The Accidental Divorcee

by Laura Scott

If you are open to new relationships, they will happen. You might find that new friendships emerge or that old relationships become important again. It’s a chance to feel known and enjoy others, and to let go of the past. It’s exciting to spend time with someone new who might surprise you.

  Dating can be fun, but starting a new relationship can seem scary at first too. Being divorced means you have been through a lot of changes, and dating represents risk. Think of the Titanic as it sailed toward that iceberg that had a tiny bit of ice on the top of the water and about a mile of ice below. That is what some people refer to as “emotional baggage.” It might be a bit of a challenge to be lighthearted and carefree when you are disentangling from a long relationship; it might be interesting at first, but it’s hard to maintain a relationship or get serious with anyone. That is why some people take a break before dating. They are waiting for the ice to melt.

  Be aware that dating might be hard at first. Imagine two people playing tennis. One is limping with a broken foot and has a bandage around his head, and he is playing with a woman who has broken ribs and her arm in a sling. That’s a bit like the banter that goes on between two people on a date who are both leaving relationships. It’s rather hard for them to play the game.

  Since everything in your life is so packed with emotion during this time, it’s likely to cloud your dating life too. It’s great to get out and get back in the swing of things. It’s also fun to meet new people. But because you are in a fragile state at the end of a marriage, it’s safer to keep relationships on a lighter note until you feel healed.

  WHY TIME IS YOUR FRIEND

  Time is the greatest healer of all wounds. When Carol, a forty-seven-year-old speech teacher, went through her divorce, her cousin Tracey told her, “It will be better in a year.” That got Carol’s attention, because although it seemed like a long time, it was a goal to shoot for and a defined timetable. Carol thought it would never be better. Tracey’s words gave her hope. And things were better for Carol after the year had passed.

  THE FIRST SET OF HOLIDAYS

  The first major set of holidays will be difficult. Let’s face it: divorce really sucks when you are going into the holidays. You have family routines that have been established for years, and suddenly you are alone for one or more holidays because of custody or other issues. This person you’ve always done everything with—well, you aren’t doing everything together anymore. After you get past that first holiday, when you rely on siblings or family or friends to get through the day, it will be a bit easier the next year. Plan ahead to be with other people—it will make the holiday easier.

  Nick, a forty-year-old architect, married someone when he was in his twenties who was a drug addict. He eventually divorced her and took full custody of their daughter. Nick is now remarried to a woman who has a daughter the same age. When a friend who was going through a divorce called him crying about the holidays, Nick said, “Oh, yeah, I remember that first Christmas.”

  PETS: FREE THERAPY

  Many people feel greatly comforted by the family pet after a divorce. Chad, a thirty-two-year-old computer programmer, says: “My boxer, Rocky, waited for me by the door every night after my wife left me, and it meant a ton to me. We would run together, and he slept by my bed. We became very close in that he was happy to see me, when no one else seemed to be.”

  Beth, a thirty-five-year-old psychologist, shares: “Coming home to an empty house when my kids were gone, well, I got scared sometimes at night. My German shepherd, Jake, growled when he heard anything. He became very protective of me and has remained so. Jake felt my sadness and loss, and he was a great comfort to me during my divorce. He was like, ‘I’ll protect you.’ I knew I was special to him. It helped.”

  Lori, a home health manager, came home to her three cats every day. One of them would sleep on her pillow and it made her feel secure.

  MUSIC THERAPY

  Pull out your playlist and engage in some music therapy. There are many, many beautiful, deep tunes about failed love in almost every musical genre. Pull out your playlist and go for it. Turn on some music, listen to it, and let yourself cry. See if you don’t experience some catharsis after wandering around inside some great songs. The wonderful thing about music therapy is that it’s so accessible and repeatable.

  By listening to lyrics about broken hearts, you aren’t obsessing; you’re mourning and grieving the love you had, and in the long term, this will have a healing effect and it will allow you to move on. Be a victim of love for a while— you deserve it.

  CHAPTER 10

  Divorce Stories

  This part of The Accidental Divorcée is designed to help you realize that you are not alone. Hearing others’ stories can help you relate and possibly spark some inspiration in your own life.

  Cathy, a thirty-four-year-old CPA, felt devoid of any feeling after her separation. She lost weight and welcomed bones that she hadn’t seen in years. Eventually she bought a whole new rocking wardrobe in her smaller size, but she was so devastated by the end of her marriage that it was hard to enjoy anything. She certainly never felt the thrill of looking good, although she knew she was considerably thinner and someone even asked for her number while she was at the gas station.

  Four things did not change for Cathy during this difficult time. Two and a Half Men was as funny as ever and at ten o’clock every night she lay in bed, turned it on, and laughed. She was giving herself a much-needed break from her situation.

  Cathy also loved the feeling of water: the shower as the water hit her scalp because it made her shiver, and also a hot bath.

  Hershey’s chocolate bars and freshly made popcorn didn’t change either. She knew deep inside if she could pause and enjoy these everyday things that her life would eventually fall back into place. It gave her hope, which turned out to be real.

