The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby Jr.

  Bobby lay in bed thinking of Maria, feeling how small and smooth her hands were, and how she rubbed up against him and twirled her fingers on the back of his neck, and how the feelin seem to go right down his spine and into his crotch…seem like no matter where she touched him the feeling went to his crotch and his dick got hard, and he cupped his crotch with his hands, and felt her tongue between his lips, and how she shoved herself on him and even now he remembered how her eyes always had a sparkle in them, sort of like the lights on the Christmas tree shining off the tinsel and then she was falling through the air, her eyes wide and mouth open but it was quiet and she just kept falling and falling and no matter how hard he tried he couldnt stop her falling or switch back to her tongue or the light in her eyes, she was just falling and then she was on the ground like he was over her and then just standing, but she was bleeding and he was all confused and then he had Raul on the roof and forced him on his knees to look over the edge, down into the alley with all the garbage, broken bottles and winos and he shoved him slowly over the side, Raul struggling but the skinny fuck wasnt worth shit and Bobby twisted his arm behind his back and kept shoving the muthafucka over the side, letting him balance on his gut and rocking him back and forth, back and forth, pushing him a little more each time until he was almost hanging straight over the side and Raul was yelling but his screams were lost in the wind and the snow and who could hear one more scream over the rest of the noise, but Bobby could and loved it but he wished he could just remember Maria and see her eyes and feel her hand but it only lasted a moment and then he was smashing his fist into Rauls face and hanging him over the side of the building, holding him by his ankles and watching him squirm, his head banging against the side of the building and Bobby squeezed his hands together tighter and tighter, his knees slowly drawing up higher, and he could feel the silent groans rumbling in his throat, and tears rolled down his face into his pillow, and his body became increasingly tense as over and over every memory of Maria was replaced with violent thoughts of Raul, and finally he felt his tears on the pillow, and felt a continuing silent scream twist itself though his body and mind as he felt himself caught between Maria and Raul and he knew with more and more certainty that he had to kill the muthafucka, he had to kill him but not too fast, he had to make the fucka know what was happening, he had to know there was no way Maria was just goin be rotten in a grave an that muthafucka walk free, no fuckin way, and soon all there was was Raul, Maria having faded into the shadows and he was unable to reawaken her image, to feel her hands, her lips, her tongue, the warmth of her body, there was only the cold hatred that he pounded into Raul and the feeling of pounding the muthafucka made him feel good, really good…it made him feel even better than thinking of Maria, and the frustration of feeling the excitement that memory sent through his body, it just reminding him of what can never be again, shes dead an aint never gettin up outta the grave so why think about her an how she felt and how he felt, but killin that muthafucka Raul made every part of his mind and body come alive, made every part of him pump with energy and hatred that cleared everything else from his mind and he felt like a fuckin king, like no muthafucka nowhere could do him anything, like he was the most powerful dude in the whole world, and he continued to slap the shit outta the muthafucka and pound him with his fists and dangle him over the side of the building and watch him fall to the alley, over and over until he could no longer keep the image going and his body suddenly seemed to curl itself into a ball and he somehow drifted into a darkness without images and he slept, still knotted, hands still in a fist so tight his palms were indented by his fingernails, and his body and mind continued to torture themselves while he slept, not allowing him to rest but only to be unaware of the images going on in his mind.

  On Christmas Eve they decided to open their presents before Bobby went to give the presents to Jesse. They had agreed to only give one present each, but there were 4 under the tree. Bobby looked at them, then at Moishe, I know I only be buyin one so whats happenin bro?

  Moishe smiled impishly and shrugged, Im seeing already a couple things….

  Bobby smiled, nodding his head, You too much Mush…but I dont be complainin. You wantin to buy me presents I be takin them, you better believe.

  They laughed and looked at each other for a moment, then Moishe picked up a gift and handed it to Bobby. He tore the paper off and yanked out a pair of jeans, Hey, these be sharp Mush…far out….

  Im thinking youre needing them so it doesnt really count as a present, ya?

  Hey, whatever you say Mush—both laughing as Moishe picked up another gift, a very small box. Again Bobby ripped the paper off and fumbled the box open and stared at the contents for a moment, puzzled, then picked up the chain and looked at the medallion hanging from it. He looked at Moishe, What it is bro?

  Good luck charm. Is African—smiling—mojo.

  Bobby looked at Moishe, grinning, then chuckled, Gauddamn, a muthafuckin mojo. Well alright. Damn….

