by Emma Brady
"Are you smiling now?" he pulled back to ask her.
"Yes, I can't seem to stop." Eloisa felt so much better than she had after mating.
She could feel that his manhood had grown hard again and wondered if he wanted to make love with her again. She was not as against the idea anymore since her body had been pleasured. In fact, she thought it might be more tolerable now that she felt so relaxed. Shifting her hips beneath him, she tried to urge him into her body.
"You might be too sore for that again." He wanted to be honorable and offer her a chance to stop, but she didn't want to. She shifted again to let him know what she wanted.
She felt him slide into her and for a moment it was sore, but not so much that she wanted to stop. This time he did not pump into her rapidly as he did before. His moves were slow and deliberate. He tilted her hips so she ground against him with each stroke. The special place that he had rubbed with his hands he now rubbed with his body. That felt even better.
As the friction built she began urging him to move faster. He did but still held back enough to maintain control. Then she felt her body shatter again. That was the final indicator he needed before he found his own release.
This time when she cuddled up next to him she smiled in a drowsy way and he didn't have to ask if she was pleased.
"I'm beginning to wonder if I had pleased any of the women I have been with."
"Did they act like you did?"
"Yes, but a woman can easily fake that kind of thing." He sounded upset by the idea. "I'm not sure I would have even known the difference with you if I hadn't asked."
"I would never be false about that."
"You mean when we do this again?"
She realized what she had implied and immediately regretted it. She would never need to fake anything because this was never going to happen again. He would marry Sarah and it was her pleasure he should be thinking about. That reminder was enough to snap her out of her relaxation. Slipping away from him, Eloisa began gathering her clothes.
Thomas remained still, stretched out on the bed. He remained in his naked glory while Eloisa went through the motions of getting redressed.
"You are eager to leave my company," said Thomas.
"I can't be found here by one of the servants." Eloisa tried to sound practical. “That would be impossible for you to explain.”
"So you are running away for my own good?"
"I'm not running anywhere. I'm simply being prudent and going back to where I belong." It was difficult to talk and dress herself without the help of a maid.
"I don't think you know where that is anymore."
Eloisa had wondered the same thing as she put her hair in place. Her dreams had always been simple and nothing she couldn't attain. Setting realistic goals meant she wouldn't be a disappointment to anyone. Wanting too much could break a woman's heart.
"We don't want to be caught in this situation, since one mistake could cost us everything." Her voice was firm.
"I don't think I like being considered a mistake."
"You're not a mistake but what happened between us was. I'm not the woman you want."
Though it was foolish, Eloisa waited for a moment at the door for him to deny the truth of what she said. When she looked back he was falling asleep, but not before muttering one last thing.
"I knew I could do better."
Chapter 20
WHEN THOMAS WOKE UP the next morning he was no less confused then he had been the night before. What had happened with Eloisa was unexpected, but he wasn't sure if he agreed that it was a mistake. He had been so exhausted that he didn't respond before she left. Now he tried to find the right words to explain his feelings and couldn't think of any.
Thomas had plenty of time to think by himself. He spent most of the day in his practice room, hoping the sweat would help clear his mind but he was wrong. He was still confused as he allowed his valet to dress him in his costume the night of the ball. Knowing Sarah would be dressed as a dove, he chose to go as a raven. Something about birds of a feather inspired him.
As the guests arrived, Thomas stood by his mother and greeted them with as much charm as he could muster. It wasn't long before it wore on his nerves to the point he felt he needed a drink. Ignoring his mother's protests, Thomas snuck away to his library for a glass of brandy. One deep breathe in the quiet room and he caught the scent of oranges.
"Hello, Miss Noble." Thomas leaned on his cane with both hands and gave a smug grin.
"How do you always manage to find me?" Eloisa asked, keeping her distance from him.
"I'm good at finding what I'm looking for." From the sound of her voice he could easily locate the corner she hid in. He moved slowly in that direction.
"There is no longer a reason for you to want to find me. Sarah will be accepting, tonight I think. She's coming close to falling in love with you." She didn't make that sound like a pleasant thing.
"Is that your way of congratulating me?"
"I think the congratulations are due to both of us."
He knew exactly where she stood because he could feel her presence next to him. As he walked closer to her he heard her retreat until she was up against the wall. With nowhere else for her to go, Thomas felt a smug satisfaction that he had her trapped.
"I have a full appreciation of your efforts." Thomas placed a hand against the expensive wallpaper his mother had chosen when she decorated this room. "You went out of your way to help me. Now I suppose you will want your payment as soon as possible."
He could hear the shallow breathing quicken. With his other hand he touched her cheek and traced a line to the pulse beating at her neck. He marveled at how soft her skin was against his fingertips. It felt warm and he wondered if she was flushed with color. His mind wandered to the other soft parts of her body he had explored and he grew hard in his pants.
