A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘You have to believe in yourself and put your faith in the universe – it has your back. It might not seem like it at times, but it does. Always. Just don’t let yourself sink too far into self-pity for too long,’ Helen said.

  Thank Christ she didn’t say, ‘Have faith in God.’ I might have actually hit her, Alice thought.

  ‘You just need a glimmer of positivity and to then focus on that. But you need to be open to seeing that glimmer,’ Helen added.

  ‘I don’t think we should be afraid of change, or of changing, but afraid of being the same person in the same place fifty years from now,’ Brett said. ‘It’s hard when it feels like the whole world is against you, but believe me, things do end and make space for better things. You just need to try to keep an open mind. I’ve been there.’

  ‘Don’t forget, you’re also grieving, Alice,’ Lauren said. ‘You need to be kind to yourself and just be for a bit.’

  ‘Pretty bloody hard when your partner is an unemotional prick who thinks you should buck up and suck up a job you hate just for the money.’

  ‘Oh, well, I’d be getting a new one of those. That’s not on,’ Helen said. ‘You’re much better being on your own without that sort of pressure. Seriously, Alice, and I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but you need to start making decisions for yourself. The sooner you realise you can only truly rely on yourself for your wellbeing and happiness and that knights in shining armour, that doesn’t eventually tarnish, are rare, if not non-existent, the better off you’ll be.’

  ‘Yes,’ Brett said, ‘if what you say is true about your mother possibly being a narcissist and your sister being the golden child, then as the scapegoat you most likely grew up feeling unloved.’

  ‘Actually unloved,’ Helen added. ‘Narcissists are incapable of true love. And you’ve most likely felt pressured into conforming – in all sorts of areas. And I’ll bet no matter what you achieve in life you’ll never feel quite good enough. You’ll spend your life seeking your mother’s approval despite knowing you’ll never get it, and going through the hurt of her rejection and disapproval over and over. Also, there’s a high chance until you heal you’ll always choose a man who will never love you properly – because you’ve never had the chance to learn what proper love is, thanks to your cold, unemotional mother.’

  Alice looked up, unable to hide her astonished expression.

  ‘Oh, yes, I know all about having a narcissistic mother. Once you figure it out and how it’s affected you, you can start to heal and really sort yourself out. It’s about breaking free and truly becoming your own person.’

  ‘At least limit your contact and don’t tell your family anything about your life, because then they have nothing to criticise,’ Brett said.

  ‘Yes, turn conversations back to them,’ Helen said. ‘Narcissists love nothing more than talking about themselves and how good they are.’

  Alice looked at Brett then Helen and quietly said, ‘I’m tired.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. You’re constantly navigating a minefield,’ Helen said.

  ‘Oh god, tell me about it,’ Brett said. ‘And, Alice, you shouldn’t have anything to do with anyone your family is in contact with either. Just the other day my uncle told me I couldn’t cut my father completely out of my life because it was hurtful – to my father. What about all the hurt he’s caused me over my lifetime? But, as you said, Helen, I didn’t have the bruises. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me – what a crock of shit that is! And then he got affronted when I said I wanted nothing more to do with him for being one of my father’s flying monkeys. Didn’t get it. I wasn’t going to waste my breath and energy explaining that by approaching me he was clearly doing my father’s bidding – whether intentionally or because he’d been cleverly manipulated. Sorry, here I go getting on my soapbox. It’s all just so incredibly awful.’

  ‘Yes, and as I said earlier, there are a lot of narcissists and manipulators,’ Helen said.

  Lauren leant forward, about to say something when her phone rang. ‘Excuse me, I need to take this,’ she said, looking down at the name on the screen.

  ‘I need the loo,’ Alice said, getting up. And a good weep.

  She’d hoped to come out for a friendly meal and time away from her problems and the reality of the sad state of her life. And look where she was. She stood staring into the mirror. Her thoughts were spinning underneath a growing headache. Hopefully their meals would arrive soon and the mood would become lighter. But it was nice to have the support of the others and not feel so alone.

  She returned to the table just as Lauren came back and sat down.

