A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘That has nothing to do with it.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, making an elaborate show of carefully placing his cutlery down on his plate and then folding his arms across his chest. ‘Tell me what I’ve done that makes me so bad.’

  ‘Our values are different. We clearly don’t want the same things,’ she said.

  ‘Alice, you can’t have everything – money without hard work. Unless you win the lottery of course …’

  ‘It’s not about that.’ Well, it kind of is, but … ‘You don’t believe in marriage.’

  ‘You’re leaving me because I won’t marry you, is that it?’

  Alice gave him a look she hoped was withering.

  ‘We’ll get married, then. I didn’t realise it meant so much to you,’ he said, lifting his hands up and dropping them onto the table in a gesture of surrender. ‘Haven’t we been through this? What else?’ he demanded.

  Alice was seriously rattled. She felt unnerved by his calm but forceful words. But she had to say her piece. Plough on. ‘You want to send our kids to childcare. As babies!’

  ‘So? It’s a good idea.’

  ‘Well, that’s where we differ. It’s a clear difference in fundamental values, David. And the fact you’re all It’s my way or the highway and not up for discussion tells me a lot, too.’

  ‘Okay, fine, so you’re leaving. Where do you think you’re going to go, how do you think you’re going to survive?’

  Alice’s anger was now dangerously close to the surface and threatening to spill over. Again she counted to five before speaking. ‘I’m going to Ballarat with Lauren. She’s picking me up tomorrow morning.’

  Alice almost smiled with triumph at seeing the shock and unease on David’s face, his sneer of you-can’t-survive-without-me confidence slip away. He was so taken aback he even let out an ‘Oh.’ He’d clearly thought she was throwing another spur of the moment hissy fit.

  ‘Yes, you might think you’re god’s gift and tick every box, David, and maybe for someone else you will. But I can’t live with how unemotional and unsupportive you are.’ Alice cursed that her choice of words essentially played right into his hands. She sighed at knowing exactly what was coming next.

  ‘Unsupportive? You’re kidding, right? Who’s just spent three years having you lolling about the house as a student and only working part-time? Exactly who’s been paying most of the bills?’

  I meant emotionally unsupportive. ‘I’ve paid my fair share, David. And you just don’t get it,’ she said. ‘Not everything is about money!’ She could feel the blood burning behind her eyes as if fuelling her anger.

  ‘Don’t raise your voice to me.’

  ‘I’ll fucking well speak how I want. You don’t control me anymore, David,’ she said, and stood up.

  ‘Control you? Oh dear, you really are deluded, Alice. Look, I know you’ve been through some stuff this year and maybe I have been working hard and haven’t been quite as sensitive as you’d have hoped, but, come on, don’t throw away four years.’ He raised his hands, motioning for her to sit down. ‘Take some time out, sure, if that’s what you need.’

  ‘You’re still not hearing me, David. You never listen to me!’ she said. She was holding on so tightly to the back of the chair her knuckles were white and painful. ‘I’m leaving you. I’m not taking some time out. I’m not coming back. Ever. It’s over.’ She noticed out of the corner of her eye Bill snuggle deeper in his basket, and she felt terrible. Her raised voice must be terrifying to the dog – for all she knew he’d come out of an environment where there was domestic violence. She swallowed and forcibly regained her composure.

  ‘Oh, Alice, don’t be so melodramatic.’

  ‘David, you can patronise me all you want, call me every name under the sun, put me down as simply being a hysterical woman, whatever makes you feel better, but the truth is, this relationship isn’t working and I’m not doing it anymore. I can’t be any plainer than that,’ she said, picking her plate up from the table and taking it to the sink where she resisted the urge to smash it on the floor.

  ‘Great, so I’ve just wasted four years of my life on you, on us? I thought we were the real deal, that we’d have kids together, be together forever.’

