A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘What? I …’

  ‘I know you think you’ve done a very good job of putting on a brave face, but you were decidedly sad and tired when I picked you up, or hungover. And as you didn’t demand we drive through Maccas on the way, I’m guessing you haven’t been over-indulging on the alcohol.’

  ‘You know me too well,’ Alice said with a sigh.

  ‘Right, hold that thought until we have fortifying ice-cream,’ Lauren said, getting into the car.

  As they drove away, Alice thought how lucky she was to have Lauren. Talking to her wise, level-headed friend, who always knew the right thing to say and when, seemed to make whatever her current problem was just that little bit more manageable. Though today’s was the biggest problem she’d ever discussed with her.

  After buying their ice-cream at a little café on Toorak Road, they found a parking spot alongside the Botanic Gardens and then a bench overlooking the lake. It was a magical place to sit with the sun on their backs with the ducks gliding peacefully in front of them.

  ‘Mmm,’ Lauren said, closing her eyes and sucking on her small plastic spoon. ‘Best ice-cream in the world.’

  ‘Yep. I concur,’ Alice said. ‘Did your dad mind too much missing out on the house?’ Alice knew Lauren had texted him and that she’d had a reply.

  ‘No, he’s a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, and all that,’ she said with a shrug.

  ‘Ah, so that’s where you get it?’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m more highly strung than him. I blame the streak of creativity – the passion,’ she added theatrically, and waved her spoon about.

  ‘I’m so thrilled for you about your short story. That’s huge. I can’t believe you’re so calm about it.’

  ‘Well, I guess it’s a bit anticlimactic as well. It’s like, right, okay, that’s great, but now what? I don’t know. Weird, huh?’

  ‘No idea. I’ve never won anything.’

  ‘Yes you did, you were asked to join that honour society because you got such high marks at uni, remember?’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Right, I see. It’s a fleeting feeling of accomplishment and then almost instantly back to business as usual. Is that what you’re feeling?’

  ‘I guess. Maybe it’s shock, and it’s still to hit me. Perhaps it’s relief – no, that’s not the right way to put it. But I feel like, well, bloody hell finally someone’s taking my writing seriously. Thank you very much!’

  ‘Yes, I can see that. But, really, you’ve only just started sending them out.’

  ‘I know. But it doesn’t stop me wanting more – and now! It’s like a door has opened a crack and I desperately need to see what’s on the other side. I’m so annoyed with myself for being such a wimp and not putting myself, my work, out there sooner.’

  ‘You’ve done it now and that’s brilliant.’

  ‘Well, I’m determined to make the most of this little success. Thank Christ I’ve got Mum and Dad funding me!’

  ‘It must be nice to have a family who encourages your dreams … That sounded woe-is-me. I didn’t mean to.’

  ‘I know. I wish you had a generous family too. I’m blessed. And you’re allowed to be a little envious, but just don’t hate me.’

  ‘Oh no, I’m not. I’m …’

  ‘I was kidding, Alice. Chill. Okay, so speaking of lack of support, I’m guessing something else has happened with David.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it. We’re always on about my stupid problems.’

  ‘Alice, your problems are never stupid, or trivial. And you’re not getting out of it. Unless you really don’t want to talk about it.’

  Alice didn’t reply and they silently finished their ice-creams. Runners jogged past not far behind them, their feet making rhythmic scratching sounds on the gravel path. Nearby, birds squawked in delight. Alice detected the fresh scent of pine and the earthiness of freshly laid mulch as a gust of wind swept around them while she tried to form her opening words.

  ‘I need to find somewhere for Bill and me to live. I have to leave David,’ she finally said.

  ‘Oh, Alice, I’m so sorry. Did something else happen or have you just decided?’

  ‘Both. I realised he doesn’t get me and he never will. Hell, I don’t think he gets humans, full stop. I can’t believe I’ve wasted all these years on him,’ she said, swiping at a lone tear rolling slowly down her cheek.

  ‘It’s never a waste if you learn something and use what you’ve learnt.’

  ‘But I seem to keep making the same mistakes. This is the second relationship that hasn’t worked.’

