by Lisa Suzanne
I'm starting to wonder exactly how much chatting will be doing.
I've never felt this strong sexual pull to the same guy who was always just a friend, but things change...and I definitely feel it now.
“You kids have fun,” Porter says, trying and failing to play it cool. I shoot him another eyeroll and then turn to head down the hall to my bedroom. “And use protection!” he yells after us.
Gavin chuckles behind me, but I’m not laughing as the heat creeps up my spine and spreads pink right on to my very embarrassed cheeks.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Once we're in my room and the door is closed behind us, Gavin takes himself on a tour. He looks at the pictures of Rose and me on my dresser, at the pretty notebooks I keep on my desk even though I rarely actually write in them, at the barren walls. He makes little noises of approval as he moves around the room, and then his eyes focus on my bed before moving back to mine.
My bed is maybe the one place I allowed myself to spend luxuriously outside of my means. It’s my sanctuary, and so the comforter and sheets I selected are higher quality than a fourth-grade teacher can afford, but it was my one big splurge, and the white high thread count sheets and comforter are my oasis after a long day.
“Nice room.”
I give him a small, shy smile. “Thanks.”
“Sort of how I pictured it, but I thought there’d be more purple.”
I press my lips together to hide a wider smile as I think back to my childhood bedroom. “Yeah, my mom was more into purple than I was.”
He laughs, and I sit on the edge of my bed.
“Sorry my place is so small.” I look down at the ground as I say the words.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” His voice is sharp, and my eyes whip up to his. “It’s yours. You’ve made it a home, and that’s what’s important.” He sits down next to me, and I’m very aware that we’re both sitting on my bed.
“Sometimes I hate living with my brother. He’s always got some new girl he’s entertaining and it gets old fast. But we split rent so it’s where I’m at. For now.”
Gavin wrinkles his nose, and it’s somehow adorable on him. “If it makes you feel any better, Liam’s always got some new girl he’s entertaining, too. And even though we might have more square footage, it isn’t any less annoying.”
I laugh. “But I’m the perfect roommate.”
“I bet you are,” he muses. He reaches over for my hand and laces his fingers through mine. “And so am I.”
A quiet moment passes between us as we both ponder that notion.
“So, uh, I have something to talk to you about.” He stares down at our connected hands, and a nervous ball forms in the pit of my stomach at his sudden hesitance.
I tug on his hand, scoot up the bed, prop both my pillows, and lean back on my headboard. He follows suit and repositions his fingers through mine before he resumes our conversation.
“Ashmark called us in this afternoon. Our booking agent already had the majority of the tour mapped out, and they presented us with a tentative itinerary today. It’s a hundred shows, Laney.” He pulls our connected hands up to his chest and holds his other hand over mine, caging my hand in both of his. He presses his lips to our connection and I feel the heat of his breath on my knuckles when he speaks again. “A hundred shows over the next year.”
My heart doesn’t know what to do with itself. It sinks down to my stomach knowing that he’s going away, yet it lifts with happiness because he’s achieving this huge dream.
“A hundred shows, wow,” I say. “That’s amazing, Gav.”
“Yeah.” He nods, our hands still against his lips, and I can tell he’s forming his words carefully. “It’s amazing. But after all this time, I finally told you how I feel. I can’t enjoy the victory when I don’t know where you stand.”
I blow out a breath, the pressure heavy on my shoulders. “You can’t base your reaction on me.”
His eyes dart over to mine. “Why not? I’ve done it since I was fourteen.”
The words settle between us, and I don’t know what to say. On the one hand, I want to lash out at him for putting me in this situation...but on the other hand, I want to climb on top of him and kiss him for feeling that way about me.
Words finally come, but they fall unedited out of my mouth and I immediately regret them. “Because I don’t know where I stand.”
His brows furrow and he drops my hand. “You don’t know where you stand?”
I squeeze my eyes like I’m in pain for a beat, and he repeats his question.
I shake my head as I squeeze my eyes shut again, willing the divisiveness inside me to just go the fuck away so I can see who’s really in my heart. “No,” I whisper. “I saw Chase. He wants me to come to Denver with him.”
“Well, I want you to come on the road with us.” He blurts it out, an invitation that feels a little forced after my latest confession.
Come to Denver. Come on the road with my band.
Two offers I never could’ve imagined three days ago. Two offers I have no idea how to choose between. Two offers I can hardly believe are my reality.
Maybe my best bet is to give them both up. That way, I’m not getting in too deep with either of them, though I’m fooling myself if I think it won’t hurt everyone involved to do that...including myself. But then it’s me hurting myself rather than one of them hurting me in the end. I’ve learned to depend on myself over the years, but can I trust myself enough to make this choice?
The only answer is that I need to explore both options...and I need to be honest with both men about what I’m doing. I’ve been honest with Gavin, but I need to tell Chase, too.
I want to feel insulted that they both think I’ll just give up my life for them, but what am I really giving up?
