A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  At that moment Alice’s mobile phone began to ring. ‘Oh,’ she said, picking it up and seeing Mum – mobile on the screen. ‘That’s odd, why is she ringing me when I should be at work?’ she said. ‘Hi, Mum, what’s up?’

  ‘I thought you weren’t meant to answer your phone to personal calls at work. I was going to leave a voicemail message.’ Alice cringed. She was being far too sensitive, but everything her mother said sounded like a rebuke.

  ‘Well, I don’t have long. What’s up?’ she repeated.

  ‘I just thought you should know Ruth Stanley died. A sudden heart attack, apparently.’

  ‘Oh no.’ Alice’s heart clenched painfully. Her chin wobbled and tears began to stream down her face. ‘When’s the funeral?’

  ‘Tuesday.’

  ‘What time?’

  ‘Two o’clock. But you won’t be able to make it if you’re working. Surely not.’

  ‘I can see if they’ll give me time off,’ Alice said, cursing the utterance of yet another lie – and in front of Lauren.

  ‘Oh. I’d have thought you wouldn’t have been there long enough.’

  ‘Well, it is a funeral.’

  ‘Yes, but Ruth wasn’t family, was she?’

  Maybe not to you. Suddenly Alice was desperate to get off the phone and give in to the sobbing that was lodged tight in her throat.

  ‘Look, Mum, I need to go. I’ll talk to you later.’

  ‘Well, let me know if you decide to come and need picking up from the plane.’

  ‘Okay. Thanks for ringing and letting me know.’

  Alice hung up and sat staring at the phone in her hand. Oh my god, Ruth. No.

  ‘What? What’s happened?’ Lauren asked.

  Alice looked at Lauren, her brow furrowed and her bottom lip quivering.

  ‘God, Alice, what’s happened? You’re scaring me.’

  ‘One of my really special friends back at home had a heart attack. She died.’

  ‘Oh no. I’m so sorry,’ Lauren said, holding out her arms.

  ‘Oh god,’ Alice said, crumpling into Lauren’s embrace.

  ‘She was there for me when my marriage ended when my family wasn’t. You know, I probably would never have had the courage to leave Hope Springs if it hadn’t been for Ruth. I feel so bad that I haven’t kept in touch more these past couple of years, especially in recent months.’

  ‘Well, it’s hard, with distance.’

  ‘I meant to call her the other day.’

  ‘Was she a friend from school? That’s young to have a heart attack.’

  ‘Oh no. No, Ruth and her family were close friends with my parents for as long as I can remember. She was like a second mother to me. Where Mum was always cold and unemotional, Ruth was warm and loving. She was always there for me. God, Lauren, I can’t believe she’s gone.’

  ‘Was your mother upset? From what I was listening to, she didn’t seem it.’

  ‘No, Dawn doesn’t do emotion. Ever.’

  ‘It’s good that she rang to tell you.’

  ‘That’ll be so I didn’t hear from anyone else first. And also as a So there, a punishment.’ Alice coloured. The words were out without her thinking. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You must think I’m awful.’

  ‘Not at all. I am so lucky to have great parents I adore and who adore me, but I know it’s not the same for everyone. And Brett certainly opened my eyes the other week,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Brett’s really opened my eyes too …’

  Once Alice had taken on board what Brett had said about Carmel, she’d dug deeper, going from website to website. Part of her was hoping to prove him wrong while another part was intrigued. She felt like jigsaw puzzle pieces in her life were finally falling into place. The internet was full of the subject. She wished she’d been surprised or horrified to discover she might have been born to a narcissist, but thought deep down she’d probably always known. She’d just never had the name for it. She’d always known that in her mother’s eyes, her sister Olivia was the golden child, but it seemed Alice might be what was called a scapegoat within the narcissistic family dynamic. Coming to this realisation made so much about her and her upbringing make sense. It was both comforting and disconcerting.

