A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  Alice had lined up all her bags against the wall in the hallway and had just finished a final check of the house when she heard a car pull up out the front. She opened the door and went to greet Lauren.

  ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ Lauren asked, looking into Alice’s eyes after they’d hugged and said hello. ‘Really?’

  ‘A little frazzled. But, seriously, I really am okay. Come in. I’m all ready to go.’

  ‘Look at you all organised. I would expect nothing less.’

  ‘I hope you’ve got plenty of room,’ Alice said.

  ‘Hello, Bill, are you excited about going on a holiday?’ Lauren said, bending down to give him a pat. ‘Is this all you’ve got?’ she said when she stood back up.

  ‘Yep. Just my clothes, a few treasures I had from before, my computer, some files of paperwork – as Brett suggested – and Bill’s stuff.’

  ‘You don’t want to take anything else?’ Lauren said, making her way through the house and looking around.

  Alice followed her. ‘I just thought if I started I might never stop,’ she said with a shrug. ‘I’ve got copies of all the photos.’

  ‘Well, it’s not like you can’t ask for something later, I suppose,’ Lauren said. ‘And maybe it’s good to make a fresh start.’

  ‘Hey, do you think I need sheets, pillow and a quilt? They’re a bit bulky.’

  ‘Do you want to take them? We’re not short on room in the car.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I’d say yes if you’ve got a favourite pillow you won’t want to live without, but other than that we’ve got heaps of bedding at home. Seriously.’

  ‘I don’t want to be scabbing off your parents too much.’

  ‘If you’ll be uncomfortable, Alice, then take them.’

  ‘I think I will, actually. I’ve got one spare bag. See, I’m getting dithery and starting to question everything,’ she said with a sigh.

  ‘As long as you’re sure about leaving, then you’re fine,’ Lauren said, helping Alice strip the spare bed and then fold up the sheets.

  ‘No, that I am sure of.’

  ‘Good. I don’t want you having any regrets.’

  ‘No, there’ll be none of those. I’m determined.’

  ‘Excellent.’

  Soon Lauren’s old Volvo station wagon was loaded, Bill buckled into his harness in his bed on the back seat, and Alice was standing at the open front door to the house wondering if she’d missed anything. She was struggling with actually pulling the door shut, closing that chapter of her life completely. Then she heard Bill whining and snapped back to attention. She looked to where Lauren was leaning against the car waiting for her, and felt a strange sense of being torn.

  ‘What do you want to do about the house keys?’ Lauren said quietly, coming back up the path towards her.

  ‘I’ll deadlock the house and then put them in the letterbox. It’s locked, so they’ll be safe. I just can’t make myself pull the door shut and actually leave. And I don’t even really like this house,’ she said with a tight laugh. ‘I’m certainly not going to miss living here – well, the house, that is. The suburb is nice.’

  ‘Of course it’s hard, Alice, it’s literally locking yourself out of your old life and starting over. There’s no going back when you do. Well, perhaps there is …’

  ‘It’s just fear of the unknown, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yep. Probably. Are you sure you have everything you think you’ll need – everything?’

  ‘Yes, I think so. I don’t think that’s what’s stopping me.’

  ‘Passport, bank details, passwords, Bill’s vaccination and microchip details. Though, you could always phone the vet for that – get him scanned again to get the number. Really, all you need are your clothes, passport and bank cards.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right. I just have to do this.’

  With her heart hammering against her ribs, Alice held her breath as she pulled the front door closed.

  ‘Good on you. Come on, let’s get out of here,’ Lauren said, gently tugging at Alice’s arm. ‘Keys in the mailbox, and then we’re off to start you on a new and wonderful life as a strong and independent woman,’ Lauren said, linking arms with Alice.

  Alice pushed the keys through the slot in the letterbox and got into Lauren’s car.

  ‘I’m not sure being given a ride and somewhere to live counts as being strong and independent,’ she said as she snapped on her seatbelt.

  ‘Ah, mere details, darling,’ Lauren said as she put the car into gear, checked her mirrors and pulled slowly away from the kerb.

  Goodbye house, goodbye David, Alice thought. It was good while it lasted.

