The Lost Saint

by Bree Despain

  “Told who what?”

  “Grace!” It was Gabriel’s voice, mixed with reassurance and something else I’d never heard from him—anger. He filled the open doorway of the rec center.

  “I’m sorry,” April said. “I told him about you and Talbot.”

  “How could you?” I snarled at April. “I trusted you.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. “I thought I was helping you.”

  “Come with me, now,” Gabriel demanded.

  IN THE REC CENTER

  I followed Gabriel through the lobby and past the receptionist who tried to stop us. But Gabriel just held up his hand to quiet her, and we kept on walking. He opened the door of a room that seemed designed for conference meetings and motioned me inside.

  The second the door clicked shut, Gabriel reeled on me. “Are you okay?” he practically yelled.

  “Yes.”

  “Were you kidnapped, threatened, or otherwise coerced into doing something against your will?”

  “What? No.”

  “Then I want you to tell me what your friend meant when she told me that you’ve been sneaking off alone with some boy during the project. And why, if you weren’t even there, was your scent all over the inside of that dojo!” He grabbed my arm. “And then explain to me why I smell demon blood on your clothes”—he wrenched my jacket off my shoulders, exposing the bloody tear in my sleeve and the three bright pink scars on my arm—“and how you got this.”

  You don’t have to tell him anything, something said inside my head. It was a mixture of my voice, Talbot’s, and the new voice I’d heard before. It was right.

  I yanked my arm out of Gabriel’s grasp. “I don’t have to tell you anything,” I said. “You’re not my father. You’re certainly not my brother. You’re not even really my teacher.”

  He’s nothing compared to you, the voice said.

  “I’m your friend, Grace. I may not be your brother, but I care for you like I am.”

  “You’re nothing to me.”

  “So that’s how you regard your friends, as ‘nothing’? I understand that boy who was attacked was your friend. Is he nothing to you, too?”

  “Pete Bradshaw isn’t my friend!” He’s a son of a bitch who deserves everything that happened to him. The voice was right; Pete had it coming to him. “He deserved it.”

  “What?” Gabriel took a step back, rubbing his ringless fingers. “Did you do this, Grace?” He looked afraid, like he thought I was going to pounce on him.

  Gabriel is a coward.

  “No. I didn’t attack Pete. He’s not worth my time.” I pulled my jacket back up over my shoulders. “I have more important things to do.”

  “Then why was your scent at that dojo?”

  “Because that’s where I’ve been training.”

  “Training? Daniel told me you two weren’t training anymore.”

  “I wasn’t with Daniel. That boy I’ve been sneaking off with, he’s a Hound of Heaven … and the last of the Saint Moons. At least the real Saint Moons. Not a coward like you, who uses the name but does nothing to deserve it.”

  Gabriel’s eyes went wide. “That’s impossible, Grace. Don was the last Saint Moon. All the others were killed when—”

  “When you stood by and let Caleb Kalbi kill them. Well, you’re wrong. Nathan Talbot survived. He was three years old when he watched his parents get slaughtered in front of him—all because you wouldn’t act.”

  Gabriel’s mouth hung open for a split second. “I was told the boy died from his injuries.…”

  “Well, he didn’t. And now he’s a Hound of Heaven. And he’s been teaching me everything he knows. You might be afraid to do anything with your powers, but I’m not a coward like you. I’m a Hound of Heaven now, too. And while you’ve been hiding out here, afraid to get your hands dirty, I’ve been hunting demons. I even killed my first one today.”

  “You did what?” he roared. His body shook. He took another step back, breathing deeply. “No. This can’t be happening. You’re losing yourself to the wolf.”

  “I’m not losing myself. I killed a demon, not a human or even an Urbat. I know the difference. I’m not as stupid as you think.”