  Well, we might have if you weren’t such a self-centred arsehole. ‘You want someone who won’t question you, David. Who will idolise and adore you while getting little emotionally in return,’ she said, turning back from the sink. ‘Well, that’s not me. I’m done. You’ll have to find someone else to tick that particular box on your list of accomplishments going forward, or your five-year plan, or whatever it is. Because, seriously, David, that’s how being with you feels – that I’m just an accessory, an accomplishment.’

  ‘And if you were, don’t you think I’d have chosen someone who’d actually accomplished something?’

  ‘Wow. Really, David, you’re going to stoop that low? Well, here’s your chance to have someone who better fits your needs in that department.’

  ‘I didn’t mean …’

  ‘I think you did. And it doesn’t matter, David, all it tells me is that I’ve made the right decision. You’re a pathetic excuse for a man and I’m actually disgusted in you right now. I never quite realised how shallow you are, but wow! There it is. I’m going to bed,’ she said, wiping her hands on the tea towel. ‘I’ll sleep in the spare room. Come on, Bill.’

  ‘Just where do you think you’ll find somewhere to rent with a dog? And with no job?’

  ‘Well, that’s not something you need to bother yourself with, David. And I’ve already told you, if you were listening.’

  ‘Do I get a say about the dog?’

  ‘Surely you don’t want him when you’re barely ever here? Hell, come on, don’t be stupid. You’re a lot of things, but I’m hoping you’re not that too.’ Alice cursed her manners and almost apologised for her putdown. But she was suddenly feeling ferociously protective of Bill. David got up and picked up his own plate, just like after any meal.

  ‘Do what you want,’ he said with a weary sigh. ‘I’m just really disappointed you couldn’t at least keep your word and wait until the project was finished, as we agreed.’

  Alice was shocked to realise she had to stop herself from rushing back to the table and picking up a wine glass and throwing it at him. Her fingers itched. He still doesn’t get it. Oh my god! She picked up Bill’s bed and started walking towards the hall, the dog by her side.

  ‘You go. But don’t think I’ll be taking you back when you realise it’s tough out there going it alone, Alice.’

  She stopped and turned to look at him. ‘I’ve done it before, David,’ she said, and instantly regretted engaging again.

  ‘Yes, perhaps you should be wondering what’s wrong with you that you can’t keep a man – or a job – instead of blaming everything on me.’

  Alice continued walking, the gathering tears and the truth behind his words stinging painfully.

  *

  She was curled up in the bed in the spare room, which was comfortable enough but felt foreign to her. She was wide awake and tuned in to every sound in the house. Would David come knocking? She heard the door from the hall into the garage open and then the main lift-up door grind into action. She held her breath, listening. Was he leaving – taking the car out? No, she heard the large door humming closed again and no engine starting. He must have taken his bike out. God, she hoped he’d be careful in the dark. At least there might be less traffic at that time of night. She relaxed a little knowing he was gone and wouldn’t be disturbing her. But what a mess, she thought, stretching out and putting her hands behind her head. Bill hopped up beside her and snuggled into her armpit, making Alice smile.

  ‘We’ll be okay as long as we have each other, huh, Billy boy?’ she said, and reached over to ruffle his ears and then leant over further and kissed him on the head.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Alice didn’t think she’d ever get to sleep, but she must have because she didn’
t hear David return. She thought she remembered Bill stirring at some point and sitting up to attention. He must have woken when David came back into the house.

  The light was only just peeping around the edges of the shutters when Bill scratched at the quilt in order to gain her attention.

  ‘Time to get up, huh?’ she said, rubbing her gritty eyes and resisting the urge to roll over. Bill whined. ‘Okay, okay, you win,’ she said, throwing back the covers and climbing out of bed. Her whole being ached and she felt as heavy as a lead block. It took her an age to drag on her clothes. Sitting on the edge of the bed pulling on her socks, Alice considered how she was feeling. Okay. Just. There was a dull pain lodged deep within her where the ache of grief resided, even more painful now than when she’d learnt of Ruth’s passing. It was strange, but in one way she didn’t mind the pain. It was a reminder that at least she felt something and wasn’t cold and calculating like her mother. Even David, with all his faults, wasn’t as bad as Dawn in that department, she admitted to herself. Discovering differences between herself and her mother always came as a great relief to Alice.

