A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘It’s okay. It’s okay. Slow breaths, in and out, in and out,’ Lauren said, rubbing Alice’s shoulder in a gentle circular motion.

  ‘Jesus, I feel like I’m having a heart attack or something. God, it hurts,’ Alice said, wincing against her tight and painfully pulsing chest.

  ‘It’s a panic attack. Concentrate on your breathing. And pat Bill slowly – that might help too. Focus on right here and right now.’

  Alice found Lauren’s voice hypnotic and soothing, and slowly she returned to nearly normal. The only outward sign remaining were damp patches on her t-shirt under her armpits. ‘Jesus, that was scary,’ she finally said, letting a breath out loudly.

  ‘Tell me about it,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise.’

  ‘Thank god you were here.’

  ‘So, what happened? What was in the message? No one else has died, have they?’

  ‘No, Gold, Taylor and Murphy Real Estate need me to go in and sign something before they can process my final pay.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ The words Is that all hung unspoken.

  ‘See what they do to me. You can’t say what just happened isn’t a completely irrational reaction,’ she said, lifting her hands up and dropping them in a gesture of helplessness.

  ‘We’re not having that discussion again, which is why you need to deal with it – why you are dealing with it. When do you have to go in?’

  ‘By close of business next Tuesday. I think that’s what they said. I kind of tuned out after hearing who it was. Here, can you listen?’ she said, bringing up the message again and passing the phone to Lauren.

  ‘Yep, you’re right, and the form is with the receptionist,’ she said, handing the phone back to Alice. ‘Get it over with. Don’t hold off until after the weekend.’

  ‘A part of me would rather forfeit the money.’

  ‘I won’t let you do that. And could you imagine the conniptions David would have? We’ve been through all this. You’re going to face your fear – just a little sooner than we’d anticipated. Why don’t we go in and have lunch at a café nearby – the one you did your original interview with Carmel in. Then I’ll wait while you go up and do your signing.’

  ‘Couldn’t you come up with me?’

  ‘Of course I could, but I don’t think that’ll help you to get over your hoodoo.’

  ‘You’re probably right.’

  ‘It’ll have to be tomorrow, if you’re not going to have it hanging over your head and worrying about it all weekend.’

  ‘Okay, it’s a date. I don’t have to ring them back, do I? It just said the form is there and to come in sometime, right?’

  ‘Yep. That’s how I heard it.’

  ‘God, I badly need that coffee now. I feel like I’ve been run over by one of those road rollers.’

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  As Alice made her way towards her former workplace she quivered with nerves, but concentrated on her breathing and convincing herself it was okay and that she wouldn’t see Carmel. She tried to tell herself it was only Carmel who was the devil in this situation, not the others who worked there, but the truth was, Alice didn’t want to be here doing this, full stop. No amount of telling herself it was gutless to be so anxious helped, either. She only hoped Lauren would be at the café already. Alice had briefly toyed with asking Lauren to meet her a couple of streets over and they could walk there together. But she had given herself a stern reminder that she had to face up to this if she was going to stop the anxiety over Carmel from ruining her life any further. Enough is enough!

  At the door of the café Alice spied a table tucked near the back and made a beeline towards it while casting her eyes around to see if her friend was already there. No, not yet. She picked up the menu. I’m here to enjoy a nice lunch out with a dear friend, she told herself.

  ‘Hiya, sorry I’m a wee bit late,’ Lauren said, appearing moments later.

  ‘Hey. You’re okay. I’ve only just arrived,’ Alice said.

  Lauren pulled out a chair, sat down and dumped her large handbag on a spare one beside the table, seemingly all in one fluid movement.

  ‘So, how are you doing?’ Lauren asked as she settled back into her chair and unwound her scarf.

  ‘Okay. I’m okay.’

  ‘Great. That’s the spirit. Nothing to worry about. Let’s enjoy a long, indulgent lunch. I’m dying to see the menu,’ she said, picking it up. ‘I’ve seen some excellent write-ups about this place online.’

  ‘I’m thinking carbs are definitely in order – I just need to decide between the gnocchi, pasta or risotto,’ Alice said.

