A to Z

by Marie Sexton

  “Coda?”

  “Yeah!”

  His excitement was infectious. I couldn’t help but smile. “Are you serious?”

  “Why not?” He pulled his wallet out, dug through it, and finally pulled out a coffee receipt with Matt’s number on it. “I’m gonna call him right now.”

  He disappeared into the kitchen for a bit, and when he came back out, he was smiling. “Hope you don’t have any plans this weekend.”

  TWO days later, we put the top down on my old Mustang and took the winding mountain road to Coda. We left early. It was a gorgeous day; the sun was shining, the sky bright blue. As we climbed higher into the Rockies, we saw patches of aspen, their leaves just starting to turn.

  Angelo was obviously thrilled. Partly I thought it was because he wanted to see Matt again, but it also seemed that he was excited just to be leaving Arvada. We were almost to Coda when he suddenly asked, “How far to Rocky Mountain National Park from here?”

  “Maybe thirty minutes,” I told him. “Why?”

  He shrugged, smiling at me. “Never been there.”

  I was stunned. “You’ve lived in Denver your whole life and never been to Rocky Mountain National Park?” I asked in shock.

  I regretted it immediately. His smile disappeared, and even though he turned away from me, I could see the blush creeping over his cheeks.

  The truth is, the park isn’t something locals bother with often.

  We take out-of-state visitors there, but other than that, we tend to forget about it. I hadn’t been there myself in more than ten years.

  When I thought about his childhood, growing up in foster homes, it wasn’t any wonder that nobody had bothered to take him there.

  “Do you have cell phone reception here?” I asked him.

  He looked over at me in surprise. “Think so. Why?”

  “Call Matt and tell him we’ll be late.” The smile he gave me made the whole day brighter.

  We didn’t have time to drive all the way through the park, but we did the lower section. I tried not to laugh at Angelo’s face when we saw a herd of elk. “Never knew they were so big,” he said in awe. Then we walked around Bear Lake, and he marveled at how cold the water was.

  “It was snow not too long ago,” I reminded him, and he laughed. He was having so much fun, like a little kid, that I hated to break the mood. “We should go,” I said to him finally.

  He nodded but didn’t look at me. “Like to come back and see the rest someday,” he said quietly.

  “We will,” I told him, and he smiled at me.

  “Thanks for bringin’ me, Zach.”

  We took the twisted road back to Coda. It was a nice little town, a mile off the highway, tucked in between two pine-covered slopes. We checked into a motel—sharing a room with two beds— and then I called Jared.

  “Perfect timing!” he said. “The game starts in twenty minutes. Come on over.”

  “What game?” Angelo asked me when I told him.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I don’t pay any attention to sports.

  “Baseball, maybe?”

  “Is it baseball season?”

  “I think so. Isn’t the World Series usually around Halloween?”

  He shrugged back. “It’s hockey season, too, right?”

  I had no idea.

  Jared was in the shower when we got there. Matt let us in the front door. He was sweaty and covered in dirt. He clapped me on the back hard enough to knock my breath out and actually hugged Angelo, who practically disappeared in his huge arms.

  “What the hell happened to your leg?” Ang asked him.

  Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. “Crashed.”

  “Crashed what?” Angelo asked.

  “My mountain bike. We just got back.”

  “You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?”

  He laughed. “Something like that, actually. It’s not a successful ride if you don’t bleed.” He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic,

  “You guys ride?” Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a “no.” “Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer’s in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff’s in ten minutes.”

  “Football?” Angelo asked.

  Matt looked at him like he had just asked if the sky was really blue. “Yeah! First game of the regular season!” We just stared blankly at him, and he laughed and disappeared down the hall.

  Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. “Four fags watchin’ football. Must be pretty fuckin’ cold in hell right now.”