  ‘Don’t you dare say you’re a failure. A relationship takes two, and some people change while others stay the same – some grow and some stagnate,’ Lauren said. ‘Are you sure it’s not just a phase? Could it be your grief over losing Ruth and all the emotional stuff around Carmel? Don’t forget having too much time for thinking while you’re unemployed won’t be helping, either.’

  ‘You know, I think all that’s helped, actually. It’s highlighted just how different our priorities are. And, yes, I’m sure – sure I need to leave David, that is.’

  ‘Okay. Definite is good. David’s away, isn’t he? So now we need to find you and Bill somewhere to live – preferably before he gets back. Come on, let’s go and do some investigating and make some calls.’

  ‘Thanks, Lauren, you’re the best.’

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Alice had to hurry to the pub so she wasn’t late for lunch with her friends from uni. She had lost track of time at the park with Bill. She’d been ambling along, chewing over her decision and the ramifications. Of course it would be easier to stay with David, but the more she thought about her situation, the more she felt stifled. Sure, she’d be poor – hopefully not for too long – but she could pursue whatever occupation and enrol in any courses she wanted to without question. Would she go back and do honours or masters in History? She wasn’t sure. First she had to find somewhere to live and a way to pay the bills. When she started to think about how hard it all was she reminded herself that plenty of people had done this very thing and survived just fine. As she had done after she’d split up with Rick. That thought didn’t help, though. Picking herself up and dusting herself off after her marriage break-up had been hard, and she wished she didn’t have that experience to tell her what was ahead.

  The reality was, if she didn’t do this she was selling herself short. And she was young – well, young-ish. Deep down Alice knew if she didn’t leave now then she’d have this same dilemma in a few years’ time anyway. Because if she’d learnt anything from this year, it was that she couldn’t let herself be unhappy. She would not stay in a miserable situation long-term again. She had stayed so long with Rick because her mother and sister had brainwashed her to believe that a failed marriage equalled failure as a person, and that it would be a disgrace to the family. The jibes, pursed lips and spoken and unspoken criticism and put-downs had only just been bearable when she compared them with the alterative of staying with Rick for the next fifty years – or taking an even more drastic way out, as her father had done. At least this time she wouldn’t be around the gossipmongers or her family.

  Brett had been right when he’d said the notion that family is everything could be so wrong. Alice was now seeing how her life had been influenced by her family and their insecurities. Thank goodness she’d left Hope Springs when she had. Imagine where she’d be if she’d stayed … She shuddered at the thought. Although perhaps ignorance really was bliss. Olivia didn’t seem to have a clue about what she’d become and what she was surrounded by – she lived life blissfully unaware.

  Perhaps that’s my problem, Alice thought as she pushed open the pub door. I’ve seen too much out beyond Hope Springs. I’m just too big for my boots, as my mother would say.

  She suddenly had the thought, I wonder if Olivia hates me because she’s her mother’s puppet or because I escaped. Too heavy for today, she decided and took a
deep breath.

  Alice stopped short at seeing Helen sitting at their table in the corner with Rhys. Oh god. Not her. Alice’s heart sank. She really wasn’t up to dealing with Helen’s holier-than-thou smugness or blunt comments, or hearing about her perfect life today. Nonetheless, she waved and smiled.

  ‘Hello,’ she called and sat down next to Rhys. ‘Hi, Rhys, you’ve obviously met Helen. I’m so glad you could come,’ she said. ‘I’m really sorry, I was hoping to be a bit earlier so you wouldn’t be here alone.’

  ‘It’s okay. I haven’t been here long. And the barman pointed me to the right table.’

  ‘I think I arrived only a minute or two later,’ Helen said. ‘We’ve been here just long enough for about three sips of beer,’ she said cheerfully. ‘We decided on a jug and I have enough glasses for everyone. Can I pour you one?’

  ‘Yes, please, that would be lovely,’ Alice said, accepting the beer and taking a long sip. ‘Thanks, Helen, just what I needed.’

  ‘Thanks very much for including me, Alice,’ Rhys said.

