Remembering Rainy

by Danni Roan

  “I’m sorry,” Anne said for the tenth time. “I shouldn’t have made you go.”

  Rainy reached over taking her friend’s hand. “Anne, you have been the best friend I could ever ask for, but you need to accept that my path is set. I love you, and I’ll always be your friend, but you have to understand.”

  Anne nodded as everything sank in. “I understand Rainy. It isn’t fair, but I get it.”

  Rainy smiled. “Come on, let’s go home.”

  ***

  Rainy pressed a kiss against her son’s forehead where he slept on her bed. “Dad you didn’t have to wait up?” she whispered smiling at her father who sat in an old rocking chair by the window.

  “Your mother was asleep as soon as Lucas lay down beside her. I figured it would be better to bring him over here once he was asleep, so you wouldn’t need to come to get him.”

  “Thanks, Daddy.” Rainy smiled.

  “Did you have a good time? You sure look pretty.”

  Rainy looked down at the yellow sundress and simple sandals. Anne had fixed her hair and make-up, and she did feel pretty, the feeling didn’t reach her heart.

  “Thanks,” she smiled, then sobered. “To answer your question though, the answer is no. I did not have a good time, and we had a terrible scare on the way back. I almost hit one of those antelope.”

  Owen looked up at his little girl, his dark eyes serious. “You’re okay though?”

  Rainy sat down on the bed looking out the window. “We’re fine, but it scared me. What if something had happened to me? What would happen to Lucas? I’m his mom, he’s my responsibility.”

  “You know your mom and I are always here for you.”

  “I know,” Rainy looked at her father. He looked tired and for the first time, she noticed the lines around his eyes and the gray in his hair. “But Lucas was my choice, not yours. I might have made a big mistake back then, but I can’t regret this little man.”

  Owen smiled. His baby had grown up fast. He had wanted to hunt down the boy who had walked away from her, but he too had to admit that he loved his grandson.

  “You’re doing great honey,” he looked between the sleepy boy and Rainy. “You haven’t tried to run from this, and I’m proud of you.” Owen stood from his chair walking to the bed and placing a kiss on his daughter’s brow. “You’ll always be my baby,” he sighed, turning and walking from the room.

  Rainy shimmied out of her dress, grabbing her soft fleece pajamas and snuggling into the bed. Sometimes her father could make her feel all of six years old again, but the warm feeling in her heart was stifled as she cuddled her son. Lucas would never know the love of a father. He loved his grandpa, and Owen was wonderful with the boy, but he wasn’t a young man anymore and time would eventually take its toll.

  A tear rolled down her cheek as Rainy looked up at the wooden ceiling above, wondering how many young women had looked at the tongue and grove expanse while they worried about their future?

  Her heart questioned every decision she ever made. “Would it have been any different if he had stayed?” she asked the silent room. “We were so young, surely it would have all ended badly anyway.”

  Rainy rolled over, smiling as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, soaking in the innocent face of her boy. “I have you,” she breathed. “That’s enough. What more could I ever need?” Even as the words rolled off her tongue Rainy felt the tug of something deep inside, something she didn’t understand.

  Her question seemed to drift into the night on angel’s wings, going heaven only knew where. Deep inside she knew that there was more to this world than science could explain. That nothing so wondrous and beautiful could have simply appeared out of thin air.

  A deep and ancient longing stirred in her soul, but Rainy didn’t recognize the call, and as her eyes grew heavy, she clung to the one thing she had in her life that was truly hers.

  Rainy had more than her destiny to consider. She held this precious life in her hands, and only she could give him the life he deserved. The weight of the responsibility pressed down on her and fresh tears began to fall. Some days it was all overwhelming, and though she had the love and support of her family, she knew that at the end of the day she was on her own.

  “I won’t ever leave you,” she whispered pressing a tear dampened kiss to Luca’s forehead. “I’m your mama bear, and I’ll always love you.”

  Sleep crept in, stalking the long weary hours of the day into blissful dreams as Rainy finally surrendered to slumber. Tomorrow would be what she made of it, and she would make it amazing for her son.

