The Ending I Want

by Samantha Towle

  Reaching the elevator, out of breath, tears mixed in with rainwater streaming down my face, I hit the call elevator button. The door opens immediately.

  I fall inside, and I press the button for the lobby.

  The door closes, and the elevator starts to descend.

  I lean against the wall.

  Coldplay’s “Paradise” is playing in the elevator. Some might call it a coincidence. But, to me, it’s a sign from above.

  They’re calling for me.

  I shut my eyes and rest my head back, exhaling out. “I’m coming,” I tell them.

  My time with Liam is over.

  It’s time to go home.

  I’m sitting on a chair in the middle of my roof terrace.

  The place is still lit up like a Christmas tree. The champagne is still sitting in the cooler by the table. The plates and silverware are still in place on the table. The dinner I cooked last night is still on the counter in the kitchen.

  Everything is the same as it was last night.

  Except she isn’t here.

  I’m alone.

  And I’m a good halfway through a fifth of whiskey, which I’ve been drinking straight from the bottle, ’cause that’s how I roll nowadays. I’m just missing the brown paper bag around it.

  Also, I’m staring at Squishy and Ducky, who I brought out from the bedroom where Taylor had left them on the nightstand on her side of the bed—she had a side of the bed—and I have set them on the floor in front of me, so I can stare at them and torture myself with thinking about Taylor while getting drunk and listening to Daniel Bedingfield on repeat. It’s still playing from last night. I never turned it off.

  After Taylor ran out of here and I picked my heart up off the floor, I realized that she’d left her bag. I panicked, knowing that she was out in the city with no money and phone. Her hotel was a good thirty-minute walk from my place.

  I could have gone after her, but I was sure she wouldn’t want to see me, so I called Paul and had him drive around and look for her.

  He found her soaked through and walking in the direction of the hotel.

  He got her in the car and drove her the rest of the way. That’s what I’d told him to do.

  I’d already called ahead to the hotel to make sure they had a new key card ready for her, as that was in her bag, too.

  Paul saw her up to the hotel room and made sure she got in safe.

  Then, I had him come back here, get her bag, and take it to her.

  I wanted to hold on to it, so she would have to come back. But I knew it wouldn’t be right because that wasn’t the reason I wanted her to come back.

  I want her to come…for me.

  But she hasn’t.

  I haven’t heard anything from her since last night. And, now, it’s today. The night is starting to come in, and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

  I’ve just alternated between wandering around my apartment to lying in bed and smelling the pillow because it smells of her.

  Yeah, I’ve turned into that guy.

  So, now, I’m sitting here like a fucking loser, well on my way to getting drunk, listening to the same sad song because it makes me think of her, and I’m wondering what she’s doing right now.

  Yeah, I’m wallowing. Fucking sue me.

  I do know Taylor is still at the hotel, as I told them to call me if she checked out. Or anytime she left at all.

  Stalker-ish, I know, but I don’t fucking care.

  God, how did I fuck up so monumentally?

  I asked her to stay.

  She said no.

  So, I told her that I loved her. And, like the cocky bastard I am, I said that I knew she loved me, too.

  Then, she told me that she didn’t love me, and she ran out of here like her arse was on fire.

  I laugh out loud at myself. Then, I choke on that laughter ’cause it feels like I might cry. So, I take another slug of whiskey to wash it away.

  What a fucking idiot.

  Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

  I was so fucking sure of myself.

  Of course, there was a part of me that was worried she’d say no. But I was so sure that she felt the same as I did about her, so either way, we’d work something out. That I wouldn’t lose her completely.

  How very fucking wrong I was.

  I pushed hard, and she ran.

  And, now, I don’t know what to do.

  I just want her to come back. I want to be near her all the time. Have fun with her. I’ve never laughed as much as I have in the time that I’ve spent with her.

  She lights everything up around her.

  She lights me up.

  And, now, everything just feels dark.

