by Indiana Wake
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t fall down, Janet.” Josh walked toward his daughter and Grace felt her mouth go dry. “You’re not hurt at all.” He took hold of his daughter’s wrist and turned her around, checking her over for injuries. “There’s not a mark on you but dirt.”
“It still hurts, Daddy,” Janet wailed again but it was clear from her expression that she knew her father didn’t believe her.
“Why did you ruin the dress?” Josh sounded suddenly exhausted, so thoroughly disappointed, that Grace could feel tears springing into her eyes.
She felt suddenly furious with Janet, so furious that she had to bite her bottom lip for fear of saying something that she would later regret.
“I didn’t do it, it just got torn when I fell down.”
“Janet, I can see with my own eyes that that isn’t the truth. You took a hold of that fabric and you ripped it. It’s a clean tear, not a jagged one. You did that on purpose.” Josh’s voice was beginning to rise and Grace knew that she would have to say something to break the tension.
“Come on, Janet,” Grace said gently. “Let’s go get you cleaned up and changed for church.” Grace was surprised by the thickness in her own voice, the obvious emotion, and she hoped that nobody else realized that she was on the verge of tears.
“I can get myself ready,” Janet shouted, suddenly angry. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need anything from you. You’re not my ma, stop trying to act as if you are.” And with that, Janet ran from the kitchen.
Grace realized then that she wasn’t simply upset for Josh’s sake, but for her own. She really did care for Janet and she knew that the child was hurting, struggling to cope with an event that she still didn’t understand, even now.
The truth was that Janet’s outburst, Janet’s behavior, and Janet’s determined destruction of the dress was more painful to Grace than she could ever have imagined it would be. She had been so sure that she had reached her, but perhaps she’d pushed too hard.
Perhaps she’d tried for too much too soon and this was Janet’s way of holding out her arms and keeping her father’s new wife at bay.
Whatever it was, Grace realized that she had no idea what to do next. She’d tried everything in her power to help Janet, to reach her, and now she was brought hard up against the fact that she very likely never would.
“Hey, hey,” Josh said and advanced upon her, his voice calmed by his sudden realization that Grace was crying. “Come here.” And without another word, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. “I’m so sorry, Grace. I’m just so sorry.”
As he mumbled the words into her hair, Grace realized that she was gripping him as tightly as he gripped her.
Chapter 13
Grace was aware, as she sat in the pew next to Josh, that she was raw-eyed from crying. She hadn’t cried like that since the awful days following Peter’s death and she could hardly believe that something as simple as Janet’s rough behavior had brought her such despair.
Grace had, of course, hoped that the obvious effort she had put into Janet’s dress would do something to soften the girl’s view of her. But even then, she’d known it was far from an assured outcome.
So why had she dissolved so completely? And why had she done so in Josh’s arms? If he’d left her to stand there alone for a moment, Grace was certain she would have swallowed down her upset; she certainly wouldn’t have wept as she had.
Grace didn’t want to blame Janet so thoroughly but, try as she might in the house of God, she couldn’t help it. Why did the child have to be so determined to push the world away from her? She certainly wasn’t self-sufficient. She needed people; Jimmy Dalton was proof of that.
Not taking in a word of the Minister’s sermon, Grace allowed her eyes to stray around the church until they settled upon Laura Price.
Laura was sitting on an aisle seat opposite and just a couple of rows in front. She was turned in her seat to look at Grace and it was clear she was concerned. Grace blanched when she realized just how obvious her state of upset must have been.
All she could do was nod to Laura by way of letting her know she was all right. Laura smiled and gave the briefest of nods before her eyes darted to where Janet sat on the other side of Josh. Her smile vanished immediately, and Grace felt so conflicted.
Laura turned back to face the front and Grace knew they would be having a word outside the church later. But she felt protective of Janet again, in spite of everything, and she wondered how she was going to be able to tell Laura the tale and still have her feel pity for the motherless child. Janet certainly wasn’t making it easy for people to like her.
Throughout the rest of the service, Josh turned to her at regular intervals as if to check on her. She smiled weakly each time, hoping to give him some assurance that everything would be all right in the end.
But would it? If Janet continued this way just because her daddy had gotten married, how was she going to be when Grace’s baby arrived?
Grace hadn’t spoken to Janet since she had returned in the torn dress. The wagon ride to church had been made in silence and Janet seemed for all the world as if she now felt awkward. She couldn’t look at Grace at all, choosing to stare down at her freshly scrubbed hands as they rested on her lap in the pristine pale blue dress she had changed into.
But her contrition was never enough to stop her doing the same things over and over again, although Grace truly believed her regret. She truly believed that Janet didn’t have a great understanding of the true reasons for her behavior. But that didn’t lessen the undeniable fact that Grace couldn’t take much more of it. She wouldn’t.
With the service finished, the awkward little family of three began to make their way out of the church. It was clear that Janet wanted to be away from them for a while. She was quiet and could hardly even make eye contact with her father. But when she asked if she could go over to the Dalton place with Jimmy for the afternoon, she got a shock.
