Delphi Complete Works of Lucian

by Lucian Samosata

  [15] But though I was an ass in every other respect, in mind and intellect I remained a human, and was still the same Lucius except for my voice. And so I cursed Palaestra bitterly to myself for her mistake, and went away biting my lip to where I knew my own horse was standing along with a real ass belonging to Hipparchus. When they saw me coming in, they were afraid I was coming to share their fodder, and dropped their ears and were prepared to defend their bellies with their feet. When I understood what was happening I retired to some distance from the manger and stood laughing, though my laughter took the form of braying. “Oh, what untimely curiosity!” I thought to myself. “What would happen if a wolf or any other wild beast were to get in? I’m in danger, though I’ve done nothing wrong.” Such were my thoughts, for I didn’t know, poor creature, the evils in store for me.

  [16] When it was now dead of night and silence and sweet sleep reigned, a noise started on the outside of the wall as if of someone breaking in. This was indeed so, and presently there was a hole big enough to take a man. Immediately one man came through, and others followed in the same way, till many were inside, all of them armed with swords. Then they went inside, bound Hipparchus, Palaestra and my servant in their rooms, and proceeded nonchalantly to empty the house, carrying out all the money, clothes and furnishings. When nothing else was left inside, taking the other ass and the horse, they saddled us and fastened on our backs everything they had brought out. We carried these heavy loads and they beat us with sticks, driving us on in their efforts to escape up the mountain by an unused track. How the other two animals felt I can’t say, but for myself I was at death’s door, for I was unshod and unaccustomed to such travelling and to walking over jagged stones with all that baggage to carry. I often stumbled, but wasn’t allowed to drop down, as someone would immediately strike my rump with a stick. I often wanted to shout “Oh Lord!”; but only mustered a bray, and, though I could shout the “Oh” loud and clear, the “Lord” wouldn’t follow. But I was beaten for this too, as I was giving them away by my braying. So I realised that my cries were useless and learned to proceed in silence and earn myself immunity from blows.

  [17] It was already day by now and we had climbed up many mountains. Our mouths were kept muzzled so that we couldn’t graze and waste travelling time on breakfast. Thus for that day, too, I remained an ass. It was actually midday before we stopped at a farmhouse which, to judge from what was going on, belonged to friends of theirs. For they greeted each other with embraces and the occupants of the farm invited them to break their journey. serving them with breakfast and throwing down some barley for us animals; my fellows settled to their breakfast, but I, though miserably hungry, looked round for something to eat, for I’d never yet had a meal of raw barley. I noticed a garden over there behind the yard. It was full of magnificent vegetables, and above them I could see roses. Unnoticed by any in the house, for they were busy with breakfast, I went into the garden, partly to eat my fill of raw vegetables, but also to get the roses in the mistaken belief that, if I ate these flowers, I would become a man again. Then I stepped into the garden and ate my fill of lettuces, radishes and celery, the vegetables that a man can eat raw, but these roses were not proper roses, but grew on the wild laurel. They are called rose-bays and make a bad breakfast for any ass or horse, for they say that to eat them is instant death. [18] Meanwhile the gardener had heard the noise and seized a stick. When he had gone into the garden and seen his enemy and the havoc wrought amongst his vegetables, he became just like a severe nabob who’s caught a thief, and gave me a drubbing with his stick. He spared neither my ribs nor my haunches, and what’s more hammered my ears and pounded my face. When I could put up with no more, I kicked out at him with both hind-legs, sending him on to his back among the vegetables, while I ran off up the mountain. When he saw me running away, he shouted for the dogs to be unleashed on me. There were lots of them, large creatures capable of tackling bears. I realised that they would seize me and tear me to pieces, and, after running to and fro for a short time, I decided in the words of the proverb “to run back home rather than run to harm.” So I went back again into the farmyard. They called off the dogs who were now rushing at me and tied them up, but beat me without stopping until the pain had made me excrete all the vegetables from my bottom.

