Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1

by Lucretia P. Hale

rathershortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-fivedollars for each visit thereafter."

  "Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky. "Fifty tollars the first time undtwenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

  For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Undtwenty-five tollars each time afterward," he kept muttering. Finally,just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliantinspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

  "Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am again."

  * * * * *

  A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continentalwinter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable ofthe unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. A little boy whohad arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. "He is aman, sir," he replied, "who brings you a basin."

  * * * * *

  A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his class was notgiving him all the attention it should. "Now, gentlemen," he said, "ifyou want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you mustkeep your eyes fixed on me."

  * * * * *

  A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the objectof his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at thelast moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided totelephone, which he did. "Is that you, Samantha?" he inquired uponbeing given the proper number. "Yes, it's me," returned the lady."Will you marry me, Samantha, and marry me quick?" "Yes, I will," wasthe reply; "who's speaking?"

  * * * * *

  He was a big, black, good-hearted, old negro, stranded near Boston,and he had decided, after considerable "cogitation," to work his wayback to, the South, where he would feel more at home. In Boston, inSpringfield, in Hartford, in New Haven, it was always the same. Whenhe rang a bell and asked for work and a bite to eat the answerusually was, "I'm very sorry, but there's not a thing to be done hereto-day." There were occasional exceptions, of course, or uncle couldnever have got on, but the thing most to be counted upon was pleasingpoliteness coupled with nothing else.

  At last the old man left New York and then Philadelphia behind, andone day found himself in Baltimore. His knowledge of geography was_nil_, but he thought he ought soon to be getting into "de Souf," andwith that hope at heart rang the bell of a fine house on CharlesStreet. The door was opened by the host himself, who, after aninstant's survey of the figure before him, blurted out:

  "Why, yo' ---- black rascal! How dare yo' ring this bell? Get off mahsteps this secon', befo' I brek yo' haid!"

  "'Deed I will, boss; 'deed I will," came the hurried answer. "I wuzon'y lookin' fer a bite to eat, boss."

  "A bite to eat!" repeated the other. "An' don't yo' know whar to gofor all yo' want? Get yo'self round back, an' they'll feed yo'full--but cyart yo' good-for-nuthin' black carcass off these steps, Isay."

  And as uncle went around to the side door he raised his hands toheaven, and with tears of rejoicing running down his furrowed cheeks,said:

  "Bress de Lord! I's back agin among mah own folks!"

  * * * * *

  A little boy who had just joined Sunday-school was asked by his motherhow he liked it.

  "Why!" exclaimed Charlie disgustedly, "they don't know much. Theteacher asked what was the collec', and I was the only one who knew."

  "And what did you say, dear?"

  "Why, I told them pretty quick that it was a pain in the stomach."

  * * * * *

  Travelers' tales which often add charm to the conversation of anagreeable person frequently render a bore more tiresome than ever, afact that was amusingly illustrated by an occurrence in a Baltimoreclubhouse not long ago.

  "There I stood, gentlemen," the long-winded narrator was saying,after droning on for an hour with reference to his trip toSwitzerland--"there I stood, with the abyss yawning in front of me."

  "Pardon me," hastily interjected one of the unfortunate men who hadbeen obliged to listen to the story, "but was that abyss yawningbefore you got there?"

  * * * * *

  After a lesson on digestion the teacher, anxious to know how much herinstruction had been understood, questioned the class. The firstanswer was rather discouraging, as the girl called upon made thisstartling statement:

  "Digestion begins in the mouth and ends in the big and littletestament."

  It was the same teacher who received the following note:

  "Pleas teacher do not tel Mary any more about her incides it makes herso proud."

  * * * * *

  When Sam Jones was holding his meetings in Dallas, on one occasion hesaid: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who hasever known a perfect man stand up."

  Nobody stood up.

  "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

  One demure little woman stood up.

  "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" asked Sam, somewhatamazed.

  "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but Ihave heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."

  * * * * *

  Former President Scott, of the Cincinnati Southern Railroad, wasgreatly annoyed, when he first took hold of the road, by the claimsfor horses and cattle killed by trains on their way through Kentucky.It seemed as though it were not possible for a train to run north orsouth through Kentucky without killing either a horse or a cow. Andevery animal killed, however scrawny, scrubby, or miserable it mayhave been before the accident, always figured in the claimssubsequently presented as of the best blood in Kentucky. "Well," saidScott one day, after examining a claim, "I don't know anything thatimproves stock in Kentucky like crossing it with a locomotive."

