by M. Garzon
“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” his mother sighed.
“Um, yes,” I murmured politely. Privately I thought that Cameron — and all babies for that matter — looked very much like alien life forms with their hairless heads, toothless, drooling mouths, and spastic movements.
Jaden thankfully took Cameron back from me, suppressing a smile, and I heaved a sigh of relief. I was sweating as though I’d just jumped a course.
“I didn’t know you loved babies so much,” Jaden commented once we were back in the car. He was clearly amused.
I shot him a glare. “Why did you make me hold it?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Babies are a part of life, Téa. It’s an experience everyone should have.” He glanced at me thoughtfully, one hand resting on the wheel. “You’re so good with the kids at the barn, it didn’t occur to me that you wouldn’t like babies.”
“That’s different. At the barn they’re on ponies, I know what to say to them in that situation. Babies are so... strange.”
Jaden threw his head back and laughed the warm, carefree laugh I loved, and it struck me how little I’d heard it that summer. He reached for my hand. “Aren’t you even a little bit interested in babies?”
Sure, in a car-crash sort of way, I thought. The kind where you can’t help looking, all the while thanking your lucky stars it isn’t you. That seemed a bit harsh to admit, so aloud I merely said, “Not really. Being a mom is all about cooking and laundry and cleaning up messes. In other words, things I’m not interested in doing.”
“I think it’s about more than that,” Jaden said.
“Maybe on an abstract level. But practically speaking, you basically become a domestic robot and servant to your kids. And,” my voice dropped to a whisper, “I’m not sure I even like kids.”
“I’m fairly confident that you would like our children,” Jaden said drily, the corner of his mouth twitching up. I was mildly annoyed that he wasn’t taking my feelings of doubt seriously, and I mulled over his words as we made our way to a Thai restaurant for lunch.
“Were you and Colin good friends?” I asked after I’d started on my Pad Thai noodles. Colin seemed different from Jaden’s other friends.
“Not particularly, but we’ve always kept in touch. I’ll probably see more of him now that they’re back in Toronto, especially once the nanny starts next week.”
“They’re getting a nanny? But... that baby looks really new.” I found it jarring that anyone would hand over the care of so helpless a creature to a complete stranger.
“Well, yes. Mandy has to go back to work.”
“So they’re paying someone else to raise their child for them? Don’t you think that’s kind of selfish?”
“Selfish?” I could tell he was honestly shocked.
“Yes. They’re treating their child like some sort of... I don’t know, convenience. Something they’ll spend time on when it suits them.”
“It’s not that black and white, Téa.” He had traveled from shock to the border of irritation. “Mandy can’t simply stop working, she has a career to think of. And it isn’t only the amount of time you spend with a child that matters — it’s the quality.”
“Says the man whose own mother arranged her schedule around her children.” I was getting fired up without even knowing why. “I know more about this than you, Jaden, because I was that kid. The one who got to see her mother for an hour at the end of the day, when we were both tired and frazzled and all we did was eat a quick dinner, shower and go to bed. There was nothing quality about that time.”
“What about weekends?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. “Weekends were for laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning the house. And, sometimes, for activities for Seth and me. But don’t forget my mom worked in retail, so when we were young weekends sometimes meant more daycare.”
He nodded, thoughtful. “That was a difficult situation for you, but a nanny is different from daycare. I went to school with lots of kids who had nannies and they turned out fine.”
“But you had your mom, and you turned out spectacular,” I pointed out.
“In your completely unbiased opinion.” His eyes grew soft, and the corners of his mouth curled up slightly. “I’ll admit, I would prefer it if our children never needed a nanny.” My entire body stiffened. Children were not something I’d ever seriously thought about, but nothing about the idea seemed appealing.
I twirled a long noodle slowly around my fork. “So, you want children, then?” I didn’t look at him as I spoke.
“Well, yes, someday.” His hand covered mine, halting my fork. “I’m not talking about next week, querida.” I peered up from under my lashes to meet his concerned gaze. “Come on, let’s go watch some racing,” he said.
