The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby Jr.

  eventually Bobby gently unstrapped the watch from the box and put it on his wrist and turned his wrist this way and that as he looked at it, then took the directions out and started to read them, amazed, and looked at Moishe, Damn Mush, this thing be doin everything—and looked back at the directions with even more astonishment, How you be knowin I be wantin this—Moishe shrugged and smiled—I dont even be knowin this my own self til now…damn. This be the farthest out watch I ever heard of. Goddamn bro, you be somethin else…I….And again Bobby was speechless and just looked at Moishe with the most loving and tender expression Moishe felt he had ever seen in his life….

  On Thanksgiving day Moishe started preparing food early in the morning, literally bouncing up and down. Bobby watched him for a minute before letting him know he was in the room.

  In the afternoon Moishe said everything was ready and he put a duck on the table and surrounded it with bowls of food and gravy. Bobby stared at the food arranged around the dark brown duck, every bowl or platter a different color, everything steaming hot and smelling wonderful.

  Whats that Mush?

  Bavarian duck…from old country.

  Bobby stared, fascinated, at the table as Moishe carved the duck and fixed Bobbys plate, putting everything just so, carefully dripping the gravy just so, placing the plate in front of Bobby just so, Moishe continuing to stand and lean toward Bobby, So…eat…try already the food. Bobby smiled and grabbed his knife and fork and got to the duck and looked at the piece on the tip of his fork for a moment, then slid it off with this teeth and closed his eyes as he slowly chewed, then opened his eyes and smiled and nodded his head, Hey Mush, this be righteous—quickly putting another piece in his mouth and Moishe sat down and beamed at Bobby as he chewed and then ventured onto the potato pancakes and cabbage, his eyes opening wider with each bite—Goddamn Mush, you be a righteous cook, hmmmmm…real righteous. This be outta sight bro.

  They continued talking and leaning back in their chairs for a while after finishing their meal, then Moishe cleared the table and said, So….Now we take a ride, ya?

  Where we goin Mush?

  Prospect Park

  Visit ya tree, eh?

  Ya…we visit my tree.

  A light snow flurry started as they walked to the subway, and by the time they got up to the street in Brooklyn the snow increased but the breeze had almost completely stopped and large, white flakes of snow were drifting to the ground and it seemed to change the color of the air and everything they saw. A thin layer was already sticking to the ground and they could feel it under their feet, and almost convince themselves they could hear it crunch over the noise of the streets, feeling the flakes gently brush against their cheeks, resting on an eye lid until it was blinked off, stopping and opening their mouths and tilting their heads back and allowing the snow to drift into their mouths…walking across the same area of the park they had the last time, and though there were no kites being flown, there were still kids running and yelling, an occasional Frisbee floating dreamlike, birds suddenly creating little whirlpools of snow, bared tree limbs and evergreens almost losing their identity in the snow-heavy air, green grass still peeking through the thin layer of white, the lake and willow trees in the distance having a fairy tale feeling about them, the sounds of voices and distant traffic muted by the snow, everything soft and gentle, and the closer they got to Moishes tree, the more it dominated their vision, the larger it appeared, its limbs bent from the weight of the snow.

  They leaned against the trunk and looked out at the lake, the trees lining the shore, seeing birds suddenly flutter from somewhere within the trees, standing on brown earth that gradually turned white a few feet from where they stood. After a while Bobby squatted and from time to time tossed a small pebble into the lake, the ripples seeming to change colors as they rolled away from the shore. He would wait until the water was still, watching the snow fall and be absorbed by the lake, then toss another pebble, then stopped as he watched a few ducks swim by, then stood up, They be lucky you not gettin ahold a them. They damn sure wouldnt be swimmin they asses off now—smiling at Moishe, who smiled back and put his hand on Bobbys shoulder and squeezed, Bobby standing still and smiling up at him. They stood like that for many minutes, an occasional flake of snow working its way through the limbs of Moishes willow tree and gently brushing a cheek or resting on a nose before melting.

  They left the protection of the tree and wandered around the lake for a while, stopping to watch a couple of young kids tug their sleighs, trying to ride down the slopes even though there wasnt enough snow on the ground, but every now and then they would hit a patch and they would glide forward for a few feet and screech with delight, and for a moment Moishe remembered pulling Karl-Heinz on his sleigh, and riding down the hill with him by the willow tree in the old country, but he let the image disappear, to be absorbed by the snow, and the years, knowing how painful it was to hold onto those memories, so he watched them come, enjoyed them for a brief moment in time, then let them go and continued strolling through the snow with Bobby, looking, listening, enjoying….

  They both felt so relaxed, so content, so stimulated by the wonderful feast they had had, the festive atmosphere they enjoyed while eating, and now the snow, the voices, the laughter and the tree, that they could have walked for ever…but they also knew they would get tired before they got there. So, while the sun was still barely discernible through the snow they started back to the subway, and home.