  Moishe grinned, feeling a warmth flowing through him. Bobbys eyes were sparkling and Moishe could see, as well as feel, Bobbys gratitude and affection, as well as his amazement and surprise. He watched as Bobby put it around his neck and looked down trying to see it on his throat. He got up and went to the mirror and stood in front of it for many minutes posing with his mojo, from time to time turning around and showing it to Moishe, Man, this be cool…check it out bro, it be cool…continuing to look at it in the mirror until he suddenly turned and rejoined Moishe on the floor by the tree, I bes be givin you yours Mush—handing him the present, his eyes filled with the deepest love, Moishe melting into Bobbys expression, the gift wrapping feeling warm and almost alive—It dont be much bro, but I think youll be diggin it. Moishe unwrapped the gift slowly, smiling, savoring every minute of opening a gift from someone who is all excited, waiting for you to open the gift, someone who is watching your face, your eyes, to see your reaction, to see how your heart responds to what they think is a little gift, nothing much, but is always their heart wrapped in pretty paper—Damn Mush, you be unwrappin forever. Lucky thing it not be alive, it be long dead. Ya, ya—chuckling and tearing the paper off and tossing it aside and holding up a picture, framed, of a scene of a lake with trees in the background, ducks on the water, birds flying through the sky and low over the water, and a willow tree in the foreground. Moishe held it at arms length and stared, his heart pounding—I be knowin how you like the tree bro so I figured you be needin one down here—Bobby grinning anxiously, trying to get Moishe to say something, Moishe stunned in silence not only by the gesture of love, the simple fact that Bobby knew how he felt about the tree and probably looked hard for a picture like this, but the thing that Moishe stared at was not the tree but the birds flying in the air, something you never saw in the camps…none of them. Birds never flew over the camps…

  Well bro, whatchya think? staring anxiously at Moishe, worried that he made a mistake, Moishe suddenly grinning and smiling warmly and looking at Bobby with open and simple love, Its so beautiful gift—shaking his head, unable to stop a few tears from rolling from his eyes—Im loving it so much Bobby, its—again shaking his head and shrugging, unable to speak, but his expression letting Bobby know that he loved the gift and Bobby beamed and squeezed Moishes shoulders, I be hopin you be diggin it bro—and Moishe could see how much it meant to Bobby to have given him a gift he liked, something truly meaningful, Bobbys entire expression telling the story—Ya…ya, is something special—looking at Bobby for a moment, both silent, then Moishe gave Bobby the last gift, Something I thought youre needing. Bobby held the gift for a moment, smiling, looking at Moishe, then gently started opening the wrapping and took out a brown, cashmere scarf and held it in his hands, rubbing his fingertips up and down, looking at Moishe with total amazement, Man, this be smooth. Ya, is cashmere. Is very warm too. Catchmere. Damn—putting the scarf around his neck and pulling it back and forth for a moment, then wrapping it around a second time—Damn, I aint never be fee
lin anythin like this Mush—Moishe beaming and almost jiggling up and down with happiness—This be the softest thing…rubbing it against his cheek and shaking his head….Damn—holding up his hand and Moishe slapping it, then continued to sit for a few minutes, Moishe looking at his picture, then the walls thinking of where he wanted to hang it, and Bobby keeping the scarf around his neck and looking at his mojo, eventually putting it back around his neck. He looked at Moishe, Where you be puttin that? Moishe shrugged, Maybe on that wall so Im seeing it from my chair. Thats cool. Moishe nodded his head, Ya, seems like good idea. He banged a nail in the wall and hung the picture and sat in his chair and looked at it for a moment, smiling, Ya…ya….Bobby stood behind the chair and looked, Hey, check it out. That be a cool spot bro. They stayed like that for a few minutes, then Moishe stood, So—turning and once more looking at Bobby, both smiling happily—Merry Christmas Bobby. Right on Mush, Merry Christmas. Moishe tentatively reached out and squeezed Bobbys shoulders, and after a moment Bobby did the same to Moishe and they stood there for a moment, then Moishe said, So…time to pick up the paper, ya?—laughing and picking up the wrapping paper, from time to time looking at the tree…Bobby starting to put his familys gifts in shopping bags, I—bes be gettin to see Jesse, damn if they aint gonna be pissin in they pants they be seein all this sheeit—laughing and shaking his head as he carefully put them in the bags. He got dressed, putting the scarf on last and wrapping it around him twice, Check it out Mush, lookin sharp, eh? Is very nice—shaking his head—Ya…is looking very nice. Bobby stared at Moishe for a moment…then picked up the bags, Seeya later bro.