I forgot my discomfort when we got to the racetrack and met Teri’s parents. The Macleods were also watching their daughter race for the first time, and we made our way to seats close to the rail. I was surprised at how crowded the spectator stands were on a cloudless summer weekend and wondered if it was always this way.
Teri wasn’t riding until the fifth race, but we couldn’t see her because she was confined to the jockey’s room. The first four races sped by, and then it was Teri’s turn.
“Hurry, you’re going to miss it,” Mrs. Macleod said excitedly, pulling Mr. Macleod into his spot at her side. He had gone to place a bet on Teri’s horse. Another procession of lean, long-legged Thoroughbreds jogged out, topped by splashes of colorful silk-clad jockeys. I spotted Teri right away, dressed in green and white. She was in the number three position, which meant that once her horse was loaded into the starting gate he had to wait for four more horses. Some horses got very wound up in the gate, but Teri’s mount appeared to be waiting patiently. The bell rang, the gates sprang open, and horses burst forth onto the dirt.
“And they’re off!” exclaimed the announcer.
The horses were on the far side of the track, so their hoofbeats weren’t loud in the air. In my head, though, all was different. My memory responded to the sight of those surging bodies with a burst of sensations — the sharp scent of sweat, the drumbeat of hooves pressing against my eardrums, rubberized reins pulling hard against my sore arms, and the rhythmic rocking of my body, drunk with glorious speed.
As they came around the turn into the homestretch Teri made her move. She was on the rail, two horses back from the leader. Her dark bay colt opened up his stride and swept easily past the horse in second place. He gained steadily on the leader; the finish line was about eight strides away and the roar of the crowd rose as Teri’s horse pulled ahead. Jaden, the Macleods and I were on our feet, cheering loudly. Teri’s colt stretched further, pushing himself, his hind feet landing, then his front ones, then, in seeming slow motion, he crumpled toward the ground, his nose hitting the dirt, his body flying over his head in an awkward, impossible somersault. His body bounced against the track as a stream of horses parted around him and galloped past, the jockey’s faces stark white. The crowd’s roar had turned to shrieks.
There was a loud ringing in my head. And then I heard Teri’s mother scream, the sound ripped from her very soul.
Mr. and Mrs. Macleod rushed toward the rail. Jaden strode forcefully behind them, and I stumbled in his wake, gripping his hand with all my might. We were stopped at the rail by a security guard.
“I’m sorry,” he said, blocking the Macleod’s path. “You can’t-”
“That’s my daughter. That’s my baby!” Mrs. Macleod wailed. She was a small, round woman, but she grabbed the front of the security guard’s shirt and shook him. He didn’t stop her. Mr. Macleod was frozen and blank-faced beside her. Jaden stepped forward and put his arm around Teri’s mom.
“Come on, Marie. Let’s go find out where they’re taking her. We’ll go to the hospital.”
I stared in horror at the track, where Teri’s horse had lurched to his feet. One of his forelegs was grossly misshapen, and he was shaking so hard I didn’t know h
ow he could stay on his remaining three feet. My heart was a spongy mass jammed into the base of my throat; I couldn’t breathe past it. I was balanced precariously on the edge of hysteria, but at that moment the ambulance arrived. We watched as Teri’s small, limp form was lifted onto a gurney and loaded inside. Mrs. Macleod was making noises like a wounded animal. Tears were streaming uninterrupted down my cheeks.
The security guard had been talking on his radio. “They’re taking her to Sunnybrook Hospital,” he said in a choked voice. He placed a dark brown hand on Mrs. Macleod’s shoulder. “I’ll pray for her.”
Jaden herded us all back through the large building and into the parking area.
“I’ll drive,” he said, glancing at the Macleods. I took Mrs. Macleod’s soft hand and we hurried together. The parking lot seemed ten times bigger and it took an age to find the car, but finally, we were inside and Jaden was speeding through traffic. My pulse was loud in my ears, and my brain played the same thought on a repeating loop: She has to be okay. She has to be okay. I couldn’t get the image of the injured horse out of my head, standing wide-eyed and trembling, his leg dangling uselessly.