  She still didn’t want to believe it, especially how damaged she might be. She didn’t want to believe that she’d been as good as programmed to choose the wrong men thanks to her mother. But look what had happened with Rick. David was so different and their relationship was nothing like what she and Rick had had. Was it? She mentally shook her thoughts aside.

  ‘What he said about his family rings so true for me, too, the more I think about it,’ Alice said. ‘I’ve also been doing a heap of digging online and stumbled on this great site about the daughters of narcissistic mothers. I didn’t want it to be true. I just thought Mum didn’t like me, not that she might actually have some sort of disorder. I’ve never felt that I could do anything right in her eyes, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. She’s always been a bully, but of course no one else ever saw it. She was like Carmel – bullying and competitive.’ Alice shuddered at the memory of her time with Carmel and how similar her own mother was in personality to the horrible woman. ‘Anyway, Mum always had a problem with my friendship with Ruth. You reckon David’s insecure,’ Alice said. ‘He’s got nothing on my mother. For years Ruth and I had to pretend we didn’t speak to each other quite so often because Mum would get all miffed about it.’

  ‘I’m sure Ruth would have understood if you were so close for years and she knew your mum well. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Are you going to go to the funeral?’

  ‘Yes. I really want to be there. But, god, I’m not very good at spontaneity. It’s only on Tuesday.’ Alice’s head began to spin with trying to start making plans. ‘Do you mind if I call David?’

  ‘Of course not. Actually, I’ll go so you can focus on the arrangements,’ she said, picking up her bag and the plastic container.

  ‘No, don’t, he probably won’t even answer. Actually, I’ll email him.’ Alice quickly tapped out her message.

  Hi David,

  Mum just rang to say Ruth Stanley died this morning. You remember Ruth, it was Ruth and Thomas’s house where we had Mum’s birthday last year. Anyway, the funeral is in Hope Springs at 2 pm on Tuesday and I really want to be there. Can I please book flights using FF points?

  Thanks, Alice. Xx

  Alice cringed a little at the bluntness and presumptuousness of her message. But, maybe Lauren was right and she had been letting David have too much power. And she really did want to be there to say goodbye to Ruth, as hard and as horrible as it will be.

  ‘David will go with you, won’t he?’

  ‘I wish. No. He won’t want to be away from work.’

  ‘Oh. Wow.’

  ‘I’m used to it. It doesn’t mean I like it, but I’m used to it.’

  ‘But what about giving you some emotional support? Funerals are horrible. I couldn’t imagine going all that way to a funeral on my own. But at least, I guess you’ll be with your family. Though, if your mum’s … Hey, do you want me to go with you?’

  ‘I couldn’t ask you to do that.’

  ‘You’re not. I’m offering. I’m your friend, I want to help.’

  ‘It’s really kind of you, but I couldn’t expect you to stump up for flights and David would have a fit if I asked him to use more frequent flyer points. Not that I think he’s allowed to use them for anyone other than immediate family. Thanks, but I’ll be fine.’

  ‘If you’re sure …’

  ‘I’ll have to be.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll go now and let you sort this out. Call if you need me. I’ll speak to you soon.’

  ‘I’m so sorry I’m being such a bad friend, Lauren, and making everything about me all the time.’

  ‘Alice, you’ve got a lot going on and nothing to apologise for. Let me know once you’ve made your plans. I’ll call you later when you’ve had a chance to g
et your head around it.’

  *

  ‘Did you get my email?’ Alice asked David that evening as he came into the kitchen where she was putting the finishing touches on a warm chicken salad for dinner. She was feeling antsy about the tickets and sad about Ruth and struggling to hold back the tears, which had finally eased after flowing on and off all afternoon.

  ‘Yep. Here you go,’ he said, extracting a printout of the tickets from his briefcase and laying it on the table.

  ‘You could have at least replied and told me. Discussed it with me. I almost booked them on my credit card.’

  ‘Sorry, I just thought it best to get them booked. And discussed what? You told me when you needed to be there and I’ve booked the flights, Alice. Here they are,’ he said, pointing at the A4 page.