  ‘Hmm. It all sounds fabulous. What about dessert, shall we be totally decadent? Have you checked what’s on offer there? That might have a bearing for me, especially as to whether I have an entree or main size.’

  ‘No, I think I’m pushing it thinking of a creamy dish as it is,’ Alice said a little ruefully.

  ‘We could always do dessert after you’ve been up to the office – it could be your reward. You can’t go wrong with tiramisu or cheesecake.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ Alice said.

  ‘So, you seem calmer.’

  ‘Like a duck on water,’ Alice said. ‘Seriously, though, I’m just keen to get that bitch and all she represents out of my mind and get over it.’

  ‘So, ladies, are we doing lunch or just coffees?’ a young waiter asked, materialising beside them, pad and pen in hand.

  ‘Definitely lunch,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Great. What can I get you?’

  ‘I’ll have the chicken and mushroom risotto,’ Lauren said.

  ‘And I’ll have the pumpkin ravioli with sage and burnt butter sauce. Yum,’ Alice said.

  ‘Main or entree size?’

  ‘An entree for me,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Same for me,’ Alice said.

  ‘Perfect. Something to drink?’

  ‘Just tap water is fine with me, thanks,’ Lauren said, looking to Alice for confirmation.

  ‘Perfectly fine with me.’

  ‘Anything else. Some bread or perhaps a salad to share?’

  ‘Oh, salad, that’s a good idea,’ Lauren said. ‘Which one?’ she said, picking up the menu again.

  ‘I think the garden or Greek would go best with what you’ve chosen,’ the young man said.

  ‘Alice?’

  ‘You choose,’ Alice said.

  ‘Greek, thank you,’ Lauren said, looking up at the waiter.

  ‘Done. Greek it is,’ he said, smiling warmly.

  ‘Maybe some coffee and cake later, but for now that’s us,’ Lauren said, shooting him a dazzling smile.

  ‘Perfect. Won’t be long,’ he said, gathering up their menus.

  ‘We’re not in any rush,’ Alice said.

  ‘Even more perfect,’ the waiter said.

  ‘God, it’s nice to have friendly, attentive service,’ Lauren said, leaning back again in her chair.

  ‘I love that about Melbourne,’ Alice said.

  ‘You know, I can forgive a not-so-tasty meal before I can forgive surly service,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Yeah, me too.’

  ‘Here we go, ladies,’ the waiter said, appearing again, this time with a bottle of water and two glasses.

  ‘Thanks so much,’ they each said as he placed a glass in front of them and poured the water.

  ‘God, I hope he didn’t hear us and think we meant he was surly,’ Lauren whispered when he’d walked off.

  ‘Oops. Yes.’

  ‘Right, to sorting stuff out, and the future,’ Lauren said, raising her glass.

  ‘Yes, here’s to Alice getting her shit together and stopping being such a great big wuss,’ Alice said, clinking her glass against Lauren’s. ‘Now, please distract me from you know what for a bit. How’s the lovely Brett?’

  ‘Dreamy – at the risk of sounding like a loved-up teenager. He’s attentive without being too gushy or clingy. Oh,
Alice, it’s just perfect.’

  ‘That’s awesome.’

  ‘It’s early days. I keep telling myself that so I won’t get too carried away. Love being blind and all,’ she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘And distracting, damn it.’

  ‘Well, they do say all experiences are good for a writer.’

  ‘Yes, fingers crossed my Great Australian Novel doesn’t decide it wants to be a romance! You know how I despise that stuff.’

  ‘Ha-ha, you’re too funny.’

  ‘I’m a literary snob, is what I am.’

  ‘You’ve always said you want your female characters to be deeper, their journeys more meaningful than just a search for Mister Right. That’s not being a snob.’

  ‘Maybe. I want my characters to know they don’t need a man and probably shouldn’t want one too badly.’

  ‘She says as she goes all glassy-eyed over Brett,’ Alice said, grinning.

  ‘God, please, change the subject. I don’t want my subconscious getting any ideas! Hey, has your mother caught up with you yet?’

  ‘Yep. Unfortunately David handed me the phone while refusing to tell me who was on the other end.’

  ‘That’s not very nice.’