  …Angelo

  MATT and Jared take the couch across from the TV. There’s another couch, too, but Zach and I do what we always do—sit on the floor in front of it. Matt and Jared are completely engrossed in the game. It’s the Broncos and the Chargers. Lived in Denver my whole life, so ’course I know ’bout the Broncos, but never really cared ’bout them one way or the other. Don’t know who the Chargers are, at all. Jared’s a huge Broncos fan. Matt claims to hate both teams, ’cause they’re both in the AFC West. I don’t bother to ask what that means or why it makes him hate them. Despite hatin’ ’em, he’s cheerin’ for the Chargers ’cause he and Jared have dish duty for the next week ridin’ on the game. They’re razzin’ each other and throwin’ shit at each other, and I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten we’re there at all.

  Zach and I start out at opposite ends of the couch, but we figure out quick that our constant chatter is annoyin’ to Matt and Jared, so I move over and sit next to him. As the game goes on, we end up closer. Don’t know if it’s me movin’ closer or him. Our legs are touchin’. His arm’s on the couch behind me. He leans over to say somethin’ in my ear, and I feel his hand on my shoulder, pullin’ me closer to him.

  I want him so much. He’s talkin’, but I’m not even hearin’ him. All I can think ’bout is his hand on my shoulder, his thigh against mine, his lips almost touchin’ my ear. He smells so good. I want to kiss him. It would be so easy to just turn my head and put my lips against his. My hand is on my knee, and I slide it over an inch or two, onto his thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice. Can I move it higher? Will he notice then? Will he tell me to stop?

  “Touchdown! ” Jared yells suddenly, then turns and pounces on Matt. Zach and I haven’t been watchin’ the game, and we both jump.

  Just like that, the moment’s over. Zach’s laughin’ at Matt and Jared, and I take my hand away. Move an inch or two away from him. Try to make my heart stop racin’. Try to make my erection go away. Try to make myself stop lovin’ him.

  Two outta three ain’t bad, right?

  We get back to the room, climb into our separate beds. He falls asleep almost immediately, his breathin’ slow and regular. I lay awake for a long time. Can’t stop thinkin’ ’bout him. Wish I had a way to show him how much it meant to me, what he did today, takin’ me to the park. I know he thinks it was nothin’. But nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before. It just makes me want him more.

  I could go to him. Get out of my bed. Take two steps and get into his. Just kiss him, push my body against his, move my hand down his bare stomach, and I know he’ll respond. I know he won’t say no. Two small steps and he’ll be mine.

  For tonight, that is.

  The question is, what happens tomorrow? Will he laugh it off as a one-time fuck? Will he give me the let’s-just-be-friends speech?

  Will he pretend it never happened and spend the rest of the trip refusin’ to make eye contact? All of those things seem equally possible. And equally unbearable. If I didn’t love him, it would be so simple. A few nights together in this room, sharin’ a bed, and then on with my life. He’d move to Coda. I’d go back home….

  And suddenly, it hits me.

  We’re here in Coda so Zach can decide if he wants to move here. And if that happens, I’ll probably never see him again.

&
nbsp; I have to force myself to keep breathin’. Try to force my heart to beat again. How can I live without him?

  There’s still a chance he won’t decide to move to Coda after all. I hold on to that thought. But if he does? We could spend our last nights in Coda as lovers. But will that only make it harder when

  I have to let him go?

  I think about it a long time, but in the end, decide to stay in my own bed. If I only get a couple more weeks with him, I don’t want to ruin them by makin’ things weird between us. But I don’t intend to let him walk out of my life without ever touchin’ him or kissin’ him or havin’ him either. If I have to give him up forever, I will. But I intend to make sure that our last night together is worth rememberin’.

  I sleep late the next mornin’. When I wake up, Zach’s just comin’ back in the room with donuts and coffee. Jared’s family can’t meet with Zach ’til later, so we waste most of the mornin’ loungin’ ’round the motel room, watchin’ Jaws on TV, then eventually meet Matt and Jared for lunch.

  “You’re out with your department?” Zach asks Matt.

  “Yes.”

  “That doesn’t cause trouble for you?”

  He shrugs. “A little at first, but it’s fine now. One of the older cops still won’t talk to me, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone else is cool.”

  “What about the rest of the town? I imagine it’s hard being gay in a town this small.”

  Jared shakes his head. “Most people here are okay with it. I’ve lived here my whole life, except the years I spent in college. I think they’re all used to it by now. Don’t get me wrong—you’ll be the talk of the town for a week or two. But they’ll get over it.”

  We finish lunch, and Matt says he has to go to work.

  “See you two tomorrow,” he says to Zach and me, and then he turns to Jared. He doesn’t kiss him when he leaves. Instead he reaches over and grabs a handful of Jared’s hair, tugs on it a little while they smile into each other’s eyes. The contact between them only lasts a second. Yet I see a lot in that little gesture: possessiveness, desire, tenderness, and love. It’s incredibly intimate, and I have to look away.

  I hate them both so much at that moment.

  Zach…

  AFTER lunch, we went to see the store. Jared was there of course, along with his brother Brian and Brian’s wife, Lizzy. Brian looked just like Jared, except his hair was darker, and he had obviously had his cut sometime in the last three years. Lizzy was all smiles and flashing blue eyes and frizzy blonde hair, and I couldn’t help but like her. It was also immediately apparent that she was in charge.

  Brian and Jared deferred to her on everything.

  The store was huge. The main room was twice the size of my store in Denver, with windows all around. There was another room in back that was about half that size, plus an office, two bathrooms, and a mop room.

  “It’s perfect,” Angelo said. But there was something in the way he said it, like he was disappointed. When I looked over at him, he wouldn’t look at me.

  “We’ve been trying to rent it or sell it, but nobody’s needed it yet,” Lizzy told me. “We own it, so it’s not like it’s costing us anything to keep it here empty. Still, we’d love to have you here, Zach. Why don’t you and Angelo come over for dinner tonight, and we can talk about it?”

  I looked over at Angelo, to get his reaction to the dinner invitation, but he still wouldn’t meet my eyes. “That sounds great,” I said to Lizzy. She and Brian left. Jared insisted that we ride with him. I tried to talk to Ang on the way to the car.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothin’.” But I knew he was lying.

  “What do you think about the store?” I asked.

  “Not really up to me, is it?”

  “That doesn’t mean I don’t value your opinion.” He didn’t answer, and there wasn’t any more time for me to talk to him without having Jared listen in.

  Jared took us on a roundabout route to Lizzy and Brian’s house, showing us most of the small town on the way. We finally arrived at their house. Lizzy met us at the door, with their son James, who was not quite a year old, in her arms. We were then introduced to Jared’s mom, Susan, and Matt’s mom, Lucy. I knew from my conversations with Jared at Folk Fest that his father had passed away years before, but I was surprised to learn that Matt’s mom Lucy lived with Lizzy and Brian. Nobody mentioned his dad, and I wondered if Lucy was a widow too.

  Angelo was obviously overwhelmed by Jared’s family. I could tell that he was suddenly self-conscious of everything he said. He barely spoke at all. He was wary of Lizzy and seemed terrified of Lucy and Susan. It reminded me of his first encounter with Ruby, when he practically knocked over a shelving unit trying to get away from her. It seemed strange until I thought about his past. Being shuffled through foster homes. He obviously didn’t know how to respond to women at all. Their efforts to draw him out only made him more uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to make him relax, especially since he was still avoiding me too.

  I wished Matt was there. He would have known what to do.

  Finally, after dinner, we got down to business. We started talking about rent. “I might have to get a loan,” I told Lizzy. “I have enough for a deposit, but with moving costs, a deposit, and first month’s rent on a place to live, I’m going to be stretched pretty thin.”

  “You give us the deposit, and we’ll give you the first three months rent-free.”

  I was shocked. “Lizzy, I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

  “You didn’t.” She smiled. “So it’s a deal.”

  She stood up and walked away from the table, into the kitchen, and I was trying to figure out what had just happened. Jared smiled at me. “Get used to that,” he said. “Lizzy always gets her way.”

  After dessert, Angelo, Lizzy, and I piled back into Jared’s car and drove back to the store, where my car was parked. Now that I had decided to go forward with the plan, I wanted to see it again, so we went back inside. It was all happening so fast, and yet, I couldn’t see any reason to delay. I only had two more weeks before I had to vacate my premises in Denver.

  The entire interior needed to be painted, and we decided to start the next day. I figured we could get the store ready, find a place to live, and then go back to Denver long enough to tie up loose ends.

  Then we would rent a truck to bring the shelves and our furniture.

  The more we talked about it, the more excited I got. Angelo, on the other hand, didn’t say a word.

  “What are you going to do with all this extra space, Ang?” I asked finally as I looked around. “You’ll be able to double our collection.”

  He was silent so long, I finally looked over at him, and the look on his face surprised me. I had never seen him look so vulnerable. “You think I’m gonna commute or somethin’?” It wasn’t his usual smartass tone either. He sounded hurt. And pissed.

  I didn’t know why it had never occurred to me that Angelo wasn’t coming with me. The whole thing had been his idea.

  He wouldn’t be here?

  I tried to readjust the picture in my head, but this time, without him in it. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t find another employee. Maybe even one that I liked as much as I liked him. One who knew all the shit about movies that I didn’t know. One that would hang out with me after work and engage me in conversations that inevitably left me feeling two steps behind and eat Thai food that was so spicy it scared me.

  All of a sudden, I wasn’t excited any more. What had seemed like a good idea only minutes before now seemed crazy and reckless. And lonely. I didn’t want to do it without him.

  What did he have to keep him in Denver? He didn’t have any family, and he certainly wasn’t attached to his night job at the gas station.

  “Ang,” I began, and before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth, “I thought you were coming with me.”

  Something flared up in his eyes. Rage. Or pain. Or— something I couldn’t identify. Whatever it
was it was directed at me.

  “Why the fuck would you think that, Zach?” Lizzy suddenly retreated to the back room of the store. Jared stayed where he was.

  “I don’t know. I just, I thought—”

  “You thought I’d come with you?!” His voice was getting louder. He was almost yelling. “You never even fuckin’ ask me?

  You just assume I’m gonna quit my job and break my lease. You think I’m just gonna follow you here like a goddamn lost dog? Like

  I need your charity?”

  “Charity? Ang, what are you talking about?”

  “You think you’re my whole fuckin’ life, Zach? You think I got nothin’ else?”

  “Ang, I never said that. I just—it was your idea, and—”

  “I know it was my fuckin’ idea!!” And if I thought he was yelling before, he was absolutely raging now. “You think I’m so stupid I can’t remember? Think I don’t know I’m the one suggested you leave? Think I can’t put two and two together, Zach? Is that what you think?”

  “No. Ang. Wait.” I was sinking fast. I had no idea what was going on.

  “Sometimes I hate you, Zach. I hate how you just assume I’m gonna come over and I’m gonna go places with you and I’m gonna move to this shithole town with you! You think I’m just gonna be sittin’ around my whole life, waitin’ for you to tell me what to do next, Zach? Well, I’m not! I can’t stand it anymore!”

  “Angelo, stop!” He actually did. He quit raging at me and put his head in his hands. I kept talking, before he could start yelling at me again. “I’m sorry! Whatever I did, Ang, I’m sorry. Just tell me what I did, because, I’m really lost right now. I don’t know why you’re so mad. I….” I was thinking fast. I could never keep up with him. “I should have asked, Ang. I should have realized. I just, I thought this was what you wanted. Of course you don’t have to move here. Of course—”

  But before I could finish, he turned away from me and walked out the door.

  I just stood there, staring at the spot he had been standing in. I didn’t know if I should go after him. I didn’t know anything. I finally looked at Jared.