  ‘That was Dad,’ she said to Alice. ‘Um,’ she continued. ‘I have a proposition for you – and, well, a favour, actually.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Mum and Dad have decided to stay on overseas – spend a couple of weeks looking around Asia. But if they don’t have someone in the house by Tuesday their home and contents insurance will be null and void. Dad’s a real stickler for doing the right thing and not taking risks with those sorts of things. Anyway, I really don’t want to go back to Ballarat. Would you be interested in housesitting for us for a couple of weeks? And of course Bill is more than welcome …’

  ‘My dog,’ Alice said as Helen’s mouth dropped open in slight surprise.

  ‘You wouldn’t have to move out after the two weeks are up. Dad said he and Mum would be happy for you to stay on as long as you like when they get back. There’s plenty of room in the main house and there’s a self-contained cottage, too, if you’d prefer to stay there.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Wow. Um.’

  ‘You don’t have to decide this very second,’ Lauren said. ‘And, no pressure, but you would be doing me a huge favour. I really don’t want to leave Brett,’ she said, clasping his hand on top of the table. Brett squeezed her hand back and for a few seconds they gazed adoringly into each other’s eyes, seemingly oblivious of everyone else around them.

  ‘I don’t want you to, either, but we’d cope,’ Brett said. ‘I could come and visit on weekends.’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I’d love to go to Ballarat,’ said Alice.

  ‘Would you? Really?’

  ‘Of course. You’ve been such a good friend to me, of course I’d be happy to help you out. And it’s not exactly an imposition – it’s a win for me, too.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Lauren said, smiling.

  ‘Oh, wow. No, Thank you,’ Alice said, the magnitude of what had happened starting to sink in.

  ‘I’ll come with you and help get you settled, though, so don’t worry about that.’

  ‘I don’t want to put you out – I could just catch the train, couldn’t I?’

  ‘Not really. We’re rural – a little way out of the city, so it would be a bit tricky.’

  ‘Oh, but I don’t have a car for getting groceries and stuff.’

  ‘That’s okay. Dad said you’re welcome to use one of their cars – he’s going to get you listed on the insurance.’

  ‘That’s very generous of him. Are you sure he’ll really be okay about it? I’d be very careful and only do the minimum driving.’

  ‘Alice, seriously, it’s cool. They’re cool. And, remember, you’re doing us a favour too.’

  ‘Well, I really appreciate it.’

  ‘I know you do.’

  ‘I’d say that’s just what you need, Alice – a proper break away with a complete change of scenery,’ Helen said.

  ‘Apparently “Ballarat” is an Aboriginal word for “resting place”, so it’s practically an order to take it easy, which is clearly what you need right now,’ Rhys said.

  ‘Oh, how perfect is that? See, things are looking up already, Alice,’ Helen said. ‘The universe is starting to listen and show you signs that it is.’

  ‘Wow. Thanks again so much, Lauren – and to your mum and dad.’ Alice felt a little light-headed. ‘Now, can we please stop talking about me? We need to celebrate Lauren’s
short story winning an award and her first publication,’ Alice said.

  ‘That’s fantastic, Lauren. Well done,’ Helen said.

  ‘Yes, brilliant,’ said Rhys.

  There were hugs and cheers all round, which died down when their meals were delivered.

  After lunch they all leant back in their chairs feeling satisfied. Conversation had slowed as they allowed their food to digest. During a moment of silence a ding from a phone rang out, causing them all to cock their heads as each tried to detect if it had come from their device. They’d often joked about how they were glued to their phones, and how hard it was to ignore a notification and how long they lasted trying – not very. They chuckled when there was a burst of several different tones.

  ‘Oh, go on, kids, check your phones. I know you want to,’ Helen said with a laugh. She was the only non-millennial in the group. ‘I don’t mind, honestly. It’s not like we’re engrossed in deep and meaningful conversation now. I’m just deliberating over whether I need to undo the button on my jeans or not.’

  ‘Apologies for my rudeness, but I need to keep an eye on my email. I’ll be two secs,’ Brett said, turning over his phone, which was sitting on the table.

