by M. Garzon
“By the time my body heals I’ll be crazy from living at home again.” Teri sighed.
“What are you going to do?”
She answered promptly, but of course, she’d had lots of time to consider the question. “I’m going back to school to be a nurse like I wanted before. I don’t think I could race again, not after what happened.”
“I guess you’ll start in January?”
She nodded. The start of my own school year was just over a week away, but I’d be missing the first week if — when — I went to Spruce Meadows, and I hadn’t broken the news to Dec yet.
I decided to take the bull by the horns when I got home. First I found Dec in the kitchen and handed over the money I’d won at Angelstone.
“We can replace all the light fixtures you want,” I said.
Dec gave me a puzzled look. He counted the money, his brows climbing steadily, and then split the stack of bills in half and handed me one.
“Here. Keep some for yourself.”
I shrugged. “I’ll win more.” I fidgeted, then went to the coffeemaker and started making coffee so I’d have something to do with my hands. “The Donalds want Hades to do the Spruce Meadows Masters,” I said without looking at Dec. “It’s a huge opportunity, and-”
“And it’s in September,” Dec interrupted. “You’ve got school.”
I pushed the ‘on’ button and turned around. “Yes, but I’d only miss the first week, nothing much happens then.” That wasn’t strictly true, but I was confident I could catch up. I raised my eyes warily to Dec’s face. I expected a gathering storm, but instead his expression was thoughtful.
He leaned back against the counter opposite me. “Téa, you need to start putting school first. This is your life we’re talking about.”
“But Dec, riding is my life,” I said plaintively.
He came and stood before me. He wasn’t angry; instead, he rested his large hands on my shoulders and looked at me while he spoke.
“Honey, you’re still too young to have a sense of perspective about this. You don’t fully understand how your choice of job will affect every aspect of your life — where you live, your health, the kinds of people you deal with every day. I’m doing this because I want what’s best for you. I want you to get away from hard labor, to be able to take a vacation once in a while and not to always struggle for money.”
Earnestness radiated from him like a halo. I swallowed. I’d expected a fight, something to rail against and defy, but I didn’t know how to argue with this. Somehow this gentle, concerned version of Dec disarmed me more completely than the angry version ever could.
The coffeepot burbled behind me as he went on. “What happens at the next big show, or the one after that? Hades is worth a small fortune now; eventually, the Donalds will sell him or get a rider who can travel with him full-time.”
I studied the white-tiled floor. “You know, I was thinking... things are going so well, maybe I could take a year off school.”
He didn’t respond right away, so I chanced looking at him.
“You drop out of school and I’ll sell Cal so fast it’ll make your head spin.” Gone was the reasonable-sounding father making heartfelt speeches about my future. His face was hard and implacable, and I felt myself harden in response.
I’d never bothered to transfer Cal’s papers from Dec’s name into my own. A grave oversight, I realized in retrospect.
“Is that why you bought him, to use as leverage?” It was a mean thing to suggest, but my frustration was prodding me.
“You think I’m using him to control you? Téa, why do you think I’m keeping this entire barn? Joanne’s been hounding me for months to move in with her, my siblings want me to sell so they can get their money, but I’m working my tail off in my second choice of business so we can continue to live here, all so that you can have stability and finish school.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I stared at him with my mouth gaping open. “What... what about Gran?” I whispered finally. I desperately wanted someone else to be at least partly responsible for this burden.
Dec sighed. “Yes, Gran’s happy that we’re keeping the place. But she understands that we’ll eventually need to sell. My argument to Peter and Penny is that I don’t want to disrupt your life and income while you’re in school. If you drop out, my argument goes out the window.”
I deflated so far that I was surprised not to find myself pooling onto the floor. I nodded to Dec to show that I understood — I understood too well, now — and shuffled slowly upstairs to my bedroom. I fell forward onto the bed, hid my face in my arms, and lay without moving, my thoughts circling like lazy vultures.
It was hours later when Gran called up the stairs to ask me to join her for tea. Guilt made my tread heavy on the stairs. The teapot was already on the table, steaming. I sat across from Gran and tried to answer her questions about the show.
“Something on your mind, dear?” she asked after a minute.
I considered. Gran was probably the one person besides Dec who could give me some answers. “Why is Dec so hung up on me going to school? And why is he so willing to sell this place? You spent your life building this business and you raised three kids here.”
Gran’s brow furrowed in thought. “I’ll try to explain. It may not be the only reason, mind, but a large part is his father’s doing.”
I started feeling uncomfortable — most of the stories I’d heard about Dec’s dad, Jim Foster, weren’t exactly complimentary. Gran topped up our teacups before she began.
“Jim had a difficult life. He was the only one of his siblings who wasn’t well-educated: one of his brothers was a judge, the other a teacher, and his sister a physician. Their father demanded that all his children do well at school, but your Granddad was severely dyslexic. It wasn’t understood in those days, and his father thrashed him regularly for doing poorly at school, thinking he wasn’t applying himself.”
I was staring at Gran, feeling bowled over with sudden understanding. My tea sat untouched, but now I wrapped my hands around the cup, needing the warmth.
