A Time of Anarchy- Mayan's Story

by Roberta Kagan

  I’m not going

  … But I didn’t.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you, May? I was so ashamed to tell anybody that. I don’t know what made me tell you.”

  “You can tell me anything, Cricket. I won’t repeat anything that you say.”

  “I know. It’s funny, but I believe you. That’s why I feel like I can talk to you.”

  “You can. And I’m sure it was really hard being in ‘Nam.”

  “Harder than you can ever imagine in your wildest fucking dreams. The worst part was that we never really knew who the enemy was. Shit, you know what happened once?” He lit a cigarette, then cleared his throat several times before he could go on talking. “Listen to this fucking story, and it’s the God’s honest truth, too. Me and three of my buddies went into town in Saigon. That shoulda been safe territory, ya know?

  Well, a little girl, she musta been about ten years old called my buddy over begging for candy or money. Ya see, we were the Americans, and the Viet Nammies thought the sun shined out of our asses. They were always coming to us for food and stuff. And lots of times, we gave it to them. We gave them money or whatever they wanted. Especially the kids. It was like so many of the guys missed their own kids, or their little brothers or sisters, that they were real generous with the Vietnamese kids. The problem is that that the Cong knew it, and they used it against us sometimes. Well, anyway, I was drinking a beer, talking to a few other soldiers at this outside bar, and my buddy was buying something to send home to his kid brother from one of the street vendors.

  I could hear him bargaining from at least five feet away. So, anyway, this buddy of mine comes back over to me and he says he’s gonna be right back; he’s gonna give the kid who’s standing over on the other side of the road begging for some candy some candy. The kid had been trying to get our attention, and he felt sorry for her. Hell, we all did shit like that sometimes; I mean, giving the kids food, or candy. It made you feel good to do those kinds of things once in a while. The look on a kid’s face that just a couple of pieces of some sugary crap can bring can really make your day. Anyway, he said she reminded him of his kid sister. Hard to explain. You get so fucking lonely that you cling to anything at all that reminds you of home.

  First, he buys some of these chocolate-covered sweet and sour candy balls. Then he walks over to the little girl with a handful of candy. I see her smile. Then one of the other soldiers said something to me and I turned away to answer him. Before I knew it, there was an explosion. The whole street was full of smoke. People were running in every direction. At first I didn’t know what happened. I ran with everybody else. It wasn’t until a few days later that I found out. You see, that kid with the candy, she wasn’t just some kid; she was Cong.

  They had tied a grenade to her chest. When my buddy got close enough, she pulled the pin. She blew herself up, and him too. Shit. We couldn’t tell who was Cong and who was not. It was terrible. When I think about him, I remember his face the last time I saw him. He was smiling as he went to give the kid the candy. The next thing I knew, he was all blood and body parts flying through the streets. He was only nineteen, May. Just a kid himself.”

  She couldn’t answer. The words were stuck like quicksand in her throat.

  “I still have dreams about ‘Nam. I guess I always will. It isn’t something you just forget, you know?”

  “Yeah, I can imagine.”

  “I wake up at night and I can smell the shit and blood, like I was still right there on the battlefield. Somehow, I’ve got the taste of gunpowder on my lips and tongue, and I’m choking from this crazy gas we used to spray. I open my eyes, and I know that I’m home… I mean I know it is a fact, but I can still see the faces of the dead guys in my unit. There they are right there in my room. They’re looking at me with blank stares, and there’s blood everywhere. So fucking much blood. You know how much blood is inside of a person?”

  She shook her head.

  “An ocean of blood. Fuck, a sea of blood. It pours out and soaks into the ground. Some of it’s bright red and some is almost black. But it feeds back into the earth, and soaks it until it’s red black mud.” He started coughing and chocking. She patted his back, but his face was scarlet.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, but she knew he couldn’t answer.

  Cricket got up and walked away from her. May couldn’t see him, but she heard him retching, and then she heard him vomit.

  When he came back, he was composed.

  “I’m really sorry. That was fucking embarrassing.”

  “No, I understand. It’s really all right.”

  “May, I gotta tell you something I never told anybody else. I’m so ashamed so ashamed.” He said,

  as he hung his head and could not meet her eyes “ Sometimes I feel so damn guilty that I didn’t die over there in country that I want to kill myself. It’s like why the hell was I chosen to live, to have any kind of happiness when all my buddies never had that chance. Then other times, shit now this is really disgusting, but, I think about the dead bodies in the fields and I am secretly filled with a sick kind of joy that I wasn’t one of those poor soldiers laying out there bleeding like suckling pigs in a rice field. Fuck, it’s so hard to explain all the shitty messed up feelings I have all the time, I mean all the time. Even when I’m not talking about the stuff that happened in Nam, it’s still with me, almost like I’m still there, it keeps on pounding in my head and I can’t stop it.

  Once when we were making love you and I, May, I remembered the face of a young Vietnamese girl who had been raped. Our platoon found her sitting on the side of the river, her clothes were all torn up. She was about your age, her face was real dirty and she was all bloody and crying. I remember the blood running down her skinny legs.