By the time we’d gotten inside and found a nurse who could answer us, Teri was being prepped for surgery. We couldn’t see her. Teri’s parents went to the admissions desk to fill out forms while Jaden and I found chairs. The air conditioning was on high in the waiting room, and I was soon shivering in my sundress.
“I’ll go get you a sweater,” Jaden offered. I shook my head and slid closer to him on the hard plastic chair. When I rested my head on his shoulder he wrapped both arms around me. He didn’t seem cold, although he was only wearing a thin T-shirt.
My phone beeped. Where are we meeting up later? It was Julia. I’d forgotten our plans to meet with her and Al.
Can’t. At hospital. Ter had an accident. I texted back quickly. There were pictures of crossed-out cell phones posted around the waiting room, but several people had phones in their hands so I hoped the prohibition was against actual calls. My phone rang immediately; I muted it and hurried to the exit to take the call.
After explaining the situation to Julia I realized I’d better call home too since I didn’t know when I’d be back. I choked out an explanation to Dec.
“Oh my God,” he breathed. “How is she?”
“We don’t know,” I whispered.
“Will she live?”
I stayed silent. The fact that I couldn’t answer that question blocked my throat completely.
“I’m coming up there,” Dec said. He hung up. I trailed slowly back to the waiting room, shivering violently at my return to the cold. Jaden was bringing coffee for the Macleods, who had arrived in the waiting room, and he handed them each a cardboard cup before turning and enfolding me in his arms.
“Come to the cafeteria with me.” He kept his arm around me as we walked, and I vibrated constantly against him. He detoured to the gift shop. I didn’t even notice what he was doing until he handed me a sweatshirt. I pulled it on gratefully and rolled the long sleeves up until my hands showed.
We got coffee at the cafeteria. Jaden got a muffin too, but it sat untouched between us.
“When I think of you galloping at the track...” he trailed off hoarsely, but his eyes, as they met mine, were fierce.
“That was almost three years ago and I haven’t done it since,” I reminded him.
He passed a hand through his hair. “Which is fortunate, because I think I would explode if you did.”
I frowned. “Jaden, let’s not make this about me. This is about Teri, and it was an accident.”
We went back to the waiting room, where I sat next to Mrs. Macleod while Jaden paced the halls. Mr. Macleod seemed to be in some kind of shock; he didn’t say a word, just sat and stared unseeingly at the wall in front of him. Every now and then Teri’s mom would pat his knee, but he didn’t seem to notice. The Macleods had always seemed like the most happily married of all my friends’ parents, always chatting to each other companionably. It was hard to see them like this.
“Where’s Tim?” I asked suddenly. Teri’s older brother should have been here, helping his parents.
“He went to the West Coast for work,” Mrs. Macleod whispered. “I don’t know if I should call him. If he needs to-” Her voice cracked, and she started crying quietly. I patted her shoulder, feeling useless.
Julia rushed in, and I jumped up and hugged her tightly. When I let go she sat next to Mrs. Macleod and held both her hands.
“How is she?” Julia asked.
Teri’s mom drew a shaky breath. “She has a few broken ribs, and one of them punctured a lung. Her spleen’s ruptured and will probably need to be removed. Other than that, we don’t know.”
Julia turned haunted eyes on me.
“Take a walk with me,” I suggested. Once we were out of earshot I told her the rest. “Ter didn’t regain consciousness between the accident and the hospital. That’s got the doctors concerned.” We found Jaden and together returned to the waiting room.
The waiting was interminable. Dec arrived; he gave me a hard hug before going to sit with Jaden.
Finally a round-faced, middle-aged woman in scrubs came to find us. “I’m the traumatologist who treated your daughter,” she told the Macleods. “She came through surgery well, considering the damage. She’s in recovery. You should be able to see her in a couple of hours.”
We breathed a collective sigh of relief and moved to another floor to await Teri’s arrival. When she was finally wheeled up a stern nurse blocked our way.