  ‘Why do all good things come to an end?’ she asked Lauren after they’d been negotiating the traffic for a few minutes.

  ‘Well, there’s no such thing as fairy-tale happy endings,’ Lauren said without missing a beat.

  ‘Do you think I’m being unappreciative, should have stuck it out?’ Alice said.

  ‘No. What is tolerable or intolerable to you might not be to me, or vice versa. I won’t judge you, Alice, I’m not your mother or your sister. Speaking of which, have you broken the news to them yet?’

  ‘I have, actually. I rang Mum earlier.’

  ‘How did it go?’

  ‘As expected. A lot of “Oh Alice” and “poor David”, et cetera,’ Alice said, giving a fine impersonation of her mother. ‘I wish you’d heard it. She really is something else.’

  ‘It’s okay, Alice, I believe you. It’s like Brett said – that one of the biggest problems for victims is being believed, because they’re the only ones who see what the narcissist is really like. Otherwise, most people get the charismatic, nice-as-pie façade. I get it.’

  ‘You know, I’m not even sure I hate Mum. I think maybe I pity her. But I do hate the fact I’ve spent so long wanting and needing her approval, or at least not her disappointment. It’s like some form of self-inflicted torture,’ Alice said.

  ‘It’s good that you’re starting to see things so objectively. That must help.’

  ‘Oh, does it ever. Once you delve into it, it’s actually a really fascinating subject.’

  ‘That’s the spirit. I’m so glad you’re feeling okay – about everything.’

  ‘Better than okay. Free. I gave her the address, and left it for David, but there shouldn’t be any need for either of them to contact me, not for a while anyway.’

  ‘Go, you.’

  Alice stayed silent while Lauren navigated the suburban streets and got into the flow of traffic.

  ‘Thank Christ you got away from her and left Hope Springs,’ Lauren said when they were on the main road.

  ‘That’s thanks to Ruth. I wouldn’t have moved to Adelaide and then met David if it weren’t for her encouragement,’ Alice said quietly.

  ‘Oh god, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel worse.’

  ‘I’m fine. Really. I just miss her. And my dad. God, I can see now how hard it must have been for him to cope with Mum, especially knowing what I’ve learnt recently. He also had the pressure of never living up to her parents’ lofty views. I don’t know why, but it always felt like they thought Dad wasn’t good enough for their family, their daughter. But they were only shopkeepers, for god’s sake – nothing special. Not that it matters what anyone does. I miss him terribly and for years I was disappointed he didn’t leave instead – and take me with him – but at last I get it. I don’t see him as a coward. He was just a man who realised he’d never win and couldn’t live with that uncertainty anymore. Some think people commit suicide to punish those left behind, but as I see it, they are simply doing what they believe is the only way to escape an intolerable situation. And there’s no way a decision like that is the easy way out. Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.’

  Alice had had to grieve in private because of her mother’s reaction to the suicide. Now she didn’t tend to think about it much at all, and didn’t talk about it, if she could help
it – not because her mother had successfully shut her down, but because she’d come to terms with it.

  ‘Oh, Alice, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘No, no. I didn’t mean to depress you.’

  ‘I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about.’

  ‘Don’t be. I’ve had quite a while to come to terms with it. And I have.’

  Alice heard a text message arrive on her phone, and she fidgeted in her seat as she tried to ignore it.

  ‘Check it; it might be important. I don’t mind,’ Lauren said.

  ‘No doubt it’ll be my mother trying to have the last word,’ she said as she pulled her phone from her handbag at her feet. ‘It’s from Frank – my step-dad. Oh, that’s nice. He says, “So sorry to hear your news, Alice. I hope you’re okay. Here if you need me. Lots of hugs, Frank.” He’s even managed to include heart and sad face emoticons. Aww, that’s so nice of him,’ she said, hugging her phone to her chest. She tapped out a quick thank you, added a heart and pressed Send.

  ‘At least someone from over there is on your side. What about your sister? Olivia, is it?’

  ‘Yes. Mum’s little shadow and puppet.’

  ‘Oh. Okay. Enough said.’

  ‘Yes,’ Alice said with a laugh and put her phone back into her bag.