  ‘Yeah, I need to keep an eye out, too,’ Lauren said, ‘in case Dad needs to tell me anything else.’

  Alice turned her phone over as well, and was staring at her screen where notification details of an incoming email were visible: Carmel – subject: reference …

  Her eyes were wide and her lips were frozen around a silent ‘O’.

  ‘What?’ Lauren said, nudging Alice.

  ‘Sorry?’ Alice said, jolted from her trance.

  ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

  Alice turned the phone around so Lauren could clearly see what was on the screen.

  ‘Oh! Well, come on, open it.’

  ‘What? What is it?’ Helen and Brett said in unison.

  Lauren read out the name and subject on the screen, and Rhys gave a low whistle.

  ‘I’m too scared to. What if it’s her telling me to fuck off or giving me a serve about how dare I even ask for a reference after everything, blah, blah, blah – having the last word. What if she’s actually sent me a virus or something?’

  ‘You won’t know unless you look,’ Helen said. ‘Who are we talking about, anyway? Who’s Carmel?’

  ‘The bully boss we were talking about earlier,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Oh! Right! Go on then.’

  ‘I think Carmel Gold would value her reputation far too much to be bothered with anything sinister. Well, you’d hope so,’ Lauren said. ‘Though, I understand your paranoia after everything she’s put you through. How about you just open it?’

  ‘Okay,’ Alice said. ‘Right.’ She read the email to herself quickly and then aloud. ‘“Dear Alice, Please find attached a reference, as requested. I still don’t think you deserve it, but I don’t wish to stand in the way of you getting another job thanks to a personality clash. I’m not one to hold grudges. I wish you all the best with your future employment. Regards, Carmel.” And now for the attachment.’ Alice blinked several times and read it through twice to herself before fully comprehending the words and the enormity of them.

  ‘Here we go. “To Whom It May Concern, Alice Hamilton worked for me as executive personal assistant at Gold, Taylor and Murphy Real Estate for a period of four weeks, having agreed at short notice to fill in an urgent vacancy due to illness. We remain extremely grateful to Alice for jumping into what was a demanding role in a new industry for her. She performed admirably and exceeded all our expectations here at Gold, Taylor and Murphy. Alice showed great attention to detail, exceptional organisational skills and sound initiative. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t have a full-time role to offer her at the end of her brief time here, but commend her to any future employer looking for a highly skilled, top-level administrative employee. Alice has a bright future ahead of her and we believe she will excel in whatever path or industry she chooses and be a great asset to whichever organisation she partners with. Regards, Carmel Gold (Partner) and Paul Taylor (CEO).” And they’ve both signed it.’

  ‘I thought it was a permanent role and you left abruptly,’ Brett said.

  ‘I did. “Temporary position to fill” is stretching the truth. A lot.’

  ‘But at least it solves the gap in your résumé,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Why wouldn’t you just leave it out – make it just look like you were still looking for work? What’s four weeks in the scheme of things?’ Helen said.

  ‘I know it seems like nothing, but I can’t lie, not when it could come back to seriously bite me, which I think something like this definitely could.’ Especially now I’m back to being the straight-down-the-line Alice I was before Carmel.

  ‘Okay. Fair enough, I guess,’ Helen said with a shrug and picked up her refilled glass of beer.

  ‘Did you know she was going to send you a reference?’ Rhys said.

  ‘Well, I’d hoped. I bailed her up at an auction the other day.’

  ‘You should have seen how gutsy she was,’ Lauren said. ‘She all but roared at Carmel, but remained very professional. It was awesome.’

  ‘See, something else good has happened, Alice. Your life is really starting to turn around now you’re taking control and making some changes and decisions for yourself,’ Helen said.

  ‘Who would have thought,’ Alice said. ‘She’s clearly done it under sufferance, though.’

  ‘Perhaps Paul or his PA wrote it and made her sign it,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Oh well, it doesn’t matter – it’s bankable, as they say. Though, it won’t really help since I can’t even seem to get any responses from my job applications, let alone requests for referee details.’

  ‘Don’t wait for that; send this reference with any applications,’ Helen said.