  Gabriel winced with pain; he pressed his palms together and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and then letting it out between his teeth. “You’re insanely stupid if you think killing won’t change you,” he said softly. “Even killing a demon. It gives you a sense of power—the ability to end something’s existence, to snuff something out with your own hands. And that sense of power becomes pride, if you leave it unchecked. Soon you start thinking you’re better than everyone else. Superior. Or maybe it just makes you feel angry that you can’t do more. But those are exactly the feelings that feed the wolf—make it stronger. And before you know what’s happening, you’ll lose yourself.” He reached out to touch my shoulder. “The wolf talks to you. I can sense it. We’re losing you already.”

  I shook off his touch. “Stop saying that! Why can’t you believe in me? Why can’t you accept that just because you lost yourself to the curse, it doesn’t mean every other Hound of Heaven out there is going to, too?”

  “You really want to know?” Gabriel asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Because in eight hundred and thirty years, I’ve yet to meet a single true Urbat who didn’t eventually fall victim to the wolf.”

  His words felt like a punch in the gut. I gasped and took a step back, hitting the side of the table.

  “Every single one of us falls, Katharine—and so will you.”

  “I’m not Katharine. I’m not your sister. And I’m not weak like you.”

  Gabriel growled. “I should have just taken you to Sirhan when I got here, like he’d commanded. I thought if I could figure you out, I could spare you the trip. I should have known better. I’m taking you now, so say good-bye to your friends. I don’t know when you’re coming back.”

  “Taking me?” Sirhan commanded Gabriel to take me to him?

  They’re coming for you. He makes you think you can trust him but you can’t.

  “Are you the one Jude tried to warn me about? Are you the one who’s after me?” I tried to push past him to get away, but he wouldn’t move.

  Gabriel put his hands on my shoulders. “No, Grace. That’s not what I meant. I’m taking you to Sirhan so we can help you.”

  I swept my arm out and slammed it against his rib cage. He flew sideways and hit the wall. “You’re not taking me anywhere,” I said, and bolted out of the room.

  LATER

  I ran.

  Out of the rec center, past the other students on the steps, past the bus and my dad’s car, which was just pulling into the parking lot, and out onto the street. I knew Gabriel was perfectly capable of coming after me, but I also knew he wouldn’t.

  He’s weak.

  He lies.

  You’re better than him.

  I picked up my pace, running harder and faster. My backpack smacked against my back with every step. I dodged pedestrians and cars and leaped over anything that got in my way. I knew people were pointing, stopping slack-jawed to watch the girl who was running like she was being chased by a monster. But I didn’t care. I just had to run.

  I’d started running because Gabriel said he wanted to take me away. But the monster I ran from now was the words he’d spoken before that. They trailed after me like a demon after its prey: In eight hundred and thirty years, I’ve yet to meet a single true Urbat who didn’t eventually fall victim to the wolf.

  Those words haunted me. Just like the aching, shaking pain inside my muscles that wouldn’t ease—no matter how fast I ran. No matter how hard I pounded it out on the pavement, no matter how much I embraced my powers. Nothing eased the pain like before—it only grew stronger and stronger with my raging thoughts.

  Gabriel was wrong about me. He couldn’t help me. He didn’t understand me. He had no right to say I was going to fall. He didn’t even know me.

  You’re better
than him!

  But I couldn’t shake what he’d said, that all the Hounds eventually fell. Gabriel had to be wrong. Falling wasn’t inevitable. Why would God have invented the Hounds of Heaven in the first place if all of them failed?

  No, you’re not like them, the voice said. You’re special. You’re the Divine One.

  Yes. Yes, I was different. The Urbat thought that you couldn’t receive the cure without dying—but I’d saved Daniel. I’d cured him.

  I was better.

  Daniel knew that.

  Gabriel had tried to make Daniel forget that—tried to turn Daniel against me. But Daniel had believed in me once.

  He loved me.

  Yes, Daniel loves you. He’s the one who loves you most. Make him remember that.

  Go to him.

  My body shifted, and my direction veered toward Oak Park. I can’t explain it, can’t describe it, but every part of me needed to find Daniel, needed to see him, feel him, touch him. Needed to know that he still needed me.

