Fuck.
Maybe they’d have like twenty kids.
Twenty little Elijah’s running around.
Take that, asshole.
I smacked my lips together and dropped the bottle to the sand.
“Jesus, Nova,” Britt said. “Oh, fuck, you got the mouth covered in sand.”
“Who cares,” I said.
I grabbed the bottle and put it to my lips.
I started to laugh as Britt raised an eyebrow.
I tossed the bottle over my shoulder and licked my lips.
They were sandy.
When I closed my mouth, I felt the crunch of the sand between my teeth.
“Ah, shit,” I said. “I’m going to rinse my mouth out.”
In my mind I jumped up cool and sober.
In reality, I looked like a fish flopping around on land.
But I got to my feet.
I grabbed my board too.
“Hey, wait,” Britt said.
She jumped to her feet badass and buzzed.
She put her hand to my shoulder. “Don’t go back in there. Not this late. Not in your condition.”
“My condition?” I asked. I laughed. “What’s my fucking condition?”
“You’re blasted, Nova.”
“Better than being pregnant,” I said. “Ooohhh… fucking-a-right…”
Britt didn’t laugh.
I walked away from her and went back into the dark water.
It was so stupid to do this.
But whatever.
The moon was out and it was bright enough that the water had a little bit of a shadow. And the whitecaps of the waves were really visible.
So I was good.
I was solid.
I jumped on the board and paddled my way out.
For a second I thought about just going. Just paddling until I got super tired. Then I could fall asleep. Drift away at sea. Go way out and live with the sea turtles and shit. Find some island that nobody knew about. Turn it into Novaland. And make my own laws.
Law 1. No fucking assholes named Elijah allowed.
Burn.
Law 2. No fucking baby mama bullshit showing up unannounced with a fucking car seat and sleeping baby in the fucking car seat shit.
Burn. Burn.
Law 3.
I had no Law 3 in mind.
I’d get there though.
After I took on the wave staring me down.
As I turned, I realized that by surfing to shore, I’d never get out to sea. I’d never find my island.
Shit.
I paddled forward and waited for my moment.
I jumped up on the board and my stomach kept going.
The wave hit, I grabbed my stomach, and that was the end of that…
I hit the water so hard, I thought my head was going to explode. I coughed, desperate to throw up, but all I could taste was the saltwater of the ocean. The wave took me down and had no issues with slamming me to the ocean floor. Pain shot through my shoulder. My head still hurt. My stomach still felt sick. And now I wasn’t able to breath.
I punched the water. I kicked the water.
I was too drunk to know what to actually do.
So I just rolled with the wave.
Pushing and pulling, banging me off the ocean floor over and over.
The ocean was beating the hell out of me. The ocean was trying to kill me.
And the pain…
I finally just screamed.
Under the water. Not caring what happened next.
I screamed even as my feet found something that resembled balance and I pushed myself up out of the water. I was basically right on the shore anyway. I had been face down in shallow water thinking I was going to die.
“Nova!” Britt yelled as she grabbed my arm.
I looked at her and just kept screaming.
A sane person would have started to run from me. Or maybe scream with me, thinking there was a shark or something attacking me.
But not Britt.
She was smart. And a good friend.
She knew what this was.
Instead of running or screaming, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close to her body.
I screamed one more time and then stopped.
The screams were exchanged for tears.
Loud and sloppy cries and tears.
Britt held me and rocked left to right. “It’s okay, Nova. It’s okay. Let it all out.”
I stood there with my hands at my sides. My board still strapped to my ankle, tugging at me with each wave that crashed and was pulled back into the ocean.
I had no idea how long I stood there with Britt as I cried.
At some point, she slowly began to walk, taking me completely out of the water.
I stood in the sand at the spot where we had been sitting.
Britt gently touched my face and made me look at her.
My lips moved but there just weren’t words.
That was the problem.
I had no words to match the feelings.
So there was no way of getting it out.
Other than doing stupid stuff like getting drunk and going surfing. And almost getting hurt. Or killed. And then screaming like a fool.
I gasped for a deep breath.
Britt nodded. “That’s good. You got that shit out, Nova. You can’t keep that inside. You can’t let it eat you alive. It’s the worst because it’s nobody’s fault yet your heart is shattered like it is someone’s fault.”
Britt understood it.
Fuck, she understood it.
“Time for bed, Nova,” she said. “Come on. We’re out of here.”
I don’t know how but I managed to keep myself together and carry my board all the way back to Cherry’s.
There was no way I was sneaking in through the bedroom window, so Britt helped me navigate the house in silence. But even in silence, Cherry had a sixth sense of knowing what was happening in her house. To me there was no way in hell she didn’t know what I was doing. Yet she didn’t say anything to me about it. Maybe she was just letting me blow off steam. Letting me find a place for my anger. And then she’d eventually step in and tell me to cut it out.
I was soaking wet, in a bathing suit, but I didn’t care as I climbed into bed and curled up under the covers.
