Veracity: The Veracity Diaries

by E. M. Bernal

  When I got up to about the seventh step, she decided to say she was sorry, but I just keep walking up like she said nothing at all. I had a lot of homework to do anyway. I need to get started, I thought.

  ******

  I leaned against the headboard of my bed and tried to concentrate on my homework, but I couldn’t get much done. Eventually I got restless and scrunched my pillow under my head to try to sleep, but our fight made me restless. Tears eventually flowed down my face. It is times like this that make me hate being alive, just like back home in Denver, because Unity knows how to hurt me no matter how far away from Luke we are.

  A few texts were coming in from the guys at school, along with Melissa’s, but I didn’t feel like being fake and replying as if I’m in a good mood. So, I decided to turn out the lights and shut off my phone.

  As I laid restless, I could hear my mom listening to the TV downstairs. A part of me wanted to go talk to her but the rest of me just wanted to sleep and get these dark thoughts out of my head.

  For the rest of the weekend, I stayed in my room with the exception of grabbing an apple or sandwich once a day. So much for cleaning my car or having a good weekend.

  LOOKING GOOD

  Diary 3

  The sun was out bright the following morning when the alarm went off. A new school week was here, and a deep breath emerged from my lungs. I thumbed my phone to hit the snooze option, but I realized it was already 7:30 am. If I didn’t hurry, I was going to be late. My mom has definitely gone to work by now, and I subconsciously think I woke up late to avoid her one last time.

  I rushed to put on my favorite fitted jeans with a similar boring top I always wear. I’ve never put much thought into my clothes, especially when I am rushing like today. I always thought it was best that I didn’t draw attention, and my wardrobe became a representation of that, I’m sure.

  I ran over to the long mirror to glance in it while continuously checking the time on my cell phone. But, a captivating thought hit me. We still argue about the past. If I want things to change in my life, maybe I should start with my wardrobe and hair. Even though the group was pretty accepting, I still felt out of place with them at times. And, I need to get rid of the depression that creeps up on me constantly. So... if I find this perfect outfit which I don’t think I have, I will feel more confident perhaps. I decided I might have to be late to school after all.

  I rambled through my closet, but I was having a stressful time finding something. And, the timer on my phone was subconsciously ticking in my ear regardless. I put on five different outfits quickly but felt unattractive in each one. I became frustrated.

  It was 7:59 AM. Those numbers stared at me from the face of my phone. Forget it, I thought. I grabbed whatever t-shirt I could find and headed out. I didn’t even bother to look in the mirror this time.

  ******

  When I arrived, I rushed to see if I could find Melissa first before heading to my locker, but this school is so large, I would have to go on a hunt. I thought maybe she could help put an outfit together for me if I find the energy to fix this wardrobe issue. I love the way she dressed. Sometimes she wore jeans, but she even made those look nice. I wasn’t big on opening up to others, but I’m determined to ask for help.

  I walked around the hallways and finally ran into Sam and Molly on the stairs leaning on top of each other against the railing. You could always find those two together. Even though they were a nice-looking couple, it was still sickening to watch them at times.

  “Hey guys! Have you seen Melissa by chance?” Sam looked up right away with his bright green eyes, when he was finally done staring at Molly’s hazel ones.

  “O, hey…” They both responded at the same time.

  “Ya… I think she’s over in Mr. Rowling’s class. She missed some assignment…” Molly responded first. “She supposed to go make arrangements or something.” Sam finished her answer of course.

  “Okay, I’ll see if I can catch her some other time, later then…” I turned around to let them return to their fantasy land.

  Mr. Rowling’s class was on the other side of the building and it would make me later than I already am. I’ll have to catch her in class or after. But, I also took into consideration just to let the idea go altogether. It would probably take a miracle to make me more outgoing anyway.

  The bell went off right before I got to my class door. I ran into Logan and Cullan. They were having a conversation in the hallway as if the bell didn’t matter.

  “Hey guys… get to class…” I interrupted, trying to be funny, which I’m not very good at. They both looked like they were whispering about something but stopped when they heard me. I stayed silent with a look of confusion. It seemed as if they were telling a secret, but ignored my confused look and simultaneously responded, “What’s going on Veracity…”

  “You’re just as late woman…” Cullan jokingly returned the gesture by coming close to my face.

  Logan turned to pass me with a spooky-ghost sound and then they both went off in separate directions, leaving me even more confused. I shrugged it off and turned around to enter my class. But, right when I was about to walk in, I was stumped because there he was. Robert West was occupying the chair behind mine.

  I walked towards my seat and pretended not to notice.

