A Time of Anarchy- Mayan's Story

by Roberta Kagan

  “Thanks, Cricket. Just a good kid?”

  He smiled wryly. “That’s all it should be between us.” Then he looked down at the wooden table top. Several people had carved their names and various sayings into the wood. “But it isn’t all there is. There’s a whole lot more,” he whispered.

  He took out a cigarette and offered her one. She took it and they sat, silently smoking.

  They were quiet on the walk home. After the sun set, a chilly breeze blew off the lake, foreshadowing a cold winter. Even though she wore the leather jacket Red had given her, May felt the wind go through her, and she shivered. Cricket didn’t speak, but he took off his leather jacket and put it over her shoulders.

  “Aren’t you cold?” she asked.

  “I’m fine,” he said. His coat fit loosely over her jacket, and all the way around her small frame. He pulled it closed so that she could hold it together. “Is that better? Are you warmer?”

  “Yes,” she said, and she felt very warm on the inside, as well as the outside.

  He stopped to take a cigarette out of his pocket.”You want one?” he asked, and as he did, he looked into her eyes. She was a head shorter than he. It was sudden and unexpected. Cricket leaned down and gently kissed her. It was only for a moment. But all of her senses came alive. His lips were tender and warm on hers. The spicy smell of his aftershave filled the air. She felt the skin of his cheek brush against her own.

  May felt the breath catch in her throat. Her entire body tingled with desire. After the kiss, he held her gently, wrapping his arms around her in a protective embrace. They gazed into each other’s eyes. Her heart pounded. The depth of emotion was too much. May looked away, embarrassed, and in a single second the moment was lost.

  Neither said another word as they walked back home.

  Chapter 31

  That night as she lay in her bed across the hall, May listened to Cricket as he moved around his room. She knew her feelings for him were wrong and would only cause trouble for both of them. It would be a good idea to stop this madness now. If Red found out he would be livid, and there would surely be hell to pay. But it seemed as if the more she knew Cricket, the closer she felt to him. They were only a few years apart in age, and had both been lost for most of their lives.

  As she heard him quietly close the door to his room, she knew he was getting into bed, and she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to lie beside him, to feel his body warm and close to her own. Were all men like Red when they made love? She didn’t know for sure. He was the only one she’d ever been with. But she could not help but wonder if Cricket might not be different, gentler, more caring. It seemed as if he would be. The taste of his kiss was still on her lips, and she felt a rush of passion course through her. She’d never felt anything like this when Red kissed her, or even when she’d been kissed by the boys at school. Cricket was different. She put her hands on her temples.

  Wipe these thoughts from your mind. Tomorrow you must tell Cricket that there should be no more flirtations, and certainly no more wonderful, joyous kisses.

  Chapter 32

  In the morning May got out of bed, washed her face, brushed her teeth, and started a pot of coffee. When Cricket heard her in the kitchen, he came out of his room. He sat down at the table and lit a cigarette.

  “Forgive me for yesterday. I had no right to do that,” Cricket said.

  “What?” she asked, but she knew he was referring to the kiss.

  “I had no right to kiss you.”

  “Cricket, if Red knew that you were looking at me like that he’d go nuts. It’s better if we stay just friends. Okay?”

  “Sure, yeah, if that’s what you want.” He studied her.

  “I think it’s best,” she said, but she dared not meet his eyes, or she was sure that he would see how much she wanted more. This was best, she told herself. This was best.

  The sun was rising outside the window. May looked across the street, watching a group of children as they left for school carrying piles of books in their arms.

  “Then I guess you won’t mind if I go out with an old friend tonight?” Cricket asked. He leaned back in the chair wearing a bitter smile.

  “No, I mean, why would I mind?” She felt her hands tremble a little. Still standing at the sink, she pretended to be busy washing a cup for her coffee.

  “Now you have to promise me that you won’t go out of the apartment while I’m out tonight. I mean with all the shit that Red stirred up with the Brothers, it just wouldn’t be safe.”

  “No, I won’t go out. I have nowhere to go.”

  Cricket crossed his arms at his chest. His brow was furrowed. He shook his head. But he didn’t say another word. Instead he got up from the table and picked up the telephone.

  May tried to ignore Cricket as he dialed. But she could not help but overhear him talking to a girl he called Donna. May folded her arms across her chest and went into the bedroom. Best, she decided, not to listen. Yet she could not help but stand closer to the door as she heard Cricket laughing on the phone. A pang of jealousy shot through her chest, and she closed the door to her room, throwing herself on the bed.

  For the entire day, May stayed in her bedroom. She did not come out when she heard Cricket in the kitchen, or when she heard him getting ready to go out that evening. Finally, he knocked softly on her door.

  “May?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I come in for a second?”

  “Sure.” She knew her voice was hoarse and higher pitched than it normally was.

  “Hey, do you feel okay?” he asked, and his voice was tender. The sound of it ripped at her heart.

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes.” She tried to sound annoyed. She was afraid if he persisted she might cry.