"I don't see any reason not to expect it soon, since you have no need of me anymore."
"Then you don't know anything about my needs."
Without allowing her a chance to say anything Thomas leaned in to kiss her. She responded instantly and it only furthered his hunger. When her soft lips parted he wasted no time slipping inside to taste her sweetness.
Holding her by the back of the neck Thomas pressed his body against hers and the kiss deepened as she tilted her head upward. Eloisa was no passive participant as her tongue danced with his. He could feel her hands clutching at his back beneath his jacket and pulling him closer. Only a thin thread of restraint kept him from removing both their clothes and making love to her with a roomful of guests down the hall.
"It seems we both still have unmet needs," Thomas growled, prying his body away from her. The sound of her ragged breathing almost snapped his control, so he took a large step back to put more distance between them.
"Why did you do that?" Her voice sounded genuinely confused.
"The same reason any man kisses a woman, because I wanted to."
"But you can't want me, I'm not..." Her voice trailed off but Thomas knew what she would say. She didn't think she was beautiful enough for him to want her. The idea was ridiculous to him, but clearly serious to her.
"You have so many things that draw me to you." He tried to find the right words to explain. "I can't imagine not wanting you."
"That's because you can't see me now. When you could see me you chose not to." He could hear the hurt in her voice.
"I'm a different man now."
"Even if you have changed the rest of society hasn't." He felt her move, slipping away from the moment and him. "Everyone will see how incompatible we are and you will never regain your place like you wanted. You should be with someone who matches you better."
She sounded so logical and resigned that it made him angry. "I don't care about what they think, it's not their choice."
"No, but it's mine and I'm still choosing to leave. Your needs might be different but mine are still the same."
"Even after last night?"
He knew she could remember the details clearly because they were vivid in his mind.
"That doesn't change anything. It was a mistake." She sounded like she wanted to convince herself as much as him. "Our deal still stands and I believe I have upheld my end of it."
"What if I don't want our deal anymore?"
"That's too bad because it’s already done." He felt her brush past him in the direction of the door. "You can send my payment to me tomorrow. You should be happy, Your Grace. You got everything you wanted."
He let out a low growl. "You know how to put salt in the wound."
"I'm only pointing out the truth."
"The situation was my fault, but the pain we are both feeling is yours," he said.
"I find that hard to believe."
"You rejected me this morning, after loving me last night."
"You are marrying my cousin."
She sounded disappointed, which gave him hope. "Say the word and I will never ask her. I will get down on my knee before you right now."
"No."
"That's not the right word."
She was at the door now; he could hear the latch. It was too far away for him to grab her if he tried, so he didn't bother. Thomas knew that they were about to reach the point where they could no longer turn back. Once she was gone he wouldn't be able to get her alone again. His mind was not moving fast enough and he felt desperation tugging at his throat, making him speak without thinking first.
"Don't you want me?"
His questioned echoed in the tiny space, or maybe it was just that it echoed in his own mind. Fear grabbed him while he waited for the answer.
"Unfortunately, I do," she said before slipping away.
Thomas reflected on the irony of that statement. He had succeeded in his plan and now had his trophy but it didn't feel like victory. He needed a drink and some time to think things over, so he poured himself a tall drink from the liquor cabinet. He had only enjoyed his first sip when he heard the door open again.
"Heard you made a scene at the Stanhope ball," said Alex. He reached around Thomas to get a glass for himself. "Of course it had to be the one event I decided not to go to."
"It was just a dance."
"Not the way I hear it. Sounds like you made a statement." Alex sounded like he hadn't been to bed for days and Thomas wondered if that meant it was a good night or a bad one for his friend. "Dancing with a spinster is going to become the new fashion, now that you have made it popular."
"She's not a spinster." He felt his anger beginning to boil over. "Don't say anything like that ever again."
He felt Alex give him a pat on the back. "Did the grand gesture work? Should I be congratulating you on an engagement with Lady Sarah?"
"She hasn't accepted yet, and I didn't do it for her."
He did it for Eloisa. He did it because he wanted her to feel the way he thought she should feel. Like a beauty.
"Still, you must be pretty proud of yourself, catching the fairest of them all."
That was the feeling Thomas expected to have but it just wasn't there. His felt sick to his stomach when he thought of Eloisa leaving the country and him spending the rest of his days married to the wrong woman. It felt like he was caught in a life that didn't fit him anymore.
"Sarah would make a fine duchess," he said, hoping he sounded more convinced than he felt.
"Of course she would. She would look lovely next to you as you regain your former glory."
"Everything will be like it was before." Everything except himself.
The truth was Thomas could feel how much he had changed since the start of the season. Not just little things, but his outlook on the world. The things that he thought were the most important were now trivial and meaningless to him. His definition of happiness had changed.
"I can marry any woman I please, can’t I? he asked, as a profound realization came to him.