  While working out how she was feeling, Alice realised she didn’t have a fear of being alone. When she’d split from Rick, well, rather, after he had forced her from the farm, she had felt scared to be on her own, but this time it was different. She didn’t think it had anything to do with Lauren taking her under her wing. Rather, she was not afraid because she was taking a stand and choosing to be happy.

  Alice began to feel quite excited, just as she had leading up to moving to Melbourne with David and then starting university.

  I’m good at change, she told herself.

  ‘Who’s a good boy?’ she said as Bill hopped up beside her. ‘You are. We’re going on a little adventure with Auntie Lauren,’ she said, and buried her face in his neck just behind his silky ears. He smelt a little of freshly cut grass, a smell Alice loved because it reminded her of her dad cutting the lawn every Saturday afternoon. It had been one of their special times together, keeping each other company. Her father did the mowing while Alice had sat and watched.

  She checked the time. Lauren should be here in an hour, she thought with a little jolt of nervousness mixed with excited anticipation. Just long enough to take Bill out for a short walk, shower, have breakfast and do a quick check she hadn’t forgotten anything.

  Thankfully there was no sign of David when she returned to the house. She checked the garage and relaxed when she saw his car wasn’t there.

  In the kitchen she stared at the coffee machine over her bowl of popping rice bubbles. Dare she take it with her? She looked around and thought about all the items – the best of the best – hidden behind the gloss-white cupboard doors. No, she had enough to load into Lauren’s car as it was. And, anyway, if she started going through the cupboards, where would it end? She’d want all the Le Creuset, which weighed a tonne, but it wouldn’t be right for either her or David to have certain pieces and not all of them. Each piece had been carefully selected. They’d spent a fortune, but only on what they needed. Perhaps it would be different if she were going straight into a rental. She wondered how long she’d be able to stay at the house near Ballarat. Could she really keep living there for a while when Mr and Mrs Finmore returned?

  Just take it one day at a time, she reminded herself. It was the same advice Ruth had given her when she’d left Hope Springs and had been feeling so overwhelmed.

  She watched Bill eat. She still had to pack up his bits and pieces – she’d made a list, which was in her handbag. Oh, she thought, the contact on his microchip will need updating. Where was that info? Alice found her heart starting to race. Until she reminded herself she’d actually packed the whole file she’d set up for Bill and it was in the bottom of one of the striped bags.

  Okay. What else have I forgotten? Alice was suddenly concerned she’d missed something major. She didn’t want to have to ask David anything. It wasn’t that she would avoid talking to him, but she didn’t want him to think that she needed him or wasn’t perfectly capable on her own.

  Alice rinsed her bowl, spoon and mug and placed them into the dishwasher alongside David’s breakfast things, feeling a pang as she thought that this would be the last time. God, I’m being so silly, she thought, swiping at the single tear tingling at the corner of her right eye. They’re just bowls and cutlery.

  She and David had enjoyed some good times together, of course. They had been together for four years, after all. Alice was feeling a little jittery and found herself thinking, I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I? Then a picture of her standing alone at Ruth’s funeral came into her mind. Yes, I am. There was really no point having a partner if they didn’t provide emotional support. Hell, Bill’s more emotionally supportive than David, and he can’t even speak English! she thought, looking down at the dog who was gazing up at her adoringly, his little tail swaying gently back and forth. Right. Enough.

  ‘Let’s pack your things, Billy boy.’

  As she shook the PVC bag out of its tight folds, Alice thought about how grateful she was for being methodical and organised. It was her default position and held her in good stead during these upheavals life seemed to send her. She must have inherited these traits from her father because neither her mother nor Olivia could organise themselves out of a paper bag even if their lives depended on it. Alice didn’t know how they were still in business. She couldn’t even go into the storeroom in the family shop without feeling anxious at the haphazard arrangement of stock and other goods. Speaking of which, and in the interests of dealing with things head-on, Alice sat down at the kitchen bench and took a deep breath and picked up her phone. Right, here goes.