  I kept on running until I stumbled down the steps to Daniel’s basement apartment and collapsed against his door. I sank to the concrete, quivering like the bright orange aspen leaves surrounding the house. My heart pumped so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I’d never run so far, so fast, but still that horrible aching inside of me made my muscles clench with agony.

  The door opened, and I heard Daniel say my name as he pulled me up into his arms. “Gracie, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”

  I wanted Daniel to ease the pain inside of me, to prove that Gabriel was wrong about me, but hearing his voice and seeing his face weren’t enough. I wrapped my arms around his neck and then wove my fingers into his shaggy hair. I kissed the side of his face. Kissed him along his jaw and then behind his ear.

  “Well, hello to you, too,” he said. “What’s gotten into you—?”

  I pressed my lips over his mouth and kissed him with such force that he stumbled back into his apartment. I kicked the door closed behind us, dropped my backpack on the ground, and pressed my body against his.

  I tasted him with my lips, drew in his almondy scent with every heavy breath, but it still wasn’t enough.

  Still not enough to ease the pain.

  I kissed him harder and ran my hands down his arms, feeling the curves of his muscles under his thin oxford shirt. Daniel’s arms tightened around me as he returned my kisses. His hands caressed my back and then pulled my jacket off my shoulders. It fell to the ground at my feet. Then his hands were on my waist, holding me tight by my hips.

  I could feel his want for me in his touch, but it still wasn’t enough to ease the aching inside. I still needed more. I kissed him harder and used the pressure of my body to propel him toward the sofa bed only a few feet behind us.

  Daniel stopped when the backs of his knees hit the side of the mattress. His touch became hesitant as I pressed against him harder. He pulled back from my mouth and whispered against my cheek, “What are you wanting here, Grace? I thought we were waiting.”

  You can’t wait anymore.

  “I can’t wait anymore.” I echoed the voice in my head.

  I pushed Daniel. His knees softened, and he sat at the edge of the bed. I climbed onto his lap and kissed him deeply, running my fingers along the buttons of his shirt, tracing his pecs and then his abs beneath the fabric.

  The aching in my muscles suddenly surged through my body like some kind of foreign energy. I felt it clutch at my heart, squeezing like a clawed hand. I’d felt that sensation before. I knew what it meant. Something else was in control.

  A small part of my brain told me to stop, told me to back off before it was too late—but I couldn’t. I wanted Daniel more than anything I’d ever wanted before.

  I needed him.

  Then devour him! roared that foreign voice inside my head.

  And before I knew what was happening, my teeth were bared in a snarl, and my hands were clawing at Daniel’s collar. I ripped his shirt open, sending buttons flying. I could feel Daniel grabbing at my hands, could hear him telling me to calm down, but that only made me claw at him harder. It was like I was watching myself act like a monster from the corner of the room, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

  “Stop!” Daniel shouted. He grabbed my shoulders and threw me off him sideways onto the bed. He jumped off the mattress. His arms flew up in a defensive position, ready to fight if he needed to. “Easy, Grace. This isn’t you. Get ahold of yourself.”

  I rolled over, panting into his bedspread. My body shuddered and convulsed—like something was trying to tear its way out of my skin. I screamed and clawed at my own neck, searching for my moonstone—but my neck was empty.

  “Where is it, Grace?” Daniel asked, urgency bleeding out from his voice. “Where’s your moonstone?”

  “My backpack,” I panted into the sheets.

  I heard a rustling noise and then felt pulsing warmth on my back. Daniel sat next to me, pressing the stone against the bare skin at the nape of my neck. I let its calming warmth tingle through me, easing the darkness that had crept into my heart. The deep shudder in my nerves lessened to a tremble.

  I looked up at Daniel sitting next to me. His torn shirt hung open, revealing three long red gashes from my fingernails across his collarbone. But it was the expression on his face as he stared down at me that made my eyes fill with tears. He didn’t see me lying there in his bed.