  [19] But when it was time for them to be on their way, they loaded me with the heaviest items and indeed the major part of their loot, and thus we started off from there. When presently I was faint from the blows and the weight of my load and my hooves were worn out by the journey, I decided to drop down where I was and never to get up again even if they beat me to death. I hoped that this plan would be of great benefit to me, for I thought that they would succumb to complete defeat and share my baggage between the horse and the mule and leave me lying there for the wolves to find. But a malignant deity realised my plans and turned them topsy-turvy. For the other ass, perhaps with the same intentions as I had, dropped down in the road. At first they beat the poor creature with a stick and told it to get up, but, when it paid no heed to their blows, some of them seized it by the ears and others by the tail and tried to get it on its feet. Since this was of no avail and it lay unconscious on the road just like a stone, they decided among themselves that their efforts were in vain and they were wasting on a dead ass time better spent on escape. They therefore divided his whole load between the horse and me. As for the unfortunate companion of my captivity and my pack-duty, they took him, hacked off his legs with their swords, and pushed him still quivering with life over a cliff, and down he went in a dance of death.

  [20] Since I could see from the fate of my travelling companion how my schemes would end, I decided to bear my present situation like an aristocrat and continue cheerfully on my way, for I hoped that eventually I would be sure to find my roses and be safely restored to my own shape; besides I heard the robbers saying that there was only a small part of the journey left and they would remain at that night’s resting-place. We therefore carried all this load at a fast pace and reached their headquarters before evening. Inside sat an old woman and a fire was blazing merrily. The men stored away inside everything which we had been carrying, and then asked the woman why she was sitting idle like that instead of getting supper ready.

  “Everything is ready for you,” replied the old woman. “There’s plenty of bread along with jars of old wine and I’ve also cooked you venison.” After praising her efforts, they stripped, oiled themselves before the fire and helped themselves from a cauldron containing hot water. This they poured over their bodies, giving themselves improvised baths.

  [21] Shortly afterwards a large band of youths arrived carrying innumerable vessels of gold and finery for both men and women. They were all in partnership with each other and, after depositing their loot inside, they too washed in the same way. After this there followed a heavy meal and much conversation among the cut-throats as they drank, while the horse and I were given barley by the old woman. The horse gulped it down eagerly through a natural fear of me, his supper companion. I, however, would eat bread from the house, whenever I saw the old woman go out. The next day they left one youth for the old woman, and the rest of them went off out to work. I then bewailed my lot for the strict watch kept on me; for I was able to take the old woman lightly and to escape her notice, but the youth was tall, had a formidable look, always carried a sword and always closed the door.

  [22] Three days later about midnight the robbers returned without gold or silver or in fact anything except a young girl of great beauty who was weeping and had her clothes and her hair torn to shreds. They deposited her inside on the straw, telling her not to be afraid and bidding the old woman remain permanently indoors and keep a watch on the girl. She wouldn’t eat or drink at all, but only kept weeping and tearing her hair. In consequence I also wept in sympathy with the beautiful girl as I stood beside the manger. Meanwhile the robbers were having their dinner outside in the vestibule. Towards daybreak one of the sentries posted to wat
ch the roads entered with the news that a stranger was about to pass that way bearing great riches. They got up just as they were, armed themselves, saddled the horse and me and got us moving. But since I, poor wretch, knew that I was being driven out to battle and war, I proceeded with reluctance, so that in their eager haste they kept beating me with sticks. When we reached the road along which the stranger would be riding, the robbers fell upon the caravan, killing the master and his servants. They removed the articles of greatest value and loaded them on to the horse and me, but the rest of the goods they hid there in the wood. Then they started to drive us back, but because of our haste and all the cudgelling I dashed my foot against a sharp stone and incurred a painful injury. This left me lame for the rest of the journey, and they kept saying to each other, “Why do we choose to keep this ass in food, when he’s always falling down? Let’s throw him over the cliff, for he brings bad luck.” “Yes,” said another, “let’s throw him over to atone for the sins of our band.” They were preparing to attack me, but, on hearing these words, I moved forward for the rest of the journey as though my injury belonged to another, fear of death having made me impervious to pain.