“No, you won’t be going today,” Josh said with grim determination. “You won’t be going for a good long while.”
“But, Daddy….” She looked up at him, her eyes already shining with tears of desperation.
“No, not this time. You went too far, Janet. It’s time you learned that Grace is here to stay. She’s tried to be a ma to you, I’ve seen that.” He crouched low so that he was at eye level with his daughter. “But even if you don’t accept her help and her kindness, you have no option but to accept her as my wife. That’s the way things are now. Grace is my wife and I won’t have you treat her that way ever again. Do you hear me?” Despite the harshness of the words, Josh spoke them kindly.
There was no suggestion in his tone that his love for his child had been withdrawn in any way. He rested his big hands on her thin shoulders and looked at her sadly as the tears flowed freely down her face.
Grace felt emotional but was determined not to make eye contact with Janet. She risked seeing the ever-present antagonism in the girl’s expression and feared an outburst she would come to regret.
Josh was doing just fine. He was doing wonderfully, as a matter of fact.
“Now, go and tell Jimmy you won’t be seeing him today, then go get in the wagon and wait for us there.” He kissed the top of his daughter’s springy blonde curls before straightening up.
Janet was defeated well and truly. Grace watched her walk away to her friend, her shoulders sagging in an exhausted way.
“It’s all I’ve got left to try,” Josh said and sounded suddenly defeated himself. “I can’t keep threatening it. I’ve got to go through with it this time.”
“I know,” Grace said and had the sudden urge to take his hand.
But she had barely moved an inch before she stopped herself. She was afraid at that moment, although of what she couldn’t say.
“Laura Price is waiting for you, Grace,” Josh said quietly.
“Oh, yes, she was smiling over at me in church. Maybe I could have a minute with her before w
e go?”
“Sure, you don’t have to ask permission. I’m only chastising my daughter today, not my wife.” He smiled in an attempt to bring the world back to normal. “Look, why don’t you have the afternoon with her? It would give you a break from the tension back home and I reckon I need to sit my daughter down and have a good and deep talk with her.”
“Are you sure?” Grace said, hoping her enthusiasm to be away and spend the afternoon with Laura wasn’t obvious.
“I’ll ride down later to collect you. Late afternoon.” He smiled and waved over at Laura before turning to head for the wagon.
“You keep making excuses for her, Grace, but that child is getting worse.” Laura was clearly in defense of her good friend. “I know what Connie would say.” She raised her eyebrows.
“So do I,” Grace said and they both laughed. “But Connie would look at it just how you’re doing. From the point of view of protecting me. As always.” Grace smiled warmly and took Laura’s hand.
Jed and Mary Price had been pleased to see Grace and had easily made their midday meal stretch to accommodate an extra place at the table for their daughter’s friend.
They had been pleased to see her looking so well and asked all manner of questions about her new life. Grace was happy to answer and thought just how much things had changed. It was nice to have a conversation with people she had come to Oregon with that didn’t include that awful journey. Something about that fact seemed to Grace like a symbol for the future. It was a sign that life went on, it kept going forward.
She had been careful not to speak about her troubles, though. It was enough for her to keep her new family’s concerns limited to just Laura and Connie. Josh didn’t deserve to have the details of his daughter’s behavior discussed any more widely than that.
And so, when Mary had left the two younger women to the clearing up, Grace had been pleased. It would give her and Laura a good piece of time to talk while Jed and Mary dozed away their meal in the comfort of their porch seat in the shade.
“But you’re right,” Grace said thoughtfully as she dried the plates with a heavy cloth. “Janet’s behavior is getting worse.”
“I thought you’d turned a corner. I mean, with the reading and Janet asking all those questions about the baby.” Laura looked thoughtful. “Maybe she is rebelling against her own wishes.”
“How so?”
“Maybe she does want to get close to you but she’s angry with herself for it. You know, guilt is a strong old sentiment.”
“Guilt?”
“Guilt that befriending you might somehow be disrespectful to her ma’s memory. She might not even know she’s doing it. Or at least why she’s doing it.”
As Laura continued to scrub at the heavy pan, Grace smiled. She was pleased that Laura’s feelings for Janet had softened again and become something much more rational than the protection of her friend.
“That’s real wise, Laura.” Grace settled herself heavily down at the kitchen table as she waited for the pan to be washed.
“I guess, when you look at it, it’s the same old guilt as the one that keeps you and Josh Lacey apart.” Laura turned to look at Grace with a mischievous glint in her bright blue eyes.
“What?” Grace said, surprised by the sudden turn in the conversation. “Now you know fine well it’s not the same thing at all.” Grace laughed. “And we’re hardly apart, as you put it, being married and all.”
“You’re just married,” Laura said and took the drying cloth from Grace. “No, stay in your seat. I’ll dry this pan, it’s the last of them.” She set about wiping the pan dry. “As I was saying, you’re just married. There’s no married and all about it. There’s no and all at all.”
“That sounds like a riddle,” Grace laughed but knew she was diverting her friend.