  ‘Ah, no worries – the more the merrier. How are you?’

  ‘I’m getting serious about going back to uni. I went and saw the admissions people the other day.’

  ‘That’s great. Well done.’

  ‘How about you, Alice? Any news?’ Rhys asked.

  ‘Hang on. Hold that thought,’ Alice said as Brett and Lauren arrived hand in hand. They really do make a lovely couple, she thought, smiling warmly at them. Before she realised what she was doing, she’d leapt up and was hugging them both.

  ‘Helen’s here,’ she whispered into Lauren’s ear.

  ‘Yes, I can see that. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. Safety in numbers,’ Lauren whispered back, before releasing Alice from their friendly embrace.

  ‘How’s your house hunting going, Alice?’ Lauren asked after Rhys had been introduced to her and Brett and they’d all sat down. ‘Any news?’

  ‘Nope. And you’ll be the first to know.’

  ‘Didn’t you just buy a house?’ Helen asked. ‘Or did that fall through?’

  ‘Yes, we did. But I’m moving – on my own. I’m leaving David.’ She tried to keep the defensiveness in check. ‘So, if you know of any rooms going cheap – and any well-paid admin jobs, too, for that matter – let me know.’

  ‘Oh dear, you sound like you’re going through a rough time,’ Helen said.

  ‘You could say that.’

  ‘I’ve put a notice up on each of the boards at our faculty,’ Brett said, jumping in.

  ‘Thanks, Brett. Though the idea of a share house gives me the shivers.’

  ‘Yes, I would have thought you’d be a little past that,’ Helen said.

  ‘Not all share houses are parties every night and lounge rooms full of overflowing ashtrays and empties rolling around,’ Rhys said. ‘Mine happens to be tidy and clean. We are also a very well-mannered bunch.’

  ‘Is there room for one more?’ Alice enquired.

  ‘Sorry, I’m afraid not, but I’ll ask around. What did you decide about the career change we discussed?’

  ‘Ooh, what’s this?’ Helen said.

  ‘Rhys thought I’d make a good counsellor or psychologist, but I’m not sure I want to start over with a new degree, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to listen to people’s problems day in day out.’

  ‘Pity. I think you’d be great. You’re very kind and level-headed,’ Helen said before putting her glass to her lips again.

  ‘Oh. Thanks, Helen.’

  ‘But I do agree it could become exasperating and draining. I don’t think you’re really free to give your actual opinion a lot of the time,’ Helen said. ‘You’re meant to simply guide people into figuring things out for themselves, which could take aeons, and if you’re like me you’d lose patience and want to jump in and help.’

  ‘Yep, I’d be exactly like that,’ Alice said, feeling a warmth towards Helen that she hadn’t experienced before.

  ‘How about physiotherapy? That’s a helpful occupation,’ Brett said.

  ‘I think you have to be a certain type of person to push people through the pain barrier, especially when doing serious rehabilitation,’ Rhys said with a shrug. ‘It could be a really hard job until you had a few years’ experience.’

  ‘What about History? I thought you loved it when you studied History at uni,’ Helen said.

  ‘I think I was kidding myself. There aren’t any related jobs that I can get into at my level.’

  ‘What else interests you?’ she asked. ‘What did you think about doing when you were a child or a teenager?’

  ‘I had my heart set on running the family business – it’s a corner shop, a small supermarket really – with Dad. But after he died my mother decided to hand it over to my younger sister, so … It was all I’d ever thought about and wanted.’

  ‘That must have felt like an awful betrayal,’ Helen said.

  ‘Yes, and it didn’t help that my mother never actually encouraged me to do anything else beyond getting married and having kids, well, not that I recall, anyway.’

  ‘Wow, I thought you young things had escaped such antiquated notions. It’s sad that it hasn’t really changed,’ Helen said.

  ‘Well, it probably has elsewhere, but the small country town I’m from is a bit behind the times.’

  ‘Society is behind the times when it comes to women’s rights and equality. But don’t get me started,’ Helen said.