  Gradually the view from the car had changed from established suburbs to light industrial, and then to pockets of new housing developments. Now they were finally getting out into the country where the houses were further and further apart and there were swathes of green paddocks dotted with large, graceful trees.

  ‘Bill travels well,’ Lauren said, looking into the rear-vision mirror.

  ‘Yeah, not a peep. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect,’ Alice said, turning to sneak a look at the dog who was fast asleep in his bed. ‘But he seems fine.’

  ‘It’s not much more than an hour’s drive and we’re over halfway there. Not too much further.’

  ‘I’m surprised at how quick the drive is from Melbourne. You know, I’ve got a sense of déjà vu,’ Alice said. ‘I drove with David in my car from Adelaide to Melbourne when I moved here. I sold my car soon after because we only had the one parking space with the apartment and David had a car. Actually, it feels a little odd, unsettling, not to have my own car now. It’s the first time I haven’t had one or access to one since I was sixteen.’

  ‘Well, feel free to use one of Mum and Dad’s whenever you want. Honestly. But I know what you mean. It’s not the same. You’ll feel like you’ve had your wings clipped. Living rural means I’ve always needed a car. I guess it was the same for you growing up in a small country town. We’re not too far off the beaten track, but still there are no trains, taxis or buses going past the driveway every five minutes like in the city or like it was when I grew up in the English countryside.’

  ‘I reckon city people probably take getting around easily for granted.’

  ‘Yep. Probably. Okay, not far now,’ Lauren said, slowing, indicating and taking a left-hand turn off the main highway onto a bitumen road with a single lane going in each direction.

  ‘I caught the train out once to meet David. He was at some rah-rah, team building session for his work. I remember how Ballarat seemed to be the best of both worlds. It has the friendliness and charm of a big country town with its wide streets, but with the sophistication of the city thanks to the gorgeous shops and cafés and restaurants. And galleries full of beautiful art, and with so many stunning ornate old buildings. I loved being surrounded by all that history … We had a ball. The Gold Museum was awesome, but a highlight for both of us was panning for gold at Sovereign Hill. I know it’s a bit childish, but I loved it,’ Alice said, wistfully. It was one of their best weekends together and seemed so long ago.

  ‘I loved Sovereign Hill too. I’ll bring Brett here for a weekend and we can all go. I’m sure he’d be up for it. We have pans at the house, too, and a stream, though you probably won’t find any gold. I spent a whole summer panning for gold once and only found a few specs. Just enough to keep me coming back to try again.’

  ‘Oh wow. I might give it a go. I can feel my luck changing.’

  Chapter Thirty-five

  ‘Welcome to Toilichte House. “Toilichte” is a Scots Gaelic word meaning “happy”. It was already named when Mum and Dad bought it,’ Lauren said as she turned off the road into the driveway beside a large white mail box with red lettering that read ‘Toilichte House, C.R. & M.T. Finmore, 968 Bower Road via Ballarat’ on a black wrought-iron stand with matching decorative ironwork curling around and above it.

  ‘Wow, that’s an incredible mail box. I’ve never seen anything like it,’ Alice said. ‘Are they butterflies coming out of the top?’

  ‘They are. Isn’t it stunning?’ Lauren said. ‘A real work of art. Apparently it was made by a local artist who’s no longer around. Again, before our time.’

  ‘And this is lovely, too,’ Alice said, as they drove between two neat rows of huge pine trees. Flashes of light and dark and all shades in between struck the car like a flickering black-and-white movie. Suddenly they drove out from under the canopy into the muted, late morning light. At the same time Alice’s eyes locked onto the enormous old stone house in front of them and widened in awe and slight disbelief. She forced her mouth closed, only just then realising it had dropped open. She turned to Lauren. ‘You didn’t tell me you lived in an historic mansion!’

  ‘You didn’t ask,’ Lauren said, grinning.

  ‘Oh my god, it’s like a film set from a Jane Austen movie, or Poldark,’ Alice said, bringing her hands to her face. ‘Stop the car. I need to take a photo,’ she said, rummaging in her handbag at her feet looking for her phone.

