badly, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I felt like everyone would know I had this huge thing happen to me the day before. I told her all the boys would notice. She calmed me down and helped me find the cutest pair of pants I owned and helped me pair it up with a nice long, bigger shirt. I felt so comfortable in it that I barely noticed what was happening the entire day. She helped me pack a change of clothes, including a new shirt, underwear and pants, in case something happened, and she made sure I had plenty of pads to take with me. It didn’t take away the pain, but as soon as I felt more confident in myself, the pain seemed to back off and I made it through the entire school day.

  She checked on me every day, in the morning and before I went to bed, to see how I was doing. She even brought me chocolate when she found me crying in my room because it hurt so badly. Though I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me, I accepted it.

  The best part was, the next month, she made sure I was prepared in the days leading up to when it started again. She didn’t want me to be caught unaware like I was the first time. This continued every month for the next two or three years until I was old enough to start tracking them myself and I finally had a better idea of what I was going through.

  Kathleen was always that way.

  Always attentive. Aware of things happening even before I was aware of them.

  She knew and understood what it was like to be a girl, and I was very happy she was there for me.

  I may not have been the best ‘daughter’ as I got older. I lived up to my middle name and rebelled every chance I got. They both punished me when I deserved it and rewarded me for good behavior.

  Everything they’ve ever taught me I’ve tried to instill in Jax and myself as a parent. It’
s the best way I know how to honor everything they’ve done for me. Taking me in was a huge leap for both of them as they never had kids of their own. They took every day in stride and made it so that I had the best life possible.

  I can never repay them for that.

  I stay that way, crying softly into Dirk’s chest, for a few minutes. Just enough time to let it out, to let the pain slide its way through me. Randy needs me. I have to be strong for him.

  I pull back and mouth, “thank you,” to Xavier. He nods, understanding what I needed. I gently kiss Jax’s pudgy cheek and turn to Randy who is looking down at Kathleen. “You should see him, Kathy, he’s so adorable.” I finally catch on to what Randy is saying. Despite the pain, there’s a pride in his voice that guts me. Everything I’ve done for the last two years slices through me like shattered glass. “I wish you could see him, bubbie,” he breathes softly. I smile sweetly at his nickname for her. I never asked where it came from, but it’s something I know is all Randy’s doing.

  I move to stand next to him. My hand on his on the side of the bed. His eyes find mine. They’re pained and worried. Unshed tears still in them.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he whispers.

  “I don’t think she would have wanted this,” I whimper, unable to hide the emotion.

  “No, she most definitely would not,” he says before turning back to look at her on the bed. “But I’m not ready to let her go,” he sobs.

  “Then don’t. No one says you have to decide today,” I tell him softly. In an attempt to distract him some more, I ask, “Have you called anyone else?”

  He shakes his head. “Telling you was hard enough,” he confesses.

  “We can take care of that,” Dirk steps to Kathleen’s other side. Her left side. Her broken side.

  I nod at him, then look at Randy. “It’s up to you whether or not you want to give them a chance to see her.”

  He pulls in a shaky breath. “I don’t know. I don’t need everyone’s opinion.”

  “No, you don’t,” Dirk agrees softly, “This is a choice for you and you alone.”

  Randy’s eyes find mine. “And you,” he whispers.