  Moishe walked through the apartment for a few minutes, checking in with every room, feeling like a celebration, still thinking of Bobby wearing his scarf, and ended up sitting in his chair looking at the picture.

  Bobby bounced through the barren lots, not really noticing the abandoned and gutted crumbling car bodies, not wondering who might be in them or in the buildings or shadows. He kept rubbin his chin against the scarf and feeling so cool, so mellow, feeling himself walking higher and higher on the balls of his feet, wondering just how high he could stretch himself, the bags of presents feeling weightless in his hands. He could feel his nose getting colder by the seconds, yet he felt warm and comfortable, and even sort of liked his nose feeling cold because it made the rest of him feel even warmer. He walked fast enough to keep himself warm, feeling as if he was going to a party…no, he felt as if he was a party, yeah, like he was a party happening right now, and he couldnt wait to see Jesse and give him the presents and see his eyes roll back in his head like they did when he was surprised and excited. Bobby chuckled as he thought of Jesses reactions to the bags of presents and walked faster, becoming increasingly anxious to see him. He unconsciously stopped turning corners at the last minute and doubling back on himself, but took the shortest most direct route. He still more or less looked around, but felt safe and there seemed to be a special kind of feeling in the air so he just walked rapidly through the streets not studying every shadow and doorway, that somehow the feeling in the air, and within him, made it impossible for anything to happen, that everyone must feel the way he did and just wanted to have a good time, and the car lights looked like Christmas lights, and even the cabbies seemed to be laid back, at least for cabbies. The street lights made him think of the Christmas tree they had and all the sparkling lights that blinked off and on, and the ornaments and all the decorations, and he seemed to feel even warmer thinking about it, or maybe it was just that his nose was getting colder, but no difference, he was feeling good thinking about that tree and how so many things were reminding him about it, even the lights in windows, and neon lights in stores, and what the hell that be fine and he suddenly had to swerve from his path as a drunk wrapped himself around a lamppost and started puking, slowly sliding down with each eruption until he was on his knees hanging from the lamppost moaning and mumbling as vomit continued to trickle from his nose and mouth. Bobby swung wide to avoid him and hustled past, fast, shaking his head for a second but leaving the drunk in the past and switching his thoughts back to the tree and Jesse and wishing he could show him their tree, and the moms too and everyone, but might be some other time, but it sure be cool havin a tree like that, sort of makes things different somehow, it do something but it be real cool to have a mess of presents for everyone, that be the thing that be makin it feel good…yeah, an makin him feel all warm inside, well what the fuck, even that poor sucka hangin from the lamppost be feelin fine…for a while, and Bobby chuckled out loud again and shook his head, still not able to understand how drinkin that wine make you feel good enough to end up hang from a lamppost and pukin your guts out…damn, seem like a fucked up way to be happy, and he shrugged and continued walking and bouncing and looking forward to seeing Jesses face when he saw the bags of gifts.

  The streets were more and more crowded and people were knocking into each other as they rushed along, eyes lowered trying to get as deep as possible into their clothes, wanting to feel the warmth of Christmas Eve even though the wind was telling them they were freezing and there was no way they were going to survive the weather but they kept moving and knocking into each other hoping theyd get to where they were going soon and be able to relax in a warm room. Bobby didnt even notice the people bumping him, barely hearing their mumbled apologies, if anything at all was even said, and turned the last corner and continued down the east side of the street, noticing Jesse waiting on the inside of the door of the diner, and went into a doorway halfway down the block. Jesse waited a couple of minutes, checking everyone out who was walking along the street, then joined his brother.

  Hey bro, whats happenin?

  I be cool Jes—smiling and grabbing Jesses hand and rocking it back and forth, holding it much longer than usual.

  Hey, doan be yankin the muthafucka off bro.

  Bobby was grinning widely, Sorry Jess, guess I be excited, eh?

  You aint on somethin are ya? You be lookin cranked bro.

  Naw—shaking his head and laughing—Just diggin the scene.

  Yeah, I see you got bags. They all for us?

  Right on Jess. Theys marked what for who.

  Damn—shaking his head in wonder and hefting the bags in his hands—That be a lots a shit bro. Where you gettin all this?