Delphi Complete Works of Lucian

by Lucian Samosata

  Phi. These royal downfalls are extraordinary almost incredible. But what of Socrates, Diogenes, and such wise men?

  Me. Socrates still goes about proving everybody wrong, the same as ever; Palamedes, Odysseus, Nestor, and a few other conversational shades, keep him company. His legs, by the way, were still puffy and swollen from the poison. Good Diogenes pitches close to Sardanapalus, Midas, and other specimens of magnificence. The sound of their lamentations and better-day memories keeps him in laughter and spirits; he is generally stretched on his back roaring out a noisy song which drowns lamentation; it annoys them, and they are looking out for a new pitch where he may not molest them.

  Phi. I am satisfied. And now for that decree which you told me had been passed against the rich.

  Me. Well remembered; that was what I meant to tell you about, but I have somehow got far astray. Well, during my stay the presiding officers gave notice of an assembly on matters of general interest. So, when I saw every one flocking to it, I mingled with the shades and constituted myself a member. Various measures were decided upon, and last came this question of the rich. Many grave accusations were preferred against them, including violence, ostentation, pride, injustice; and at last a popular speaker rose and moved this decree.

  DECREE

  ‘Whereas the rich are guilty of many illegalities on earth, harrying and oppressing the poor and trampling upon all their rights, it is the pleasure of the Senate and People that after death they shall be punished in their bodies like other malefactors, but their souls shall be sent on earth to inhabit asses, until they have passed in that shape a quarter-million of years, generation after generation, bearing burdens under the tender mercies of the poor; after which they shall be permitted to die. Mover of this decree — Cranion son of Skeletion of the deme Necysia in the Alibantid [Footnote: The four names are formed from words meaning skull, skeleton, corpse, anatomy.] tribe.’ The decree read, a formal vote was taken, in which the people accepted it. A snort from Brimo and a bark from Cerberus completed the proceedings according to the regular form.

  So went the assembly. And now, in pursuance of my original design, I went to Tiresias, explained my case fully, and implored him to give me his views upon the best life. He is a blind little old man, pale and weak-voiced. He smiled and said:— ‘My son, the cause of your perplexity, I know, is the fact that doctors differ; but I may not enlighten you; Rhadamanthus forbids.’ ‘Ah, say not so, father,’ I exclaimed; ‘speak out, and leave me not to wander through life in a blindness worse than yours.’ So he drew me apart to a considerable distance, and whispered in my ear:— ‘The life of the ordinary man is the best and most prudent choice; cease from the folly of metaphysical speculation and inquiry into origins and ends, utterly reject their clever logic, count all these things idle talk, and pursue one end alone — how you may do what your hand finds to do, and go your way with ever a smile and never a passion.’

  So he, and sought the lawn of asphodel.

  It was now late, and I told Mithrobarzanes that our work was done, and we might reascend. ‘Very well, Menippus,’ said he, ‘I will show you an easy short cut.’ And taking me to a place where the darkness was especially thick, he pointed to a dim and distant ray of light — a mere pencil admitted through a chink. ‘There,’ he said, ‘is the shrine of Trophonius, from which the Boeotian inquirers start; go up that way, and you will be on Grecian soil without more ado.’ I was delighted, took my leave of the Mage, crawled with considerable difficulty through the aperture, and found myself, sure enough, at Lebadea.

  LUCIUS; OR, THE ASS — Λούκιος ἢ Ὄνος

  Translated by M. D. Macleod

  LUCIUS; OR, THE ASS

  [1] Once upon a time I was on my way to Thessaly, having some business of my father’s to transact there with a man of that country. I had a horse to carry me and my baggage, and I was accompanied by one servant. And so I was proceeding along my intended route; now it happened that I had as fellow travellers men on their way back home to Hypata, a city of Thessaly. We shared salt, and thus we proceeded on that difficult journey until we were near the city, when I asked the Thessalians if they knew a man living in Hypata, called Hipparchus. I had a letter of introduction to him from home, so that I could stay at his house. They said they knew this Hipparchus and where he lived in the city; they told me that he had plenty of money, but that the only women he kept were one servant and his wife, as he was a terrible miser. When we had come near to the city, we found a garden, and in it a tolerably comfortable cottage, where Hipparchus lived.