“It was through sheer force of will that your Granddad rose through the ranks of the army,” Gran remembered. “But he never overcame the stigma of being the uneducated one and he was determined that his children should outdo him. Partly, I suppose, as a matter of pride — in order to prove to his family that his children were bright enough to succeed.” She paused, looking at me carefully. “Dec showed talent for riding from an early age, you know. I was very proud of him, but I knew his father wanted more for him, so I didn’t interfere when he pushed him into university.”
“But...” I hesitated, then went on quietly, not looking at her. “If Granddad knew how awful it was, why did he hit his own kids?”
Gran sighed. “It was the only way he knew. And you must remember, at the time it wasn’t considered as improper as it is now. Why, even the schools used corporal punishment.”
I nodded, feeling some consternation that I actually felt sympathy for Granddad.
She smiled slowly at me. “He would have liked you, Téa. He would have admired your hard work and perseverance.”
That made me feel even stranger, but I sat with Gran and we finished our tea.
* * *
That evening I went to Jaden’s. It was raining when I left, but my hair was still wet from the shower so I didn’t mind. Large splotches dotted my baby-blue T-shirt and white shorts as I ran to my car. I tried to sort out my tangled mess of thoughts during the drive. I was quite anxious to get to one part of our ‘unfinished business’, and equally reluctant to tell Jaden that I’d be leaving the next day for another show.
I dashed up the steps to the second floor and let myself in. Jaden was sitting at the high counter that separated the kitchen from the living room, and at the sight of me he closed his laptop and padded over, his bare feet quiet on the dark wood floors. He was wearing faded cutoff jeans and nothing else. Without a word I slipped my arms aro
und him and rested my face against his golden skin. He smelled of soap and aftershave, and when his arms closed around me every tightly wound worry within me eased. This is what safety feels like, I thought, my eyes closed.
A low chuckle vibrated through him. “You’re all damp. And you smell good — like rain in a citrus grove.”
I unwound myself long enough to take his hand and head for the bedroom. I stopped next to the bed and peeled my T-shirt off. His eyebrows crept up.
“I believe we left something unfinished,” he remarked.
“We’re taking care of that right now,” I breathed, running my hands down his arms.
He caught my hands in his, stilling them. Amusement warred with desire in his eyes. “I was referring to our conversation. Once I sleep with you, what assurance do I have that you’ll actually talk to me?”
I grinned and stepped forward, gluing my bare skin to his. “I guess you’ll have to take your chances.”
We lay in a tangle of sheets afterward, my head nestled on his shoulder. He held one of my hands against his chest and I felt the reassuring thump of his heart slow to its normal, steady rhythm.
“Doesn’t staying home more often sound like a good idea?” he murmured.
“Right now, anything you say is going to sound good,” I said, kissing his chest. “But how about you come on the road with me more often?”
His sigh ruffled my hair. “You know I can’t, querida. My job is here.”
“And my job takes me places.”
“Please tell me we’re not having a ‘whose job is more important’ argument,” Jaden groaned. “I feel like my parents.”
I shifted my head onto a pillow so I could look at him. “What do you mean?”
“We were supposed to temporarily move away once, but my mom’s practice is here and she didn’t want to leave her patients. She used to complain that my dad acted as though his job was more important than hers solely because he made more money.”
“Oh. What did they do?”
“He ended up living in Hong Kong for eight months without us.”
“It worked out, then.”
He rolled onto his side to face me, his head pillowed on his arm, his face pensive. “I don’t know... I think that time apart made us realize how much calmer life was without the constant threat of my dad’s anger in the house. I think it made my mom see that we — and me in particular — would be happier without him.”
I felt a sudden chill and pulled the sheet up to my chin. I’d never feel happier without Jaden.
“In any case, our issue isn’t so much a question of whose job as it is which job. What career will you be choosing, Téa?” his voice was soft.
“Well, right now there’s really only one,” I hedged. One year of biology did not a vet make. I smoothed down the corner of the pillow as I spoke. “And my current career... well, it’s taking me to Spruce Meadows,” I hesitated. “In two days.” I didn’t look at him, but I felt him stiffen.
“You made plans to leave again without talking to me first?”
“You don’t consult me when you make decisions about your job!”
“That’s different — you knew we had things to resolve regarding your traveling.” He rolled out of bed and yanked on his jeans. He jerked up the zipper while his eyes pinned me in place on the bed. “You can’t build a relationship on unilateral decisions, Téa. What if I don’t want you to go?”
“It’s too late,” I protested.
He planted his hands on his hips. “Come here,” he demanded.
Incoherent anger swept over me. I shot to my feet and threw the pillow at him. Then I grabbed a shirt and marched out to the living room, leaving his perplexed, wrathful face behind.
I pulled the shirt on as I paced the living room. It turned out to be Jaden’s and it hung halfway down to my knees. Frustration and fear and inexplicable rage were roiling around inside me, and I dropped onto the couch and put my face in my hands, my elbows on my knees. After a minute I heard Jaden move into the kitchen behind me and put the kettle on.
“Is it safe to come out yet?” he called.