Alex sounded confused as he replied. "Yes, which is why you are marrying Lady Sarah, I believe."
"Why her?"
"Because she is beautiful."
"I don't think that's the right reason."
"Are you feeling well? You are speaking nonsense."
That was likely since he felt like some kind of mad man. Thomas was seriously considering not marrying Sarah after all the work he did to win her hand. Knowing that he did not love her wasn't a problem before, but now being in love with someone else might change that. The fact that Eloisa made it clear she was against him was only a minor setback in his opinion.
"What if I decided to marry someone else? No one would dare try to stop me." He spoke his thoughts out load, hoping Alex would agree with them.
"You mean like a brown-eyed chaperone?"
"Exactly."
He could hear his friend laughing out loud.
"I wondered when you would notice her considerable charms. Miss Noble is an interesting lady, but I'm not sure everyone would agree. You might lose some favor if you chose her for a bride," said Alex.
"I lost favor with most people when I became blind, I doubt it would get any worse."
"I thought you wanted all that prestige back."
He did and that hadn't changed. The idea of spending his life being left out of society made his stomach roll. Still, was it worth the price to gain entrance into that life again?
"I might still be able to win back my place. I will just have to do it on my own," he said, grumbling the words with his own bitterness.
"Would she be happy in that kind of position? The lady I met prefers not being the center of attention."
He thought back to the waltz they shared and how uncomfortable it made her to have so many eyes cast on her at once. He assumed it was because she wasn't accustomed to it, but what if she didn't like people noticing her. He wouldn't want her to constantly be uneasy. He knew she could shine if given the right light, but what if she felt better in the shadows. He would live there too if she needed it.
"I'm going to have to talk to Sarah," Thomas said, reaching for his cane where it was leaned against the wall.
"She thinks you're going to propose to her," Alex said, moving out of the way towards the door. "How do you plan to explain your change of heart?"
Thomas thought about it for only a moment. "I will explain that I didn't have a heart before Eloisa and I fear I might not have one without her."
Chapter 21
ESCAPING THAT ROOM and the man she had left standing in it was the only thing Eloisa could think about. She needed time to gain control of her emotions again, since they were barely hidden beneath her expression. If people were to see how distressed she was it would only make things worse. She couldn't let Sarah know she was upset or it would ruin everything. The only place to go was the retiring room upstairs. Thankfully there were no other ladies, which gave her the solitude she needed.
After wiping her face and readjusting her mask, Eloisa sat in front of the large mirror, staring at her reflection. For the first time she was able to see the image without the judgment of other people playing in her head. She had to admit that she felt more comfortable with her appearance than she had when she was younger. Her thoughts were interrupted by the knock of a maid who insisted on giving her a message. Sarah's handwriting looked urgent as she begged Eloisa to meet her on the back terrace.
Everyone else was inside waiting for the grand entrance of the duke. That made it easy to find Sarah, who stood alone near the railing. There was enough light cast from the lamps that she could see Sarah was in distress. Eloisa quickened her steps to reach her cousin.
"What happened?" Eloisa felt guilty about not being where she should as a chaperone.
"I don't know what to do." Sarah wrung her hands together, wrinkling the long satin gloves covering them. "I feel certain that Thomas is going to propose tonight. I don't want to embarrass him, but I can't possibly say yes."
Eloisa stood there blinking at her cousin for a moment. That was the last thing she expected to hear. "I
thought you were going to accept."
"I never said that."
That was true, that Sarah had never said it in words but Eloisa was certain her behavior indicated it. "You were kissing him."
Her cousin waved one of her hands in the air. "That was simply an experiment. One that failed miserably."
"Failed?"
"There was no spark. It was like kissing an old vicar."
Eloisa felt her jaw drop open. The idea that anyone could taste that man's lips and think about the church was unbelievable. Eloisa felt nothing but sin when she touched him. He created sparks that lit a fire within a woman. She couldn't be the only one that responded that way.
"He has a well-known reputation as a lover," Eloisa said.
"I think it must be mostly fiction. Those sorts of things are always elaborated in the retelling."
Eloisa wanted to assure her cousin that everything everyone said about him was true, but of course she couldn't. The truth was something she had to keep to herself for both their sakes. She had to change Sarah's mind about Thomas quickly or all the sacrifice would have been nothing.
"I thought you were beginning to admire him, for the way he has changed. That should count for something."
"Perhaps he has changed too much. He's not the same powerful man he used to be. I don't want to commit my life to a weak man." Sarah looked concerned as she spoke, as if she truly feared that idea. "He is an invalid now. What if he got hurt and I had to take care of him for the rest of our lives?"
Eloisa’s hands clenched at her side started to clench anger surged through her body. In that moment she wanted to slap her cousin for being so wrong. This was something she would not stand for.
"He is not weak. He is barely kind. That man is nothing if not strong and arrogant, in every way."