by M. Garzon
The storm I’d expected that morning was clearly fast approaching.
“I would’ve told you earlier, but I just found out,” I said quickly. That was true — Monica had called that afternoon with the details of our travel plans.
“You know very well that’s not the problem,” Dec growled. He stood up stalked around the large desk to face me. I resisted the urge to back up. “This morning when we talked, everything was already all set for you to leave.” He was making a statement, not asking. I didn’t say anything. “What will you do if I say no, Téa? If I put my foot down right now and say you’re not going?”
I gulped. I’d had that very nightmare. If I didn’t go I’d lose Hades, of course, because after spending that much money to get their horse to Calgary the Donalds would probably find another rider for him. And I’d lose all credibility. On the other hand, if I defied Dec, I could lose much more — my own horse, the approval of my only parent, maybe even, if he were mad enough, my home.
“Please don’t,” I pleaded in a whisper. I couldn’t justify what I had done — at the very least, I should have given him more notice — so I didn’t even try. I simply looked into his eyes and begged. “I’ll stay in school. I’ll get all As. I’ll work hard in the barn. Just... please let me go to this one last show.”
He scowled across the room for a minute while my heart raced and my palms sweated.
“You’re making me the bad guy here for doing what I think is best for you. Your mom was always adamant that you get a good education, she didn’t want you to end up stuck in a dead-end job like her...”
His voice droned on, saying “it’s not safe” and “your mother wouldn’t like it”, but inside my head all I heard was You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.
“Mom is dead,” I burst out. “I can’t live my life second-guessing what she would’ve wanted.”
The second the words left my mouth I froze in fear. Dec’s stricken look hardened quickly into one of resolve. He turned and marched to the door.
“Wait!” I ran and caught his arm but he wouldn’t look at me. “I’m sorry. That was mean.”
He glanced at me then. “Yes, it was.” He pulled his arm away and left the room, leaving me feeling much worse than if he’d simply hit me as I’d half-expected.
I pressed the heels of my hands hard against my eyes. Was there anything else I could screw up today?
I went and did the bedtime check, slouching slowly around the barn as I took care of every possible detail. I was avoiding the house, but I knew I couldn’t leave things as they were. A square of yellow light indicated that Dec was back in his office, and I took several deep breaths on my way through the cooling dark to the house.
I tapped quietly on the door before going in. Dec was working at his laptop. I swallowed hard before I walked around the desk, leaned over, and put my arms around him.
After a minute he patted my arm. “It’s okay,” he said.
I straightened up, keeping one hand on his shoulder. “It’s just... I already have a dad trying to make all my decisions for me. To also consider mom’s memory-”
I stopped as he looked swiftly up at me. It was the first time I’d ever called him my dad, at least in his presence, and the look on his face said that he knew it. He smiled, and the blue of his eyes, like a shifting ocean current, went suddenly warm. He rolled his chair back to look at me fully; my hand fell away from his shoulder.
“I don’t like how you handled this, Téa. You should have talked to me before the decision was made.”
I nodded miserably.
“You’re awfully young to be going halfway across the country by yourself,” he muttered.
Relief washed over me so suddenly it nearly bowled me over, but I tried not to let it show. “I wouldn’t be by myself, Karen’s going too.” The Donalds would be there as well, but since Dec didn’t know them well they wouldn’t count, to him. He wanted someone he could hold accountable for me.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s good. Karen knows Spruce.”
I resisted the urge to cheer. “Does that mean... can I...”
He gusted out a sigh. “Yeah. You can go.”
* * *
Hades left the next morning, bundled up for his ride on the luxury van that would deliver him to Spruce Meadows the following day. After a day and a half in transit, he’d have another day and a half to recover and acclimatize before his first class. Tania would be there to meet him and care for him until I arrived.