  The next night Bobby decided to go back to the hood. He almost regretted the decision before he left the abandoned area, but he followed his gut feeling. It was cold, windy, and he pulled his jacket as tight as possible around his neck, but the wind continued to blow flakes of wet snow down his neck, but still he kept his head raised enough to always be able to see what was happening. He covered the last half a mile on roof tops and stopped when he was on the fringe of the spic turf. He had nothing definite in mind but, as before, he figured hed know what to do at the right time. He stood out of the wind against a chimney, carefully watching the street below. Suddenly something caught his eye in the distance and he stared to the east a few blocks and recognized the walk of one of Rauls friends and quickly ran down the stairs to the street. He stayed in the shadows of the doorway checking out the street, but part of his mind was still remembering yesterday and the food and the ducks and the kids in the park and the snow and how warm and comfortable he felt standing next to Moishe…and safe…yeah, safe from everything. Not that there was anything to feel safe from in Prospect Park, or eating the duck, but somehow he felt safe now, but he shook his head clear of all thoughts as he noticed the guy walking down the street, the limp identifying him from almost any distance, and when he was a few yards away Bobby scooped up as much wet snow as possible and suddenly stepped in front of the guy and as he grinned in his face he shoved the snow down the back of the guys neck, Bobby holding him for a couple of seconds, grinning, then let the guy go and quickly disappeared back into the building as the guy jumped up and down, yelling, stamping his feet trying to get rid of the icy snow dripping down his back and Bobby could hear him faintly for a short time as he ran up the stairs to the roof, onto the next few roofs south, then down the stairs, east along the street and long lost in the shadows by the time the guy could connect a name with the face that had grinned at him.

  Bobby told Moishe what had happened, laughing the entire time, a genuine smile on Moishes face when Bobby described the look of shock on the guys face when he felt the ice going down his neck.

  Moishe and Bobby had gone for a walk, and it was late afternoon when they started home, happy that the wind was at their backs. The air was heavy with dampness, the clouds low, the sky overcast and a faint light made their world seem soft and gentle, giving everything a dreamlike quality as Christmas lights and displays in store windows were softened by the air. Bobby was really digging the way the lights sparkled and shimmered, and kept pointing it out to Moishe.

  Ya, is alw
ays nice with the lights and displays, Oh, the next street is a card store, you can get your cards.

  Sheeit, we be havin a few weeks for Christmas Mush.

  Ya, but why not get them now. You wait and each day is something getting in the way and soon…too late, ya?

  Bobby chuckled, Okay bro, we be gettinem now—shaking his head.

  When they left the store Moishe suggested that Bobby might want to get presents for his momma and brothers and sister.

  I aint got no braid Mush, how Im gonna be buyin presents?

  Im owing you money for the work, ya?

  Work? You mean fixin the funky things??? sheeit, that dont be no work bro.

  Moishe shrugged, so what I do with my money? You help me so I pay you. Is fair.

  Bobby grinned at him, Hey, I aint turnin down no braid. You givin, Im takin.

  When they finished eating dinner Bobby started looking at the Christmas cards he had bought that day, When you figure I should be writin these out Mush?

  Moishe shrugged, I guess now is good.

  Bobby continued to toy with the cards….Yeah…guess so. Seem weird be sending cards to my family.

  Youre not sending Christmas cards?

  Well, we just sorta give cards to each other, know what Im sayin?

  O…ya.

  Bobby looked at the cards of a moment….What I be puttin on here?

  Moishe shrugged, Like always….

  Bobby nodded, staring at the cards, Hmmmm….

  You tell them you love them.

  Bobby continued staring at the cards, frowning, then looked at Moishe, Seems different writin it on the card, know what Im sayin? I be handin the moms a card, or Jesse and hugginem an like that…but writin somethin on the card….

  Moishe looked at him for a minute, smiling, then said, You just say, Dear Mom at the top and Love, Bobby at the bottom.

  Bobby looked at Moishe….Yeah, I guess….Somehow mailinem to your own house seems weird—shrugging—but I guess that be cool.

  When he finished signing the cards and addressing and stamping the envelopes, Bobby looked at Moishe for a moment, looking embarrassed….You go with me for gettin the Christmas presents Mush?

  Moishes face lit up instantly, Ya….Ya, I go with you.

  Bobbys eyes were lowered, still embarrassed, Like, this aint my hood Mush an Im not knowin the stores, know what Im sayin?

  Moishes smile was tender, loving, and completely understanding, Ya, I know. Its already a lot of fun to go….Like long ago….Ya, ya, we go tomorrow, maybe the stores not too crowded.

  Bobby looked as if a thousand ton weight had been lifted from his back and he sat up straight and smiled, Right on bro.