  ‘Thanks. I really appreciate it.’ But oh how I wish you weren’t quite so unfeeling. I’m really hurting here, she thought, her eyes full again. ‘Did you allow plenty of time for me to get to and from Port Lincoln?’

  ‘Of course I did. I’m not stupid, Alice. And it’s not my fault you’re from beyond the back of Woop Woop where there are no direct flights.’

  Alice put the plates on the table and picked up the printed page.

  ‘Are you coming with me?’ she asked quietly. After Lauren had planted the idea in her head, she’d started to hope he’d surprise her.

  ‘No. Why would I be going? I can’t leave the project now.’ He stared at her, frowning, a truly mystified look plastered across his face.

  Alice looked away.

  ‘Anyway, someone has to look after Bill.’

  Alice nodded as she wiped her damp nose and eyes.

  ‘You’re a big girl. You’ll be fine. Your mother will be going, won’t she? You don’t need me there as the fifth wheel. I’d just be in the way.’

  It’s not a date, David.

  Alice nodded again. She was too scared to speak – the lump stuck in her throat was threatening to explode and cause her to cry uncontrollably.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ David said.

  ‘I’ve just lost one of my oldest friends in the entire world and you don’t seem to even care.’

  ‘Of course I care. I’ve booked you flights, haven’t I? They’ve cost me a heap of frequent flyer points. It’s lucky I’m on silver.’

  ‘It’s not something I want to do on my own.’

  ‘You won’t be on your own. I’m sure you’ll know practically everyone there. Don’t you South Australians only ever have one degree of separation?’ he said with a chuckle as he picked up his knife.

  ‘That wasn’t what I meant,’ Alice said quietly, picking up her own cutlery.

  ‘I don’t know why you’d even think there’s a chance I’d be able to go. You know how busy I am at work. And you wanted a dog, remember? Someone has to stay and look after him.’

  ‘There are kennels and people who can come in and walk him.’

  ‘Alice, I’m not going and that’s that. She was your friend. I barely knew her. Maybe it will be good for you to get away on your own and think about things.’ The words and get your act together seemed to hang unspoken between them.

  While they hadn’t been spoken aloud, Alice thought David was sounding just like her mother who had often said things like Go off and brighten your ideas up and I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t stop that snivelling. But he hadn’t said any of those things, had he? She was being overly sensitive – something else her mother had told her a million times growing up. But where was her hug? Why hadn’t he come in, wrapped his arms around her and said something like, Darling, you must be devastated. I’m so sorry for your loss, so sorry you have to go through all this on top of everything else. What can I do to make you feel better? Alice sighed.

  It’s been nearly four years. As if he’s going to magically change and suddenly become a romantic, touchy-feely, sensitive guy, Alice. You knew what he was when you met. And he was everything you wanted, remember?

  She took a deep breath in an effort to steady herself and swallow back the tears. Maybe getting away and the distraction of travelling and being alone for a couple of days would be good for her. If only she wasn’t staying with her mother …

  ‘Alice, I don’t know what else you want from me. I’m sorry you’re sad, but …’

  ‘It’s okay, David. I know. I get it. Thanks very much for the flights. I’m just sad. I’m going to miss Ruth.’

  ‘But you hardly ever spoke to her. When did you last call her? How can you miss someone you …’

  Maybe if David had lost someone close to him he’d understand how she was feeling – like her soul was being slowly torn out in one long piece, her entire insides being seared as it went. Alice really did feel as if she’d lost a chunk of herself from deep within. She hadn’t spoken to Ruth in about six weeks – and she felt terribly sad and guilty about that – but she already felt a gaping hole within her life where Ruth had been. She realised she felt as if she’d actually just lost her mother, and stifled a gasp. Ruth had taken her to buy her first bra, because Dawn had been working and didn’t think it was important to find the time to go with her. And Ruth had asked her how she felt about things – and listened to her answers. Really listened.