It’s not that I’m so in love with my life in California or my job...it’s just that teaching fourth grade in California is all I’ve known my entire adult life, and the fear of the unknown is beyond terrifying.
In either scenario, I’d have to quit my job and leave everything I know.
Chase is offering to fulfill every dream, fantasy, and wish I’ve had since I was eighteen. What happens when I move to Denver and find that the Delaney and Chase of today aren’t as compatible as we were back then? What if our break-up was inevitable either way? What if I hate eating his strict, healthy, in-season diet with him and I just want to go out to a bar and get drunk with my boyfriend without worrying how it’s going to affect his performance the next day?
On the other hand, if I take Gavin up on his offer to travel for the next year with him, I have no idea what that even means or where the tour is even going. Does it mean we live on a tour bus? Is this tour going outside the US? What if I hate being with someone in the spotlight, or worse, what if we try this dating thing and it doesn’t work out? Would I be stuck on the road, miserable or would I leave early and come home to…nothing? Or, more importantly, would I be losing him—someone who is so much more than just an important piece of my history?
I can’t just make these sorts of decisions on a whim—and especially not when this is all so new.
Time has passed, and we’ve all changed. It’s not like they know me today. They knew the me who went to high school with them. The me who had money. What if I take the huge leap and take one of them up on their offer only to find out they don’t like this new version of me?
It’s too much to think about in the seconds that have passed since Gavin said he wants me to come with him, and the hope in his eyes tells me he’s waiting for an answer.
“Come on the road with you?” I finally repeat. I stare at him like he has sprouted two heads. “You can’t be serious, Gav.”
“Then how come I am?” The passion in his eyes is almost too much for me.
“I have a job.” I stand from the bed because I can’t be so close to him when he’s looking at me like that. I don’t trust myself.
“Right, a job you’ve already admitted i
sn’t your dream. Take a year off, come with me, and then you can reevaluate.”
I pace like a caged animal in the small space next to my bed. “I don’t have the money to just take a year off. Besides, you don’t even know me anymore. What if you don’t like twenty-eight-year-old me?”
“We’ll find a position for you on the road and pay you, then. And I know your soul, Laney. I know who you are deep down. Better than anyone else in the world, even after all this time.” He has an answer for everything, and I’m starting to buy what he’s selling.
He gets up from the bed and stands in front of me so I can’t pace anymore without bumping into his chest. His arms come around me, and just like the night Chase broke up with me, his hold on me is calming. His lips brush my forehead. “Whatever you decide, it won’t change my feelings about you.” He pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “Nothing has after all this time, and I know we’ve only spent a few hours together since we reconnected at the reunion, but it’s you. It’s me. And it’s meant to be.”
The words of his last three sentences are reminiscent of a Beyond Gold song—another one about me, I guess.
It’s flattering and overwhelming and I feel like I’m living some fantasy. I want to be good enough to deserve him, but I’m not sure I am—especially when there’s potentially someone else. His lips move down to mine, and he kisses me sweetly for a few beats as my spine tingles with anticipation and that damn needy ache settles back between my legs.
But then reality comes crashing down.
There’s someone else in this equation, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to solve it.
I break the kiss first. “Stop.” I back away from him. “I can’t do this right now. When you kiss me like that, I want it to be you, but I just don’t know yet.”
A tiny smile tips up his lips at my words. “Then choose me. I can make you happy, Laney.”
“I know you could. But there’s someone else here, too, and I can’t pretend like there isn’t.” I clear my throat. “I’m going to Denver on Thursday to see him.”
He blows out a breath and sits back down, completely deflated. Everything in his entire demeanor, from his eyes to his body language even to the way he holds his head, changes in an instant from happy and hopeful to mournful and despairing.
I hate that I’m the one who did that to him.
“Thursday?” he asks softly.
I nod my confirmation. “Through Sunday.”
“Why?”
I lift a shoulder and sit next to him. “Because he invited me.” I say it more like a question than a statement.
“Do you want to be with him?” He stares down at the ground rather than at me.
Isn’t that the question of the hour?
“I don’t know,” I answer, my candid response prompting him to look in my direction again. “It was him for all these years, and now he’s giving me back that chance I thought was everything I wanted, but...”
I trail off, and he fills in the blank. “But it’s not everything you wanted?” The hopefulness in his voice pierces my heart.
I shrug again. “I owe it to myself to explore that.” The hopefulness slides right off his handsome face, so I amend my sentence. “But I owe it to myself to explore where things could go with you, too. I just need you to give me some time to figure it all out.”
He gives me a sad smile. “I’ve given you the last fourteen years. I can wait a little longer.”
“Tell me about the tour,” I say, going for a distraction.
He stares at me for a few beats like he wants to finish the other part of our conversation, but then he answers my question. “We start in the US for sixty dates. Then we head to South America, Europe, and a few dates in Asia. The tentative itinerary, Laney...it’s all places I’ve always wanted to travel.” His eyes shine with excitement, and I find it to be contagious as I smile along with him. “We told Mark months ago which cities we’d want on our dream tour, and like a fucking magician, he’s making it happen. All of them. It’ll be incredible.”
