by K. C. Crowne
She was a loving mother. A librarian who loved to read. She didn’t drink. She seemed content in her nice, quiet life, and to me, that sounded like torture. I couldn’t imagine a worse match for me, yet here we were. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I was smitten for possibly the first time in my life.
So even if she wanted to be friends, I knew we couldn’t be. I couldn’t go down that path with her. It was a one-time deal; she was absolutely right to make that call.
But if I agreed with her, why was there an ache in my chest every time I thought about never seeing her again?
Before I could answer my own question, I heard a whining through the baby monitor beside the bed. Emma was up, which meant Abigail would soon follow. I hopped from bed, feeling pretty awake for someone who might have gotten an hour of sleep, if that. One thing I was an expert at, though, was surviving on little sleep.
Emma’s whines turned to full-out cries as I approached the bedroom door. As expected, Abigail was sitting up in bed, rubbing her eyes. I picked up Emma and tried to quiet her. I checked for a fever, and she didn’t seem to be hot. I checked her after Alex left as well, and the fever had already gone down, which was a relief.
“Hungry, love?” I asked Abigail.
The little girl nodded.
“Come on, let’s get some breakfast.”
I had to work later that morning, so today would be the first day putting the girls in daycare. I hated leaving them alone after everything they’d been through, but I knew Piper and trusted that the girls would be in good hands.
I helped Abigail down the stairs, only fighting with the baby gate for two seconds before opening it - a new record for me. I was really starting to get the hang of this. I took Abby’s hand in mine. “Careful, lass,” I said, walking slowly beside her. “One step at a time.”
We reached the bottom eventually, and I took them into the kitchen. The highchair was finally put together and in one piece. I placed Emma in it and secured her. Then I turned around and picked Abby up, making a whooshing sound as I swung her around toward the chair. She giggled, and I had to admit, it felt like such high praise. I made a toddler laugh. Sure, probably not the harshest critic, but I was never around kids and had no idea what I was doing. If she was laughing and having a good time, then I must be doing something right.
“Do you like scrambled eggs?” I asked Abigail.
She stared at me as if she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe she didn’t. I wasn’t even sure my brother knew how to cook, much less make breakfast for a child. While I was no expert chef, I could make some mean scrambled eggs and cheese and assumed they would go over well with a toddler.
I prepared a bottle for Emma while I whipped up some scrambled eggs. I placed the plate in front of Abigail, which was apparently too close to Emma, because her sister’s tiny hands grabbed a big chunk of the eggs before I could stop her.
“Hey!” Abigail said, pushing the plate to the other side of the table. “Mine!”
Emma smashed the fistful of eggs into her mouth, and before I could start feeding her, I was googling if nine-month-olds could eat scrambled eggs and cheese.
Okay, eggs were probably fine… Emma tried to reach the plate of eggs and whined when she could no longer get a handful of her big sister’s breakfast.
“Bottle, Emma. I made you a bottle,” I said, holding it to her lips.
She pushed the bottle away with her hand and screamed in frustration. She continued reaching for the plate as her sister plowed through her breakfast.
It was clear that Emma wanted one thing - eggs - a bottle wasn’t going to cut it. I had made some eggs for myself as well, so I grabbed those, careful to take the eggs without cheese, remembering what Alex had told me about dairy and introducing new foods slowly. I put a spoonful of eggs on Emma’s tray and the girl grabbed it with her fist, smashing it into her mouth. More of the eggs ended up on her rather than in her mouth, but she seemed content. At least for a moment. As soon as that pile of eggs was gone, she whined, and I gave her a little more.
“You’re gonna be so spoiled if you live with me,” I said, fearing that responding to her every whim could mean more tantrums later. But I wasn’t sure what I could do. Deny her food? That just seemed cruel, even if she did have a bottle sitting right there. I let her have a couple small spoonfuls, and eventually, she stopped asking for more.
Abigail had cleaned her entire plate too.
“Want some more?” I asked, unsure how much to feed the girls. She shook her head, so I assumed she knew when enough was enough. Maybe I was doing something right after all.
I checked the time and realized I needed to get them dressed and ready for daycare. Emma had eggs all over her shirt, but she was grinning happily as she sucked on her fingers, as if trying to get the last bit of egg into her mouth. Abigail also seemed happy. Both kids were fed and smiling. Maybe I wasn’t as bad at this as I thought I’d be.
“Ready to get dressed?” I asked them, even though I wasn't sure they’d answer.
Abigail, however, did answer me. “No.”
“But you’re going somewhere to play with other kids. Wouldn’t you like that?”
She stared at me, that smile from earlier fading.
“There will be games and more toys than I have here—”
“Toys?” she asked, sitting upright in her seat. “What toys?”
“You’ll just have to see, won’t you, lass,” I said with a grin.
That seemed to change her mind, and she slipped from her seat. “Come on!” she cried, grabbing my hand. “I want toys.”
I laughed as I stood up, grabbing Emma in my arms as Abigail led us up the stairs. Emma was giggling and cheerful even though it was so early in the morning. So cheerful that she tried to spread the joy and smashed her fingers into my mouth - baby slobber and leftover egg and all. She giggled even more when I made a gagging sound that wasn’t fake.