  “I’m going out now. Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

  May looked at him. He was handsome, no doubt. His dark hair was neatly combed, and his even features and strong chin made her think of James Dean or Brando. Cricket had not dressed up for his date. He wore tight black jeans, a new white tee shirt and his black leather jacket. But he oozed sex appeal. Just looking at him, May decided that the girl, Donna, would probably be swept off her feet.

  “Yes, I’m sure,” May said, and for a brief moment she caught his eyes. They were soft and caring. It hurt to see his emotions reflecting her own. But this magic between them must be stopped. It was far too dangerous. She knew Red; he would never understand. No matter what Cricket said, or thought, Red would never give her up.

  “You should eat something. You’ve been in here all day,” Cricket said, and he sat down on the edge of her bed. “Listen, May, I am really sorry about what happened. I mean the kiss and all. I don’t know what got into me. You were just so pretty and…well…” He looked away. “I’m sorry. There is no excuse. I had no right. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

  She couldn’t answer; all she could do was nod.

  Quietly, he got up and left, closing the door to her room. She sat on the bed listening as the motorcycle outside sprung to life. She ran to look out the window, and her heart sank as she watched Cricket ride away.

  Chapter 33

  The hours never seemed to pass that night. May turned the television on and off at least ten times. She could not concentrate. Instead she picked up the book she’d taken out of the library and tried to read. The romance novel made her cry. It brought back the reality of how miserable she was with Red. He had no idea how to be romantic or how to be a lover. There was nothing sweet or tender about him. And even if by some miracle he changed, she had come to hate him. It was too late. The never-ending uncertainty of living with him had gotten to her. To be in constant fear cut to the core of her very being. But she realized that it wasn’t Red that occupied her thoughts; it was Cricket. He was somewhere with Donna tonight. The hot glow of his eyes caressed Donna the way they had caressed her only a night before. Perhaps he held Donna in his arms. Worse
, he probably kissed her. His warm lips on hers… May knew that kiss. She knew how it felt, and the idea of another woman that close to Cricket was maddening. Maybe they even lay together naked in her bed.

  May could not bear the thoughts that plagued her mind. She was angry with life for saddling her with Red. Angry with herself for not having the courage to go forward with Cricket when he kissed her. And angry with Cricket, for going out with Donna…even though she’d been the one to push him away. She took the small perfume bottle off her dresser and flung it at the wall. It broke into shards of glass, spilling the liquid fragrance on the floor. Tears came to her eyes. Why did I do that? I splurged on that little bottle. I’ll never be able to replace it. I am so stupid. I’m mad at Red, and Cricket, and so I punish myself. She watched as the perfume trickled down the wall, wetting the paint.

  Well, my room will smell great for at least a week

  . Her eyes clouded with tears. Then she turned over and faced the window. Outside the stars twinkled, lighting the sky with tiny silver lights. As she closed her eyes, falling asleep, May thought she saw the moon wink down at her.

  It was after three in the morning when May awakened to a dark, cold apartment. The sweet smell of a rose garden from her spilled perfume mingled with old cigarette smoke hanging in the empty air. She sat up slowly, remembering that she was alone. Her heart ached as she realized that it was late and Cricket had probably spent the night with Donna. The thought made her stomach sick, and she thought she might vomit. But when she went into the bathroom the nausea seemed to subside. Turning on the cold water, she grabbed a wash cloth and wet it, then wiped her face. She’d left her cigarettes in the kitchen, so she walked through the living room to get them. There she saw Cricket. He was seated in the easy chair in the corner. The room was dark except for a small red light from tip of his cigarette. She stood captivated for a moment, not knowing what to say, but very glad to see him.

  “Want a cigarette?” he asked, his voice soft.

  “Yeah, I was just coming out looking for mine. When did you get back?”

  “I don’t know. A little while ago. I dropped Donna off at ten, and then I rode around thinking.”

  May felt her heart pounding.

  “I know this is crazy, May. I know you probably don’t feel this way about me. But I have to tell you. You see… I learned something in ‘Nam. I learned that you can’t wait to say the things you want to say, because sometimes tomorrow is too late.”

  “What did you want to say?” Her voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. Her heart was pounding and her palms were cold with sweat.

  “I think I love you,” he said.

  All at once she felt like she could fly, but she was terrified at the same time.

  “Cricket.” His name was all she could say.

  “I love you,” he said it again.

  She wanted to go to him but, her feet were glued to the floor. Her knees were trembling.

  Cricket stood up. “I’m sorry, May. I’m sorry to have made such a fucking mess of your life. But I love you. I can’t help it; I do.”

  “Kiss me,” she said.

  And he did. His lips were warm on hers. It was like every Christmas she’d ever missed was being fulfilled in this single moment. Her heart beat with joy. She smelled the fall air in his hair as his arms wrapped around her. If he were not holding her so tightly, she felt as if she might drop to the ground. Again he kissed her, his tongue gently probing her mouth. She sighed. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to his room. May did not protest. She lay upon his bed as he slowly undressed her. Kissing her neck and shoulders, then her breasts and stomach.

  Cricket stopped. She saw the self control in his face. “Are you all right?” he asked as he smoothed the hair that had fallen in her eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you want me as much as I want you?” he asked, and the husky sound of his voice made her tremble. His hair had fallen across his forehead.