  Shit May, I almost puked. Then the worst part of it is, that horrible vision comes back to me at the most special of times…when we are loving each other and it ruins it for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal.”

  “Give it time Cricket. You went through a lot. We’ll work through this together.” May said.

  Chapter 29

  The air was fresh, brisk, but had not yet turned truly cold in the way that only the windy city could turn cold, with the frozen breeze shooting off Lake Michigan. Cricket and May walked slowly through the exhibits, stopping briefly at each one. It was a weekday, so the usual screaming children were blessedly absent. There was an occasional woman with a stroller, but for the most part, it was empty and peaceful. A man with long golden hair and sandals sat on a bench outside the antelope cage, playing folk music on his guitar, but other than that the only sounds came from the animals.

  The chimpanzees sat huddled together, the mothers holding their infants in their arms, while the young chimps ran around climbing trees and playing. All around them the leaves had fallen, looking like a bed of paper jewels.

  “I bet they hate to be in these cages,” May said. “I wonder if they remember what it was like to be free.”

  “Well, some of them were born here, so they don’t know about living in the wild. And it’s probably better for them. Sometimes it’s easier if you don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” They were passing the enclosure of a male lion. “But look at the big cats. They have such sadness and anger in their eyes,” May said

  The next cage held a black panther. It was pacing, its eyes glaring out of the steel bars.

  Cricket glanced over at her. “Could that be how you feel, May?”

  She looked up at him and their eyes locked. “Yes, it is,” she answered. “I can’t go home, and to tell the truth, I’m not exactly what you would call happy with Red. He scares me sometimes. Most of the time.”

  “I knew that you weren’t really happy.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, it’s kinda hard not to see it. Red can be overbearing sometimes, but he’s got a good heart.”

  “Does he Cricket? Does he really?�
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  Cricket looked away. “I don’t know. I would like to think so, but he has so damn much anger. Kinda like that panther. It comes from when we were kids. He always felt like he got the short end of the stick, and he wanted to punish the whole world for it.”

  “And you, Cricket? Didn’t you grow up the same way?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t look at things the same as Red. I mean, yeah it wasn’t good for us. But we have the chance to make it better now, so why stay in that fucked up frame of mind? The hate just don’t get you nowhere. When I was a medic and I was out in the field, it was there that I found that I actually could make a difference in people’s lives. I mean, it made me realize that I’m not just a lump of meat. I have the choice. I can do good things with my life that help other people. Me, Sam, Cricket - I can matter in the world. And well, that made a difference in my way of thinking and in my life. I wanted to help rather than to hurt. It felt good, you know?”

  “Yes, I can imagine that it did. I mean, you saved lives. You eased pain. That’s cool.”

  “I tried. But you know what else I learned? I learned that it was all in God’s hands. That I could give what I had to offer, be it meds or just comfort, but then I had to wait for God’s decision on whether the guy would make it to see another day.”

  “The war really changed you,” she said and she took out a cigarette. Cricket lit it for her.

  “Yes, I guess it did. But not just the war, the army too. It taught me to respect life. Life in all forms. Because life is so damn fragile. This is gonna sound crazy, but when I look at each one of these animals I think about how they are all God’s creatures.”

  “You became religious, too.”

  “Nah, I don’t believe in religion. But I do believe in God. I didn’t for a long time. But, I’ve seen his work. There is something up there, May. Somebody or something who is guiding us. Showing us the way. Teaching us.”

  “Even with all the shitty stuff you’ve been through, you still believe?”

  “Yeah, even more so. Those horrors of war were manmade; people did that. It took me a while to accept that fact. It was not God. God gives us our free will, but he tries to help and guide us along the way. He tries to show us the right direction to take. Even if we fuck up sometimes.”

  “Well, that’s comforting, I guess.”

  “You know what else I believe? I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. And most of the time there is something we have to learn from whatever it is we’re going through.”

  “And what’s the reason that I got myself trapped in that situation with Red?” She stopped and looked him straight in the eyes.

  “You really want to know what I think?” he said, and he looked at her. His eyes were dark and serious.

  “Yes, because I am trapped. I have no money; my mom doesn’t want me to come home. Red won’t let me get a job… Yes, I want to know. Where is God? What is his reason, Cricket? ”

  “It’s me,” he said.

  “You?”

  “Yes, you were supposed to meet me. It was destiny.”

  She looked at him stunned. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because of Red.” She turned away.

  “You and I both know that Red isn’t right for you, and you’re not right for him,” he said, and he took her shoulders and turned her to face him.

  “Yeah, but try telling him that.”

  “As a matter of fact, I intend to.”

  “I don’t think that’s a real good idea,” May said. Her heart was pounding. She was lost in Cricket’s dark eyes.

  “But I know you have the same feelings for me that I do for you, May. I can see it when I look at you.”

  “Cricket. This scares me. I am afraid.”

  “Afraid of your feelings?”

