A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  When they ordered quickly Alice felt renewed hope that it wouldn’t be a late night. But David had chosen to catch a cab, so no doubt he’d make the most of that decision. She was both relieved and disappointed to discover that Tom and Will were his colleagues. Relieved because it meant less pressure on her to impress them, and disappointed because David probably didn’t need to either, and so he could let loose. Weighing it up, she decided it was probably better that they were his colleagues. Then she wouldn’t be under the same scrutiny – from David as much as from the two men – that she would be if they were clients. Small mercies.

  Unfortunately, towards the end of the meal, as they were considering the dessert menu someone suggested a round of shots. Alice cringed. She was already feeling queasy and tipsy thanks to her cupcake overdosing and the red wine during the main course.

  After much goading from the men and much resistance from her, Alice agreed to one round, instantly cursing her weakness in submitting to peer pressure. But in some dark part of her brain, she was hoping that by appearing to have a great night and heartily joining in, David might be more receptive to her news later. Or was she just finally unwinding, letting go of all the tension that had been consuming her? Usually she hardly drank more than a glass or two of wine with a meal.

  At least they didn’t choose tequila – that would have seen Alice throw up for sure. She loved liquorice, so the black Sambuca went down well. And the second. Before she gave it too much thought, they’d all bought a round – well, each put a round on their table’s tab, presumably for the company credit card – and they were laughing with more uproar than was necessary at how black their lips were. Suddenly the men were telling stories about colleagues in common and project stuff-ups, laughing like they were the funniest stories they’d heard in decades. Getting bolder and bolder about things they’d told their previous bosses, each man was bragging loudly, seemingly trying to outdo each other. Alice was happy to sit and listen. She was suddenly feeling very, very drunk.

  ‘Come on, Alice, surely you’ve got a horrible previous boss story?’ Tom said.

  ‘Alice has been out of the workforce for a while at uni, so she doesn’t have a bad boss story,’ David said.

  ‘Actually,’ Alice said, and told them the story about the photocopier assault incident.

  ‘Wow,’ Tom said.

  ‘That’s crazy,’ Will said. And the mood seemed to fall flat.

  ‘You should have taken that job, you might have been happier,’ David slurred.

  ‘She seems happy enough to me,’ Tom slurred and raised his glass to Alice with a wink and a smile.

  Alice smiled back. ‘Thanks, Tom.’

  ‘Doesn’t stop her complaining all the time, though, does it?’ David said, and then rolled his head back.

  ‘Ha-ha, David’s the first one to go,’ Tom said, and cheered, and Will joined in. Then they promptly ordered another round.

  ‘Actually,’ Alice said, breaking into the silence, ‘you don’t need to worry about me complaining anymore, David. I quit today.’ So there. How do you like that? That’ll teach you for putting me down in front of your friends. For a split second she felt victorious. But in the next she felt awful.

  ‘Ooh,’ Tom said. ‘Um. Good for you?’

  ‘Yeah. Go, Alice,’ Will said with very little enthusiasm.

  Suddenly everyone seemed completely sober. Except Alice. Her head was swimming. But perhaps that wasn’t because of the alcohol.

  ‘You did what?’ David said, straightening up, glaring at her.

  ‘Quit. I quit.’

  ‘Fuck. Without discussing it with me?’

  ‘Well, you did say if I was really not happy … And I wasn’t. I was miserable. Carmel Gold is a bitch.’

  ‘I think that’s our cue to leave,’ Will said, cringing. Out of the corner of her eye, Alice saw him signal a waiter.

  ‘Yep,’ Tom said. ‘Can we get the bill, please,’ he asked the waiter who had come over.

  Jesus, David, say something. Alice wasn’t sure if she’d said the words aloud or not. A part of her was glad her secret was out. Another part of her was alarmed by the look on David’s face, which she couldn’t quite read. White hot anger? Had she seen that expression before, she wondered as she searched her memory.

  Before long they were outside shaking hands, exchanging grunting, slurred pleasantries and then piling into two taxis – one for her and David and one for Tom and Will.