  I put the bottle down on the floor, and then I get up and walk over to the railing. I look out at London. Staring at the city moving beneath me.

  She’s out there without me.

  And, more than anything, I just want her here with me.

  I shouldn’t have asked her to stay. It was stupid.

  And, now, the small amount of time I have with her is gone because I scared her away.

  Who could blame her? A week and a half together, and I’m asking her to live here with me. Not go back to her home. To stay and live in mine.

  And she’s only twenty-two. I forget that sometimes. When I’m with her, the ten years between us seems to evaporate.

  When I was twenty-two…well, I was with Kate. But I was setting up my business and seeing the world while I did it.

  I was living.

  That’s what she came here to do. And I tried to clip her wings by asking her to stay with me.

  What the fuck was I thinking?

  I wasn’t. That’s the problem. I let my heart get the better of me.

  I let my heart go after what he wanted.

  Stupid fucking heart.

  Fuck, I can’t stay here, stuck in my own head, all night. I’ll go insane. I need to go out.

  Pushing off the railing, I go back inside my apartment.

  I grab my wallet, phone, and keys, and then I head out.

  Downstairs on the street, I flag a cab to Cam’s Bar.

  I walk in. Adele is wailing “All I Ask” in the background. Guess I can torture myself with depressing songs here, too.

  Cam’s behind the bar, serving a customer. Eddie’s here, too, sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a pint.

  I haven’t seen either of them since I lost my temper with them last week.

  They’ve both texted me, but being the wanker that I am, I haven’t replied.

  Stupid because, aside from my grandpa, they’re all I have.

  I sit on the stool next to Eddie. His eyes come to me. I see the flicker of surprise in them.

  “Hey,” I say quietly.

  He gives me a nod, and then he picks up his pint and takes a drink of it.

  “Look, man, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I was being—”

  “A prick,” Eddie inserts.

  I let out a laugh. “Yeah, I was being a prick.”

  He looks at me again. Then, he turns his eyes to Cam, who’s just spotted me and is walking toward us.

  The look on Cam’s face is contrite. He doesn’t look mad at me. He looks…sorry.

  “Liam,” Cam says, “I’m sorry about last week. What I said—”

  “Nothing to be sorry for,” I cut him off. “I’m sorry I’ve been MIA this past week.”

  His eyes meet mine in a slow understanding. Then, he nods. “It’s okay.”

  “You’ve probably had Taylor keeping you busy, so we won’t take complete offense,” Eddie says. His tone is a little lighter, so I know he’s forgiven me.

  I snort out a laugh through my nose. “Yeah, I’ve been busy with Taylor.”

  “Where is she?” Cam asks. “Has she gone back to America?”

  “Not yet. A few days to go.” I’m pretty sure she won’t be spending her remaining time with me after I declared my love and sent her running.
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br />   “So, where is she?” Eddie asks. “She saw sense and dumped your sorry arse?”

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  There’s a pause, and then Eddie says, “For real?”

  I glance at him. “Yeah.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry, man. I was just kidding when I said that.”

  “I know.” It’s nothing I wouldn’t have said to him.

  “Sucks, man,” Cam says. “I know you liked her.”

  I love her. I don’t say that though.

  “So, what happened?” Eddie asks me. “You seemed really into each other.”

  “Apparently, she wasn’t as into me as I was her.” I take a deep breath, readying myself to tell them what happened. Might as well go all in. “I asked her to stay with me permanently in London. She said no. That was last night, and I haven’t heard from her since. Don’t reckon I will again, to be honest.”

  Both of them are staring at me, mouths agape.

  I’ve silenced Cam and Eddie.

  It must be bad.

  Cam clears his throat. “I’ll get you a pint.” He reaches for a glass and starts pulling me a beer.

  “Wow. Fuck. So…you like her a lot then,” Eddie says.

  “Yeah.” I let out a tragic-sounding laugh. “Unfortunately, the feeling isn’t mutual.”

  “That might not be the case,” Eddie goes on. “I mean, you did ask her to leave her home and family and move in with you after knowing her for, like, a week.”

  A week and a half, but I don’t correct him.

  “It’s a big deal, Hunter, asking someone to leave their home like that. It would definitely take some thinking.”

  I don’t tell him that she has no family back home. That there is no one there for her to go back to…that I know of.

  Maybe that’s it.

  Maybe that’s why she won’t stay. Because someone is waiting at home for her.

  Pain slams into my chest. I grit my teeth, grinding them.

  “She’s not thinking on it, Eddie. She said no.”

  “Could’ve just been a knee-jerk reaction,” Eddie suggests.

  I know he’s trying to make me feel better, but it’s not working. Because my mind is now on overtime, wondering if there’s someone else. If she has a boyfriend waiting at home for her…

  “Why don’t you call her?” Cam puts my beer down in front of me. “See where her head’s at today.”

  I could, but the truth is, I’m afraid. Not that I’d tell these two that.

  So, I just shake my head.

  “You asked her to stay,” Eddie says. “That took some balls, Hunter. If you can do that, you can call her. I mean, you put yourself out there. You haven’t shown an interest in a woman to that degree since Kate, so that means something.”

  I slice a look at him.

  He holds his hands up. “I know there’s that unspoken rule where we don’t talk about her in front of you. But it’s true, man. Since Kate died…there’s been no one of substance for you.”

  I stare down into my beer and think about Kate…and Jeremy.

  I never thought I would trust another woman again after her.

  But I trusted Taylor. Still do.

  And Taylor means so much more to me, even in the short space of knowing her, than Kate ever did in the six years we were together.

  “Kate was having an affair with Jeremy.”

  Eddie’s head snaps around so quick that I hear it click.

  “They were having an affair?” Cam steps closer to the bar.

  I can see his eyes lighting with anger.

  I blow out a tired breath and nod my head. “I found out the night before the funeral. I got her phone out of the stuff I brought back from Switzerland. I was…missing her. I found some texts…from Jeremy.” I let his name hang there for a moment before I continue, “They’d been having an affair the whole time I was with her. It’d started just after we got together. There were…emails that I found on her laptop. They told me everything I needed to know.”

  “Motherfucker,” Eddie seethes.

  Cam isn’t saying anything, but his face is tight with anger.

  He feels betrayed for me but for himself, too.

  I get that.

  I stare back down into my beer. “After finding that out, I had to go to her funeral and pretend like everything was okay—well, not okay, but you know what I mean.” I sigh. “And then Jeremy fucking came over, telling me how sorry he was, how he was there for me for whatever I needed. I just…lost it.”

  “And you punched him,” Eddie says. “I’m fucking glad you did. But how you didn’t do more, I’ll never know. Because I’d have done a lot more than punch him. I’d have beaten the bastard to death. I will beat the bastard to death when I see him next.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” That’s Cam, and he sounds hurt and disappointed.

  I don’t meet his eyes. I just shake my head. “I don’t know.”

  I do. I was afraid.

  “I guess…I wanted to protect Kate’s memory.”

  “She didn’t deserve protecting,” Eddie says bitterly.

  “Ed…she betrayed me. Not you and Cam. Me. And she was your friend. I didn’t want to sully the memory you had of her. And her parents…I didn’t want them to be affected by it. They’d always been good to me.”

  “So, you kept it to yourself and let us think that you were being a shit to Jeremy…Jesus, Liam.” Cam shakes his head at me. “I’ve carried on with being his friend all these years. You should have told us. We wouldn’t have told anyone else, but we sure would have kicked the fuck out of him for what he did to you and then kicked him out of our lives.”

  I lift my eyes but don’t look at them. “You’ve known Jeremy longer than me…since primary school. I guess I…” I trail off because I can’t say it.

  “You thought we’d have chosen him over you.” Eddie sounds even more disappointed in me than Cam did.

  Won’t lie. It fucking hurts.

  “How could you think that? You’re our friend,” Cam says vehemently. “Our best friend. Yeah, we’ve known Jeremy a long time, but with him, it’s never been like it is with the three of us, and you know that. It’s always been me, you, and Eddie. Jeremy just coasted in and out of our friendship. Even now, I see you way more than I see him. He’s an occasional friend. You’re my best friend.”

  A lump climbs up my throat. I fight to swallow it down.

  “And you have the most money and a private jet, so of course, we’d pick you,” Eddie says, a loose smile on his face.

  And his words are just what I need to stop myself from crying like the pussy I’m turning into.

  Fighting a smile, I shake my head. “Good to know you just want me for my money.”

  “And your private jet. Don’t forget the jet.” Eddie’s grin gets bigger.

  “How could I?” I chuckle.

  Cam leans his forearms on the bar and stares me in the eyes. “Liam, we’re your mates, your best mates. So, don’t you ever fucking keep anything like that from us again. You got me?”

  “I got you.” I tap two fingers to my head in a salute.

  My heart might still feel heavy over Taylor. But it feels lighter from telling them the truth.

  Cam straightens up, and as his eyes lift, he freezes. I know he sees something behind me because there’s a distinct shift in his expression.

  Someone’s here, and I have a feeling it’s someone I don’t want to see.

  I swear to God, if it’s Jeremy, I’m going to nail the cunt to the wall.

  “There’s someone here to see you.” Cam lifts his chin in the direction of the door behind me.

  I look deeper into Cam’s expression. He doesn’t look angry. He looks…pleased.

  And that has me spinning my stool around, my gaze zeroing in on the door.

  Taylor.

  She’s here.

  My breath catches as my eyes connect with hers. My heart takes off like a racehorse in my chest.

  I
slide off my stool, my feet hitting the floor with a thud.

  People are moving between us, but I don’t lose eye contact with her for a second.

  I need to do something. Go to her.

  I force my feet forward, cutting up the space between us.

  My moving seems to set her off, and she slowly walks toward me.

  We stop a few feet away from each other in the middle of the pub.

  “Hi.” Her voice is soft but laced with unease and a hint of sadness.

  And it reaches into my chest and curls around me.

  I can’t speak.

  I’ve wanted to talk to her all day, and now, I can’t think of a thing to say.

  Everything I want is standing in front of me, and I’m here, acting like a fucking mute.

  All I have running through my mind is that I want her to stay.

  But, the last time I said that, I sent her running.

  I want to take the fact that she’s here as a good sign. That she’s changed her mind, but I know better than to presume things in life because, sometimes, presumption can come back to smack you in the face with reality. And she hurts like a motherfucker.

  “You’re here,” I finally say because I’m a dumb fuck and because it’s all I’ve got at the moment.

  Her eyes move from my face and lower to the floor, her lips pressing together, and my heart sinks.

  Because, in that moment, I know she isn’t here to stay.

  I rub the heel of my hand against the ache in my chest.

  “You’re not staying, are you?” It’s not a question because I already know the answer. I just need to hear her say it.

  I need to know why she’s here.

  Her blue eyes—eyes that always make me think of the sky on a sunny day—lift back to mine.

  I can see a world of sadness in them. The sadness she always thinks she’s hiding is now clear for me to see.

  Taylor shakes her head, and at the same time, she quietly says, “No.” Her voice breaks on the word.

  And that one single word breaks my fucking heart.

  So, I do what I always do when I feel pain. I get angry.

  “So, why the fuck did you come here?” I bite out.

  Tears instantly shimmer in her eyes, and her lip trembles.

  And I feel like a bastard, and that pain in my chest only intensifies.

  She bites her lip and closes her eyes, blowing out a breath. Then, her eyes open and focus back on me. “I just…I didn’t want to leave things the way we’d left them last night.” Her voice is soft, like a whisper, but the blows that come with each word feel like hits in the face. “I didn’t want us to end like that.”