My relief over being allowed to go couldn’t lift the weight of my conversation with Jaden, and I hadn’t slept much the night before. My dejected air drew some questions, but I brushed them off. What could I say? ‘Oh, just trying to decide between my lifelong dream and the love of my life’? That was a tad melodramatic. There was only one person I could talk to when things were this sticky, so at lunchtime I went to my room and found the number of the stud farm where Seth was working. I’d called there once before but Seth had been out, and I’d left a message. He’d never returned the call, but I was prepared to forgive him for the chance to share my worries.
A woman answered the phone. Her Irish accent was almost incomprehensible; when I asked for Seth I couldn’t understand her response.
I tried again. “I’m looking for Seth Everson?” I enunciated clearly, hoping she’d do the same.
“Ah, yes, the boy’s moved on now ye see.”
“Pardon me?”
“He’s moved on. No longer employed here.”
It took me a moment to remember to thank her. I put the phone down with a shaking hand and opened my laptop.
You are in SO MUCH TROUBLE. CALL ME!
I sent him the message using Facebook, email, and chat, though he wasn’t online. Then I texted the same thing, feeling impotent and anxious. After a minute I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I took a few deep breaths and tried to quiet my nerves while I stretched out with my invisible senses. Sometimes, in times of crisis, Seth and I had been able to ‘feel’ each other, or at least, know that something was wrong. I didn’t sense anything now, but neither was there a gaping hole anywhere and I felt sure there would be if something terrible had happened to him. I got up, disgruntled but calmer, to go back to work.
Sheer exhaustion helped me to sleep better that night. I hadn’t talked to Jaden since our ill-fated conversation, and it was eating away at me, but I kept myself occupied. I had already bought myself a new raincoat, but if I was going to be riding on TV I figured I’d better dress the part. I went to the tack shop and bit the bullet. I bought myself new riding boots and two pairs of breeches. Thank goodness I had the jacket Jaden had bought me the year before, because as it was I spent more money than I’d ever spent on myself at one time. When I got home I finished packing and went to the barn to say bye to everyone. Excitement over my trip was running high, and all the hugs and squeals of delight couldn’t help but raise my spirits somewhat.
“Good luck,” Elise said shyly as I headed back outside.
I stopped and looked at her in surprise. “Thanks.” To my immense relief, Brittney wasn’t going to Spruce Meadows with us.
I went into the ring to say bye to Gran. She was teaching, her floppy sunhat perched at a jaunty angle.
“Take care of yourself,” she said. “Will all your classes be televised?”
“I don’t know, but check the Horse Junkies United website — if there’s any video, they’ll have it.” I hesitated, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry about all the work I’ve been leaving, Gran.”
“Oh, posh. I’ve missed teaching, and I didn’t realize how much until this summer. You’d best go, your chauffeur is waiting.”
I turned to see Kabir waving at me from behind the fence. He walked me to the house and helped get my bags out of my bedroom, but on our way through the living room Dec stepped out of his office.
“I’ll take this.” Kabir grabbed my suitcase away from me and went outside, and I went to say goodbye
to Dec.
“Look, Téa, I know how things can get at these big shows. Your adrenaline gets going, there are parties, people are away from home and feeling adventurous...” He stopped and cleared his throat while I waited, puzzled. “What I’m saying is, be good. Be careful. Listen to Karen. And take this.” He handed me a small piece of plastic; it took me a second to realize it was a credit card.
My eyes flew up to his face. I didn’t know what to say.
“It’s for emergencies,” he explained gruffly. “I don’t want you to have to rely on the Donalds if you need something.”
I felt my throat tighten and my eyes fill with gratitude. “Thanks,” I whispered.
He hugged me quickly before walking me out into the bright sun. He shook Kabir’s hand. “It was nice having you around again, young man.” Kabir had come over a few times during the summer, but he was headed back to California for school.
“So.” Kabir grinned over at me once we were on the road.
“So, you and Ter looked pretty cozy the last time I saw you,” I remarked. Kabir and Teri had been on the couch, and there seemed to be an awful lot of space on the cushions beside them.