“Will you have time to be a tourist in those places?”
He shrugs. “Some of them. With a hundred shows in a year, that means we’re playing approximately every three-and-a-half days. Calculate in travel time, and we won’t get to see everything we want. It would be too taxing to fit everything in anyway, but we’ll have a good chunk of time to enjoy the sights.”
His eyes land on me with some mix of excitement, anxiety, and pleading, and I can see it plain as day on his face. This is why he wants me to go with him. He wants to tour the world with me, and the thought overwhelms me all over again.
This huge NFL superstar wants me to move to Denver to be with him. This huge music superstar wants me to pick up and tour the world with him and his band.
I can’t help but think one thing: why me?
What have I done to deserve any of this?
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally admit. “It sounds like a dream, Gav. Truly. But this is all so much so soon. When does the tour start?”
“We have some time. There’s still a lot of details to work out, and Ashmark wants us to release another album before we go. But we’re looking at launching in the fall.”
“The fall,” I repeat flatly. The same time school starts. The same time football season starts, for what it’s worth.
He nods. “The beginning of September.”
My face blanches. “That’s less than three months away.”
“It’s more than two,” he says, always looking at the bright side. “It gives us some time, anyway.”
Good...because time is exactly what I need right now to decide between these two offers—or to decide whether neither is the right offer for me.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
There was no more kissing before he left barring one tiny goodbye peck on the lips. Porter and his girl whose name I already forgot weren’t in the family room when Gavin snuck out, so he gave me that one final kiss.
I shouldn’t feel sad after everything that’s been offered to me today, yet I do.
I’m sad nothing else happened between Gavin and me even though I’m the one who stopped it.
I told Gavin it was time to go when I looked at the clock and realized I had less than seven hours until I had to be at work in the morning.
I should’ve called Rose before I went to bed, because now it’s after two and I’m still tossing and turning and it’s too late to call. Maybe she could’ve offered some perspective on my unique situation.
I hardly sleep all night as my brain fights a war with Chase on one side and Gavin on the other. By the time my alarm rings in the morning, it’s a bloody battle with no clear winner, and somehow I’m in the middle, war torn and bruised and bleeding...on the inside, at least.
How do I make this choice? How do I trust that I’ll make the right decision, that I’ll choose one of them and never have any doubts as to whether it was the right choice?
I trudge through my morning routine and head to work, teach my first day of summer school, and finally call my best friend on my way home from class.
“How’d it go with the Chase-in-ator?” she asks without a greeting as she calls up an old nickname she had for him.
“Fine.” I blow out a breath.
“I’m gonna need more than that.”
“Chase wants me to come to Denver.”
“No! I said over there,” she yells at someone, and then she returns her attention to me. “Like for a weekend? Or like long-term?”
“Preferably long-term, I think, but he booked me a trip for this weekend.”
“Oh my God, it’s all happening!” She’s squealing, and then she yells at someone. “Jane! The centerpiece goes in the center of the table, hence the name.” I giggle, and she says under her breath, “I swear, if you want something done right...”
“Do you want me to come help you? My afternoon is clear and I also need to tell you about what Gavin said when I saw him last night.”
/>
“Yes, I would love for you to come help me. I’ll pay you. Twice what I’m paying these useless assistants of mine.”
“Be nice, Rosalind,” I say, and she laughs. “And that’s not necessary. You know I’ll always help for free. Where are you?”
“Santa Monica. Head that way and I’ll text you the address.”
“On my way,” I say, my heart skipping a beat at her mention of the same town where Gavin lives. It’s a big place, but I’ll be closer to him than I am now...and that thought warms everything inside me.
I plug the address into my GPS at a stoplight once it comes through from Rose, and it turns out the venue Rose is using is only a few blocks from Gavin’s place.
There may be a surprise visit in his future.
Maybe. If I can get up the nerve to actually do it.
When I arrive, I spot Rose in the center of the room yelling at her team of worker-bees. I giggle to myself, glad I’m not at the center of her wrath right now, and they disperse when she excuses them. She spots me and strides over. “We’ve got this huge reception for some tech corporation here tonight and I’m just trying to put the final touches on everything.” She huffs out a breath. “They should have it under control now if you want to chat out in the gardens.”
I nod, and we head out that way.
“So what did Gav say?” she asks once we’re seated on a bench in a beautiful rose garden with a fountain in the center.
“Beyond Gold is going on tour for a year. Dates in the US, South America, Europe, and Asia. He wants me to come.”
Her jaw drops wide open. “They’re going on tour? And he wants you to come?”
I lift a shoulder. “That’s what he said.”
“Oh my God, Dee. So Chase wants you in Denver and Gavin wants you to take a trip around the world with him.”
“That about sums it up.” I press my lips together.
Her eyes are full of wonder. “What the actual fuck? Are you fucking with me? Tell me you’re fucking with me, because this shit doesn’t make a lick of sense.”