I never in a million years would have expected to be okay with a baby shoving her hand in my mouth, but there I was. It didn’t even gross me out as much as I thought it would.
You girls are growing on me, I thought to myself. And I had to admit, I was a little sad at the thought of them being adopted one day, though deep down, I knew it was for the best. For all of us.
I knew Piper from around town. In small towns, you eventually know everyone, and her daycare was not only the best in town, it was the only one in town. The daycare was so highly regarded that people drove from nearby towns to bring their kids to her instead of finding someone closer to home.
As we walked into the daycare, my mind was instantly at ease.
Piper greeted us with a smile and dropped to her knees next to Abigail and spoke to her in soft, soothing tones. Abigail seemed a bit hesitant at first, but then she saw a couple toddlers around her age sitting in a circle for a story and she let go of my hand and rushed right over.
Piper chuckled as she rose to her feet. “I promise you, they’re in good hands, Liam.”
Emma held on to me for dear life, which surprised me. She wasn’t nearly so scared to be handed to me when I met with the social worker, so I didn’t expect her to be a shy child - but she didn’t want me to leave.
It warmed my heart that the child felt safe with me.
Piper spoke to her and waved me away. I couldn’t move at first, watching as Emma fussed, reaching for me. I didn’t want to leave her.
But one day, I would leave them both with a new family. I had to get used to it. Please, God, don’t let her cry like this when that day gets here, because I might just change my mind.
Piper sat down on the floor with Emma, just out of sight from the door. Her crying ceased, and I could hear Piper playing a game with her. A second later, there was a tiny chuckle, and my nerves calmed.
How do parents do this, I wondered. It about tore me to pieces, and they weren’t even my kids. I would have to get used to being away from them – and they would have to get used
to being away from me – but it didn’t make leaving any easier. I walked slowly out of the daycare, as if waiting for Piper to call me back. She didn’t, and again I reminded myself that they’d be fine.
I got to my truck and climbed inside just as my phone rang. I fumbled with it and finally answered. “Hello.”
“Hi, Mr. McDowell. This is Candace Peters. How are you today?”
“Good, just heading to work. Everything okay?”
“Oh yes, of course. In fact, I have some good news. I think we have a potential foster-to-adopt family for the girls,” she announced.
My heart dropped. “Already? That was fast.”
“Well, yes, but that’s pretty typical. There are a lot of families just yearning for children who can’t otherwise have them, and the girls are young enough that they should adapt fairly easily into a new family, so that helps.”
“That’s good.” I wanted them to be happy. In the few short days I’d had with the girls, I understood that they deserved nothing but the best. A childhood unlike the one I had, for sure. However, I had plenty of questions. “But my brother and their mother? Have they been convicted?” A thought occurred to me and my stomach clenched. “Have they already signed over their rights?”
“No, they haven’t, but once they are, um, convicted…” She paused, sighed, and continued. “Assuming they are, of course, the state will strip them of their parental rights.”
“But won’t that take a really long time?” I asked, confused. I didn’t know a lot about the justice system, but I knew felony cases took a while to go to trial.
“I’m not sure about that,” she answered. “I do know that the adoption process for two children is lengthy. It could take a couple of years.”
I was quiet for a moment, my thoughts rambling around in my head. “So, this couple? They’re decent folk?”
“Yes, I think this couple is promising, Mr. McDowell. If you wouldn’t mind, we’d like to set up a meeting with them, just to see how things go. Would you be available sometime later this week?”
“Uh, sure, I can be available. Do you want me to be there?”
“If you’d feel more comfortable, then yes, you’re welcome to be there. Especially if it makes it less scary for the girls.”
“I think it might. They seem to really like me. God knows why.” I chuckled dryly.
“I’m glad to hear things are going well,” she said. She was quiet for a few moments before continuing. “You know, Mr. McDowell, you are their family, and if you choose to take them in permanently, I’d be happy to assist with that. That would be our first choice, actually.”
I threw my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. The last few days had been so exhausting; I couldn’t remember a time when I’d be this tired. Even partying all night and working all day didn’t create this level of exhaustion, but at the end of the day, when the girls were tucked in their bed, I would just look at them and think…
“Mr. McDowell?”
“Uh yeah, I’m here,” I said, pulling myself together.
I had certainly enjoyed having the girls around, but it had only been a few days. The girls were young, and while I thought they were a handful now, how would I handle puberty? Or boy problems? Or everything that came with being a parent? I was pretty fucked up by my own da, had no idea what it meant to be a father or what parenting even looked like. One thing I knew for sure was that it went beyond basic survival and a few laughs now and then.
I took a deep breath and said, “No, Ms. Peters. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can take them permanently.”
“I understand,” she answered, sighing. “I’ll be in touch soon about the meeting, and hopefully it goes well.”
I hung up the phone and cursed. Never in a million years had I thought I’d get attached to those girls. I’d never wanted kids, never even thought about it. In fact, I feared it so much when hooking up that I was always very careful with condoms and shit.
Not with Alex, you weren’t.