“I reckon it is a riddle of sorts.” With the meal cleared away, Laura poured them both a glass of peach tea and settled down at the table also. “I reckon you and Janet have a lot in common.”
“Try telling that to Janet.” Grace could sense that Laura wasn’t going to give up easily.
“I don’t know, Grace, but the way you talk about Josh sometimes. There’s real care there, I know there is.”
“Of course, there is. As I’ve said before, Josh is a real good man. And we have a lot in common, don’t we? We’ve both got a child we want the best for, at least I will have soon, and we’ve both recognized that working together is the best way of doing it.”
“I don’t know, I think there’s more to it. And maybe, just like Janet, you don’t see how guilt is holding you back too. You still have to live a life.”
“I am living a life, Laura. I’m married again, I’ve got this little one coming soon. I’m content, really. I still miss Peter but I’m happy to go on in a way that I wasn’t to begin with.”
“But that’s just the natural way, that’s grief. And shock,” Laura said and, not for the first time, Grace thought her friend so wise for her years and seeming lack of experience in life. “But is it really enough to just be happy to go on? You’re only just twenty-one, Grace. Do you really think that Peter would have expected you to live a long life without love? And I don’t mean love for a child, or even the love in a companionable marriage like you and Josh have. I mean real love, the kind of love you had with Peter.”
“I understand what you’re saying, Laura, but I’ll never love anybody but Peter.”
“If that’s true, then I’ll accept it. But I can’t help thinking that you are only saying that because you think you have to. Not just to me, but to yourself. There’s no disrespect in opening your heart to somebody else, I know there isn’t. And I know I didn’t know you and Peter for long before he died, but I reckon the Oregon Trail mashes people together real quick and real well and I’m certain that he wasn’t the kind of man who would expect you to lead a long life of pointless loyalty.”
“How is loyalty to Peter pointless?”
“There’s a difference between loyalty and pointless loyalty. You can be loyal to Peter and his memory and still let yourself love again. But if you shut yourself off just because you think it’s the only way to be loyal, then that is pointless loyalty. Truly, my friend, I don’t think your loving husband would ever have expected that.”
“I’m sure you’re right, Laura. And I know in my heart that Peter would always want the best for me, whatever happened.” Grace took a sip of her tea. “I guess I just don’t feel that way about Josh, that’s all.”
“Well, just don’t turn away if you find your feelings start to change.” It was clear that Laura had decided to put an end to the conversation, to give her a break.
But it was equally clear to Grace that Laura didn’t believe that she had no real feelings for Josh any more than Grace did herself.
Chapter 14
The following week went without incident and everything in the Lacey household seemed quiet. But while nothing in particular happened, the atmosphere was tense.
Janet had behaved entirely, always saying thank you when her meal was put before her, accepting her punishment of not being able to see Jimmy Dalton outside of the schoolroom without argument, and she seemed to have relinquished her habit of silently staring at Grace in an attempt to unnerve her.
But everything seemed false, everything seemed wrong. Janet might well be acting the part, but it was clear to Grace that she felt much as she ever did. As far as Grace was concerned, nothing had improved and the only thing that was different was that the honesty seemed to have been removed.
It was equally clear to her that Josh felt the same way, although they hadn’t discussed it this time. The energy which had been customary throughout her entire pregnancy seemed to have left her and Grace had no inclination whatsoever to discover the details of the conversation that Josh had with Janet on the previous Sunday. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to know, she just didn’t want to know the worst.
The weather wasn’t helping Grace’s mood and energy lev
els at all. It was so hot that it would have been oppressive to her even without the burden of carrying so much extra weight. Every day that week she had felt exhausted before she even began, and more than once Josh had been firm in his assertion that she took things a little easier.
And this time, Grace was in no position to argue. The house still looked nice and it was true to say that everything was clean, but their meals were simpler and simpler, and the laundry had begun to pile up a little.
If relations between Grace and Janet had been different, Grace would have felt able to ask the girl’s help. But she was beginning to feel a little belligerent herself and had already decided not to give a girl who was not yet thirteen the satisfaction of being needed by the woman she so despised. Grace would rather do it herself.
But if Janet was behaving well inside the house, it was clear that things were not quite so outside of it. Josh had seen Miss Martin some days before and she had regretfully informed him that Janet was returning to her old ways somewhat. She was inattentive in class and her reading was falling unnecessarily behind again.
Josh had yet to speak to Janet about it and it was clear that he was going to dig his heels in about Jimmy Dalton. But Grace wondered if even that would help in the end, for everything they tried seemed to fail.
Janet was damaging herself purposefully and Grace, tired, hot, and truly enormous, no longer had the patience for it.
It was late Saturday morning and there was still a good hour before Josh closed up the lumber yard for the day and came in for his midday meal. As always, they were having something simple and Grace had more or less prepared everything in advance. It was only bread-and-butter, a little cheese, and some fresh tomatoes.
And so, Grace had decided to sit for a while and read. The day seemed airless, despite the fact she had windows open all over the house. But the book was a good one and it was distracting her well enough from her low mood.