  * * * * *

  One of a loving couple (watching a pile-driver at work)--"Dear, I feelso sorry for those poor men. They have been trying for the last halfhour to lift that thing out, and every time they get it almost to thetop, it falls back again."

  * * * * *

  Sentinel (on guard)--"Halt! Who comes there?"

  The Colonel--"Fool!"

  Sentinel--"Advance, fool, and give the countersign."

  * * * * *

  "Oh, I'm so sorry I could not come to your 'At Home' yesterday."

  "Dear me, weren't you there?"

  "Why of course I was--how very silly of me--I quite forgot."

  * * * * *

  A theological student was sent one Sunday to supply a vacant pulpit ina Connecticut valley town. A few days after he received a copy of theweekly paper of that place with the following item marked:

  "Rev. ---- of the senior class at Yale Seminary supplied the pulpit atthe Congregational Church last Sunday, and the church will now beclosed three weeks for repairs."

  * * * * *

  A Certain Ohio lady with a large sense of religious duty was recentlyimportuned by a tramp. The good religionist, after considerablehesitation, produced a piece of dry bread which she delivered with thefollowing formula, evidently prepared for such occasion:

  "Now, sir, not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for God's sake, Igive you this bread."

  The tramp accepted the offering and had got as far as the gate when hesuddenly turned and came back where his benefactress was waiting tosee him safely out.

  "Say, miss," he drawled, "not for your sake, nor for my sake, but forGod's sake put some butter on it."

  * * * * *

  "Mother, mother, mother, turn the hose on me!" sang little Willie, ashis mama was dressing him one morning.

  "What do you mean?" she asked.

  "You've put my stockin's on wrong side out," he said.

 
* * * * *

  The will of Stephen Girard provided that no clergyman should ever beallowed to enter the splendid Girard College at Philadelphia.

  One day a very clerical looking man, with immaculate white cravat andchoker, approached the entrance.

  "You can't come in here," said the janitor.

  "The ---- I can't!" said the stranger.

  "Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step right in."

  It is said that the visitor was the late State Senator Sessions, ofWestern New York.

  * * * * *

  The following anecdote of ex-President Roosevelt's youth is told:

  When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite apoem in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read:

  "When Greece her knees in suppliance bent," when he stuck there.

  Again he tried:

  "When Greece her knees...," but could get no farther.

  The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking:

  "Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go."

  * * * * *

  A Young graduate in law, who had had some experience in New York City,wrote to a prominent practitioner in Arkansas to inquire what chancethere was in that section for such a one as he described himself tobe. He said: "I am a Republican in politics, and an honest younglawyer." The reply that came seemed encouraging in its interest: "Ifyou are a Republican the game laws here will protect you, and if youare an honest lawyer you will have no competition."

  * * * * *

  Brown--"Ah! they've just dropped the anchor."

  Mrs. B.--"And served 'em right! It's been dangling outside all themorning!"

  * * * * *

  As the immaculate young woman and the tired but happy-looking youngman entered the Pullman, followed by a grinning porter, the otherpassengers became "wise" in a moment. The stout drummer leaned over tothe man behind him and remarked:

  "Bride and groom--100 to 1."

  Every one turned to view the newcomers, who had deposited themselvesvis-a-vis in No. 4. As if unconscious of any scrutiny, the young mansaid, in a high, nasal voice:

  "Well, do as you like about it; either increase the margin or let itgo. You didn't follow my advice in the first place, but if you want topull out, you'd better do it now."

  "Oh, I know," the woman replied. "What's the use of going all over itagain?"

  "Huh!" said the stout man's companion. "Guess you lose. Been playingthe market. Not much bride and groom talk in that."

  The rest of the passengers sniffed and then turned their backs on thenew couple. Whereat the young man smiled at the young woman, and theysoftly joined hands as he whispered:

  "Millicent, dear, my shoes are full of rice."

  * * * * *

  A Short time ago an old lady went on board Nelson's flag-ship, the_Victory_. The different objects of interest were duly shown her, andon reaching the spot where the great naval hero was wounded (which ismarked by a raised brass plate), the officer remarked: "Here Nelsonfell." "And no wonder!" exclaimed the old lady; "I nearly fell theremyself."