I didn’t know what happened there. I’d been stupid. I prayed the woman was on birth control because I’d fucked up my end of the bargain.
I sighed as I started the engine and tried to put everything in the back of my mind on my way into work.
“Hey, look who decided to show up,” Clark said dryly as I walked into our office.
“Shut up. I had to drop my nieces off at daycare and it took longer than I thought,” I grouched. “Besides, we’ve never had structured, required hours here anyway.”
“I’m just messing with you, Liam. Chill, man.”
“Sorry,” I muttered as I slipped into my office.
River’s Edge Construction Company was in an old warehouse building just outside of Liberty. We rented the space because it was cheap and spacious, and since we met most of our clients outside of the office, the place was pretty utilitarian. A large common area with desks for our assistants and other staff, surrounded by the offices for each of us.
As head of construction, I had my only little team working beneath me. It had been a dream come true for me, something I’d wanted for myself ever since I was a teenager working illegal construction jobs with my da. Illegal because I was too young to be working, but it instilled a work ethic in me that helped me get where I was. As much as I hated that SOB at times, I had to give him some credit for something.
“You coming to the meeting?” Clark asked.
“Shit, I forgot.” I’d never forgotten our Monday meeting before. What was wrong with me? Lack of sleep? Parent brain? Was that even a thing? How did working parents live like this? My brain seemed to be consumed by fairy tales and car seat rules, replacing all the functional stuff.
I picked up my reports, which my assistant, Sandy, had printed out for me before I came in. God bless that woman for saving my ass.
I followed Clark into the conference room and slipped into my seat between him and Declan. Ezra was at the end of the table, with Mike beside him.
“You missed it. We were just taking bets on which one of you will fail first,” Mike said.
“Fail?” I asked.
“The bet?” Mike cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Oh yeah, of course,” I said, feeling like a total dumbass. “So what’s the consensus?’
“Declan, of course,” Clark said. “Has to be.”
“Hey now, I’m off dating for a bit,” Declan defended. There was a collective groan in the room. The pretty boy of the bunch, with his blonde, almost shaggy locks and blue eyes stared at us as if he had no idea what we were on about. “What?”
“Dude, you’re in love with a new girl at least every other month,” Clark said. “And I don’t mean just infatuated but like in love-love. I give you another week before you’re head-over-heels for the next beautiful woman you see.”
“Nope, you’re wrong,” Declan said, shaking his head in denial. “I’m serious this time. No dating. Nothing. Vanessa was too much for me, man.”
I cracked a smile. “Vanessa had serious control issues, and we told you about that when you started dating her.”
“I know, I know, and that’s why I need to take a step back.”
“Yeah, I still give it a week,” Clark said. “Don’t you agree, Ezra?”
“I’m not saying anything,” Ezra said, staring down at the papers in front of him.
“And why the hell not? You’re in on this bet too, you know?” I reminded him.
“I am, but I don’t think it’ll do us any good trying to guess. I think we might all be surprised at the result.”
“Right, like Liam going out first,” Mike laughed.
The rest of the guys chuckled with him, but I wasn’t laughing. I thought about Alex.
Shite. Don’t give yourself away.
I managed a forced chuckle as I smoothed my beard. “Yeah, that ain’t happening. I’m never settling down.”
“So watching your nieces hasn’t made you reconsider whether you want to be a father one day or not?” Mike
asked, and it seemed to be an honest question. He was the only one of us who had children of his own.
I knew I couldn’t tell the truth because I wanted to win the bet. I wanted the other guys to feel it was hopeless and give in, handing over that sweet car to me.
“Nah. I love them, but man, I’m tired and my brain is frazzled. I don’t think I could take this. My liver is pissed at me,” I joked. “This is the longest I’ve gone without alcohol since I was too young to drink.”
“I bet your liver is thanking you, Liam,” Ezra said. “Now can we get this meeting started? I have work to do this afternoon, unlike the rest of you goons.” He smiled as he said it, and that was about as much of a joke as you would get from Ezra, especially while at work.
“Alright, alright,” Mike said, standing up. He was the CFO, and we always started every meeting going over the financial reports. “But first…”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of keys with a Lucky Rabbit’s foot keychain. My eyes widened, and I sat up straighter. “I bought the Camaro in today, figured I’d let y'all have a test drive to see what you’re fighting for.” He handed the keys to me first. “Since Liam is the person I think will most likely win, he can take her out for a spin first.”
“Shit, really, lad?” I asked, picking up the worn-out keychain he’d had since high school. It was his father’s key chain and practically came with the car. “You never let anyone drive Cammy.”
He shrugged. “I mean, I’ll have to hand her over sooner or later anyway. She won’t be mine for long, so I better get used to the idea.”
I stood up and was heading for the door.
“After the meeting, Liam,” Ezra called, staring at me.
“Come on, do I really need to hear about the finances?”
Ezra just shot me a look. I sat back down, impatient to be in the car I hoped would be mine soon.
“Go on, Mike,” he said.
This was going to be the longest half an hour of my life. But as soon as I could get out of there, I did. I rushed out of the meeting and slipped into the black leather seats of the Camaro. I stroked the steering wheel lovingly.