Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 24
didn't know it, sah," said the negro.
"Didn't know it was mine? Then why did you give it to me?"
"Because you gave it to me, sah."
* * * * *
"How small have you felt?" she asked anxiously.
"Well," he replied, "I have felt as small as a man in the presence ofthe head plumber."
"That isn't enough."
"I have felt as small as the Prohibition nominee for Vice-President."
She shook her head.
"Or as a man when his wife catches him in a lie."
"That isn't anything."
"I have felt as small as the man who made a righteous complaint to thepresident of a trolley line."
She shook her head again sadly.
"That isn't anything to the way I feel," she said. "You know I havenever been to Europe, and I've been talking with a girl who has justreturned."
* * * * *
In one of the Atlanta Sunday-schools recently the lesson for the dayhad to do with Mammon and the corrupting influences of great riches.
Toward the close of the exercises the superintendent called upon theinfant class to repeat the Golden Text, which had special reference toman's inability to serve his Creator and the money-god at one and thesame time. The class failed to respond as it should, when thesuperintendent, noticing his own young hopeful in the ranks, who hadthat very morning been drilled thoroughly on the text, called on him.The response was immediate, though a slight departure from theoriginal, for in a voice that was distinctly heard in all parts of theroom there came the following modification:
"Ye can not serve God and mama!"
* * * * *
"Any complaints, corporal?" said the colonel, making one morning apersonal inspection.
"Yes, sir. Taste that, sir," said the corporal promptly.
The colonel put the liquid to his lips. "Why," he said, "that's thebest soup I ever tasted!"
"Yes, sir," said the corporal, "and the cook wants to call it coffee."
* * * * *
Reporter--"To what do you attribute your great age?"
Oldest Inhabitant--"I hain't sure yet, sir. There be several o' thempatent-medicine companies as is bargainin' with me."
* * * * *
Mr. Choate, ex-Ambassador of the United States at London, tells of theaddress made by an Irish officer to his men who had just returned froma fruitless expedition.
Rising to his feet with the utmost solemnity and seriousness, theofficer said:
"My men, I am fully aware of the fact that many of you brave fellowsare disappointed because in this campaign you were afforded littleopportunity to fight; but, my brave boys, reflect upon this: that hadthere been any fighting, there would have been many absent faces hereto-day!"
* * * * *
"Young man (23) with five years' experience in leading publishers,desires to better his position."
But what better position could there be than that of leading ourpublishers?
* * * * *
From Children's Chat, by "Grandma" in the "Times" of Natal:
"I want you, my dears, to write me a short snake story, something thatreally happened to some one you know; and if you can tell me of achild being really bitten I shall be glad to hear about it."
Truly it is said that a child's best friend is his grandma.
* * * * *
Wandering over Salisbury Plain on Whit Monday, a correspondent cameacross a large stone inscribed: "Turn me over." After much difficultyhe succeeded in turning it over, and found on the under side of thestone the words: "Now turn me back again, so that I can catch someother idiot."
* * * * *
He--"Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have givenyou a jolly hug."
She--"Didn't you? Why--why--"
* * * * *
Timid Lady (going up the Washington Monument elevator).--"Conductor,what if the rope breaks that holds us?"
Conductor--"Oh, there are a number more attached as safety ropes."
Timid Lady--"But if they all break, where shall we go?"
Conductor--"Oh, well, m'm, that all depends upon what kind of a lifeyou have been living before."
* * * * *
Elmer, though only a little boy, was the oldest child of an alreadynumerous family. He was invited to go in and see a little baby sister.Asked by his mother what he thought of the baby, he said, "W'y, mama,it's real nice. But do you think we needed it?"
* * * * *
Time: 2 A.M.
"Ma, I want a drink!"
"Hush, darling; turn over and go to sleep."
"I want a drink!"
"No, you are restless. Turn over, dear, and go to sleep."
(After five minutes.) "Ma, I want a drink."
"Lie still, Ethel, and go to sleep."
"But I want a drink!"
"No, you don't want a drink; you had a drink just before you went tobed. Now be still and go right to sleep."
(After five minutes.) "Ma, won't you please give me a drink?"
"If you say another word I'll get up and spank you. Now go to sleep.You are a naughty girl."
(After two minutes.) "Ma, when you get up to spank me will you give mea drink?"
* * * * *
Once upon a time there was a young married man who had some slightbickerings with the woman of his choice. These having occurred withgreat frequency, he went to his father, who was older and much moremarried.
"Father," he said, "is it not meet that I should be the ringmaster inmy own wickiup? Or must I kowtow to the old lady?"
Whereat the old man smiled wisely and said:
"My son, yonder are a hundred chickens and here a fine team of horses.Do you place the feathered tribe on this wagon, hitch up the team, andstart out. Wherever you find a man and his wife living together, makediligent investigation to find out who the commanding officer is, andwhere it is the woman give her a chicken. If you find a man running ahouse give him one of the horses."
So the young man loaded up the fowls and started out upon hispilgrimage of self-education. And when he had but seven chickensleft, he approached a habitation with his forlorn inquiry, to whichthe man replied:
"I'm the ace-high cockalorum of this outfit."
And the wife, without fear or favor, corroborated the statement. Thenthe young man said:
"Take your choice of the horses. Either one you fancy is yours." Andafter the man had walked around the team several times and looked intheir mouths, he said, "Well, I'll take the bay."
Now, the wife didn't like bay horses, and she called John aside, andafter whispering in his ear she allowed him to return.
"I guess I'll take the black horse," he said.
"Not a bit of it," said the pilgrim. "You'll take a chicken."
* * * * *
They were talking over the engagement of one of the daughters of thefamily when the negro servant came in. One of the girls asked: "Cindy,have you seen Edith's fiance?" "No'm, honey, hit ain't been in de washyit."
* * * * *
In the late financial stringency a clerk in one of the New York bankswas trying to explain to a stolid old Dutchman why the bank could notpay cash to depositors as formerly, and was insisting that he besatisfied with Clearing House checks. But the old man could not graspthe situation, and finally the president of the bank was called uponto enlighten the dissatisfied customer. After a detailed explanationof the financial situation the president concluded, "Now, my goodman, you understand, don't you?"
"Yes," dubiously replied the Dutchman, "I tinks I understand. It'sjust like this; ven my baby vakes up in der night und cries for milk,I give her a milk ticket."
* * * * *
Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famousspecialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in thewaiting-room.
After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him andwhispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain'the?"
"One of the best," the gentleman told him.
Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.
"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,ain't he? Vat does he charge?"
The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered