Hate Sober

by T. L Smith

  Shit! His answer shocks me. I didn’t think he would let me go. At all.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He nods then turns and leaves. I watch him go, waiting for him to enter his car and drive off before I remember to walk away.

  Staff talk to me, people say hello, but honestly, I have no idea what any of them have said. I sit down in a seat and stay there for most of the day, processing.

  He’s letting me go.

  I wanted this.

  Didn’t I?

  I just didn’t expect him to give in to me.

  A message pops up on my cell. Actually, several do. I ignore them all and head home.

  To my apartment.

  The one I now own again.

  8

  Everly

  I don’t see him again, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. The whole thing pains me somewhere deep inside. Who knew you could miss someone you wanted out of your life? How is that even possible? I don’t quite understand it, or my feelings.

  Three months have passed within the blink of an eye. I’m still married, the ring sitting firmly on my finger. I haven’t been able to take it off. It was his mother’s, after all, and even if I don’t know the full story behind that, I know she meant something to him.

  My days are all the same. I go to work, I head home.

  Nothing exciting happens.

  I still go to my parents’ house every Sunday, and it feels good to be with them now everything is out and there are no more secrets. I see my mother in a different light than I did before. I see her as a person, not just my father’s wife, which is what I’ve always viewed her as.

  I see May every now and then. She has a new boyfriend, but I haven’t met him yet. She talks of him often, though, and I’m glad she’s happy and over Alec. Alec was only ever going to be a disappointment to her, so her moving on has me smiling.

  I haven’t seen Alec since that day in my café, and I haven’t bothered to contact him either. I’m not sure that would be a wise choice, especially if he’s trying to move on. I don’t want to be the person who ruins that for him. It would be purely for selfish reasons if I contacted him anyway.

  On my way up to my apartment I see the same man I saw a few months ago standing at my door, glasses down on his nose and he’s lost in thought as he reads through papers he’s holding in his hands.

  “Excuse me.” My voice startles him when I speak and he raises his eyes, then pushes the glasses up the bridge of his nose as he looks to me.

  “Mrs. Reid.”

  I nod, smiling. I cut all my hair off but left it the same color. Now, it sits above my shoulders.

  “I knocked, but knew you weren’t home, so I waited.”

  I nod again. “Working,” I explain to him.

  “Oh, right. Mr. Reid mentioned a café.”

  This time it’s my turn to scrunch up my face at his words. “I don’t want to sound rude, but why are you here?”

  “Oh, yes, sorry.” He passes me some papers and his pen again. “This is where you will need to sign for the divorce to be processed.”

  The pen drops from my hand at his words and bounces on the floor, then rolls away.

  “The divorce? I didn’t ask for a divorce,” I say while shaking my head.

  “Oh, yes, we are aware. This was the doing of Mr. Reid. He said you can have anything you want, just name it.”

  “I don’t want anything.”

  He smiles at my words while my heart drops from my chest and falls to the floor right alongside the pen.

  “That will make this process so much easier.” He hands me the forms and then picks up the pen I dropped, passing it back to me. “He also asked me to inquire if you will be keeping his last name.”

  “I don’t…” I trail off while shaking my head. I have no idea.

  “Okay, well, get your lawyer to look over the papers before you sign. Then send them back when done.” He walks off, leaving me standing there completely lost for words and lost for, well, everything, but with divorce papers in my hand.

  Going inside I call my father. He answers straight away.

  “He’s asked for a divorce,” I tell him without even bothering to say hello.

  “Oh.”

  “Did you know?” I ask, a little confused by his answer.

  “Yes. He visited last week to inform us after you left for lunch.”

  “He came by there?” I ask, shocked.

  “Yes. He knew what time you left and came after that. He tore up the contract in front of us and said it’s null and void, and it’s time for our families to move on. He also said it’s best you do the same.”

  “Move on?” I ask, more shocked than anything. “Move on?” I yell, reaching for a glass and throwing it to the wall and watching it shatter. “Fuck him!”

  “Angel.” My hands are clenched and my floor is covered in tiny splinters of glass.

  “Fuck him!” I seethe again, breathing through gritted teeth.

  “You’re free, angel. That ring you keep wearing, you can take it off now. Do what you want. Live the life you’ve always dreamed of.”

  “Easier said than done,” I say while shaking my head.

  “It’s done. He has moved on, so you can, too. Go and fall in love with someone who’s going to love you the way you want, and give me a few grandbabies.”

  “One day,” I say, then hang up. Picking up my purse, I leave. It takes me around fifteen minutes to reach his house, and when I do, I knock hard on the door. It flies open and a woman stands there, heavily pregnant. My eyes fall to her round belly and then back to her smiling mouth. No way. No fucking way!

  “Can I help you?” She has such a sweet voice, she’s probably a sweet person too.

  “I was—” A man yells for her, and she turns back answering before she spins around and back to me. “Is Gunner home?” I ask.

  “Oh, the man who owned this place?” I nod. “No. He sold it almost a month ago now. This place is ours, sorry about that.”

  I take a step back down the stairs, nodding my head, glad for some reason that baby isn’t his, and also weirded out that he’s moved and I don’t know where. “Thank you.”

  I turn, walking off, not even sure what to do. I ring his cell phone, and it goes straight to an automated voicemail, one that doesn’t have his voice.

  Calling my father back, he answers on the first ring.

  “Where is he?”

  “Why?” he asks. “You wanted this. Now you have it.” My hand touches my forehead and I push at my temple. I can feel a headache coming on hard and fast.

  “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know, Everly, but it’s better this way.” He pauses. “It’s better this way,” he says again and I hang up on him for the second time today.

  I don’t remember getting home, or even how I got there. The bottle in my hand agrees with me later on when I’m drinking it on my floor with no idea how I got here either. There’s shattered glass all around me, and that’s where I stay until May finds me, her heels clattering on my floor as she walks in with a man trailing behind her.

  “Well…” she says, shaking her head. “Your father called, said it was best I checked in on you.”

  “Isn’t that kind of him,” I say with an eye roll.

  “Ev, this is Ryan.” She motions to the man behind her and I offer him a wave with the bottle still firmly gripped in my hand. “Oh gosh, you look so sad right now.” She steps over to me and pulls.

  I shake my head pulling my arm free. “Leave me be.”

  “No.” She pulls again, until I finally stand. She brushes me off. “Ryan’s brother owns a local bar, its low-key country style, but they’re celebrating one year today. You need to come. So, go splash some water on your face and let’s head out.”

  “No.”

  “Don’t you no, me. Clearly, you’re sulking, and this pity party you’re having all to yourself is finished. Where is the tequila?” she says, smiling. “Now go, get dressed, and wa
sh your face, you have mascara running down your cheeks like a crazy person.”

  “You’re not going to ask why?”

  “Nope. I know most of it. And I’m worried about why you’re crying for something you wanted.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  She hits my ass and steps back into her man’s arms, who I might add, looks away when I look at him. It’s probably because I look like a raccoon.

  Walking past them, I do as she says, wash my face and change into something that I haven’t been wearing all day.

  I’m getting divorced.

  The thought pops in my head.

  Then I brush it away as I apply new mascara.

  I smile and give myself a little pep talk, “I can do it. I can do this.”

  May is in Ryan’s lap when I return as they sit at my dining table.

  I cough, making them jump up from their spots. Ryan grabs hold of her hand in a possessive gesture.

  “I’m ready. But I’m also drunk, so maybe I should take it slow,” I say, walking to the door.

  “Fuck no! You can get trashed. I’ll put you in a cab later to send you home.” May chuckles.

  “Have I told you before that you’re an amazing friend?” I say sarcastically.

  “I know this. You know this. The world knows this. Now, let’s go already.”

  A car is waiting for us at the curb, so we get in. May sits in the middle, Ryan’s on her left and he holds her hand, not letting go.

  “How long has this been a thing for?” I ask.

  Ryan answers, “Two months,” he says proudly.

  I look to May. She’s never been one to keep quiet.

  Why is he talking for her?

  She smiles and I chalk it up to the excess amount of alcohol I consumed before we left.

  We come to a stop out front of a bar. There’s a cowboy hat on the door, and I contain my eye roll knowing it’s his and I need to be polite. May pushes me out and comes up behind me while her new beau walks around the other side of the car.

  “Be nice.” May smacks my ass as Ryan walks up and grabs her hand.

  When aren’t I nice? I’m always a nice person.

  “Best behavior,” I say, smiling as we step off. I push the door open and am instantly met with country music. It’s busy, busier than I thought a place like this would be. There isn’t much on the outside to entice you to come in, but this place is packed. May claps her hands behind me and directs us to the bar.

  Ryan leans over and calls a name—a man with reddish hair turns around offering us a smile.

  Now that is a smile, a nice one at that.

  It’s been so long since I’ve even contemplated looking at a man other than Gunner. The man still invades my dreams to this day. I wonder whether the time will come when he’s gone from my thoughts completely. I hope it will be soon, because, honestly, I need to remove him from them and get on with my life, just like father told me to do.

  “He’s cute, right?” May nudges me as she stands at Ryan’s side while he waits for, who I’m guessing is his brother, to come over.

  The man behind the bar, his smile doesn’t disappear. I’ve forgotten how to smile like that lately. I’ve been going through life with just the motions, and not actually living any sort of normality.

  “He is,” I reply, telling her the truth. He is cute. And he looks sweet with his large smile and handsome features. He has a light patch of freckles across his nose. When he turns to look at us, I manage to smile back, and this one isn’t forced at all.

  “And I bet he isn’t an arrogant prick either.” May chuckles.

  I don’t.

  I don’t see Gunner like that. I saw him as someone whom I loved and who loved me, but in all the wrong ways.

  She pulls me to the bar and I smile at the nice bartender, who seems a lot nicer than his brother. Again, I’m a shitty person tonight.

  “Buck, this is Ev.” She shoulders me so I have to move closer. I offer him my hand and he shakes it while nodding to me with a smirk.

  He leans over the bar, not letting my hand go. “I think they’re trying to set us up.”

  I chuckle at his words and turn to look at his face, his eyes already burning a hole through me.

  “I think so,” I reply.

  He pulls back, letting my hand go. Turning back to his brother to chat, May pulls me until we reach a seat and sits me down like a toy.

  “Time to get back on the horse. Damn, he could be a fine horse to ride.” She chuckles.

  I look over her shoulder to see his eyes still on me as he speaks with his brother. Buck smiles, and when he does, he does so with his eyes.

  “I’m not ready for anything like that,” I say, staring at him.

  “It’s just a penis entering your cobweb-infested vagina,” she says, which makes me laugh.

  9

  Everly

  “So, here it goes.” I hold my drink in the air as if it’s some sort of miracle I can actually still function.

  I’ve been at the same table for what feels like hours, which, in reality, is probably no more than one or two, and I’m bombed. Drunk as a skunk. Completely blotto and feeling no pain. And in this state, it doesn’t stop me from telling Ryan, who I think is okay now I’ve had more alcohol, and May of course, my story.

  “I’m going to be a divorcée. Can you believe it? Twenty-five years young and damn well divorced. Who would have thought that would have happened with the family I come from,” I say, then take another sip of this drink—which has become my new favorite thing in the whole wide world—I think it’s called a lemon drop, but who really knows.

  “Yes, but now you know better. So, have all the fun and sleep with as many guys as you want, and don’t let a ball and chain of an ex-husband tie you down.”

  “You’re right.” I nod my head, cheering her with my now-empty glass. “But first, I have to file these papers. Who would have thought he would do that? Is he moving on?” I ask her as if somehow she knows the obscure Gunner and can psychoanalyze the situation.

  She gives me a blank look in answer because she’d be the last person to know anything about the most complicated man I know.

  “It’s okay to not be over him, Ev. But you have to start somewhere, right?”

  “I shouldn’t still love him,” I whisper, trying to keep my voice down, but in reality, I realize, I’ve shouted it because May raises an eyebrow.

  “I know. It would be easy if you could turn it off somehow, but you can’t. You have to live through the pain, so you don’t fall into a trap like that again. My advice, pull him from your thoughts and get on a new cowboy.” She nods over my shoulder, and I notice this cowboy walking over, he’s wiping his hands on a towel before he places it in his pocket.

  The music’s stopped. When did that happen? I notice that it’s just us here alone now. I don’t remember any of that happening.

  How much time has passed? Shit! I’ve drunk way too much.

  “Buck, you got plans later?” May asks, but she smiles at me.

  “No, just tidying up here.” He nods, pulling the seat out that’s next to me. I feel his leg touch mine as he sits, and I instantly sober up at that one small touch. I look at him and notice the large smile he sends my way.

  “Maybe Ev can help you. She loves to clean.”

  What the fuck! Loves to clean? I cringe at her words.

  “Oh, she doesn’t have to.”

  I wave him off. “I have nothing else better to do, I suppose,” I say, smiling. I’m still buzzed but starting to straighten up as he passes me a glass of water and I sip it slowly while May stands.

  “We’re going to go and grab something to eat, you stay and chat.”

  Ryan pulls her to him and bites her ear, making her giggle as they turn to leave.

  When they walk out the door, I feel Buck get up from the seat next to me and push it in.

  “You don’t have to help. I can just keep serving you while I clean. It’s nice to chat with someone
other than myself.” He chuckles while walking away.

  “Have you ever been divorced?” I blurt out, and when he doesn’t answer I turn around to see him paused at the bar.

  “Yes,” he answers.

  “Does it suck?” I ask. It’s probably speaking out of turn, but I really want to know the answer, and I’m sure it’s not the topic of conversation he was hoping for, but it’s all I have right at this moment. He starts moving and placing stools up on the counter as he turns to me and smiles.

  “Yes, but eventually it gets better. One day at a time,” he replies, and I believe him. I do, I just don’t know if it will be like that for me, though.

  It’s been three months since I’ve seen him, and my heart still hasn’t gotten the memo that he’s bad for me. “I hope so.”

  “Ahhh… so, it’s a broken heart that has you drinking like that?” He points to the empty glasses on the table. I stand, walk over to him, then grab a cloth to start wiping down the counter in some sort of attempt at helping him.

  “Yep.”

  “They suck.” I nod in agreement. “They really, really, do.”

  “How long ago was yours?”

  “Two years,” he answers without missing a beat.

  “And are you over her?” I ask, realizing all I’m doing is wiping the counter in one spot but in circles.

  “Yes, but we weren’t meant to be,” he replies. I still have doubts whether I was meant to be with Gunner or not.

  Maybe not. Who knows? If confusion was my middle name, it would be quite appropriate at this moment.

  “I think I need to move on,” I tell him, but it’s more about telling myself. When I turn to face him, he’s watching me. “Can I kiss you?” I ask. I haven’t kissed another man in a long time and I miss it. I want to know if my heart is still his, or if I can do this, if I can move on.

  “You’re asking me if you can kiss me?” he asks, puzzled.

  “Yes, can I?”

  Buck brushes his reddish hair back with his fingers and nods his head. “I mean… I would never say no to a beautiful woman kissing me.”

  Taking a few steps closer, so I’m in front of him, I smile. “It’s been a while,” I say, biting my lip.