Britt sat on the edge of the bed next to me and moved my damp, knotty hair out of my face.
“There’s two choices here, Nova,” she whispered.
“What?” I asked.
“You can forget about him. Leave him as a memory. As your Summer Boy. Knowing you got what you wanted and needed. And let him just go live his life somewhere else with what he has done.”
“What’s the other choice?”
Britt stroked my cheek. “Find an ex and make Elijah feel the way you do. Just without the baby. Of course.”
I laughed. “You’re crazy, Britt.”
“I know. Get some sleep.”
She stood up and walked to the window and vanished through it.
I pulled the covers up over my head and had the urge to scream again.
I swallowed the feeling down and shut my eyes as they filled with tears again.
I reached for Baba and held the stupid, old, stuffed elephant tight against me.
Both of Britt’s options sucked.
I knew what I wanted.
I knew what I needed.
Everything I couldn’t have.
Chapter 2
Elijah
I heard the echoing wail of a baby crying and my entire body jumped. It was like an electrical impulse shooting through me.
I was suddenly wide awake, in my bed, my heart ready to jump out of my chest.
My hands tightened around the sheets as I sat up.
My eyes worked desperately to be awake and alert.
I listened again and heard nothing.
No wailing cry.
Meaning Cecily was still asleep.
Cecily.
; My daughter.
I rubbed the palm of my left hand across my forehead.
I must have been having a dream about her.
When I put my left hand down to the bed, I felt something.
My hand jumped away and I turned and looked down.
Fuck.
I was in bed next to Rory.
But it wasn’t like that.
We were fully clothed. And we didn’t mean to end up in bed together.
Believe me.
The last thing I wanted or needed was to jump into anything with Rory.
Everything still belonged to Nova.
Even if I hadn’t seen her in a while…
I stared at Rory.
On her right side, tucked in tight, holding her balled up fist to her chin, the blankets in her hands. She had the ability to be one of those girls that could sleep peacefully and look pretty as she did it. Not that I thought she was… pretty, pretty…
It was obvious that Rory was pretty though.
Nothing like Nova.
Pretty and beautiful were two different things.
Point being, Rory was under the covers and I was on top of the covers.
Last night - or this morning - Cecily had been fussy. She had been up every hour, screaming at the top of her little lungs. Showing off what she was capable of for such a small, little thing. Her only goal in life was to stay clung to Rory. That in turn made Rory hate me more than she already did. Which didn’t make much sense to me because I had no idea Rory had gotten pregnant. I had no idea Rory had a baby. And I had no idea that it was Rory who sent me that letter and that she was going to track me down to tell me I had a daughter.
And it all happened right in front of Nova.
I rubbed my forehead again and let out a sigh.
Rory let out a comfortable purring sound and rubbed her cheek into the pillow.
When Rory reached her breaking point, she burst into tears while walking Cecily around the bedroom. I had been standing in the middle of the room, waiting for Rory to tell me what the hell to do next. But at that moment, when Rory looked at me, her eyes weary, a sense of innocence in her eyes, I finally just told her to give me the baby. I took Cecily from Rory’s arms and left the bedroom.
Little Cecily cried her heart out for what felt like days straight, but after walking the same stretch of hallway on the opposite end of the giant house, her eyes finally started to shut. It took a while for them to stay shut. They’d slowly close but then pop back open. Then close again. Then open a minute later. The entire time I just watched with a sense of fear, guilt, and loving awe, taking mental notes of what was happening so I knew for the next time.
The next time.
Because I’m a father.
But in that moment, it was okay. Cecily slept in my arms and I was alone in the house. I walked her for another thirty minutes before taking her back to the bedroom to show Rory. By then, Rory was asleep in my bed. I took Cecily to her crib which was in the room next to mine. The room where Rory had been staying. Because there was no fucking way in hell Rory was sleeping in the same room as me.
I managed to get Cecily into the crib without waking her.
Then I took the baby monitor into my bedroom and put it on the nightstand next to Rory.
I was going to just sleep in the bedroom with Cecily. On the floor. Not in the bed.
That’s when Rory opened her eyes.
I told her what had happened.
And she smiled.
It was a genuine smile. The first time I saw her smile since she arrived. Like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. A sense of motherhood poured off her too.
She wanted to talk.
So I sat in my own bed next to her and we talked about random shit until she fell asleep.
And then I fell asleep.
Like a fucking fool.
Next to her in bed.
I wiped my eyes and wanted to stick my fingers into my eyes and dig until I found my brain and pull out all the memories of Rory.
Instead of that I leaned a little bit over Rory so I could see the baby monitor.
Cecily was still sleeping in the same position I had put her in.
My baby.
My daughter.
And then there was Rory.
I looked down at her.
The mother of my baby.
My brain racing through memories like someone digging through a giant stack of papers. Trying to find the night it happened. The night we hung out and enjoyed ourselves. Probably with a couple drinks. And doing something as stupid as not being protected when we hooked up.