  [23] When we reached our billet for the night, they took the baggage off our backs and stored it away carefully; then the men sat down to their own dinner. After nightfall, they came out to recover the rest of their baggage, and one of them said, “Why do we take this wretched ass with us, when his hoof makes him useless? We can carry some of the goods ourselves, and the horse will take the rest.”

  They went away, leading the horse with them. It was a particularly bright night because of the moonlight and I then said to myself, “Poor wretch, why do you stay here? The vultures and their young will have you for dinner. Don’t you hear what plans they have made for you? Do you want to go over the cliff? It’s night now, there’s a good moon and they’ve gone off elsewhere. Run away and escape from these murderous masters.”

  As these thoughts ran through my mind, I noticed that I wasn’t tied to anything, but the strap which had pulled me along was hanging by my side. This further circumstance gave me the strongest possible encouragement to escape, and I ran off at full speed. But the old woman, seeing that I was ready to run away, grabbed me by the tail and held on to me. I told myself that I deserved the cliff and other deaths as well, if I were captured by an old woman, and dragged her along. She raised a loud cry to the captive girl inside. She came forth and, on seeing this aged Dirce hanging to an ass, showed the courage for a feat of heroism worthy of a foolhardy youth. She jumped on me, seated herself on my back and rode me off. Driven on by my longing to escape and the girl’s eagerness I galloped off as fast as a horse, and the old woman was left behind. The girl prayed to the gods to let her escape to safety, while to me she said, “If you take me to my father, my beauty, I’ll set you free from all work, and you’ll have a bushel of barley every day for breakfast.”

  Because I for my part wished to escape from my murderers and hoped for plenty of help and care from the girl I’d rescued, I ran on heedless of my injury. [24] When we came to a place where three roads met, we were overtaken by our enemies on their way back. In the moonlight they immediately recognised their unfortunate prisoners, from a long way off; they ran up, caught hold of me and said, “What conduct for a well-bred young lady! Where are you going so late at night, you hussy? Don’t you even fear the spirits? Come here to us and we’ll return you to your family.” Thus they spoke with cruel laughter, turned me round and dragged me after them. I now remembered about my injured feet and started to limp. “So you’re lame,” they said, “now that you’ve been caught running away? Yet, when you were bent on escaping, you were in perfect fettle, going faster than a horse and flying like a bird.”

  These words were accompanied by the stick and by this time I had a sore on my thigh from their admonitions. When we got back to the house, we found the old woman hanging on a rope over the rock. For fearing, as well she might, her masters’ wrath over the escape of the girl, she had fastened the rope tight about her neck and hanged herself. They applauded the old woman for her good sense and cut her down, letting her fall over the cliff with the rope still round her neck; the girl, however, they tied up indoors. Then they had their dinner and indulged in a long session of drinking.

  [25] Meanwhile their conversation turned to the girl. “What are we to do with Miss Runaway? “ asked one. “What else,” said another, “but to throw her down to join the old woman over there, since she did her best to rob us of a lot of money and to betray our whole gang? For you may be sure, my friends, that, if she had reached her home, none of us would have been left alive; our enemies would have made a concerted attack on us and we should all have been captured. So let’s have revenge upon our enemy. But she mustn’t be thrown down on to the rocks; that’s too easy a death. Rather let’s devise her the most painful and protracted death, and one to keep her lingering in agony before it kills her.”