“Venture forth at your own risk,” I growled. It was muffled by my hands.
I felt him sink down next to me on the couch. “So, have you figured it out yet?”
“Hey, I don’t do the psychoanalysis around here, remember? That’s what I have you for.”
“Nice that you’ve finally found a use for me,” he said drily. I sighed and looked at him, finally. His expression was gentle.
“I had my hands on my hips,” he said.
I frowned. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Think, Téa. Picture Dec when he’s angry.”
“Oh, no,” I groaned. “That’s all it takes to set me off? I’m a freak.” I’d been shocked by the sudden surge of anger I’d felt, anger that seemed out of proportion to our argument.
I met his eyes. “Sorry.”
He reached for me, and I flowed into his arms with a sigh. “It probably wouldn’t upset you under normal circumstances,” he reassured me. “But things have been rather tense.”
“I’m sorry about that, too,” I admitted in a small voice. “But I don’t know what to do about it.”
He shifted so that he was facing me and took both my hands in his. “What do you want out of life, Téa? Don’t think about it, just answer.”
“I want to go to the Olympics,” I said promptly. “And I want to be with you.” I curled one leg under me.
He nodded slowly. “So I come second.”
“What? No! It just... came out that way.” But even as I protested, I wondered. I’d never been one of those little girls who dream about getting married. When I dreamt as a child, it was about how old I’d be when I made it to the Olympics (for the first time). I’d wonder how many Grand Prix horses I’d have, and what countries I would compete in each year. Love and marriage and kids — they never entered into that. Some part of my twelve-year-old brain had probably assumed I’d have a partner, but the relationships that were the main focus of my imaginings were the ones with my horses. And if I had fallen in love with anyone other than Jaden, that would probably still be the case. Only a love as all-consuming, intense, and larger-than-life as my passion for Jaden could have a hope of competing with my lifelong obsession with horses.
Jaden watched my eyes fill. I kept them open wide, willing the tears not to spill.
“Don’t you think you’ll want a family someday?” His voice was very soft.
I hesitated. “Growing up on the show circuit isn’t a good life for a kid. They don’t go to a regular school, don’t have neighborhood friends, don’t have a home. They grow up... I don’t know, rootless. They exist as satellites of their parent’s career.”
“I don’t mean now, you’re far too young. I mean in ten or fifteen years.”
When I looked at him blankly he frowned. “You think you’ll still be showing then. Téa, how many riders stay in one piece long enough to compete at that level for that long?” I could tell his temper was beginning to flare.
“Ian Millar was on the Olympic team more than ten times,” I reminded him. “Our sport has more longevity than most.”
“He’s the exception! God, Teri’s barely out of the hospital. Are you truly so blind to the risk you’re taking?”
“I could be a librarian and spend my days indoors, never taking any kind of chance, and get hit by a bus!” I burst out. “Sure, riding jumpers is riskier than some things, but nothing in life is completely safe.”
He let go of my hands and closed his eyes. I watched his chest rise and fall as he worked to calm himself. I quickly wiped my tears so he wouldn’t see. When he opened his eyes I was ready for him.
“Tell me something,” he said. “If you achieve your goals, how many months a year would you be on the road?”
I wrapped my arms around myself. I tried to maintain eye contact with Jaden but, at the last minute, I chickened out and my head dropped f
orward. “About ten.”
I heard his sudden intake of breath. “And you never felt it would be a good idea to discuss that with me?” he asked sharply. “I think I’ve been quite clear in my intentions. I want us to have a life together.”
“Yes,” I stammered, “I just didn’t think... I mean, I didn’t realize you’d want that so soon.”
He gave me a disbelieving look. “I was in law school for three years. During all that time you watched me building a new life here, and you never thought to mention that you’d be elsewhere?”
“I thought you knew,” I protested, not for the first time.
“How could I? In the two years we’ve been together you were always at the barn, until this summer. Now suddenly you’re never there.” His accusation was as cutting as his tone, and I turned away from him. I drew my knees up, pulled the large shirt over them, and buried my face in my arms.
I felt him rise. The kettle must have clicked off automatically while we spoke; I heard him turn it on again. It boiled quickly this time, and a minute later the aroma of French-pressed coffee stole into my nostrils. I heard the muffled thud as he placed mugs on the coffee table in front of me.
I looked up to find his face as dismayed as mine, though his wasn’t wet. “What are we going to do?” I whispered.
He sat next to me and looked into his mug. “That’s up to you.”
Eleven
I didn’t even remember driving home. My mind was like a hamster on a wheel, running through the same conversation over and over again. I wanted nothing more than to go cry myself to sleep, but I had another unpleasant conversation to face first.
I found Dec in his office. It wasn’t my first choice of places to talk to him; it held too many memories of being taken to task for various misdemeanors and it made me feel like a child, rather than the assertive adult I needed to be now. He looked up from his laptop as I walked in.
“Dec.” I stuck my hands in my pockets and willed myself to look him in the eye. “There’s a van coming to pick up Hades in the morning.” I faltered as he frowned. “To take him to Spruce Meadows,” I finished.