  Late in the morning they left the house to start their shopping. Moishe knew he and Bobby would have a good time, and they did. It was different for Bobby this year. He wasnt sure exactly how or why, but it was more fun strolling through the stores with Moishe who seemed to be laughing at everything and enjoying everything and having such a good time Bobby just assumed he was having a good time too, what the hell, why not?

  They roamed from store to store, strolling up and down the aisles, spending most of their time looking at toys and games for Bobbys brothers and sister. By the time they were hungry Bobby had bought a couple of presents and felt cool having the bag hang from his hand.

  They continued shopping after lunch and though Bobby was more restrained, he was just as enthusiastic and happy and checked out everything he thought someone might like. After buying a few more presents he frowned at Moishe and told him he didnt know what to get his mother.

  What it is youre buying before?

  Mostly cigarettes…like if I had the bread I getter a carton.

  Moishe pursed his lips for a moment…Maybe shes liking a nice sweater, keep her warm.

  You think so Mush?

  Ya. I think maybe shes liking a nice pretty sweater…keep her warm, ya?

  Yeah. Spect you right. She sometimes be shiverin, guess maybe a sweater be right on.

  When they reached the womans sweater section Bobby suddenly stopped and stared, confused, when he saw all the different kinds and types of sweaters there were, and Moishe just sort of took over, and when he asked Bobby what was his mommas favorite color Bobby just looked at him and shrugged. Moishe looked through them and finally ended up with a couple of styles and colors and when Bobby couldnt decide Moishe shrugged and held them up and said theyd better take both of them. It took a second for the information to sink in but when it did Bobby smiled, Right on bro, that be a good way solve that problem.

  Now that the important purchase had been made they were free to just roam around the stores and look at whatever they were in the mood for and, from time to time, pick up another little gift for one of the kids. Bobby was still excited by just walking around, knowing he wouldnt be hassled by anyone because he was with Moishe. He had never seen so many different things in his life, not even on tv. He didnt even know what some of the stuff was for, but he had a ball strolling around and looking, being in another world, one so different from his he couldnt compare them, and he was safe, this he knew even though he felt conspicuous from time to time.

  Moishe allowed his memory to go wherever it wanted even if it would, in time, lead to pain. How long since he had such a wonderful time shopping???? Oh…who cares. Right now is the only important time, and right now he was feeling wonderful and enjoying the holiday season, and actually looking forward to Christmas, maybe the last time in his life he would have anything like a family Christmas.

  That night Bobby went back to the hood to see Jesse and tell him where and when to meet him so he could give the presents to him for the family.

  The next morning Bobby and Moishe went through their usual chattering at breakfast, but when they finished eating their talking sort of dwindled into silence, and they looked at their plates for a moment, then at each other, and eventually their smirks turned into smiles when they realized they were both thinking the same thing, and they got up and got dressed and went back to the stores.

  A few days before Christmas they bought a tree. Moishe very carefully unpacked the ornaments and lights and other decorations, some of them from their first Christmas in America. He tested the lights, replacing the bulbs that were burned out.

  Is a long time since I used these decorations—smiling at Bobby—Ya, first since Gertrude is dying.

  Bobby watched, fascinated, as Moishe unpacked all the decorations, dusting off a large wreath, fluffing the ribbon, then putting it on the outside of the front door. Bobby stared at him speechless, and when he finished Moishe closed the door and looked at Bobby and shrugged, Why not? Bobby just shook his head.

  Bobby picked up the ornaments very carefully, for a while, then became less timid in his handling of them, but continued to watch Moishe to see exactly how he was doing it, then felt a sense of excitement as he carefully placed each one on a branch, then stepping back and looking for bare spots, or just looking at the tree and smiling and shaking his head, Damn, it jus keep lookin better n better.

  When they finished with the ornaments they started with the tinsel, Bobby starting by putting one strand at a time in carefully selected spots, Moishe smiling as he watched, then more and more on at a time until finally he was standing back and laughing and tossing them at the tree, Moishe joining him as he walked around the tree tossing tinsel.

  The tinsel boxes were empty and Moishe turned on the lights and they stepped back and looked at the tree, Moishe looking more at Bobby than the tree. Bobby was smiling, beaming, and shaking his head, Damn bro, I aint never seen no tree like this. This be far out Mush…Gauddamn!!!! Damn!!!!

  They put the presents under the tree and Bobby sat on the floor a few feet from the tree and just looked, smiling, shaking his head….Damn!!!! That tree be somethin else. I bet the kids be diggin it they see it—looking at Moishe, grinning—I bet they be diggin some ice cream too bro.

  Moishe laughed and got them ice cream and put
on a record of gospel music. Bobby looked at him surprised, Hey Mush, where you be gettin that?