  That seat was empty for almost the first two months. I was dumbfounded. He looked at me and I looked at him but neither of us muttered a word. His blue-gray eyes and black hair up close definitely could stop someone in their tracks. I plotted down and opened my book more confused than I had ever been. My heart complimented my confusion as it started beating faster with the thought of him behind me. After about 3 minutes of nothing, not a moment of concentration, I decided to attempt to make the first move. But right then, the teacher asked us to read out loud. Don’t pick me, I thought about 20 times… and then, she picked me. My eyes widened. I smiled to cover my tracks of embarrassment. I cleared my throat and attempted to sound confident. After I got through a page of reading, I immediately felt like throwing up.

  Thankfully, class was almost over. Why was I so nervous? Why do I want to talk to him so badly? Again, my thoughts reverted back to the curiosity about what happen with Drexy. I hate feeling unsure, but if I’m going to try to understand my self-better.

  I better start being more alert to my own ignorance. Maybe I should just let it go. I need to stop over thinking this and live in the present. He probably wouldn’t talk to some crazy insecure girl anyway. Wait, I’m over thinking this again! Ugh! SHUT UP Veracity! My last thought finally diffused.

  I decided to pay attention to the teacher as her voice became clear, erasing my thoughts. I even asked a couple questions to give the impression that I was engaged.

  When the bell rang, I waited for him to walk by so we wouldn’t have a chance to exchange any source of energy. When he did, it seem like I didn’t even exist. I pretended to be organizing my book bag, ignoring him too.

  I looked up to watch him walk away. His walk was enticing, and his black shiny combat boots added a touch of rebellion in me. His clothes fit perfectly on his physically fit body. I liked his style and had to admit, so far he’s the hottest guy at Cotter High and I think I just found my type after all.

  Once Robert was out of sight, I got up from my desk to head to my second class. All of my immediate group was standing in the hallway near my locker. Everybody looked at me and waved me over, with the exception of Drexy, not to my surprise. In fact, she rolled her eyes as I came closer. I still have no idea why she doesn’t like me, but I just ignore her.

  Since the weekend was almost here, they must be planning something as usual. I never really participated with them, other than lunch. I’d would always say I’d try to meet up, but I never had any intentions too.

  Drexy and Melissa where standing close together when I got next to the group. I walked around to the other side of Melissa away from Drexy.

  “Hey Melissa.” I slightly touched her shou
lder to get her attention.

  Logan was rapping. It was the first time I heard him, and it was impressive to say the least. In fact, he sounded very similar to rap artist, G-Eazy.

  “Hey girl…” She kept listening to Logan while I spoke in her ear. “I wanted you to help me with something…” Before I could finish, everyone started clapping and wolf calling for Logan.

  Melissa turned to face me when it was over but Drexy turned with her at the same time.

  “Girl, where’d you get that shirt from?” Drexy was determined to say something rude. I immediately looked at it. It was wrinkled. It dawned on me that I never looked in the mirror when I left in a rush this morning.

  “O, I got it at some thrift store.”

  “I can tell…” Drexy sarcastically snapped.

  I grabbed Melissa to signal her to come with me, but not before I offered a smile that turned into a snare at Drexy.

  “We are going our own way… see you later.” Melissa told Drexy as she slowly walked with me in the other direction.

  “Bye guys!” I managed to call out to the group before leaving.

  We headed towards the parking lot.

  “Just ignore her.” She is such a waste energy sometimes and all she wants is a response out of you.”

  “I’m not worried about it, Melissa. But! I am worried about something else.” I smiled back as if the incident didn’t happen at all.

  “What’s going on?” Melissa asks.

  “I want to go shopping. Not to copy-cat you, but I do like your style and I was wondering if you could help?”

  Melissa looked excited. “Okay but this is not about Drexy, is it?”

  “No, not at all. Promise…” I raised my hands with palms open to compliment the promise. I was excited she said yes because I don’t normally use my hands to speak.

  Melissa proceeded to open up with some honesty at this point, which I appreciated.

  “You don’t dress bad, but you don’t dress with confidence either and I will be glad to fix that up for you.” She points to herself with a smile and continues… “Why don’t you come over to my house Friday night? My parents are going out of town and we can get some pizza and find a good movie. Maybe some drink?”

  “O, I don’t drink.”

  “Really?” Melissa looked shocked. “Well, a virgin all around aren’t we?” She changed her tone to respond playfully.

  I felt like an outcast sometimes, but I knew somehow she would be okay with it.

  “Okay, then, we will just watch a movie and then go shopping in the morning?” “She blissfully responded.

  “Okay, sure.”

  “Yeay! Girl date … Girl date…” Melissa started singing and mocking with her hands.

  We hugged and I headed over to my car. I was glad she didn’t walk with me to it because I still needed to clean it, I thought for the 100th time.

  ******

  The teachers were passing out papers with our grades and mine were all A’s. The only thing that reminded me that I might be someone someday were the results of my studying.

  Friday was finally here before I knew it and it was the last class of the day. The school bell let us know it was over but today it stilled annoyed me.