“Family only,” she snapped.
Teri’s mother seized my hand. “We’re her parents, and this is her sister.”
I stood at the foot of the bed as Teri’s parents each took a side. They murmured to her and patted her gingerly. I swallowed hard. There didn’t seem to be much left undamaged. Her nose was broken, her eyes were swollen and discolored, her right arm was strapped tightly to her body, while the left was hooked up to an IV.
Teri opened her eyes slowly. “Don’t cry, Mom.” Her voice was weak and raspy. Teri’s mom cried harder, and her dad came and led her to a chair. I moved to the bedside.
Teri blinked at me groggily. “I must look like crap for you all to be so freaked.”
“You might have to blow off the pageant this weekend,” I admitted.
“How’s the colt?”
I hesitated, wondering whether I should lie. “I think his racing career is over,” I said finally. I reached across the bed and took her undamaged hand. It felt cold and small, but she squeezed my fingers weakly.
The nurse came in and shooed us out. Jaden and Dec were leaning against the wall; they straightened up expectantly as we spilled into the hallway.
“She’s awake,” I said. Jaden took my hand and I leaned against him, needing the support. Dec hugged Teri’s mom and shook hands with her dad before we headed for the exit. Teri’s parents were staying.
“I tried to tell them not to let their little girl be a jockey,” Dec groaned when we were around the corner. He spun suddenly and grabbed me by one arm.
“Do you see what happens when you won’t hear reason?” he demanded, shaking me. It wasn’t a particularly gentle shake, either.
“Hey!” Jaden wrapped his arm around me and pulled me from Dec’s grasp. “Ease up, Dec — she just saw her best friend almost die, for God’s sake.”
“Exactly,” Dec snapped, “and it could have been her!” He turned his glare on me, his blue eyes burning peculiarly hot. “This was your mother’s nightmare, Téa. Because you’re not simply oblivious to danger, you actively court it.”
“How is this-” I started, but Jaden’s arm was still around me and he tightened his fingers, warning me to let it drop. I clenched my teeth together. I didn’t want to be fighting right now, but I was indignant that everyone was extrapolating this accident into something that could befall me. I wasn’t a jockey; riding jumpers was far less dangerous.
I took a
breath. “Are you going home or to Joanne’s?” I asked Dec as civilly as I could. He usually spent time with his girlfriend on Saturdays.
“Home. Someone has to take care of the barn, I’ve barely seen Joanne in weeks. Gran and Catherine can’t keep up with lessons on their own.”
Guilt kicked me in the stomach. “I’m sorry about that,” I murmured sincerely. “But... Dec, can I stay at Jaden’s tonight? I want to come and see Ter in the morning.” I asked permission anxiously, half-expecting him to say ‘no’ out of anger.
He gave a tired nod. “Okay.”
It was dark when we got outside. Jaden and I were quiet in the car.
“Oh no — Julia!” I exclaimed suddenly. “I forgot to say bye to her.”
“She left while you were in seeing Teri. She had to meet Al.”
I scowled. “There’s something weird about that relationship. Julia’s never preferred to spend time with a boyfriend than with Teri and me, and she certainly wouldn’t have left at such an emotional time.”
He glanced at me. In the dashboard’s glow, his angular face seemed severe. “Maybe it’s the first time she’s been this serious about someone. When your relationship is a priority, you learn to make concessions.”
I covered my face with my hands. “Is it me, or is everything being turned back against me today?” My complaint came out muffled.
Jaden tugged one of my hands away and kept it in his. “You’re right, now’s not the time to talk about this.” And since I agreed with the no talking part, I didn’t ask what the ‘this’ referred to.
We trudged up the stairs, and I leaned on the wall while Jaden unlocked the door.
“Pizza?” he suggested. I shrugged, past caring. I collapsed on the couch, and when he was done calling he sat next to me and pulled my legs onto his lap. He began rubbing my feet.
“You know, Dec has a point,” he said quietly. His eyes remained my feet. “Riding jumpers is dangerous.”
“Says the polo player.”