  A soft breeze lifted a quiet voice on the night air, drifting through the open window by Rainy’s bed. Sweet words of surrender and devotion raised in prayerful praise on a tenor voice that tugged at memory’s strings.

  ***

  Nathan leaned against the railing of the front porch, his restless wanderings shifting to singing as the night deepened. Each word of an old tune issuing from his soul as a prayer for a better future trilled out as I Believe.

  Chapter 6

  Nathan rubbed the sleep from his eyes and rolled out of bed to a bleary morning. He had struggled to sleep the night before and had taken a long stroll through the grounds in the wee hours. Singing had set his soul to rest, and he had returned to the bunkhouse somewhere around three.

  His heart told him he had things he needed to do, but his mind rebelled, trying to put the painful past behind him. He knew that sooner or later, he would have to do something about the prompting of his heart, but at the moment, he didn’t even know where to begin.

  Nathan had left Iowa soon after graduation and hadn’t looked back. His focus had been on getting his degree and making a living that outstripped anything his grandparents had ever imagined. Nathan wanted to lavish his family with gifts, trips, fancy dinners, and all the trappings of success they never had. Now he realized that those things didn’t add up to real love.

  Outside a crow cawed and Nathan stomped into his boots. He had work to do. Work that let his mind worry over the issue that was holding him back. Stepping through the door and into a misty morning, Nathan stretched, easing tight muscles into play as he strode toward the barn. He would feel better after the Morning Prayer Meeting. Perhaps he would even find wisdom in making his first step.

  “Where you been?” Red fell into step with Nathan as they headed for the barn. “I’ve been out and about for half an hour already.”

  “You’ve been in the kitchen you mean,” Nathan grinned. “You can’t resist Mrs. Wade’s baked oatmeal and two or three good strong coffees.”

  Red chuckled. “It saves Nan from fixin’ me breakfast,” the older man teased. “She works hard enough at the diner in town and with Florence expecting, she’s trying to keep up with more of the work, so Flo won’t have to.”

  Nathan felt a shiver run down his spine at Red’s comment. He had met Florence and her husband Hunter on the ranch a few times, along with their little girl Elsie. He was all too glad not to be on the receiving end of some of Florence’s sass.

  “How long have Hunter and Florence been together?” Nate scratched under his hat trying to put things together. “The way everyone talks this is Florence’s first child.”

  “Yep,” Red turned, looking at Nathan. “Hunter had a child with a girlfriend when he was still a wild teen. She died, and he got Elsie. When that tragedy happened it changed that young man’s life.”

  “He’s a good dad.” Nathan felt his stomach gurgle with guilt. He didn’t even know if he was a father, not for sure.

  “Hunter still wears that braided wrist band his little girl gave him even now. A big tough cowboy like that with a heart to match.” Red chuckled giving a shake of his head.

  “Is that what that is?” I wondered why Hunter wore a string around his arm.”

  “Elsie made it for him, and he never takes it off. He’s a softy like that. Good horse trainer too.”

  Together the two men made their way to an empty stall at the
end of the barn where voices drifted out into the aisle.

  “Things are heating up around here,” Chase said as the men who joined the group each day congregated. “I want everyone to be extra careful as the guests seem to struggle to keep focused. We don’t need any accidents this year.”

  The group knew he was referring to an incident not long ago where one of the wranglers was injured, and the guest, that he subsequently married had been forced to race to the ranch for help.

  “Does anyone have any requests today?” Chase asked, his blue eyes darting around the group.

  A few cowboys called out specific needs, and then Red raised a hand. “Nate here has an unspoken request,” he said boldly. “God knows his needs.”

  The other men turned, looking toward Nathan, who felt his ears go red, but the eyes of his fellow wranglers were full of understanding, hope, and care. “Thanks,” Nathan mumbled feeling a sense of acceptance wash over him.

  Kade walked into the stall, a big grin on his face, and slapped Nate on the back, nearly bowling him over. “Morning,” he bellowed, stripping his hat and bowing his head.