  * * * * *

  A Good Samaritan, passing an apartment-house in the small hours of themorning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.

  "What's the matter?" he asked. "Drunk?"

  "Yep."

  "Do you live in this house?"

  "Yep."

  "Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

  "Yep."

  With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figureup the stairway to the second floor.

  "What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"

  "Yep."

  Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for acompanion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door hecame to and pushed the limp figure in.

  The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passingthrough the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines ofanother man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.

  "What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"

  "Yep," was the feeble reply.

  "Do you live in this house, too?"

  "Yep."

  "Shall I help you upstairs?"

  "Yep."

  Stopping on the second floor, where this man also said he lived, heopened the door and pushed him in. As he again reached the front doorhe discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off thaneither of the other two. He was about to approach him when the objectof his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself intothe arms of a passing policeman. "For Heaven's sake, off'cer," hegasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night longbut carry me upstairs 'n' throw me down th' elevator shaf'."

  * * * * *

  Husband comes in to find his wife turning everything topsy-turvy.

  "Good gracious! Isabel, what are you doing?"

  "I just received a telegram from Aunt Jane saying she'll be here at6.30 and I can't find her photograph anywhere."

  * * * * *

  At the school at which the writer was educated there was a certainassistant master who invariably "put his foot in it" when he got thechance. On one occasion, being exasperated by the conduct of a boy, heturned to him and said, "Look here, X., I'll take care that you won'tbe the biggest fool in the class as long as I'm here."

  * * * * *

  Mrs. Barron was one of the new "summer folk," and not acquainted withthe vernacular. Consequently, she was somewhat surprised, upon sendingan order for a roast of lamb to the nearest butcher, to receive thefollowing note in reply: "Dear Mam. I am sorry I have not killedmyself this week, but I can get you a leg off my brother (the butcherat the farther end of the town). He's full up of what you want. I seenhim last night with five legs. Yours respectful. George Gunton."

  * * * * *

  An artist employed in repairing the properties of an old church inBelgium, being refused payment in a lump sum, was asked for details,and sent in his bill as follows:-

  1. Corrected the Ten Commandments, L1 10 0

  2. Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a ribbon in his bonnet, 0 8 1

  3. Put a New Tail on the Rooster of St. Peter and mended his Comb, 0 12 0

  4. Re-plumed and Gilded the Left Wing of the Guardian Angel, 0 15 6

  5. Washed the Servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheek, 0 1 0

  6. Renewed Heaven, adjusted two Stars, and cleaned the Moon, 1 16 0

  7. Re-animated the Flames of Purgatory and restored Souls, 6 7 0

  8. Revived the Flames of Hell, put a New Tail on the Devil, mended his left hoof, and did several jobs for the damned, 1 16 6

  9. Re-bordering the Robe of Herod and re-adjusting his Wig, 0 17 3

  10. Put new Spotted Dashes on the Son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 0 7 6

  11. Cleaned the Ears of Balaam's Ass and shod him, 0 9 0

  12. Put Earrings in the Ears of Sarah, 0 9 2

  13. Put a New Stone in David's Sling, enlarged the Head of Goliath, and extended his Legs, 0 8 8

  14. Decorated Noah's Ark, 0 17 6

  15. Mended the Shirt of the Prodigal Son and cleaned his ears, 0 15 3

  --_P. Sylvester, Summerfield, Warham_
-------- _Road, Croydon._ L17 10 5

  * * * * *

  Shortly after two o'clock one bitter winter morning a physician drovefour miles in answer to a telephone call. On his arrival the man whohad summoned him said:

  "Doctor, I ain't in any particular pain, but somehow or other I've gota feeling that death is nigh."

  The doctor felt the man's pulse and listened to his heart.

  "Have you made your will?"

  The man turned pale.

  "Why, no, doctor, at my age--oh, Doc, it ain't true is it? It can't betrue!"

  "Who's your lawyer?"

  "Higginbotham."

  "Well, you'd better send for him at once."

  The patient, white and trembling, went to the 'phone.

  "Who's your pastor?" continued the doctor.

  "The Rev. Kellogg M. Brown," mumbled the patient. "But, doctor, do youthink--"

  "Send for him immediately. Your father, too, should be summoned; alsoyour--"

  "Say, doctor, do you really think I'm going to die?" The man began toblubber softly.

  The doctor looked at him hard.

  "No, I don't," he replied grimly.