  Alice gave the driver their address. David remained silent, and stayed that way for the entire trip.

  At home they stood side by side and cleaned their teeth without a word and then climbed into bed and rolled over with their backs to each other.

  Alice’s head was spinning and she didn’t think she’d ever get to sleep. God, what a day! She felt awful about upsetting David, but also glad her news was out. Maybe David was just drunk. Maybe he wouldn’t even remember. That thought almost made her laugh out loud. One can hope! Though, having to tell him again in the morning didn’t bear thinking about …

  *

  Alice left David sleeping to take Bill for a walk. Her head was pounding with a massive hangover headache, but the dog had appeared beside the bed, scratching at her and she hadn’t wanted to risk waking David by telling him no. She figured the longer they avoided talking about last night, the better.

  When she returned, the paracetamol and water had taken effect and she was starting to feel less queasy. The fresh, crisp morning air, while an initial shock to her system, had helped too.

  David was sitting at the kitchen bench, his hands wrapped around a steaming mug when she entered.

  ‘What’s this?’ he said, pointing to the container of cupcakes on the bench. Alice cursed to herself – they had cream in them and she’d forgotten to put them in the fridge. Were they still edible?

  ‘Lauren brought them over yesterday. To, um, commiserate with me about quitting.’

  ‘I thought you’d have been celebrating,’ David said icily.

  Well, that too, she wanted to say, but didn’t. David was angry. And clearly he hadn’t forgotten the bombshell she’d dropped publicly the night before.

  ‘So, hang on,’ he said, ‘you didn’t quit yesterday afternoon, at the end of the day?’

  ‘No. I couldn’t make myself go at all. I’m sorry, David, I just couldn’t.’

  ‘So you had all day to tell me, but you didn’t? You waited to blurt it out in front of strangers? How do you think that made me look, Alice?’

  ‘David, they were fine.’

  ‘That’s not the point … Wait a second. You were dressed for work when I picked you up from the office. Why would you …?’ His eyes were as big as saucers, suddenly full of comprehension.

  Alice couldn’t hold his stare. She went over and busied herself with the coffee machine, which thankfully required some attention before completing its task.

  ‘Oh. My. God. Alice, I can’t believe the level of your deception. I don’t even know who you are anymore.’

  ‘I …’ she began. But he held up his hand.

  ‘I can’t even look at you right now. I’m going to the office.’

  But it’s Saturday. Fine, just run away, David.

  *

  When Alice could ignore the itching guilt of quitting and upsetting David, she felt light and exhilarated with her decision. She was determined not to let David’s scolding ruin her day. He hadn’t been the one working for Carmel Gold. And if he’d been more understanding maybe she wouldn’t have blurted her news out like that at dinner. No matter what he said, she still felt right about leaving. Free. God, it felt good to be free. While she hadn’t been physically cooped up, she actually felt as if she had. It was like she wanted to throw the doors and windows open after a long, cold, damp winter and run out into the sun and warm air, with her face raised and her arms outstretched. And run and run and run. She was brimming with energy desperate to be spent.

  After walking Bill she tied him up and ran
some laps of the oval and did some push-ups and other exercises on the equipment in the park. But she still felt the need to keep moving. And be around people. She took Bill home and collected her swimming things and a clean set of clothes.

  A serious workout at the pool finally helped her to feel more settled and clear headed. She was thrilled when Lauren returned her text saying yes to brunch at Alice and David’s favourite café near the market.

  ‘Hiya,’ Lauren said, closing her notebook and moving her bag so Alice could sit down. She half-stood and they hugged before sitting down again. ‘Has David gone away on a work trip again already?’

  ‘No, we’ve had a fight and he’s off sulking at the office.’

  ‘Uh-oh, because of quitting the job, right?’

  ‘Yup. But we’re not going to talk about it. Everything’s always about me when you and I get together lately.’