  ‘You’ll have plenty of time for that. You’re going to be living here, remember,’ Lauren said with a laugh. But she brought the car to a halt anyway. Alice leapt out and snapped a heap of pictures with her phone. Then she stood staring at the house, barely feeling the icy breeze racing around her. Instead she felt warmth and harmony settle within her heart. I feel at home here already. Oh how I love old architecture, she thought. She let out a long, contented sigh before getting back into the car.

  ‘Lauren,’ she said, staring at her friend. ‘Why the hell would you ever have trouble finding inspiration for your writing? I feel inspired just looking at the place – even though I have no idea what I’m inspired about …’

  ‘Listen to you, you old romantic.’

  ‘Yes, I am, and that’s probably the problem,’ Alice said wistfully. She could feel the weight of the last few months slipping off her shoulders.

  Lauren drove around the side to the back of the large house, which looked almost as lovely as the front. ‘The only mod-con we don’t have is a garage attached to the house. The groceries you brought with you will be fine for a little while longer. Let’s do a quick tour of the house before we unpack the car – you’ll get a good idea of your bearings from upstairs.’

  ‘Okay, sounds like a good plan,’ Alice said as she got out of the car and stretched. ‘Do you mind if Bill wees on the lawn?’ she said, pointing to a large expanse of neat grass.

  ‘Of course not. Where else is he to go? What else is lawn for, huh, Bill?’ Lauren said, walking around to the passenger side.

  ‘I promise I’ll pick up all the poo.’

  ‘I know you will. Hey, Alice, chill. Make yourself at home. Please.’

  ‘How come the lawn doesn’t need mowing or the roses pruning if your parents have been away for ages?’ Alice said, looking around and taking in the immaculate garden of compact, bare roses near the clean edges of the lawn. ‘Do you have someone do it?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Of course,’ Alice mimicked with a laugh. ‘Listen to you.’

  ‘God, that sounded arrogant, didn’t it?’ Lauren said. ‘I didn’t mean to. But Mum and Dad travel a lot and I’m usually in Melbourne, remember, so they have someone go through the mail and take care of the place. It’s our neighbour, Blair. He
manages the farm for Dad.’

  ‘How much land do you have?’

  ‘Four hundred acres, give or take.’

  ‘Wow. That’s huge.’

  ‘Well, Dad didn’t want to carve the place up, and you wouldn’t believe the concessions the Australian government gives to primary producers. So, it made sense to keep it running as a farm. Come on, leave all that for now and I’ll show you around,’ Lauren said. ‘Better, Bill?’ she said to the dog, who had just trotted across the lawn and cocked his little leg against the base of a rose bush. ‘Here, I’ll block the door open so he can have a look around and come and find us when he’s ready.’

  Alice looked at the dog and hesitated. She really didn’t want to let Bill out of her sight.

  ‘Don’t worry, he won’t be able to go far enough to get himself into any trouble,’ Lauren said, punching numbers into the keypad just inside the back door. ‘The alarm code is 9-6-8-1 and then the hash key – both for arming and disarming. It’s our road number plus one on the end. For now. We do change it regularly – mainly just the last digit. Okay?’

  ‘Got it.’

  ‘So, this is the mudroom, as we Poms call them – the back room in Aussie lingo, I guess,’ Lauren said, putting her handbag on a chair beside the table. ‘There’s a spare loo and shower room just through there.’

  As they moved through the house, Alice started to lose her bearings. The place was enormous. Her bewilderment must have shown because Lauren said, ‘You won’t get lost – it’s not that big. Downstairs is the kitchen, dining room, lounge room, vestibule and Dad’s office. Upstairs is pretty much the bedrooms and bathrooms. Oh, and a more casual sitting room that’s used as the library.’

  ‘How come it’s toasty warm? I was expecting it to be cold inside when I saw the size of it,’ Alice said.

  ‘We don’t do cold, so we certainly wouldn’t expect you to. Dad asked Blair to turn the central heating and hot water service on yesterday for us.’

  ‘Oh, thank you. I could get used to this. It’s incredible,’ Alice said. ‘Sorry I keep going on, but it’s just magnificent.’