  ‘Did you all know what you wanted to do early on?’ Alice asked. ‘I know Lauren’s always wanted to be a writer.’

  ‘Yup, since I was about seven,’ Lauren said. ‘Though I’m beginning to think being clear about what you want isn’t much of a help either. It doesn’t always mean you’ll get there.’

  ‘I knew I wanted to nut things out from the age of about twelve, and engineering seemed to be the logical path,’ Brett said. ‘But my parents didn’t really encourage me to do anything, either. I was just lucky I had the right teachers – people who were passionate and committed. That’s the curse of being the child of a narcissistic parent. They sabotage you or ignore you in case you show them up – well, that’s my interpretation from what I’ve read, anyway.’

  ‘Hmm. Helen, what about you?’

  ‘I always wanted to be a teacher. And I did teach. Briefly.’ Alice looked at her with surprise. She’d assumed Helen had always been a professional student. ‘I loved it, but couldn’t stand the politics and not being able to properly discipline the kids. The parents seemed to think we were there to teach their darlings manners, actually do the job of raising them. Not my responsibility. Fortunately I have a wonderfully supportive husband who has done well and we can afford for me to do as I wish. Don’t worry, I know how blessed I am.’

  ‘Rhys is thinking about going back to architecture after a break, aren’t you?’ Alice said.

  ‘Yes, after a bit of a wobble. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was ten, but life sort of got in the way for a while.’

  ‘Good for you,’ Helen said.

  ‘Why can’t I figure out what to do now?’ Alice said, her frustration bubbling to the surface. ‘It’s driving me nuts.’

  ‘It sounds to me as if you’re trying too hard to figure it out – overthinking it,’ Helen said.

  ‘But how else do I find it?’

  ‘Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all. I know it can be hard to sit back and wait, but often the best ideas come when we least expect them, and when we’re at our calmest and our brains are still,’ Brett said. ‘Like in the shower, walking, or sitting on the train staring out the window. Right, Lauren?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Hang on, why all this talk about finding a new career? Didn’t you just start a job in real estate? What happened to that?’ Helen said.

  ‘It didn’t work out.’ Oh god. Please don’t make me go through it all again.

  ‘Ah, well that explains why you can be here on a Friday again.
I just realised what day it is.’

  ‘Alice was subjected to workplace bullying,’ Lauren explained.

  ‘Yes, by a narcissistic psychopath, by the sounds of it,’ Brett added.

  ‘Really? Wow, I didn’t think tall, beautiful creatures like you got picked on – I thought that was left for short, dumpy, plain Janes like me.’

  ‘Um, well, I …’ Alice stammered, blushing.

  ‘Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s just a bit surprising. All the pretty girls – the cool group – were the ones doing the bullying when I was at school. Just thinking about high school gives me the horrors. For it to happen to you in a workplace … No wonder you’re feeling out of sorts. Bullies might not leave bruises for the world to see your pain, but they certainly can mess with your mind,’ Helen said.

  ‘Yup. That’s right. I’m pretty much a mess all round,’ Alice said. She tried to be light, but was shocked to find tears suddenly springing from her eyes. She gulped them back and wiped her face with her paper serviette from the table. ‘Sorry, I’m fine, well, other than my life being a disaster, obviously,’ she said with a weak smile.

  ‘It sounds to me as if you need a holiday, a break away, so you can get yourself back to feeling positive and excited about the future,’ Helen said. ‘That’s the only way you’ll attract good things into your life. It’s about the law of attraction.’

  ‘The what?’ Alice asked.

  ‘Look it up – the law of attraction. I swear by it. Also, feng shui. Even if you don’t believe positioning things in certain places can make any real difference to your life, I don’t think you can go wrong with being tidy and clutter-free – tidy life, tidy mind and all that. Here,’ she said, writing some notes on a beer coaster and handing it to Alice.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Things will turn around, you’ll see. But you have to do your best to give them the opportunity.’

  ‘God, do you know how frustrating it is to keep hearing that!’ Alice said, her emotions boiling over again. ‘Sorry, but at the moment it really doesn’t feel like anything is all right or ever will be again.’