  ‘I must say, you’re very chipper for someone whose partner has …’

  ‘Uh-uh,’ Alice said, waggling her finger in the air between them. ‘I’m not ruining this beautiful day talking about it. It will be fine. The sun is shining and soon it will be winter, so we need to make the most of it.’

  ‘Okay then. Got it,’ Lauren said, grinning, as she picked up the menu.

  ‘You seem cheery too, more so than usual. Have you had a writing breakthrough? When do I get to read something – it’s been ages.’

  ‘Do you want to?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Well, I’m a little chuffed with what I’ve just done, actually,’ Lauren said shyly. ‘It just came out.’

  Alice admired the serene look on Lauren’s face, the complete and utter contentment.

  ‘Here you are,’ she said, opening her notebook and pushing it across the table to Alice. ‘It’s not very long.’

  ‘Please don’t feel you have to show me.’

  ‘I’m cool. But don’t feel you have to read it.’

  Alice let out a laugh. ‘Listen to us dancing around. Lauren, I would absolutely love to read your piece. It would be a privilege, especially because I just know that one day you’re going to be famous.’

  ‘You’re too sweet. Well, I’m working on it. Tell you what, I’ll go and order and you read. I can’t bear to sit and watch you.’

  ‘That’s a good plan. I’m not keen on you hovering over me like a hawk, either. Here,’ Alice said, fishing her wallet out and extracting some notes. ‘I’ll have the eggs and bacon on sourdough, an OJ and a latte.’

  ‘Snap. Me too. Be back in a bit.’

  Alice smiled as she watched Lauren practically skip her way to the counter, darting between the closely packed tables and other patrons. Then she started to read Lauren’s story titled ‘Day from Hell’.

  From the first line Alice felt herself being drawn into the plot, and the activity and noise in the café seeped far away into the background. She was gripped by the story of Matilda, a young woman walking down an alley after a late night out, who had just heard footsteps behind her. Alice’s heart raced along with Matilda’s. She urged Matilda to get her mobile out of her bag, or better yet a can of pepper spray or mini-deodorant. Alice read on, a hand at her throat fiddling with her necklace, a habit she had when reading and engrossed. As she read she didn’t even notice Lauren sit back down opposite her. Alice’s heart almost stopped as Matilda turned the corner into a blind dead-end, a high brick wall in front of her leaving her nowhere to go. And then there were more footsteps, running.

  Alice was hearing everything she was reading on the page as clearly as if it were a movie. Suddenly a voice shouted, ‘Stop. Police. You’re surrounded. Put the knife down.’ There was a clatter of metal on cobblestone. ‘Jason Parkes, you are under arrest for stalking.’ Alice didn’t realise she was holding her breath until she let it out along with Matilda as she slumped into the arms of a burly police officer. She was safe after two years of fear. ‘You were really brave. It’s over now,’ the officer said, letting her sob into his chest before gently easing her away. Alice felt tears of relief and sympathy for Matilda gathering in her eyes, and quickly wiped them away.

  She looked up from the page and took a few moments to get her bearings. She’d been there with Matilda in that alley. She blinked a few times and took a couple of deep breaths. She glanced across at Lauren who was clearly trying to not look at her.

  ‘Wow, Lauren, that was incredible! I was right there with her – I heard and felt everything. I’d swear it was a much longer piece,’ she said, flicking back the pages she hadn’t remembered turning. ‘In a good way. It was so intense.’

  ‘Thanks so much. I really appreciate you saying that.’

  ‘Thank you for letting me read it. It really is fantastic. Are you going to send it out to a competition or a magazine, or somewhere?’

  ‘No, it was just a writing exercise about fear.’

  ‘Well, you nailed it. Look at me, I’m a wreck. My heart was racing and I started to sweat,’ Alice said, fanning her face with both hands. ‘Lucky it wasn’t a sex scene,’ she said with a laugh, starting to feel a little self-conscious at how affected she’d become.

  ‘Aww, bless.’

  ‘I’m serious, Lauren, the whole world needs to experience your stories.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know about that.’