  John, a twenty-eight-year-old corporate executive with two young boys, ran and biked every day after his separation. He rode a bit farther from home each day; he couldn’t say why, but he followed a natural instinct to run and ride until his heart didn’t hurt anymore. Biking made John feel that he had a way to leave all the bad stuff that had happened to him during his divorce behind. Running and biking helped John tremendously during the first year after his marriage was over.

  Antonia, a literary agent with one daughter, is an avid reader. After her divorce, she treated herself to books and read on the weekends when her daughter was with her ex-husband. It was a great escape and helped her cope. She also joined a book club in her neighborhood and made a new friend.

  Hugh, a forty-year-old optometrist, likes to play cards and even worked a summer in college as a dealer in Las Vegas. After his divorce, he started a weekly poker night with seven other guys. They had a lively game going every week, and it was a helpful diversion for Hugh during his divorce.

  Amber, a social worker, always enjoyed estate sales and garage sales. She had a knack for sizing up antiques and coins. After her divorce, she began studying jewelry and art appraisal. Eventually, Amber became an appraiser and turned her new skill into a solid part-time job on the weekends when she didn’t have her kids.

  Steven, a divorcée with no children, was a small business owner of a print shop. Steven had been raised in the church and had a deep love of God. He got involved in his church after his separation and saw the need for a men’s Bible study. He started a men’s Sunday school class at his church in his twenties after his divorce. When he remarried at forty, it was the first time he had missed Sunday school in fifteen years. His involvement helped him to grow spiritually and learn the Bible. He felt needed and loved in his church.

  Annie, a twenty-nine-year-old materials management clerk, is creative and had always liked to make jewelry. During her divorce, she went to estate sales and gem shows and bought tools to create unique jewelry. She enjoyed cutting and ripping old bracelets and necklaces apart and repurposing each one with new stones and beads. It gave her a sense of purpose, giving old pieces new life.


  Caleb, a forty-eight-year-old retired marine, had always liked motorcycles and old cars. When his wife moved out, he had a two-and-a-half-car garage that only had one car in it. Caleb kept driving by this house with an old Camaro sitting in the driveway. One day, he stopped by and made a cash offer for the car and it was accepted. Fixing up the Camaro over the course of many months helped Caleb get past his divorce. It became an enjoyable way to spend his time and brought him great joy when he drove it on weekends.

  Alan, a forty-two-year-old real estate investor, lived his whole life in the same city and read the obituaries in the newspaper after his divorce. Alan realized that people die at all ages, young and old, and for all sorts of reasons. It made Alan appreciate the fact that he was alive and healthy. It helped him to gain perspective.

  Bruce, a thirty-eight-year-old architect, had remodeled houses in college for extra income. After his wife moved out, he ripped out the backsplash in his kitchen. He retiled it and then built a rock wall in his backyard. By not bathing for three days and getting dirty and grimy, he felt like a man. Working with his hands toward a goal proved to be a great distraction and kept him from thinking about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

  Anna was a thirty-three-year-old financial analyst. She split with her husband because he didn’t want to have kids. After they separated, Anna started a stock club with several girlfriends. She researched stocks and enjoyed herself tremendously. Anna found this to be her refuge after her divorce.

  Mike, a home inspector, enjoys astronomy. When he divorced, he bought a high-quality telescope and began to teach his boys the stars. They would get takeout food on the weekends that he had them, and they would sit outside late at night, studying the stars and talking with each other. Sharing his favorite hobby with his sons made him incredibly happy.

  Grace, a twenty-eight-year-old massage therapist, bought a spiked acupuncture mat and lay on it every night. It was supposed to mimic hands-on acupuncture and it was a relaxing ritual every night before bed. It made her think about something besides her ex.

  Jim, a fifty-year-old legislative analyst, loves to travel. His ex-wife was afraid to fly so they hadn’t traveled much during their marriage. After they divorced, Jim cashed in four months of vacation and traveled to Canada and Europe. He found it freeing and soul-lifting to leave whenever he liked and feel like he never had to go back. He backpacked, stayed in hostels and hotels, and saw all that he wanted to see on his extended trip. After it was over, he was ready to return home and so grateful for the experience. He felt that he had grown exponentially during that trip.

  Eleanor, a forty-year-old hairdresser, loves The New Yorker magazine. Her mother passed away while Eleanor was separated, and when she went through her mother’s things she found a box full of old New Yorker covers. In past years during the holidays, she and her ex-husband had gone on a skiing trip. The year she divorced, she spent the time between Christmas and New Year’s redoing her downstairs bathroom. Eleanor removed the old wall paper and replaced it with New Yorker covers. The bathroom was cool and eclectic, and the project was therapeutic for Eleanor. It helped celebrate her mother and Eleanor loved the result.

  Todd, a dental sales representative, is a natural athlete; he excelled at football in high school. He was big but light on his feet. While Todd was married, he and his wife regularly watched Dancing with the Stars. After his separation, Todd took a ballroom dancing class. He enjoyed it so much that he began to learn all kinds of dance and even joined a Friday-night dance group. Doing so allowed him to get back into shape and pursue a long-held dream. Dancing gave him great joy.