  It was Ruth, not Dawn, who had hugged her the night her dad had died, and at the funeral. Dawn had been too busy being stoic. It had been Ruth who’d held Alice’s hand after her marriage ended and said, ‘It will be okay. You will be okay.’ And she’d actually tried to do something constructive to help her recover when Alice’s own mother had just stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at her and as good as said the words, You are a disgrace to this family. Utterly bereft and devastated by the abandonment, Alice had tried hard to not let the memory settle within her, but it had – her mother’s look of disgust and displeasure. That was when Alice had decided she would never rely on or truly confide in her mother again. And she hadn’t. Why couldn’t Ruth have been her mum instead? How many times had she silently asked that question?

  ‘I’d better ring Mum and tell her the details of my flights before it gets too late, and check she can pick me up from Port Lincoln,’ Alice said, getting up and taking her half-empty plate to the sink.

  ‘I hope so, because I really don’t want to pay for a hire car as well.’

  And I really don’t want to drive while I’m feeling like this. But Alice kept the words to herself. The truth was, she yearned for David to go with her, stand beside her. Just be there for her. She thought about what Lauren had said about the photos and his hands on her shoulders being a sign he was controlling. Well, right now she’d give almost anything for him to provide her some support of any kind.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Alice wasn’t surprised when David said he couldn’t drive her to the airport, but she was disappointed. He still showed no sign of grasping just how hard this trip would be for her. Or he didn’t care. She tried not to dwell on that thought. He had already left for work when Alice did a quick mental inventory before wheeling her case outside. Seeing Bill lying down in the passage with the please-don’t-leave-me look he’d perfected almost made Alice fall apart completely. She was barely holding herself together as it was. For the first time she wished there hadn’t been any flights available. Thankfully she’d only be away for a night and two days. Alice reminded herself she was always anxious when she travelled. Ordinarily she was stressed, but today she was completely frazzled.

  At the airport she printed out her boarding pass and made it through security without any dramas, and relaxed. She let out a sigh of relief and paused to gather her thoughts and figure out if the Qantas Club lounge was to her left or right. She couldn’t remember; in the past she’d always just followed David.

  Uh-oh. Without him I don’t have access. Damn. She’d been counting on sitting in a quiet place to settle her nerves.

  Alice checked her gate number and its whereabouts before browsing the books in the newsagency. When she couldn’t settl
e on a title, she moved on to the coffee stand and bought a latte. She had plenty of time for aimless wandering. In her current state she’d never settle enough to read anyway. She’d been like this practically since she’d started at Gold, Taylor and Murphy. When would she be normal again?

  Alice told herself that even without the Carmel experience, she’d be a nervous, distressed mess today. After all, she was heading back to the place she’d practically fled from four years ago. Added to that was the fact she would not be having a fortifying cuppa with Ruth when she got there, but had to adjust to never seeing her friend again.

  She sat down and thought of how Lauren always said she loved airports, especially wondering where the other travellers had come from, where they were going and making up stories about them in her head.

  Ten minutes later Alice had finished her coffee and was restless and bored with waiting and looking for something to do with her hands other than scrolling through Facebook on her phone. She kept going back to the websites on narcissism she’d found, too, which probably wasn’t healthy. Or maybe it was – she was learning a lot … So back to the bookstore she went, if only to kill some more time and find a prop to keep her hands busy.

  After standing in front of the shelves deliberating for longer than seemed normal, Alice picked up a novel with a pretty floral cover, figuring it must be by a good author – or at least popular – if the store was expecting to sell as many as the large pile suggested. The book felt nice in her hands when she brought it up to the counter, and when she sat down again she turned it over and over, but had no inclination to open it up and start reading. Her phone pinged with a text message from Lauren:

  How are you doing?

  Okay. Thanks. So far so good. Xx

  You’ve got this. Will be thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy. ♥

  She knew Lauren would be heading into a lecture soon so she couldn’t phone her. But suddenly Alice wanted to hear a friendly voice and be reassured she would be fine, was doing the right thing, and wouldn’t regret this. What she really wanted to do was go back home and see Bill and pretend Ruth wasn’t dead and her life, generally, wasn’t a complete mess, wasn’t unravelling around her.