  “Maybe, I don’t know. I’m afraid of Red. I don’t want you to tell him.”

  “We’ll see. If you don’t want me to talk to him I won’t. Let’s not get all wrapped up in Red today. We’re having too good of a time.” He smiled at her.

  “Do you promise?”

  “Of course I promise. I would never do anything to hurt you. If you don’t want me to talk to Red, then I won’t.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Done. Okay? At least for now. I won’t do anything until you say it’s cool. Fair enough?”

  “Yes, thanks.”

  “Don’t thank me. I want you to be happy, and I don’t want to do anything that would cause you trouble.” He smiled at her, touching her face. Her eyes grew luminous. She wanted him to kiss her, but she was terrified, so she turned away.

  He broke the mood. “Hey, want a hot dog?” he asked.

  “Sure.”

  “Come on, let’s go get some food.”

  They ate at a picnic bench under the long, protective branches of a weeping willow tree. When they’d finished, Cricket leaned his back against the tree and looked out across the park.

  “It’s real pretty here,” he said “Makes you wanna forget about the rest of the world. About all the ugly shit out there.”

  “Yeah, it sure does,” May said. She took a cigarette out of her purse, and he lit it. “You want one?”

  He took a cigarette from her pack.

  “If you could go anywhere in the whole world, where would you go?” she asked him.

  “Italy, I think. I’d love to see Venice. I’ve seen pictures, and it’s beautiful.”

  “Yeah, I’ve never been, but I would love to go.”

  “If we were there, we could ride a gondola today and be serenaded by some guy with a crazy scarf around his neck.”

  She giggled. “I’d love to do that.”

  He laughed a little too. “Ya know May, I love to dream. I ain’t never told nobody that before.”

  “I love to dream too. I used to dream that I had this great family that loved me unconditionally. And they gave me nice clothes, and they talked to me, and listened when I needed them,” she said.

  “I used to dream stuff like that too. When Red and I were little, I used to sneak off alone and make all kinds of wishes on stars,” he said, looking off in the distance. “I used to wish that we had our folks back, and that we lived like the kids on TV. You know where the parents actually give a shit about stupid stuff like if you stayed up too late or drank too much pop.”

  “Yep, I know exactly. Like the TV shows where little stuff matters. Stuff like what color dress goes with your fucking hair bow. And the parents get all involved, like the kids lives matter to them,” she said, her face in a weary half-smile.

  He laughed. “Exactly the stuff I’m talking about. Stuff that don’t make no difference to anyone but the kids on the show.”

  She took a deep drag on her cigarette. And for several moments they were both silent.

  “I miss Jill,” May said. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I mean it won’t do any good. She’s gone. But I do miss her so much.”

  “Of course you do. She was your friend. I know how that is when a good friend dies. It really fucks you up.”

  “I’ll say. We were going to go to beauty school together.”

  “You can still go.”

  “Like Red’s gonna let me?”

  “If you want, I’ll ask him for you.”

  “You think it will help?”

  “He’s my brother; he’ll listen to me.”

  “Oh Cricket, it would be so groovy if you could get him to let me go to school. I bet I could get a grant.” She wanted to go, but the idea of fulfilling the dream without Jill made her feel lonely.

  “Yeah, you probably could get some government help. I’ll talk to him.”

  “Cricket.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks,” she said, and her eyes glistened.

  “Sure.”

  She smiled at him.

  “May?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I really like you. I mean, really.” />
  “I know. I can feel it, and it scares me.”

  “Me too,” he said.

  Chapter 30

  Things should have been awkward between Cricket and May, but they weren’t. Now that Cricket had declared his feelings for her, May began to accept her own feelings for him. It was a relief to return to the apartment knowing that Red would be gone for at least a week, maybe more. In fact, the atmosphere was lighter, almost like a party. The ever-present cloud of uncertainty and fear had dissipated the moment Red closed the door that morning. And May loved the liberating feeling of freedom. It was as if the sun had filtered through the apartment windows for the first time, bringing a bright and radiant light that illuminated her soul.

  That evening May and Cricket walked to Cleve’s for hamburgers. Different than Red, Cricket was willing to leave his motorcycle at home and walk, enjoying the sunset and the smoky odor of burning leaves. Cleve came out of the back of the restaurant and gave May a hug. He told May how much the entire staff missed her, and he refused to charge the couple for their food. The cool autumn night settled in slowly as they watched through the restaurant window.

  “I love the fall,” May said. “I love the freshness in the air.”

  “You know, I’ve always hated the fall because it meant winter was coming. But this fall is different. This year it’s special.” He smiled at her and his eyes glassed over. “This year it’s wonderful.”

  “I overheard Red say that you are supposed to keep watch over me, right?”

  “Yeah, the gang got themselves into some shit with another gang, and Red thinks you could be in danger.”

  “That scares me.”

  “Don’t let it. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “Because Red asked you to?”

  “Partially, but more because I like you… A lot.” He looked directly at her. “You’re a good kid, May.”