  Madelyn, a forty-three-year-old stay-at-home mom with three daughters, had been an art major in college and had loved coloring as a child. Madelyn heard through Facebook about coloring books for adults. She bought one right away, filling in lots of detail and pretty patterns. She tried out different paints and pencils. It took hours of her time and proved a lovely distraction for her during her separation and divorce. She even framed some of her creations.

  Nanci, a forty-four-year-old high school principal, likes to cook. She had always cooked simple meals at home due to her working routine. When faced with a weekend without kids after her divorce, she bought Julia Child’s cookbooks, some quality cookware, and took the time to make elaborate and elegant meals. It helped her avoid boredom, and she felt very accomplished by learning French cooking. It warmed her soul to be able to feel like a chef in her kitchen.

  Eric, a thirty-year-old remodeling construction firm owner, had been married for eight years and had always wanted a dog. When he and his wife divorced, he went to the pound and got a puppy that he named Tilly. He trained Tilly, walked her, cared for her, and attended to her every need. What he realized later was that by caring for Tilly he was also caring for himself during the first year after his divorce. Eric also realized how much he resented his ex-wife’s “no pets in a clean house” rule, and he vowed to never get involved with anyone else who didn’t want a dog.

  CHAPTER 11

  Traditional and Nontraditional Sources of Help

  If you find you’re struggling during your divorce, there is help available. Listed below are some excellent resources that all have a track record of helping people through difficult times. Reaching out to others—even if you are hesitant—might be worth checking out during your separation or divorce.

  COUNSELING/THERAPY

  For some people, personal discovery through therapy can be a meaningful way to look at your life history and gauge your response to what you are currently experiencing. Opening up and looking at what happened in a professional setting can be cathartic. Many people emerge from therapy stronger.

  FAITH AND CHURCH RESOURCES

  Some people have a strong faith in God. God can work miracles for someone going through divorce. If you are faithful, it’s a wonderful tool to have in your tool kit. Get involved in your church, or find one if you haven’t been to church for a period of time. Read your Bible and pray. God has seen many of us through the toughest times of our lives, over and over again. Life isn’t easy; those who develop a strong relationship with God can often endure and even thrive through trial and tribulation. If you are looking to fill your swimming pool with activities and make new contacts and friends, most churches are full of group activities and charity work. Faith is a wonderful way to cope if it works for you.

  DIVORCE RECOVERY GROUPS

  You may want to check your local Google listings or with your local churches for divorce recovery groups, because you can really benefit from their support. Some groups are religious and some are not; some are expensive and some are not. If you are financially pressed, you may be able to get into a divorce recovery class for a reduced rate. Most classes are limited to a number of people—usually five to twenty—but size can vary depending on the program.

  The Accidental Divorcée participated in a divorce recovery class, and she can say that it was one of the very best things that she did for herself postseparation and divorce. It was an incredibly hard time, but she made three friends in the class immediately. The class encouraged her to text and call those three friends outside of class to form a support group, and she is very good friends with two of those people today.

  Here is the psychological advantage of going to a divorce recovery class: you meet people who are in the same place you are, mentally and emotionally. They are grieving and they have suffered a loss. From the first meeting you instantly identify with these people and they identify with you. They have also been wounded and are facing all of the same issues: dealing with the ex, lawyers, custody, children—all of it. It helped the Accidental Divorcée put her situation in perspective and realize that she wasn’t alone.

  The class gives you a place to express your grief, work through helpful exercises, and it speeds up your recovery. You feel known and have the opportunity to make some friends. A support group can help you heal faster by helping you move through the stages of grief so you can rebuild your
life. That is the long-term benefit of the class. You also get to laugh, because in a support group, you can see how crazy getting divorced really is for most people.

  NOT-SO-TRADITIONAL HELP

  There are many other resources available for the body, mind, and spirit. Some are new; some have been around for centuries.

  Never underestimate the power of touch and the art of spiritual healing; it might work for you. If you have always been curious about something and wanted to check it out, here is your chance.

  Acupuncture – A part of traditional Chinese medicine to treat pain, stress, and other ailments by inserting needles into the body at specific acupuncture points.

  Massage – Physical massaging of the muscles, hands, feet, and head to relieve stress and promote relief and health.

  Reiki – The Japanese technique for relaxation through the laying on of hands and controlling the flow of energy through the body.

  Chiropractic healing – Manipulating the spine to diagnose, treat, and prevent disorders of the skeletal and neurological system. It is thought that if the spine is in alignment, your physical body is stronger, which increases your ability to fight stress.

  Reflexology – The practice of applying pressure to specific points and areas on the feet, hands, or ears. Reflexologists believe these areas correspond to different organs and systems in the body. Pressing on them has a beneficial effect on the organs and the person’s health.

  Crystals/Energy work – Alternative medicine that employs stones and crystals and claims that different stones have different healing powers.

  Psychics – Clairvoyant work to divine the past or tell someone’s future. A psychic involves the supernatural and metaphysical world to help the subject find out what will happen to them.