  I waved everyone goodbye in the hall and headed home.

  I was ready to talk to Unity again, essentially now that I needed money to go out this weekend. With my report card, it was a good day to ask. First, I need to order the pizza I promised Melissa, and hurry home to catch Unity.

  When I got to my car, I pulled out my cell of the glove compartment and called the closest place, Seabrook Pizzeria. I was going to order the largest supreme they had. I was starving. I texted Melissa to let her know my status. She sent me a thumbs up.

  “Hello, Seabrook Pizzeria, what perfect pizza can I make for you today?” Some lady immediately answered. I was just about to speak, but then, there he was again…Robert West stopped right in front of my car staring at me through my windshield, almost as if he was going to say something or wave me down but he did nothing for almost 10 seconds.

  “Hello… Hello???” The lady on the phone was echoing from the cell speaker. She couldn’t tell if I was there. I stared back at him from my windshield. Am I hallucinating? I tried to shake out of my surprise to say something to the lady. “Ya… Sorry…. I…I … want…” But I couldn’t talk. Robert finally smiled. Without moving my face, my eyes went left to right, not sure what to do. He started to walk away, waving with his hand like we were buddies.

  Was this guy drunk? Maybe he does drugs???

  Shit! Why didn’t I say something! Okay, I’m hallucinating again.

  But, when I blinked he was still walking away. That just happened.

  CLICK. The lady hung up on me. I stayed for a minute trying to think of what to do. But, who was I kidding? I’m too shy to do anything.

  I called the pizzeria back after softly slamming my head against the wheel to compliment the disappointed sigh I had to make.

  I decided to put the car in reverse to head home before anything else strange could happen.

  ******

  This is going to be a long weekend but a good one, because I actually had plans. And, it’s a miracle that I’m going through with them. The last three, going on four months, I couldn’t even bring myself to clean and wash my car. And now, I’m going shopping with a friend. This is a good sign Veracity, I thought.

  I looked for Unity when I walked in the house. I couldn’t see her or hear anything. Maybe she was not home, but the TV was on and her car was outside. However, I have known her to leave with a friend from time to time.

  All of a sudden a noise came vibrating through the house. CLINK, CLINK and then a loud shatter.

  “MOM!” I looked around immediately to see where it was coming from.

  “Ya! I’m upstairs in the attic City!” “You okay???” I raised my voice again, looking up while touching the bottom of the stairwell. “Ya, come on up!” I quickly ran up the stairs.

  When I reached the hallway, a ladder was pulled out into the middle of it from the roof of the attic. I started to climb up. When I made it to the top, Unity was going through some pictures while sitting on the floor.

  The attic was tiny and complied with boxes that she put away when we first moved in, but I never asked what they were or why she stored them there. I saw a bottle of vodka on the side of her in a cup while she sat on the floor sideways with her knees bent. Apparently she was drinking again. I wouldn’t say she drinks often but when she did drink, she drank heavily.

  A memory came rushing back as I stared at the cup, Luke and Unity would fight the most after she made a trip from the liquor store. Her and Luke would have shouting matches, and from time to time he pushed by her face to the ground. He always turned it around on her too, blaming her drinking problems. And, the minute he threatened to leave her, she would beg him as if everything was her fault.

  One fight in particular I remembered vividly and sometimes still plays out in my ear when I get depressed. They taught I was asleep, and I don’t know the whole story, but it was about a woman he was staying out late with from work. They were having a screaming match and at some point the only statement that stuck in my mind was when he said, “I never wanted you or your daughter, please do me the favor and leave me.” He then rambled on about her having no right to read his mind. I never asked her what he meant by all of it, but I knew he didn’t love me long before that fight ever happened.

  Luke was always first in her life and she ignored me for him, pushing me into a serious depression that I am now determined to leave behind. I only have 2 good memories about Luke in my whole 18 years of life. The peacoat jacket for Christmas, and once he asked how my day was while actually looking at me. I don’t think I will ever understand why he didn’t want me.

  Watching her drink again made me reluctant to ask her what she was doing. I really just wanted the money and to make sure she wasn’t hurt from the glass breaking.

>   There was a shattered mirror on the side of the box she sat next to. Apparently it was sitting on a stack of boxes when she grabbed one and it must have flipped over. She didn’t seem intoxicated yet, but I knew it was coming from the position she was in. So, leaving for the weekend was definitely a good thing after all.

  %%

  “Hey mom, I’m going to head over to Melissa’s. We’re going to grab a pizza, go shopping and have a slumber-weekend-girl-party.”

  “OK, that sounds fun sweetie.” She didn’t look up at all… she just kept looking through old photographs and frames she stored that Luke was in.

  “Are you OK?” I felt compelled to ask after all.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Just thinking and going through these boxes to see what we need and what we can throw away.”