“I have to do my part to make the poor girl feel better.” He sobered. “It’s awful, seeing her like that. And I’m leaving soon... we don’t want to start anything, not when she’s going through so much and I’ll be away.”
“But you would, otherwise?” I asked.
He nodded, and his dimples reappeared, like whirlpools in his milk-chocolate skin.
I met Karen at the airport; it was just us because the Donalds had taken an earlier plane so they could declare their horse before the deadline. It was only my second time on a plane, but to Karen the whole thing was commonplace and once the plane took off she promptly fell asleep. I was relieved because I had a lot to think about, on top of my nerves over the upcoming show, and I didn’t think I’d be much use for conversation.
I tried to keep my mind off the giant question mark that was my future. I watched the movie and had some snacks, and the four-hour flight went by quickly. When we landed I dragged our luggage on a cart while Karen got her rental car. It annoyed me to no end that I wouldn’t be old enough to rent a car for several years yet; it meant that I was stuck relying on taxis or lifts at every show that wasn’t within driving distance.
Karen drove to the motel. It was dusk, and I craned my neck to keep my eyes on the Rocky Mountains, their snow-capped peaks gilded by the sun’s last rays.
“Wow.” I turned to Karen. “I’m really here.” I felt a thrill of excitement that I’d felt only once before, when I’d traveled to Florida with Jaden. It was the thrill not only of new discoveries but also of complete and utter freedom.
We got to the motel in the dark. It was clean and welcoming, and after dumping my bags on my bed I washed my face and ran a brush through my hair because Karen wanted to go out to eat. We reached the elevator at the same time as a towering blond man. When the doors opened he politely allowed Karen and me to get in before following. I tried not to stare at him, but I couldn’t help glancing up once in a while. I was just over five foot two inches tall, and this man was more than a foot taller than me. As we reached the ground floor his eyes slid over to me, and he smiled slightly. I smiled back before looking away quickly, embarrassed to have been caught staring.
We went to a nearby pita place. “That was one of the tallest people I’ve seen,” I remarked as we sat down. “He had to be six five.”
Karen smirked at me around her bite of overstuffed pita. “Did he look at all familiar?” she asked when she’d swallowed.
“Yeah, he did,” I said thoughtfully.
“Maybe because it was Jo Van der Meer,” she said drily.
I gasped. My pita fell onto my tray, spilling shredded lettuce. Jo Van der Meer was a Dutch jumper rider and the reigning world champion. His first name was pronounced “Yo”, which I always found funny.
“Oh no, I was staring at him in the elevator. He’s going to think I’m some kind of groupie,” I moaned.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s used to it.”
I called Jaden before bed. I wanted to share my excitement, and I needed to hear his voice. I was afraid he wouldn’t be as happy to hear from me, but I should have known better.
“Corazon,” he answered warmly. “I miss you already.”
The tight knot of uncertainty inside me slipped loose at his words. I felt a rush of love, followed by remorse. “Me too. I’m so sorry about the way we left things,” I whispered. Karen was in the shower, but I was afraid my voice would crack if I spoke any louder.
“Don’t worry about it now,” he said. “Enjoy the experience, and please — be safe.”
* * *
We had a quick breakfast at the motel early the next morning before heading to the showgrounds. I couldn’t help gawking; I’d been to some nice facilities but Spruce Meadows outshone them all. Endless mowed green in all directions, opulent landscaping, and attractive red-roofed buildings were separated by strategically placed evergreens. In the distance, the Rocky Mountains sparkled, their white peaks vivid against the blue sky. I’d seen pictures of this place, of course, and watched countless tournaments on television, but neither of those had conveyed its sheer size or its sense of grandeur. I spun slowly around, absorbing the details.
“You’ll have time to sight-see later,” Karen said, taking my arm. “Let me show you the barns.”
The stabling at Spruce wasn’t housed in temporary tents like it was at most shows. Here, rows of long white barns housed visiting equine athletes in comfort. I followed Karen into a large barn and immediately spotted Hades. He stuck his nose between the bars and nickered when he saw me. It was an affectionate greeting, and I hurried to his side and made a fuss over him, realizing that the few days we’d spent apart must have worried him.