  ‘Hi, Mum.’

  ‘Alice. What are you doing calling on a Monday? Is everything all right?’

  ‘Well, not quite.’

  ‘What now? What’s happened?’

  ‘I’ve left David.’

  ‘What do you mean you’ve left David?’

  Alice rolled her eyes and then closed them briefly. ‘Separated, Mum, left him.’ It was a huge effort to keep her tone neutral and not give in to her exasperation.

  ‘Oh, Alice, whatever did you do something so silly for? He’s a lovely young man. And so well-off.’

  ‘I wasn’t happy, Mum.’

  ‘Oh, come on, Alice, you can’t be happy all the time. Life isn’t like that. You had a roof over your head and a good man with a good job. What else can you expect?’

  ‘Honestly, Mum, I’d rather be on my own than be with someone who isn’t supportive.’

  ‘Isn’t supportive? Alice, how can you possibly say such a thing after all he’s done for you?’

  ‘Emotionally supportive, Mum, he’s not emotionally supportive,’ Alice said, her shoulders slumping.

  ‘I suppose this is all about him wanting you to get a job and stick at it after wasting three years studying. Come on, Alice. What could you possibly be expecting?’ she said. ‘Where do you think you’re going to live, anyway? You don’t have a job.’

  ‘I’m going to house sit near Ballarat for a friend.’

  ‘Oh, Alice, don’t tell me you’ve left David for another man.’

  ‘No, Mum, I haven’t. House sit, not move in with, Mum.’

  ‘What friend?’

  ‘Lauren. From uni.’

  ‘But we don’t know anything about her.’

  ‘You don’t need to, Mum. She’s my friend. And she’s good enough to be kind to me – unlike you.’ Alice cursed the leaking of her fury.

  ‘Now, there’s no need to be contrary, Alice. Just because you can’t stick at anything doesn’t mean it’s my fault. I hope you’re not going to regret this. Poor David. Whatever must he be thinking? And we were starting to plan our trip over for Christmas. Where will you be now – Ballarat? Perhaps we should …’

  ‘Mum, I have no idea. That’s months away. I really need to go now. And for the record, I wasn’t phoning for your advice or your opinion. I just wan
ted to advise you of the situation and where I’ll be. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to leave David and this is a really difficult time. So thanks very much for your understanding.’

  ‘But where will you be, exactly – what does near Ballarat mean? How will I contact you?’

  ‘You have my mobile number and there’s always email, Mum, that’s all you need.’

  ‘I’ll need an actual address, too, Alice. Just in case.’

  Alice tried to stifle her sigh. ‘Get a pen, then, Mum.’

  ‘Okay. I have a pen, Alice.’

  Alice read out the address from the note she’d written for David and placed on the kitchen bench. She really hoped Dawn wouldn’t decide to turn up unannounced.

  ‘Thank you, Alice,’ her mother said in a haughty tone when she’d finished. ‘Now what about David?’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Well, I assume he’ll be devastated.’

  ‘He’s fine, Mum, and he will continue to be fine. I have to go.’

  ‘All right. You’d better call if you need anything,’ Dawn said with all the warmth of a marble bust.

  ‘Okay. Thanks.’

  ‘And, Alice?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I hope you know what you’re doing and aren’t going to regret this.’

  ‘I’ll be fine, Mum. And, really, it’s nothing to do with you. It’s my decision.’

  Alice hung up and sat staring at the stone bench top, assessing how she felt. Annoyed, but otherwise all right. The conversation had gone perhaps a little better than she’d expected. Now she knew what made her mother tick she had the bar set low. Dawn might have reeled her in and kept her talking longer than she’d intended, but Alice had had the final word – and she’d been firm and kept her emotions largely in check. And now Alice refused to feel like a chastised child all over again, as she had so many other times when she and her mother had talked on the phone. She wished she’d managed to refrain from giving her mother the address, but at least she’d made the call and it was over and done with.