  [2] The others therefore said good-bye and left me, and I went up and knocked at the door. Though I had a long wait, eventually a woman did reluctantly answer my knock, and then even came out. I asked if Hipparchus was at home. “Yes,” said she, “but who are you that ask? What do you want?”

  “I come with a letter for him from Decrianus, the professor from Patras.”

  “Wait for me here,” she said and, closing the door, went in again.

  Eventually she came out and invited us in. I went in, greeted him and gave him the letter. He was just beginning dinner and was lying on a narrow couch, while his wife sat nearby, and by their side was an empty table. After reading the letter he said, “Indeed Decrianus is my dearest friend and the best man in all Greece, and I’m glad that he sends his own friends to my house with such confidence. But you can see, Lucius, how tiny my cottage is. Nevertheless it is glad to offer its hospitality, and you will make it into a mansion if you live in it in a tolerant spirit.” He then called the maid and said, “Palaestra, give him the spare bedroom, and take his baggage there, and then show him the way to the baths, for he’s come a long way.” [3] When he had said this, the darling little Palaestra took me and showed me an excellent little room. “You will lie on this bed,” she said, “and I’ll place a pallet over there for your slave and put a pillow on it.” After she had said this, we gave her money to provide barley for my horse and went off to have our bath, while she took everything inside for us. After our bath we returned and went straight into the dining-room where Hipparchus greeted me and invited me to recline beside him. The meal was by no means a frugal one, and the wine was sweet and old. After we had eaten, we drank and talked as men do when a stranger comes to dinner; and, after thus devoting the evening to drinking, we went to bed. On the next day Hipparchus asked me where I would now be going and if I would be spending all my time with him. “I shall be going on to Larissa,” I answered, “but I think I shall stay here for three or four days.”

  [4] But this was a pretence. In fact I wanted very much to stay there and find one of the women accomplished in sorcery and see something strange, be it a man flying or turning into stone. Engrossed in my desire for such a sight, I walked round the city. I didn’t know how to start my search, but walked around nevertheless. While doing so, I saw approaching me a woman who was still young and, to judge from seeing her in the street, was well off; for she was gaily dressed, accompanied by many slaves and wearing too much gold. When I came closer, she greeted me and I answered her in like fashion. She then said, “I am Abroea, if you know any friend of your mother of that name; and I love you sons of hers like my own sons. Why then won’t you stay with me, my child?”

  “I’m most grateful to you,” I said, “but I’m ashamed to leave a friend’s house when I have no fault to find with him. However, I stay with you in spirit, my charming friend.”

  “Where have you gone to stay?”

  “With Hipparchus.”

  “The miser?”

  “You mustn’t say that, mother; for he’s been a splendidly generous host to me, so much so that he might even be accused of being too lavish.”

  She smiled, took my hand and led me aside, saying, “I would have you be on your guard against Hipparchus’ wife in every way you can. For she’s a clever witch and a fast woman who makes eyes at every young man. Any who won’t listen to her she punishes with her magic; she has transformed many into beasts, while
others she has done away with altogether. You, my child, are young and handsome enough to please a woman at first sight, and, being a stranger, you are something of no account.”

  [5] When I learned that what I had been looking for was in the house with me, I had no further interest in her. When eventually I got away from her, I made my way to the house, saying to myself as I went, “Come now, you who claim to be eager for these strange sights, bestir yourself, I say, and devise a cunning scheme whereby to gain what you desire. Strip yourself at once to wrestle with the maid. Palaestra, for you must keep your distance from the wife of your host and friend. If you try a roll with her, and test your strength and grapple with her, you can be sure that you’ll easily discover what you want to know. For slaves know all that goes on, whether good or bad.”

  Talking thus to myself, I entered the house. I found neither Hipparchus nor his wife at home, but Palaestra was busy at the fireplace preparing our dinner. [6] I immediately did make my start from thence and said, “Palaestra, you lovely creature, how rhythmically you turn and tilt your buttocks in time with the saucepan! And my word, how nimble too is the motion of your waist. Happy the man who dips his piece in such a dish!”