  ‘Oh, is that the right thing to do, if they don’t ask?’

  ‘Sure, why not. Unless they won’t accept attachments. And even then you should be able to insert it into the body of the email. It’s supporting evidence. It would be so rare these days to have a written reference – beyond a basic statement of employment – it would probably give you an edge.’

  ‘Just follow your instincts in all situations and you can’t go wrong, Alice,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Maybe having this will make you feel more confident about your applications and you’ll come across better, and that’ll help you get noticed,’ Helen said. ‘Seriously, it’s all about picturing and feeling the desired outcome. It’s not silly, well, to some it probably is, but I say you can’t go wrong with being positive. When you smile, others around you smile – it’s catching. It’s the same with what you want. What you put out you get back.’

  ‘God, it’s actually a huge relief to get it and I do feel more confident about applying for jobs. Admin is all I really know, so I’ll keep looking for something there. Well, I guess in Ballarat. Okay. I wonder what the work situation is there.’

  ‘No idea, but it won’t be hard to find out,’ Lauren said.

  ‘It’s been lovely, but I really need to get going,’ Helen said when they’d finished their second jug of beer. She got up and put a hand on Alice’s shoulder. ‘I believe everything happens for a reason, Alice. I wonder if the answers for your future can be found in your recent experience of having a bully for a boss and discovering the truth about your mother. It’s one thing to learn and overcome, another to use the experience for the good of others,’ she said thoughtfully.

  ‘Um. Yes. Thanks, Helen,’ Alice said, trying to take in the words amidst the flurry of everyone getting up and gathering their things ready to leave.

  ‘Yes, I’d better be off, too,’ Rhys said.

  ‘It was great to meet you, Rhys. I hope next time we see you you’ll be settled back into uni life,’ Helen said.

  ‘Yes, good luck, Rhys. It was lovely to meet you. Stay in touch,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Good to meet you. Don’t b
e a stranger,’ Brett said. They all shook hands with Rhys, except Alice who drew him into a hug.

  ‘I’m so pleased you’re going back to study. You take good care. And feel free to call or message if you need a chat,’ she said before releasing him.

  ‘You too, Alice. I’m sure everything will work out fine. Thanks so much, everyone – I really appreciate it,’ Rhys said. ‘This has been great. Just what I needed.’ And with a wave he left.

  ‘All the very best, Alice. I mean that. I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy your way,’ Helen said, giving her a tight hug.

  ‘Thanks, Helen,’ Alice said.

  ‘I’ll call or text you to finalise the details, but let’s aim to leave around nine-thirty on Monday morning,’ Lauren said when they were standing outside the pub on the footpath.

  ‘Sounds good. The sooner the better for me. God, I’m excited, but I’m terrified about telling David.’

  ‘Well, whatever you do, don’t do it by phone or email,’ Lauren said.

  ‘No, I’d never do that,’ Alice said, ‘but my heart is hammering just at the thought.’

  ‘When is he home?’

  ‘Sunday night.’

  ‘It’s good that you’re leaving the next morning and won’t have to drag it out, and have the tension and awkward silence when you’re passing each other in the hallway. What are you going to do with all your stuff – put it in storage here in Melbourne or bring it to Ballarat? There are plenty of outbuildings at the house, so you’re welcome to bring it there and save on storage costs.’

  ‘I don’t really have anything besides my clothes and a few treasured knickknacks and Bill and his stuff,’ Alice said.

  ‘Oh. Really? Your house is full of nice things.’

  ‘It’s mostly David’s taste.’ Alice tried to rack her brain for what else she might want.

  ‘Well, have a good look around and see. And you can always decide later, once your mind is clear and the emotional pain has subsided and you can think straight,’ Lauren said.

  ‘Alice, I don’t want to be negative or scare-mongering, but it would also be a good idea to print out, scan or take photos of any paperwork relating to any assets and debts and any other financial matters, just in case you ever need to negotiate,’ Brett said. ‘David might let you take the odd bit of furniture later, but I bet he wouldn’t be keen on giving you access to his superannuation statements or share records if it means suffering any financial loss – no matter how fair it is legally.’