  He saw the wolf.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Terrible Grace

  TEN MINUTES LATER

  I perched on the side of the mattress as far away from Daniel as I could get. I clutched the moonstone in my hands, rocking back and forth with the rhythm of its pulse. Daniel started to scoot toward me, his hand outstretched toward the torn sleeve of my shirt.

  I shook my head. “No. Don’t touch me, please.” I didn’t want him near me, didn’t want the possibility of hurting him again.

  “How did this happen, Grace?” Daniel’s voice cracked a bit as he spoke. Was he trying to hold back his anger? “I don’t understand how the wolf could have that much control over you.” His voice cracked again. “This is all my fault. Gabriel was right. I should have never started training you in the first place. I thought if I taught you balance, this wouldn’t happen. But I did this to you. I didn’t stop your training in time—”

  “No,” I said. “Don’t say that. Don’t blame yourself. I did this, not you. I didn’t stop training when you asked me to.…” My lips trembled, and I couldn’t speak anymore. I’d already cried a good amount, but another wave of sobs ripped through me.

  “What do you mean? What have you been doing? What happened to your arm? And why the hell …?” He paused, as if dampening his temper. “Why weren’t you wearing your moonstone?”

  A million lies flashed through my mind—a million excuses I could tell Daniel for why I wasn’t wearing my moonstone, my fail-safe. But what was the point of lying anymore?

  “I took it off to conceal my identity. I confronted a member of that gang of invisible thieves—they’re called the Shadow Kings. I killed him. He was a demon, and I staked him through the heart.”

  I heard Daniel take in a sharp breath.

  “But really, the reason I took off my moonstone was because I wanted to prove that I didn’t need it.” I shook my head. “But I was wrong.”

  Gabriel had been right about me.

  I was losing myself like the rest of them.

  I’d let the wolf inside my head, inside my heart, and it had tried to take me over. Tried to make me harm the person I loved the most. I wasn’t stronger. I wasn’t better. I wasn’t different.

  The mattress shifted as Daniel stood up. I could hear his footsteps as he paced beside the bed. He stopped a few inches away from me and then went back to pacing. This time he stopped when he was on the opposite side of the room. “Help me understand what you’re saying. You went after the gang alone? Why would you do that?”

  “Bec
ause I wanted to find Jude. I wanted to make my family whole again. Going after the gang was the only way I knew how to find him. But you wouldn’t help me. Not you or Gabriel or my father. So I found someone who would. I didn’t do this alone. I found someone who believed in me.”

  “What do you mean you found someone? Who is this person, Grace?”

  “His name is Nathan Talbot, and he’s a demon hunter—a Hound of Heaven. I met him at The Depot when I went there with April. He saved us from some trouble.… But he’s been training me. Teaching me the things that you couldn’t.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

  I shook my head. “Because of how you’ve been acting lately—and demanding that I be normal. And because I knew it would upset you. I knew you’d be worried. I was afraid you’d try to stop—”

  “Damn right, I’m worried!” Daniel shouted. “You’re keeping secrets from me. Secrets that are more deadly than you could even imagine.” He slammed his hand against the wall. “You meet some mysterious guy who claims he can train you. How did he even know what you are? How do you know he’s not the one Jude was trying to warn you about? The person who’s after us? Do you have any idea how stupid you’ve been?”

  “Stop it!” I jumped up from the bed and faced him. “Talbot isn’t after me. We’ve been alone together a dozen times. If he wanted to hurt me, he would have by now. He doesn’t want to kill me; he wants to help me. He believes that I can be a hero like you used to.”

  Daniel leaned against the wall, both his fists grabbing the ends of his shaggy hair. “So this is my fault. I couldn’t give you what you wanted, so you went looking for it somewhere else.”

  “Don’t say that, Daniel … I love you.”

  “But you don’t trust me.” He let go of his hair and dropped his hands at his sides. “You trust a total stranger more than you do me.”