  ‘No, he thinks I’m being silly when it comes to how I feel about my mother.’

  ‘But of course he only gets nice-as-pie Dawn, I suppose?’ Lauren said.

  ‘Exactly. I just wish people would be real and honest, and stop playing mind games. It’s so bloody annoying.’

  ‘Hear, hear,’ Lauren said. ‘So, how was it, what did she say?’

  ‘Fine. You know, sometimes it’s not as bad as I think it’ll be.’

  ‘Most things rarely are when it really comes down to it.’

  ‘But there are the times – and, oh there have been plenty of them – when there’s a situation where I think she couldn’t possibly say anything to put me down or make me feel uncomfortable, but she still somehow manages to.’

  ‘Which is why you’re best to stay on your guard.’

  ‘Hmm. But it’s exhausting.’

  ‘What did she say about the job?’

  ‘“Oh, Alice, that is disappointing,”’ Alice said, mimicking her mother, which Olivia had said, during one of their friendlier conversations, she was a whiz at. ‘It’s the disapproval in the tone. It can be barely distinguishable to the uninitiated, but to me it’s as subtle as a blunt knife slicing right through me.’

  ‘What did you say to that?’

  ‘I said, and I quote, “Oh well, Mum, shit happens, it’s not the end of the world.”‘

  ‘Ha-ha, did you really?’

  ‘Yep. All in the name of growing a backbone. I was annoyed she got me at the wrong moment – when I wasn’t prepared. Anyway, enough about me. What other news do you bring?’

  ‘Nothing, really, just plodding on and hoping decent inspiration will strike at some point and before I buy into the thought I might be completely kidding myself about being able to write or one day making a career out of it.’

  ‘You will, I have full faith in you.’

  ‘Hey, I don’t want to alarm you, but isn’t that Carmel over there – to our left,’ Lauren said quietly as she leant across the table. ‘I recognise her from the photo on her brochures.’

  Alice took a covert glance. Instantly her heart began to pound against her ribs and her hands started to shake. She nodded, unable to speak with the sudden dryness in her mouth and throat. She looked around, feeling trapped. There was no way out but to pass right beside Carmel’s table and Carmel herself. She began to sweat.

  ‘Calm down, she can’t hurt you,’ Lauren whispered, and placed a cool hand over one of Alice’s. Alice stared at her hands and nodded. She tried to swallow and when she still couldn’t she took a large sip of water.

  ‘Breathe, Alice,’ Lauren said, ‘I’m right here. You’re not alone. Look at her. Desensitise yourself.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Make yourself. Just a quick look. You’re here to face your fear. Well, there it is.’

  ‘Not like this. It wasn’t meant to be like this,’ Alice hissed quietly.

  ‘Maybe this is even better. And the universe has clearly decided this is the way it’s meant to be. Just go with it. There is no right or wrong.’

  Alice forced herself to look at Carmel. Then she noticed that a young man with what looked like a display folder in front of him was sitting opposite her ex-boss.

  ‘Oh my god, I bet she’s doing an interview. That looks like a résumé folder,’ Alice said.

  Lauren looked. ‘Poor kid,’ she said. ‘He looks a wreck.’

  ‘Just how she likes them. Remember this day, mate, because it’s all downhill from here if you take a job working for that bitch.’

  ‘I really hope he’s a journalist, or copywriter, or something else, and not a prospective PA.’

  ‘God, I’ve got shivers just looking at them,’ Alice said, shaking her head and shoulders.

  ‘Here we are, ladies.’ The waiter placed the salad on the table and then their meals in front of them.

  ‘Thank you,’ they both said together.

  ‘Pleasure. Enjoy.’

  ‘It looks amazing,’ Alice said, while thinking she’d completely lost her appetite and wasn’t sure how she could eat anything now. But she had to, she really didn’t want to offend the waiter, or the chef, by returning a plate of untouched food. That would be insulting to all concerned. The steam wafted off the plate, bringing with it an incredible aroma. Alice’s mouth watered despite her frazzled state of mind. She picked up her fork and then tasted the ravioli.