  ‘Please don’t hide your talent away and wait for an idea for a novel. You move people, Lauren. You’re good. Really good.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll think about it,’ Lauren said, becoming visibly embarrassed.

  After brunch they walked the aisles of the market and filled their shopping bags before saying goodbye.

  Still feeling upbeat from her time out with Lauren, Alice was cooking a rich, creamy chicken, mushroom and garlic pasta sauce for dinner. She would use the meal to try to make amends, and she hoped David would be in a better mood when he arrived home.

  ‘Fingers crossed the way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach, Bill,’ she said to the dog lying in his bed nearby.

  ‘Hi, how was your day?’ Alice said, half-turning from the stove with spatula in hand when she heard David’s footsteps behind her.

  There was silence. She turned back to the stove. She could hear him moving stuff around on the bench and then plugging his phone in to charge.

  ‘Dinner won’t be long. Can you set the table? And feed Bill?’

  Again she was met with silence.

  David walked around her to dish out dry food for Bill and then get placemats and cutlery out and set the table. After that he sat down, in silence.

  Alice quietly dished up their meals and joined him. She stared at David as he started eating without looking at her and without uttering a word.

  ‘David, are you seriously giving me the silent treatment? How bloody childish.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know what you want me to say,’ he said indignantly.

  ‘I don’t know, how about, “Talk to me”?’

  ‘There seems no point discussing your employment. You’ve made your decision, which I might add you chose not to discuss with me.’

  ‘Jesus. David, would you listen to yourself. I told you I couldn’t do it for another day. And before that I did discuss it. But you chose to be condescending or not hear me. Did you actually listen to me, David? I told you how I was feeling.’

  ‘Come on, Alice, it was four weeks. It can’t have been that bad. You were practically complaining from day one.’

  ‘I was discussing how I was feeling from day one, David. I was trying to work through it – make it work. Seriously, do you ever listen to me?’

  ‘Of course I listen to you. But, Alice, you didn’t give the job or Carmel a chance.’

  ‘You weren’t there.’ Tears filled her eyes. ‘It would be nice if you cared enough to offer a little sympathy. You don’t have to agree, but as my partner, you should at least care when I’m upset or hurting.’

  ‘Of course I care, Alice. Don’t be melodramatic. But let’s get real here. You didn’t really
want the job. You don’t want any job. You’d rather stay bludging at university. But you need to join the real world again. You’ve had your time to slack off and find yourself. I’ve carried you for long enough.’

  I was genuinely excited about the job and the possibility of a career in real estate. Remember? But what was the point? David had clearly made up his mind about how he wanted to remember things.

  ‘Not everything is about big money, David. I’ve always earned something. And what about all the emotional support I provide? All the housework and other stuff I do to keep things going while you do all your travelling, putting the almighty company first?’

  ‘What do you think pays for this roof over your head – and the apartment before this? You can’t live on air and dreams alone, Alice. Or emotional support,’ he added with a sneer.

  Alice was so flabbergasted and angry her tears stopped. Who are you? she thought. But of course she knew. She’d known all along. She’d just chosen to ignore that side of him and choose the path forward that looked so different from where she’d come from.

  ‘What’s really sad is that you’d have me stay in a job where I’m miserable,’ Alice said sadly.

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t. Stop being ridiculous, Alice. I just think you need to be a bit realistic. Full-time employment isn’t like being at university. It can be hard, not always enjoyable, and can take some getting used to.’

  ‘Don’t talk to me as if I’m a child, David. I have been employed full-time before, you know!’

  ‘Well, your behaviour last night in announcing you’d quit was pretty immature from where I was sitting.’

  ‘Yes, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to …’ But David wasn’t listening.

  ‘Intentionally trying to make me look bad – like I’m out of touch with what’s going on in my own relationship – in front of my colleagues. Let’s talk about who doesn’t care. You don’t seem to care about how much embarrassment you caused me.’

  ‘Jesus, David, not everything is about you. And if you listened to me, really listened, then maybe I wouldn’t have had to shock you into feeling something.’