  Then they discussed how to kill her, and one of them said, “I know that you’ll approve of my masterpiece of invention. We must kill the ass, for it’s lazy and now even pretends to be lame, and besides it aided and abetted the escape of the girl. So let’s slit its throat at dawn and cut its belly open; let’s tear out all its guts and house this fine young lady inside the beast with her head sticking out, so that she doesn’t suffocate immediately, but with all the rest of her body hidden inside, so that, when she’s in there, we can sew them firmly together and throw them both out to feed the vultures. I’ll guarantee they’ve never tasted that recipe before! Just think, my friends, what a terrible torture it will be. First to be housed with a dead ass, then to be broiled inside the beast by the scorching summer sun and gradually to starve to death without even being able to suffocate herself! The other things she’ll suffer as the ass rots and she is afflicted by the smell and the maggots I won’t mention, but in the end the vultures will penetrate through the ass and tear her to pieces just like it, perhaps even when she’s still alive.”

  [26] All shouted hearty approval of this monstrous idea, but I lamented my fate, since I should be killed and not even my carcass left unmolested but it would contain the luckless girl and would be the grave of that innocent maiden.

  But at first light next morning a great number of soldiers suddenly arrived to attack these blackguards. They immediately tied them all up and took them off to the governor of the land. The girl’s fiancé had come with the soldiers, for he was actually the one who had shown them where the robbers lived. So he took the girl, put her on my back and brought her home in this way. When the villagers saw us still a long way off, they realised all was well with us, as I had brayed out first intimation of the good news. They ran up, greeted us and took us indoors. [25] The girl showed me great consideration as was my due for sharing with her captivity, flight and the threat of that terrible joint death. I would have a bushel of barley from my mistress set before me for breakfast and enough hay to feed a camel. I then cursed Palaestra more than ever before - because she hadn’t used her art to change me into a dog rather than an ass. For I saw the dogs sneaking into the kitchen and gobbling down the many titbits to be found at a wealthy wedding. A few days after the wedding, when my mistress mentioned her gratitude to me in the presence of her father, he too wished to reward me as I deserved and ordered me to be set free to graze in the open with the mares. “For,” said he, “he’ll live pleasantly as though he were free and will mount the mares.” This indeed would have seemed the fairest reward, had the decision rested with an ass. So he called one of his grooms and gave me to him. I was delighted to think I’d have no more loads to carry. When we reached the field, the groom put me among the mares and took the herd of us into the pasture.

  [28] Then too was I doomed to fare just like Candaules; for the groom left me at home for his wife Megapole, and she would tie me to the mill, so that I ground her wheat and grains of barley. It would indeed have been no great hardship for a grateful ass thus to grind f
or his own masters, but that paragon of womanhood also hired out my unfortunate neck to her numerous neighbours, and asked them for meal as payment; and the barley meant for my breakfast she roasted and gave me to grind, and then made it into cakes which she would devour in one mouthful, while I had the husks for breakfast. Whenever the groom drove me out with the mares, I was battered and bitten by the stallions till I was half dead; for they always suspected me of designs upon their own mares and would drive me away by kicking out at me with both hooves, so that I could not bear the jealousy of the horses. Thus I soon became thin and ugly, since I had no pleasure either indoors at the mill or when grazing outside, for then my companions waged war on me.

  [29] Furthermore I was often sent up to the mountain to fetch wood. This was the height of all my misfortunes. For first I had to climb a high mountain by a terribly steep path and in the second place the mountain was stony and I was unshod. They sent as driver with me a vile slave-boy, who every time found a fresh way of bringing me to death’s door. In the first place he would beat me even when I was running fast, and not with an ordinary stick but with one bristling with sharp stubs, and always on the same part of my thigh, so that I had an open sore there from his switch. He always hit the same spot. Then he would pile on my back a load which an elephant could scarcely carry. The way down was steep, but even then he would beat me. Whenever he saw my load slipping and tilting to one side, though he ought to have transferred some of the wood to the place where my load was lighter and thus made it even, he never did so; instead he would pick up boulders from the mountainside to add to the lighter and higher side of my load. And I, poor wretch, would descend with a load of useless boulders along with the wood. On our route was a perennial stream, which he would cross seated on my back behind the wood so as to save his shoes.