And once again… it was Nova’s poor heart that got crushed because of something I did.
* * *
I was one step off the property line and in the sand.
That was my favorite place to have some peace. And a cigarette.
Hell, it was the only place I could have a cigarette in peace anymore.
Life had thrown itself sideways, upside down, backward, forward, and any other fucking direction possible. All at the same time too. It was like throwing a glass of water against a wall. The glass shattering, going into a million pieces. The water staining the wall, some of it staying there, some of it dripping down.
There were just pieces of me and my life scattered everywhere.
But only one or two pieces mattered to me.
I took out my phone and stared at her name on the screen.
There was nothing I could say to make it right. Or make it seem right. Or even lie to her that it was going to be okay.
My thumb slid across the screen.
Hey, babe. Remember the night we were messing around in the water and you thought you got stung by a jellyfish?
I stuck the cigarette into my mouth and used both thumbs to keep going.
And you were freaking out, thinking it was poisonous and you were going to die. So I grabbed your leg and put my mouth to the spot. Your inner leg, above your knee. And you gasped and turned red. Then you laughed. And it turned out there was no jellyfish sting. Just a cut that burned in the water.
I read the message three times.
And I remembered it all vividly.
My mouth against her skin. My tongue flickering against her skin. That blushing look on her face. Knowing I had found a spot that tickled her, yet made her feel so… good.
I hurried to highlight the text message and I deleted it all.
I tucked my phone into my back pocket and went back to my cigarette.
When I got the feeling that someone was looking at me, I turned my head only to find my father standing not too far away. The powerful Alexander standing there in a black robe, no socks or shoes on, holding a glass of whiskey. His hair messy. The same stern look on his face. Like he was ready to fire me. But he knew firing me meant shit because I wasn’t his employee. I was his son. An illegitimate son at that. And now his only son.
Oh… and he was a grandfather.
Grandpa Alexander.
That brought a smile to my face.
The hate that came off him did nothing to bother me.
I was used to it.
And it was no shock why Rory showed up when she did either.
We were all after a check. A big, fat fucking check with Alexander’s name on it. Leaving him with a little less cash and a little more guilt.
Well, that was everyone but me.
I wanted nothing to do with Alexander or his money.
I just wanted what was mine.
A life with Nova.
A love that existed beyond the timeframe of summer.
Alexander kept staring.
I lifted my cigarette up and nodded to it.
“Want one?” I called out. “They’re good for you!”
He wasn’t impressed.
I wasn’t trying to impress him.
I faced the beach and ocean again, not giving a shit about my father or what he was thinking.
After I finished my cigarette, I told myself to
get some sleep. Because Cecily would be awake at any minute, looking for something to eat or just to remind Rory and I that she was in existence.
My father was long gone.
I walked to the kitchen sink and washed my hands.
Upstairs in my bedroom, there was Rory, still fast asleep. Now facing the nightstand, her right hand resting on the baby monitor.
I swallowed hard.
That was the whole Mom instinct doing its thing. Asleep, still checking on the baby.
There was a little bit of pain in my heart thinking about Rory being alone. Finding out she was pregnant. Going through the entire time alone. Having Cecily without me there. Born on Christmas Eve fifteen minutes away from Christmas Day. Then raising her for five months as a single mother.
I reached down and touched Rory’s wrist. I slowly lifted it away from the baby monitor and the nightstand. I tucked her hand back under the covers. At the last second, she moved her hand and grabbed mine. She pulled my hand to her chest. I swallowed hard again and ripped my hand away with speed.
I had to get out of the fucking room.
So I went to check on Cecily in person.
Creeping through the mostly dark room, letting my eyes adjust until I was able to see the little baby in the crib.
Face down, her chubby cheeks and lips making me smile. Her hair was almost the same shade of black as her mother’s. Her hands tucked under her body, her little butt sticking up in the air. Wearing a little, pink onesie with skulls and bows everywhere.
I reached down into the crib with my left hand and touched her back ever so slightly.
Her body jumped and I took my hand away.
“Sorry, little girl,” I whispered. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
My mouth kept moving.
I… I love you… I… I’m sorry…
I turned and walked out of the room.
I pinched the bridge of my nose to keep myself from crying.
That’s when Cecily started to cry.
I put my head back and forced myself to laugh.
I needed another fucking cigarette.
* * *
I changed Cecily’s diaper, fed her, rocked her, and this time when she passed out, I decided to keep her with me. I wasn’t going to sleep on the floor and I wasn’t going to sleep in Rory’s bed. So that left me climbing into my bed, getting into a position that was comfortable for Cecily as she slept on my chest. I kept my hands on her little body to keep her safe. There was something about the way she smelled that soothed me. The smell of formula, a diaper, powder, and just her sweet skin… it helped with everything going on.
HIDDEN CREEK CRY: a hidden creek high noval Page 2