  ***

  A misty morning turned to a warm afternoon, and Nathan found himself shoveling hay from the loft into the corrals below. With so many horses in constant rotation for riders, they fed hay as extra sustenance throughout the year.

  Below, in the newly built corral, a group of ponies marched in line as children laughed and squealed in delight at their first ride. It had been a good move buying the ponies for the smaller guests, and Nathan knew that Chase was also thinking of the youngsters who called the Broken J home. In the slower months, the ranch children could ride about on their own, at least near the ranch.

  Forking the last flake of hay into the manger below, Nate turned and headed for the stairs. It was time for lunch, and he was ready for it. Breakfast had been a long time ago, and though he had been physically active in college with various sports, the work on a ranch required a lot of energy.

  “Nate, can you saddle two extra horses?” Red called as Nathan marched down the stairs. I’ve two last-minute additions to the ride.”

  “Sure,” Nathan moved to the last two occupied stalls and led fresh mounts toward the hitching post. In a matter of minutes, both animals were tacked up and waiting for the guests to arrive. “If that’s all, I’m headed inside for some grub,” he called out to Red who was busy checking his work.

  “See you later,” the old man called, “just don’t eat all of the cookies,” the old man added.

  Nathan chuckled as he trotted toward the house. He would grab two cookies just to spite his boss and he hurried into the house and down the long hallway to the big cookie jars that stood full and waiting for the guest’s enjoyment.

  “Hey there little fella,” Nate smiled as a little boy in a slightly too large cowboy hat tried to pry the lid off of a cookie jar. “Can I help you?”

  “Yes, p’ease.” The boy’s dark eyes sparkled as Nate reached in and pulled out a large chocolate chip cookie. “Does your mother know you’re getting a cookie?” Nate squatted as the boy grinned.

  “Mommy is going to ride the horsies, I have to stay with my Mimi and Poppa.”

  “Have you ridden the ponies yet?” Nate asked as the boy took a bite of his cookies.

  “Uhm hmm!” the boy nodded enthusiastically, as he chewed his treat.

  “Lucas, leave that man alone,” a woman’s voice called. “Come and eat your lunch.”

  “Bye,” the little boy yelled, turning on his heel and racing away to the older couple who had their backs to Nate.

  Nathan watched the little fellow race across the floor, his heart sagging. “God give me strength, please,” he pleaded silently. “Get me through this summer and I’ll go back, I promise.”

  ***

  "Would you stop fussing?” Anne reached over and smacked Rainy on the arm. “You are here to have some fun, and if the bar scene isn’t your thing then you can go for a ride. After all, we are on a ranch.” The tall blonde turned her blue eyes on the younger wranglers with a grin. “Lighten up.”

  Rainy sighed, trying to relax. It wasn’t the first time she had let her parents keep Lucas, and it wouldn’t be the last, but she didn’t want to take advantage. This was as much their vacation as it was hers.

  Over the past four years, her parents had done all they could to support and care for Rainy and Lucas. All too often her mother or father would put Lucas to bed while she worked through what had seemed endless papers and assignments for her online degree.

  “I know it’s hard,” Anne’s voice softened. “You’ve worked so hard, and this is your celebration too. Let your folks do this for you. They want to. Sometimes we need to be big enough to accept someone’s gift.”

  Rainy smiled as they walked out of the house and toward the barn, her doubts fading. Anne was right. Her parents had planned this whole trip to celebrate her graduation. She might as well make the most of it. At least tonight the whole family would be together for dinner and could spend the evening doing fun activities around the ranch.

  She had taken Lucas for the pony rides that morning, and now she would enjoy her time with her oldest friend on this trail ride. Lifting her smoky eyes she gazed off across the prairie. It would be fun to see the wild spaces in such a peaceful way.

  “Howdy ladies,” a grizzled old man with a red and white mottled beard grinned. “Glad you could join us. I’m Red, and I’ll be your guide today. We have a lot of riders on this fine day, so we’re breaking the group into three sections. You’ll be with me and this lot.” He turned, indicating a group that was already mounted.