  She, being a most lively and attractive little wench, said, “You’d run away, young fellow, if you had any sense and any desire to go on living, for it’s all full of fire and steam here. If you so much as touch it, you’ll have a nasty burn, and won’t be able to budge from here. No one will be able to cure you, no, not even the Healer God himself, but only I who gave you the burn. What’s strangest of all is that I shall make you long for more, and you’ll always submit to being treated with my painful cure and, even though you’re pelted with stones, you’ll never try to escape its sweet pain. Why do you laugh? You see before you a veritable man-cooker. For it’s not merely these common foods that I prepare, but now I know about that great and glorious dish, man. I can kill a man, skin him, and cut him up, and I take particular pleasure in getting my hands right on his inside and his heart.”

  “What you say is quite true,” I replied, “for even when I was still a long way off, you didn’t just singe me but plunged me into a general conflagration; you’ve been sending your invisible fire down through my eyes into my inward parts and roasting me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Therefore, in heaven’s name, heal me yourself, with that bittersweet treatment of which you’ve been talking and, now that I’m already slaughtered, take me and skin me in any way you yourself please.”

  At this she gave a loud and delightful laugh, and thereafter she was mine. We agreed that, once she had seen her master and mistress to bed, she was to come to my room and spend the night there. [7] When Hipparchus eventually arrived, we washed and had dinner, drinking a great deal as we talked. Then I pretended I was sleepy, got up and did in fact go off to my room. Everything inside the room had been beautifully prepared. Bedding had been made up for my servant outside, while beside my bed was a table with a cup. There was wine there, and hot and cold water had been left ready; this was all the work of Palaestra. Over the bedclothes roses had been strewn in profusion, some of them in their natural state, some plucked apart, and others plaited into garlands. Finding the room prepared for the celebrations, I awaited my companion. [8] Once she had seen her mistress to bed, she hurried to my room, and we made merry as we offered each other toasts and kisses. When we had fortified ourselves with wine for the night ahead. Palaestra said to me, “Young fellow, you must remember that it’s Palaestra with whom you’ve come to grips, and you must now show whether you’ve become a lad of mettle and have learnt many a wrestling hold.”

  “Indeed you won’t see me shirking this trial of strength. Strip then, and let’s start our wrestling now.”

  “You must follow my wishes as you demonstrate your prowess. I shall be like a trainer and supervisor, thinking up and calling out the names of the holds I wish, and you must be ready to obey and carry out all your orders.”

  “Well give your orders,” said I, “and see how readily, how nimbly and how vigorously I shall display my holds.”

  [9] She stripped off her clothing and, standing completely naked, began her instructions there and then. “Strip off, my lad; rub on some of that ointment from over there, and grapple with your adversary. Grab me by both thighs and put me on my back. Next get on top of me, slip in through my thighs and open me up, keeping your legs poised above me and stretched out. Then drop them into position, keeping glued to your target. Go right into the assault, and push forward everywhere now with a sharp attack till your opponent is worn out, and let your weapon show its strength. Then withdraw, attack on a broad front and stab your foe through the groin. Push forward again to the wall and then strike. When you notice that the resistance is weakening, that’s the very time to lock yourself in close combat and grip your opponent by the waist. Try not to hurry, but be patient for a little and match your pace to mine. Now you can fall out from class.”

  [10] When I for my part had obeyed every order with ease and our wrestling had come to an end, I said to Palaestra with a laugh, “You can see, teacher, how readily and obediently I have done my wrestling, but take care that you aren’t getting out of order in suggesting holds. For you ask for one after another.”

  But she slapped my face and said, “What a chatter-box I have for my pupil! Take care that you don’t get some more slaps for using different holds from the ones I ask for.”

  So saying, she rose from the bed, and, after freshening up, said “ Now you will show whether you’re a youthful and vigorous wrestler, and can wrestle and go into action on your knees.”

  Then she dropped on to one knee on the bed and said “ Come now. Sir Wrestler, here you have the centre of operations. Brandish your weapon, push forward for a sharp thrust and plunge it in deep. You see it lying unfolded there; make the most of it. First, of course, you must go into a clinch with me, and then you must bend me back, attacking and gripping me tight, allowing no gap between us. If you start slacking off, you must be faster in mounting each offensive and must move to a higher point of vantage. You must put your head down and strike, and see that you don’t retire quicker than you’re told to; you must arch your battle-line into a wide curve, before making a gradual withdrawal. Then you must push down again in a controlled infiltration and keep on the move. Only then may you withdraw your spearhead from the field. For it’s now limp and lifeless, and your opponent is drenched.”