  ‘Oh. My. God. This is incredible,’ she said. All thoughts of Carmel momentarily vanished as the nutty flavour of the delicately burnt butter swam around her tongue and lingered in her mouth. It was astonishing that something so simple as cooking with good, basic ingredients could make such an impact on the palate. Alice had never tried making sage and burnt butter before, but made a mental note to do so very soon.

  ‘Yes, this is fabulous,’ Lauren said. ‘I’m going to eat slowly to savour it.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Alice said, putting her fork down and taking a sip of water.

  ‘How is it, ladies?’ the waiter asked a few minutes later. ‘All good here?’

  ‘Great,’ Alice said.

  ‘Amazing,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Wonderful,’ he said, and put his hands together in front of him in a gesture Alice took as gratitude, and left.

  She stole another glance at Carmel, testing her fortitude. I’m okay. Calm even.

  ‘And this, kids, is why you don’t ever give up carbs,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Amen to that. I’d put money on that being a job interview,’ Alice added quietly, nodding in Carmel’s direction.

  ‘You know, someone should warn him.’

  Alice looked up quickly at Lauren, her chest suddenly in a vice-like grip.

  ‘Calm down, I wasn’t being serious, Alice. We’re here to face your fears and help you, not send you into the depths of hell. He’s a big boy. And, anyway, for all we know they might click and have a completely wonderful working relationship.’

  ‘Maybe it was just me – a clash of personalities – the wrong match,’ Alice said.

  ‘You don’t think that for a second.’

  ‘No, no I don’t. Narcissists aren’t capable of being kind, or keeping up their façade indefinitely. God, I’d love to go over there and tell him a few home truths about her,’ Alice said. ‘If only I wasn’t so gutless.’

  ‘In this instance, it’s nothing about having guts and everything about having manners.’

  ‘Anyway, she’d probably threaten libel, or defamation, or something like that.’

  ‘Would she have a case if what you said was true? We had a lecture on defamation in publishing the other year, but I can’t remember all the details,’ Lauren said. ‘Just keep enjoying your lunch and let karma take care of her.’

  ‘Why does karma never c
ome around quickly enough?’ Alice said. ‘Or never appears at all, in most cases?’

  ‘No idea. One of life’s great mysteries. But I know it exists, or perhaps that’s just my wishful thinking.’

  ‘Better to be an optimist than negative, I guess,’ Alice said.

  ‘Looks like their meeting is over,’ Lauren said.

  Alice turned to see Carmel and the young man standing up and shaking hands. Then the man left and Carmel sat back down alone. As their plates were being collected, Alice noticed Carmel standing up and walking over to the counter to pay. And in the next moment she was gone and Alice was letting out a breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding.

  ‘See, you survived,’ Lauren said. ‘And you didn’t even need to breathe into a paper bag!’ she added.

  ‘Thank god for that!’ Alice said. ‘Seriously, though, I’m actually okay. I feel all right.’

  ‘Well, I reckon now would be a good time for you to head upstairs and get this over with,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Do I have to?’ Alice said. ‘It’s a shame to ruin such a lovely lunch.’

  ‘Yes, no chickening out. Go on. It will take you all of five minutes. Then we can have dessert. And, no, I’m not going with you. You’ve got this, Alice, you really do. Now, go do it. I’ll be right here.’

  ‘Okay. Wish me luck.’

  ‘You don’t need luck.’

  Alice cursed her shaking legs as she stood up. Damn it. She was feeling calm over lunch and now the anxiety was coursing through her again. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had such a rich, heavy meal after all, she thought as she felt her lower stomach contract painfully.

  ‘Just one foot in front of the other. Slowly if you need to,’ Lauren said. ‘Focus on keeping yourself in the here and now, and slow down your breathing, so it can’t run away from you.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Alice said, as much in an effort to buoy herself as anything else.

  ‘Yes, you are. Now off you go. I want cheesecake!’

  Alice stepped into the lift. Thankfully she was alone and could work on some deep breathing to steady her nerves. Her heart was strangely slow and steady, but beating hard within her.

  ‘I’m okay,’ she said as she stretched out a tingly finger to select the twenty-fourth floor. ‘In, sign the paper at reception, and then out,’ she whispered to herself as she passed each floor with no stops.