  Same store Im getting the Christmas carols. While Im in the store theyre playing this, so—shrugging and smiling.

  Bobby shook his head and laughed, Check it out—moving his body in time to the music.

  After a few minutes a different song started playing, and Bobby stopped moving, then stopped smiling. When he handed his empty bowl to Moishe he started frowning and staring at the base of the tree…continuing to stare, the sound of his voice reflecting his expression: flat, almost toneless and disconnected, Maria be diggin this song….She really diggin gospel. She be diggin Christmas too, all the time talkin about the baby jesus. Seem like Christmas the day she be lookin for the most. Guess she dont got to worry none bout that now.

  Moishe watched Bobby as he got up and went over to the tree and knelt down next to the presents and started looking at them, picking them up and putting them down, moving as if in a daze. Moishe took the record off and the sudden silence seemed to scream through the room and create a black hole that threatened to suck them into oblivion until he put the carols back on. Bobby continued to move the presents around, checking the name tags, feeling the ribbons, checking out the bows, all his movements detached, dreamlike.

  Bobby sat quietly for a moment, then took an ornament off the tree and let it hang from his fingertips for a second, then put it back, touching it with his fingertip, staring at the point of light reflecting from it, lowering his hand and continuing to stare…eventually shrugging slightly, then standing, Im beat Mush. Gonna get my ass to bed.

  Ya…is late and very busy day—watching Bobby force his body into sluggish movement, his shoulders rounded. It seemed like a very long time before Moishe heard the sound of Bobby going to bed, a slight sound as if he had lowered himself slowly and carefully onto the mattress, and then not move except to breathe just barely enough to stay alive, as if he were hiding from a drunken guard with a club who wanted to bash his head in and break all his bones. Moishe leaned for what seemed an eternity against the sink, almost seeing the pain in Bobbys body and mind, struggling with the knots in his gut, the tears struggling to flow from his eyes, the terrible black, cancerous sadness and longing pushing at the back of his throat and churning through his body, a sadness that filled every cell of his body and mind, a pain that forced Moishes eyes closed for a moment, slowly becoming aware of the tears trickling down his cheek, tears that felt so cold and wet as if they came not from within him but from some foreign and alien place of blackness and ice, his head bending lower and lower until he became aware of a groan starting deep within him, ripping his gut, growling in his throat, then slowly forcing itself through his twisted mouth with a deep sense and sound of unbearable anguish and Moishe shoved himself from the sink and staggered across the room to a chair and fell on it, supporting himself by leaning on the table, no longer seeing the tree with the ornaments and tinsel reflecting the lights, the presents seeming to have disappeared and even though he knew the lights were on and he could see the familiar walls and objects of a lifetime, he felt only darkness, a horribly familiar darkness, an impenetrable darkness of such heavy substance it threatened to crush the life from his body, a darkness he had suffered and survived for so many years, so many times, a darkness filled with demons he thought he had left behind many, many years ago in a lifetime past, but now again devouring him in little bits and pieces, one tearful cell at a time crying out for mercy and Moishe cried for Bobby and his pain, and for himself and his pain, a pain not forgotten but thought to have been in the past, a pain he would not wish on anyone yet here he was not only suffering the same pain but witnessing its destruction of a young man he loved as his own child and he shook his head, feeling the tears fall on his hands, wondering why the world had to be so cruel and why he was once again going through this when all he wanted was to live his final days in peace, but he could not allow himself to become enmeshed with that for if he did it would certainly destroy him, and that would be of no help to Bobby, and certainly none to him because he did want to leave this life peacefully and not raging with pain and torment, so he forced himself to sit up, a little at a time, and to breathe deeply and slowly until he could actually hear his breath going in and out, in and out, in and out, and he tilted his head back as he so often did in the sun to feel its warmth, but this time all he felt were the tears rolling down his face, and he cried out to Gertrude, the sound of his voice startling him and he shook his head and remembered, again, the day they got the news about Karl-Heinz, but now Gertrude was no longer here and it was Bobby who was going through the agony of conflict and grief, and there was nothing he could do, nothing, right now, he could say to Bobby, this he knew in his gut, that he had to leave Bobby alone with his suffering, right now, and just be there for him if and when he wanted comforting, but dear god why did he have to suffer with Bobby, hasnt there been enough pain for any one person in his life? And how many times would he ask this question, cry out the same words to some unseen force? Oh enough…enough Werner we have gone past the point of no return, past the point of useful grieving over our past, and certainly past any point of reason about worrying about Bobbys future. Over and over…we have been here, right here, many times. The only thing is to let it go…let it go…wish for his happiness Werner, what else is there right now? Wish for his happiness and we/ll see what tomorrow brings. This will pass as does each day and tomorrow will bring itself and thats always enough. Yes, always enough. Just let it all go Werner.