“He’s been harder to handle than usual,” Tania commented beside me. “I hope he’ll settle down now that he’s seen you.” She wiped her hands on her jeans, which were already grass-stained and smeared with hoof oil. It was the sign of a good groom, I thought — she cared more about the horse’s appearance than her own, and she talked about how he was feeling before mentioning anything about her own trip. I smiled, feeling lucky to have found her.
Hades had a class that afternoon; the jumps were on the small side for him, since I was using it primarily as a chance for him to look around. I met Monica and Neil for coffee first. Monica was aflutter with excitement, and they seemed to have met several other horse owners already, although I wasn’t sure how. Rich person’s radar, maybe.
“I hear that Irish horse is here,” Neil commented. “The one that just sold for a million euros. I hope she’ll be in one of Hades’ classes.”
I almost choked on my coffee. I was decidedly hoping she wasn’t. I explored a bit afterward, visiting the tack shop, which was open year-round and housed in a building rather than a tent or truck, and wandering through the various buildings. My tour left me feeling quite insignificant, and I was happy to go back to the barn to help get Hades ready for his class. I noticed a security guard on my way in — not the first one I’d seen — and a small element of tension eased inside me. Hades was undoubtedly safe here.
We had lots of time before our class, so after Tania gave me a leg up I let Hades roam the grounds on our way to the distant warm-up ring. I was hoping it would calm him because he was acting very excitable. I didn’t know whether it was the long trip or Alberta’s crisp, thin air, but he snorted and jogged and generally acted like a cannon about to go off. We drew quite a few curious stares, which I did my best to ignore. I knew that I looked like a kid on a pony riding Hades, and his bad behavior was doubtless making people a bit nervous. It didn’t help that I was already in awe of my surroundings and of the riding superstars all around me. Karen was waiting for me at the schooling ring. She tilted her head up to get a good look at us from under the brim of her cap.
“Well, it’s a goo
d thing we have time for some schooling,” was her only comment. I worked at getting Hades to relax and soften, but every perfectly behaved horse that passed us only increased my sense of unworthiness.
“That’s as good as he’s gonna get,” Karen said finally, after we’d jumped a fence in a reasonable manner a couple of times. I let Hades walk, staying away from the other riders as much as possible while I pondered what I was up against.
Seth and I had gotten riding lessons for our ninth birthday, something we’d spent years clamoring for. It had quickly become apparent that he was the more talented rider, physically speaking. He had strength and coordination I’ll never enjoy. But what I did have — and I had it in spades — was fire. My passion for horses burned like a pyre, consuming every reasonable thing it encountered. The fact that my passion was expressed through riding jumpers was because my coach was one of Canada’s best hunter/jumper trainers. Under different circumstances, I might have found myself eventing or doing dressage or riding reining horses — it was the horses that were my heart’s center. And as Karen had pointed out, by some miracle horses seemed to love me too. That was my sole distinguishing characteristic, and it had gotten me to this point. Now, however, I’d be facing riders who not only had fantastically trained horses and bottomless pots of money, but also a burning drive to match my own.
When it was my turn to ride into the ring my heart thumped in a way it hadn’t done in years. I put my leg on to ask Hades to canter and he decided to do a side-pass instead, snorting and moving sideways in an elevated, dramatic trot. I felt my face flame and asked again, much harder this time, and he burst forward into a wildly energetic canter. I focused on remembering my course; the height wasn’t a challenge for Hades and we didn’t have any rails down, but I wasn’t proud of our performance and I hunched down in my saddle as we exited the ring. Normally Hades would relax now that he knew his job was over, but today his head stayed up and his step remained springy.
I decided to cool him off myself.
“What’s going on with you, buddy? You’re overdoing the drama a bit, you know.” I patted his neck and lengthened my reins as he finally dropped his head and calmed down. I was heading back to the barn when Tania dashed up to us.