  I was now laughing heartily and said, “I wish to prescribe a few holds of my own, teacher, and you must get up and obey me. Now sit down. Next give me water to wash my hands, apply the rest of the ointment and wipe yourself clean. And now, by Heracles, hold me tight and lull me to sleep.”

  [11] Such were our pleasant, frolicsome wrestling-bouts as we competed in nightly combat and covered ourselves with laurels. We found great enjoyment in this, so that I had completely forgotten about my journey to Larissa. Then at last I thought of gaining the information which had been the purpose of my athletic feats, and said to her, “Dearest, show me your mistress practising magic or changing her shape. For I’ve long had a craving for this strange sight. Or better still, if you can, work your own magic, so that you appear to me in one shape after another, for I imagine that you too are skilled in this art. This is no second-hand information but what I have learnt from my own soul, seeing that I who have long been called the adamant one by the women and have never cast these eyes of mine amorously on any woman, have been caught by you, and by your art you hold me prisoner, for you enchant my soul by the warfare of love.”

  But Palaestra said, “Stop joking. What magic incantations can conjure Love forth? He is the master of the art. I, my darling, know nothing about these things, I swear it by your own dear self and by this bed that’s brought such joy. For I cannot even read, and my mistress is very jealous about her own art. But if the occasion permits, I shall try to let you see my mistress changing her shape.”

  Then, this being agreed, we went to s
leep. [12] A few days later Palaestra reported to me that her mistress was going to turn into a bird and fly to her beloved.

  “Now’s your chance, Palaestra,” said I, “to do me the favour by which you can, and I pray you will, bring me relief from a craving that has persisted so long.”

  “Don’t worry,” she said.

  When it was evening, she took me and led me to the door of the bedroom of her master and mistress, bidding me put my eye to a tiny crack in the door and see what was going on inside. I saw the lady of the house undressing. Then she went up to the lamp naked, took two grains of frankincense which she put upon the flame of the lamp, and standing there uttered a screed of words over the lamp. Then she opened a large box containing a great number of caskets, one of which she picked up and took out. What it had in it I don’t know, though from its appearance I thought it was olive oil. She took some of this and, starting with her toenails, anointed herself all over. Suddenly she started sprouting feathers, and her nose became horny and hooked; she had all the attributes and marks of a bird, and was for all the world a night-raven. When she saw that she had grown feathers, she uttered a terrible croak just as those birds do, rose up and flew away through the window.

  [13] I thought I was dreaming and felt my eyelids with my fingers, for I did not believe that my own eyes were seeing this or were awake. When eventually I had barely convinced myself that I was awake, I then asked Palaestra to give me feathers too, and to smear me with that concoction and allow me to fly; for I wished to learn by experience whether, when my body was transformed from human shape, my soul would also become that of a bird. She stealthily opened the door of the room and brought me the casket. I now hastily stripped and smeared myself all over; but alas I did not become a bird. Instead a tail sprang out from my behind, and all my fingers and toes vanished I know not where. I kept four nails in all and these were unmistakably hooves, while my hands and feet had become the feet of a beast, my ears had grown long and my face become enormous. When I looked myself over, I could see that I was an ass, but I no longer had a human voice with which to abuse Palaestra. But I did drop my lip and, confronting her with my appearance, looked up angrily at her as an ass does, trying as best I could to reproach her for my having become an ass instead of a bird. [14] She beat her face with both hands and said : “Unlucky one that I am, I have wrought great harm, for in my haste, misled by the similarity of the caskets, I took the wrong one, and not the one which produces feathers. But please do cheer up, my darling; the cure for this is quite simple. For all you have to do is eat roses and you’ll immediately discard your bestial shape, and restore my own lover to me once more. But I beg you, dearest one, remain the ass for this single night, and at dawn I shall make all speed to bring you roses, which you will eat and be cured,” and she stroked my ears and my skin as she spoke.