  “Yes,” she said. A single tear rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb. Then kissed her face where the tear had been.

  “May, you make me feel whole again. You give everything back to me that the loss of my folks and the war took away. I never thought I would feel like this.”

  She smiled, but her lips trembled.

  “You know, I never told anyone this but….when I got back I had so much guilt that I wanted to die. But now, here, holding you in my arms, I want to live. You, May, you give me the will to live.”

  “Cricket.” All she could say was his name.

  “I love you.” His voice was barely a whisper, but she trembled to the sound. “God, how I love you,” he said again, and the words were more beautiful to her ears than any music she’d ever heard.

  She felt the muscles of his chest hard against her soft breasts and her body shuddered with desire.

  “I don’t think anyone has ever really loved me, Cricket. Not my folks or Red - no, not really.”

  “I do.” His dark eyes were fixed upon hers.

  “I believe you.”

  He kissed her breasts. She felt a warm wetness start between her legs as his hair brushed against her nipple.

  For hours he kissed every inch of her body, worshiping her as if she were a goddess.

  The only man May had ever been with was Red, and it had never been like this. There had been no tenderness, and on her part, no passion. But tonight, Cricket awakened every one of her senses. She smelled the autumn night in his hair, and felt the warm softness of his skin beneath his hard, rippling muscles. And then, the passion in his eyes held her spellbound.

  “I’m going to use a condom. I don’t want you to get pregnant. At least not yet,” Cricket said.

  When he entered her she was more than ready. May lay beneath him, his eyes upon hers. His voice was soft barely a whisper but hoarse with emotion.

  “You are so beautiful, and I love you more than I can ever tell you,” he said.

  She touched his face and he sighed. Little lights from the stars outside twinkled through the window.

  They moved in rhythm together. Their bodies locked in an age-old dance that had been around before the dawn of time, and yet it was new to both of them. Tonight, May realized that she had never made love before. What she’d experienced with Red was like dying, while during these precious moments in time with Cricket, she’d never felt more alive.

  They came together, harmonizing in a blessed song of love. And afterwards he lay holding her gently in his arms. Neither of them said a word. Then he moved to lay his head gently upon her breast. After a long time, he spoke.

  “May, you’ve brought the will to live back into my life. The war made me feel as if nothing mattered anymore. I was trying to find a job that gave me purpose. I would go back and forth between extreme faith that there was a God, and losing faith in everything. There were even times I even doubted God’s existence. It was strange. When I was in ‘Nam, I’d swear there was no God, and then when we would be walking through a mine field, I’d start praying. Now how can that be? I was praying to a God I didn’t believe existed? Nah, I knew he was there. I was just mad at him at the time. That’s all. I wanted him to stop the war. I didn’t understand. Then I met you. And everything changed. Now I know the reason I am alive. The reason I made it through ‘Nam. It was all to love you, to be with you. Do you understand?”

  “Yes. I do. When I am here in your arms I feel like I belong somewhere. I’ve been tossed around my entire life. My parents had a fucked up marriage, and because of that, they didn’t even know what I needed. But here with you now, for the first time in my life, I feel loved.”

  “You are. And you always will be. I will love you as long as I live, and when I die I will still continue to love you.”

  “Please, Cricket, stop talking about death.”

  “It’s hard. I’ve seen so much of it that the memory is never far from my mind. I guess the war made me realize that I had no guarantee of a future. So I wa
nt to say all the things I want you to hear. Now and forever…I don’t want to leave anything unsaid.”

  “And you didn’t realize that life was fragile when you were younger and involved with the gangs?”

  “No, not as much. We played at life and death. We had no idea what horror really was. When I got back, I didn’t want any part of that shit anymore. If I could, I wanted to save lives. I wanted to help people who were suffering. It was like this. If I couldn’t help my friends who died in my arms, then maybe I could help strangers in their place. Does that make any sense?”

  “Yeah, sure it does.”

  “I felt so guilty that I lived and they died in those rice fields, so far away from home. Shit, May, the visions haunt me. I close my eyes and I see their faces. Some of them were young fathers with little kids. I know because they used to show the rest of us pictures of their families.”

  “I understand, Cricket,” she whispered, and she smoothed his hair. “I know how hard this is for you.”

  He held her tighter and they gazed out the window at the stars.

  “The world is so beautiful, and so ugly, at the same time,” she said.

  “The world isn’t ugly; people make it ugly.”

  “Did you have a girl before you left for ‘Nam?”

  “Nobody special. Just girls I dated.”

  “Did you ever go to the whorehouses in Vietnam?”

  “Yeah once. That was a real trip. There were naked girls dancing, and I swear some of them were twelve years old. I’m ashamed to admit that I slept with one. I was so fucking lonely, and sex starved. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have told you that.”

  “It’s really okay, Cricket. I don’t blame you for anything you did over there.”

  “Well, you don’t have to. I blame myself enough. There were plenty of things I did that I shouldn’t have done. I’m sorry, but I can’t go back. The past is gone.”

  She nodded.

  “I wish we could get away from here. Away from the gang and from Red. Just start over.”