  Rainy smiled up at a red-headed cowboy who nodded and tipped his hat. For a moment she wondered if she had been transported into another time where men had manners.

  “Come on,” Anne said, grabbing Rainy’s arm. “Let’s saddle up.”

  Rainy shook her head with a laugh. Only Anne would say such things.

  In a matter of minutes, Red had helped them into the saddle checking to see that stirrups were set at the right length and explaining how to drive the horse. “Mostly they’ll just follow along behind my horse, but keep your eyes open. You never know what can happen.” He turned, looking at each of the young wranglers who fell into line with the now mounted guests.

  “Move ‘em out,” Red called, swinging into the saddle in one smooth motion as if he were a much younger man.

  “He’s quite the character isn’t he?” Anne asked, as her horse fell in behind Rainy’s.

  “I wonder what his story is?” Rainy mused. “Has he always worked here?”

  A red-headed wrangler pushed his horse up next to Anne’s giving her a nod and a smile. “Red is a retired rodeo clown,” he said. “He came here to work with Chase Haven, the man who married the owner. He’s also my grandpa.”

  “I met Phil,” Rainy called back. “She’s nice.”

  “And what’s your name,” Anne asked, eyeing the slim rider. “How long have you worked on the Broken J?”

  Rainy bit her lip trying not to laugh as Anne flirted with the cowboy, but relieved that she didn’t have to talk to Anne the whole time they were on the ride. Sometimes her friend could be very chatty.

  There were about ten riders in this group, and she was hoping to see some of the wildlife in the area, as well as just soak in the wide-open spaces, and green of a verdant summer.

  Rainy grabbed her saddle horn as her horse started down a small rise suddenly realizing what her friend and family had been saying for so long. She had been shut away, caring for Lucas and studying for so long she had missed out on the beauty around her.

  Yes, her heart was full of love for her son, but she was starting to see that there could be room for more in her life if she would allow it. This trip was to celebrate her finally completing her degree, but it was more than that. It was a time to reflect and to begin to open up her heart and mind to the future. Soon there would be a new job, a new routine, and new responsibil
ities. It was both thrilling and terrifying. What if she couldn’t handle it all on her own? What if her new job required her to leave her family and the support that had seen her through this time?

  Rainy lifted her eyes to the bright blue of the prairie sky and wondered what came next. Would she need to truly make it on her own?

  Chapter 7

  Nathan moved to the back table where a handful of other ranch hands tended to eat. He had to admit that he liked his job at the Broken J, but he hadn’t completed a tough degree for nothing.

  The plan was to work here for the summer, save up some money, and then hit the job fairs and market hard. Nate was sure that in no time he would have the job he had studied for and hoped that his new life would fall into place. A nagging voice in the back of his head whispered a reminder that he had to settle the past before he could find joy in his future, and he hung his head trying to reconcile his heart and his head.

  “What’s Red got you doing today?” Jackson Auburn, Chase’s chief horse breeder took a seat beside Nate. “If you’re free, I could use a hand with a few foals. It’s vaccination time.”

  “Sure,” Nathan grinned. He didn’t know Jackson well but he had heard that the man had been crippled in a bull-riding accident, but you couldn’t tell now.

  “Josie’s going to help as well,” Jackson’s smile brightened as his pretty wife walked up and took the seat across from him. “She’ll be moving the mares and younger stock toward the pens on the other side of the rise and the two of us will push them into the runs where the vet will check them over.”

  “Sounds like a recipe for getting my toes stomped on, but I’ll do it,” Nathan agreed with a grin.

  Jackson laughed. “We’ll do our best not to get stampeded,” he grinned looking back at his wife. “We’ve had enough of that, haven’t we darlin’?”

  “More than enough.” Josie’s smile was bright as she swung a long blonde braid over her shoulder. “How’s it going, Nate?”

  “Alright, I seem to have enough to keep me busy anyway.”